I Told You I Would Look After You

[Vancouver]

Hello friends,

Just me with a quick check in on this cloudy Thursday afternoon with news of hope, light, new life.

Some of you will know that I am here because my beloved Tom, my husband and the love of my life, died in January 2022. Since then, I have staggered my way through grief, loss, loneliness, despair and slowly, slowly, I have found my way to now - August 2024.

I am in my new(ish) home in the countryside, far from London where I used to live before Tom. Then, I was in a small, one-bedroom flat in North London, tucked away from the world in more ways than one.

Tom brought me to life, showed me what is to be free, believed in me, encouraged me, lifted me. He shared his life completely - he was the one I had been looking for my entire life.

He brought me to live here with him, in the countryside. We shared a rental house while his home was gutted, ready for transformation for us both. We never got there - he died before we could really get going on the project and I was left with it all to do, when my heart and soul were shattered and his guidance, gone.

I decided to stay here, out of London, in the small network of friends and in the heart of the community that was familiar and had so many echoes and impressions of Tom all around. I renovated his home and then sold it - I didn’t have the heart to live there without him.

Here in the village, I walked for hours where we had walked together and, as the weeks and months and now years rolled by, I found myself saying “I’m still here, Tom” - in loneliness - less and less.

Fast forward to today, and I was in my new(ish) house in the village with a man who had come to measure for new blinds and, outside, was the window cleaner. Both knew people I knew, both were chirpy and reminders for me that I do have roots here, even without Tom, and that I am part of this community now. I felt happy, safe, home - a real joy in the moment.

In the kitchen there is a picture or two of Tom. I passed one as the fellows went about their work. I looked at him and could hear him say, “see, I told you I would look after you”.

He does, always - our connection endures beyond cancer, beyond death and despair and is safely set in the most beautiful and unconditional love.

Hold tight, everyone - particularly all of you who feel utterly wretched today. Please keep going, please know that love always stays with you and that it will be ok.

Your friend,

Vancouver xx

[Willow112]

Please keep posting Vancouver. I really need positivity.
I am still in the long dark tunnel, trying very hard to find a light at the end. I know it’s there somewhere. But it’s very encouraging to hear that someone has made it.
I know I will always love and miss him, I can feel your love remains unaltered. That is where I want to be. 11 weeks since I lost him and some days are very hard.
Thank you so much. Xx

[jevncute]

Same here just over 8 weeks for me , i am still in that pit of despair. I am hopi g i find the strength to go on. Because all i see is long days and lonelier nights. Seems to be no hope of feeling anything like normal. Xxx

[Vancouver]

@Willow112 - my friend, you are in the early days of grief - where you are, it is difficult and painful and so, so hard. Thing is, you are stronger than you think - through simply surviving to this moment you have travelled already a very great distance in the right direction. Hold tight to that and to the knowledge that death cannot break the bonds of love you have with your beloved and that this love continues, even though they are not immediately to hand, to hold.

It does get better - it really does and we all get stronger through this, not weaker, not diminished but stronger, braver people than we ever thought possible.

Keep posting here and please know that your friends on here have got you xx

[swift]

@Vancouver , lovely to read your post, my journey is 5 days short of 5 months and I do feel the positivity that you have achieved, I still have the backward steps but have learnt that I can overcome them, I have been comforted by the continued connection with my wife and learning you are now 2 years on reaffirms my life can continue along with the spirit and connection with my wife, your environment and roots are such a blessing.
Thank you for your words, take care.

[Vancouver]

@jevncute - my friend, I know these hours, these long, long days that you are experiencing and how bitter they are. In my time, in their shadows, I begged Tom to come home - literally cried out to him in the darkness as I lay sleepless, heartbroken, beaten by the finality of it as I saw it at the time.

I crawled along each day, almost fell down the da/mn stairs each morning to face, to tackle another nightmare that came calling in the administration of Tom’s affairs. It was like a very dark version of Whack A Mole back then.

I crawled, then I stood up - able to be up for longer and longer periods. I walked forward, slowly, wobbling at first, then with greater confidence. I became aware again of the sun on my face. I could get through a 15 minute period without a crash. I felt a sense that I could survive it because I was surviving it - and so, my dear, are you. Hold on to that thought.

I don’t know if you do affirmations or anything like that but if you can, find a mirror, look at yourself and say or think “I am so very, very proud of you”. Because I am - you are doing super well. And keep going because you are heading the right way - away from the pain and towards the moment when you will feel better.

Keep posting - you are with friends, we all understand completely.

We walk together on this road, xx

[Vancouver]

Thank you, @swift, for your encouragement and for your sharing your wisdom and strength xx

[jevncute]

Ty so much Vancover. Your words of wisdom give me hope.
I try each day to do small things like even getting showered and I try to imagine is voice in my head telling me I have to keep going. But days like today are so very scary because all I do is cry and look for a reason why I shouldn’t be with him.
I lost my first husband in 2005 and i dont recall it been this hard or this painful.
But back then I had my mum n dad and my son was home the house didn’t feel as empty as it does now.
There seems little point in life anymore. I know I am been week and I do tell myself off and for minutes seconds I feel better then that cloud decends again. Ty so much for caring. Hugs Jo xx

[Ann16]

Keep posting such a lovely friend
I hope to get to where you are 17 months and I am still in despair and heartache and miss Tony so much

[iamposeygirl]

Hi Jevncute. I lost my first partner in the 90s and like you I didn’t remember it being so hard the first time round. But it was. I went through my journal and was gutted and totally lost at the time, much as I am now. Like you, back then I still had my mum and work and lived in the big city where my social network used to be. All that has changed since moving to the country in 2017. But it was fine, John and I had each other. This go round, there seems to be nowhere to escape to and yet, my furbabies need me and that keeps me anchored to a degree. I’m so grateful for @Vancouver post as it gives hope

[jevncute]

Morning i never kept a journal before , so i honestly cant say but i am hoping you are all right and the pain will get less. At the moment i cant see that. Everyday seems as hard as the day before. sending hugs Jo xx

[Harriet4Bill]

Oh Vancouver. I don’t know how to carry on. Lost my husband 7 weeks ago, after almost 10 years of marriage. I loved him with every ounce of my being. He was my life. We did everything together. Now he’s not here and I feel like my life has ended. There’s no point to anything any more. I sit in floods of tears knowing it won’t bring him back but unable to stop the “waterfall”. I miss him so much it’s indescribable. I can’t stand the thought of however long I have left without him. There’s no light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.

[Ginger68]

I feel your pain so much. I lost my Andy 4 1/2 weeks ago and just feel numb! Can’t think about what I need to do next, whether it’s to eat, to drink, to cry, to scream!!! The pain is unimaginable and indescribable. It will be our 10th Wedding Anniversary next Friday, I have no idea how I’m going to get through that or the day, or after that!!! What is the future when the future you had planned for had been ripped away

[jevncute]

Morning Harriet, I am also struggling to make sense of it. Almost 16yrs married and almost 20 together. Life seems so hard, i hope with all my heart I find the strength to go on, but each minute hour and day seem so long and horrendous. My heart aches for his touch his words and embrace. I hold his photo and ask why i get no answers. Hugs Jo xx

[Ginger68]

If I can share any strength with you, then I will, just to help you carry on xxx

[Harriet4Bill]

Ginger68 I will think about you next Friday. Our 10th anniversary would have been 30th August. Like you, I don’t know how I will get through the day. I loved getting him a really special card and present and now all he’ll get are tears and more tears. This is the penalty we pay for loving someone so much.

[iamposeygirl]

I have many of the same struggles. I did have a bit of a revelation yesterday though. It occurred to me that prior to John coming into my life, I was a real person, a productive person, a whole person. I’ve started a list of things I’d like to rediscover that were passions before John. Things that were somewhat lost when couple activites, other shared interests and life itself took over. I try to keep in mind, that our life on this planet is short, and we have a duty to ourselves and to our loved ones that have passed on to make the very best of it. Easier said than done (especially if you’d seen the meltdown I had at the grocers yesterday) but working towards discovering/rediscovering new purpose and passions. John would have hated it if I simply gave up and stayed in bed all day. One of his mottos always was “I’ll sleep when I’m dead”. Need to remember that.
Now if only the mush brain would go away.
This is a brutal experience both physically and emotionally for all of us, Like many of you, when one’s life is so very intertwined with anothers, the very fabric of the day to day is ripped apart and needs mending.
Virtual hugs to all of you.

[MrsC.x]

It’s a bit long, but I would like you to know that in telling us yours and your Tom’s story you have brought me huge comfort.
I have just returned home from an appointment at the hospital my husband was in for 3 weeks, until I brought him home in April for what I naively thought was recovery. I didn’t expect to feel the weight of emotion I just experienced by passing the M&S Food where I would go for his flavoured water, walking through the main entrance, spotting people being wheeled around on hospital beds, uniforms and particularly the place I waited for a nurse to bring him to our car.
I am home and the first thing I have done is return to your writing, Vancouver. Thank you, my Ray was the love of my life and to know that eventually I will ‘heal’ and I will ‘make the most of our home, our neighbours and our village’ as he told me to in his last days, is a huge comfort to me. It won’t be the last time I visit your post x

[jevncute]

Ty Ginger that means and awful lot. Xxx

[Vancouver]

My dear @MrsC.x - thank you for your message and for your encouragement. I recognise so much in what you shared here and my heart goes out to you. I know all too well what all this means and feels like.

We walk together on this long road of grief, of mourning, of recovery and of moving again into the light. I am very lucky to have your support and this comes to you with love and all very best wishes,

Your friend,

Vancouver x