Hi Pattidot Colin Was like you describe your husband he cycled, walked and gardened did he do too much I don’t know. I have a strange griefstricken day then I seem calmer at night only to arise in the morning and start my nightmare again. Thank you for your words of encouragement.
Hi thankyou for your kind words means so much that’s sounds lovely if the weather is okay tomorrow or Monday o might try and go out and have a look at some flowers and let you know thankyou for that idea I really appreciate it im struggling to eat so the doctor has put me on a nutrition drink so I don’t lose more weight alot of my hair is falling out with the stress its a never ending nightmare just to want to even help him put his pyjamas on again or hold a straw to his mouth my body is churning thanksyou again for your suggestion and kind words look after yourself as much as possible speak later take care sending a hug with a very empty broken heart xxxx
Hi Bristles, Everything you’ve said is so true. I don’t have many friends either and those I do have have partners. I have a brother in Ireland and he wants me to go for a holiday but I don’t know what to do. Colin would want me to go on with my life but like you I have no life now and I will never be happy again. Thank you for your humour in a dark world Kx
We would look a sorry pair my nose is covered in cold sores from crying and blowing and he would still say I’m beautiful. I wish you a peaceful night Ade. Think of these flowers as you lie in bed and how beautiful your husbands flowers are going to look. Good night and God bless. Xxx
I’m sorry to hear that my hair is coming out in clumps too unable to settle or sleep still filled with dread I hope your nose gets better if not see the pharmacy for some ointment I will think about the flowers thankyou and for your kindness take care good night god bless I hope you get some rest xx
Good Morning Bristles. I’m having a bad morning don’t know where to put myself. I’m thinking where can I go what can I do to feel better? Nothing springs to mind because no matter what I do or where I go Colin isn’t there. I long for night and the spells of sleep that free me temporarily. I think I may go see my brother one minute and change my mind the next. Isn’t it strange my best friend can’t understand why we need this site because it’s not happened to her yet! I can talk about Colin but she has work colleagues who have lost loved ones and she’s tired hearing about their loss. I am so glad to have found this and the people I have met are my mainstay just now. Thank you again for your help. K x
Hi. Katie. We mustn’t blame people for not understanding. There is no way they can understand unless they have been there. It’s like anxiety and depression. The old ‘pull yourself together’ brigade are still there. I wonder where all the compassion went? I don’t wish harm to anyone, but to experience grief for one day may help them to understand. Your friend can’t understand why you need come on here. Well I know and so do you, but unless she experiences some sort of bereavement she will never know. I agree, this is an amazing site, and although I don’t wallow in self pity I do feel better when reading how others feel. We are all in the same boat, and although it’s an old cliché it’s still true. We can all row together or sink together, but it’s our choice, so let’s get hold of the oars and row toward a better shore. Who knows, when find land we may find someone waiting for us.
Thank you Jonathan. This site was an anchor last week. I am like you I want to help but if you write and get no answer you feel silly. Times past I’ve gone to neighbours with tea bags and coffee etc to help with visitors but nobody bothers now. I’m sitting alone dreading the night but what can you do? Cruel, cruel life. Kx
Hi im so sorry for your loss im the same no one bothers all understandably back to there lives every day is getting worse all I want is my soulmate back in my arms we’d be discussing what’s for tea watch television have a good night kiss now another long lonely silent night full of sorrow ahead your in my thoughts take care x
Thank you Ade. I don’t know how to cope with this either. Keep hoping I wont waken up . Took a train today to a coastal town as at home I’m screaming. Worst thing I’ve done as never had such panic and the train went through our favourite towns en route. Wont be doing that again. Good night and God bless. X
Ho thanks for the message im sorry to hear that the panic attacks and anxiety are overwhelming I went out the front to water the plants the same happened im going to ring the gp tomorrow im really struggling I hope you can manage some rest take care of yourself in my prayers and thoughts speak soon xx
I found one of the worse things was to go out to places we used to go together. It brought back painful memories. But someone told me that when they had a bereavement they made themselves go. Now I am not suggesting this is for everyone, but for me it helped because I sat and imagined my wife was with me still. It may sound silly, but everyone to their own. She may have been, I don’t know. Perhaps facing what has happened and the feelings involved is better than pushing them away. They won’t just go away, so facing and accepting could help. But it does so much depend on personal views and temperament. Panic and anxiety are often brought about by inner conflict. Panic is a primal instinct in the face of danger which we have inherited from caveman. When danger threatens we can run or fight. In modern society we can’t do either, so the fear turns inward and results in panic and anxiety. We are in that state at the moment. Torn between the past and the future. Memories and an unfulfilled desires. The future is so uncertain and uncertainty can fuel anxiety. Anyone who hasn’t been to their GP should do so. there is no shame in wanting help, and doctors deal with bereaved people a lot and can often help with short term medication. Taking medication does not mean failure or ‘letting yourself down’. Not at all. We all need support and your doctor can give you that.
Katie, why do feel silly if you get no answer? You don’t know who reads your posts and who gets benefit from them. I do, so that’s one!! They may not reply but they have been helped. Blessings to all.
Thanks again Jonathan for your words of wisdom. I guess I feel silly because I don’t want anyone getting fed up with me. I really don’t know how to cope and having had a breakdown a few years ago I am so afraid of the feelings I am having. I have been to GP and expressed my fears and she was lovely but it doesn’t change my fears. Xx
I believe my husband lives within me. I like be him and won’t ever forget what we shared. Others do not understand what we’ve lost. I hope they never do do fear of the guilt they will feel for dismissing us.
It’s eay days for some and time helps but doesn’t heal. I will always love and miss him. Such is the strength of love. xx
Hi Bristles/Jonathan, I have to admit that right now I’m nearer to how Bristles feels, will this change who knows. Been to my GP who actually said if I don’t force myself to practise mindfulness then I will have a breakdown!!! My heart is broken I don’t find comfort in Mindfulness as yet. Went from there to hairdressers and ended up sobbing. I’m trying so hard like we all are but this is a living hell and every day the pain starts as soon as I awaken. I really don’t think there is an answer. Xx
Hi Bristles it actually makes me feel less lonely listening to the stories on this site I know then I’m ‘normal’ whatever that is. I understand totally what you mean by less bad days. Thank you so much x
I often visit places that we went to together. I don’t have any painful memories which relate to those places. This morning I’ve been for a walk through the woods on the other side of the dale. It’s a place we often walked and today the woods were resplendent in their covering of bluebells and ramsoms. I passed several places where I’ve taken photographs over the years, sometimes including my wife on the photo. I take comfort from visiting familiar places with good memories. Those memories don’t all include my wife, more times than not it was just me and the dogs. Every part of the town in which I live is linked to memories, as is every part of the dale. I walk mindfully, fully immersed in my surroundings and enjoying the sensory experience. I would rather walk alone as it’s much more immersive. I live amongst nature and I enjoy that close relationship.
I do miss the presence of my wife in my life but, unfortunately, that’s a chapter that is closed and I’m grateful for what remains. I know exactly what she expected of me as she told me often enough and I feel a sense of duty in living on with my grief intact.
Dear YL you sound as if you’ve got it sorted in your head. Your walk sounds amazing you’re lucky that you can do this. I have lovely walks around me but I’m a bit frightened to walk by myself. I know this pain will ease eventually it’s just early days. I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye as he died on holiday in Australia while over seeing his daughter (we were both married before). He said goodbye to me on 15 March and we never spoke again. Thank you so much for your inspiration I really do appreciate it. Kx
I too walk the Woods, Seafronts, Downs and alongside the rivers. I admire the flowers and nature around me listen to the birds singing in full voice and look out into the distance and the views just make me feel that much better, and a thankfulness comes over me. Brian and I walked all the time, on holidays both here and abroad and he asked me to take him with me wherever I go. I do and tell him in detail where we are, At first I thought that these walks would be too difficult, too full of memories. However I immerse myself in my lovely surrounding and find it very therapeutic. So I can only say to some of you give it a try. For me it’s the best thing for me to find some peace and I always feel much better afterwards. As far as I’m concerned nature is a blessing at this time.
Hello again Pattidot I have done small walks with my daughter but never on my own but I will try anything to feel better. Colin was more a walker than me but maybe its time to see what he saw and it might become easier in time. Thank you for your suggestion. X