I ade I lost my husband 6 weeks ago tomorrow and I’m devastated at first I kept thinking I was having a nightmare and kept waiting to wake up but as the days went on and didn’t wake up realised it did actually happen I am only 49 my husband wasn’t ill he just got chest pains had a massive heart attack and died he was 53 I have 2 grown up kids that don’t live with me so now I’m on my own my husband did so much for me as I’m disabled and on my own with no other family around me or my husbands family as they all live 3 hrs away and they havnt bothered with me now the funeral is over with. I am struggling with living I cry every morning when I wake as I know what I have to face every day on my own without my husband by my side I have been with my husband since I was 18. We have a very hard and lonely journey ahead of us x diane
Hello Diane I am so sorry for your loss and wish I could help you. It is about 6 weeks for me too. I’m sitting this morning bereft like every morning when I know he’s not coming back. I don’t even know what to suggest everyone on here has different coping methods like walks, but I don’t know if you are able to do that. I walked into a Charity shop last week and I’m going there for an hour today probably in tears. This pain is so cruel and with no support even worse. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers, you are not alone and write as often as you need I will always answer you. K xx
Hi im so so sorry to hear about your loss it’s utterly devastating im heartbreakon it’s been six months and three days since my soulmate of seventeen years passed away in my arms im utterly truamatised witnesing it all and finding it hard to take in mentally and physically destroyed I kerp telling myself he’s at the shops or in hospital and I’ll go up to help him eat he was just 39 passed away in October would have been 40 in January I can describe the agony of having to write his Christmas and birthday card out and lay them in his coffin at the chapel of rest we were a self sufficient couple did everything together from shopping and gardening to walks holidays had our future mapped out a small amount of friends who understandably have there own lives and families so don’t hear at all my partner had a big fall out with his family maybe six or seven years ago do as he was concussion me friends nurses asked if he would like anyone else there he firmly said no so I respected my partners wishes as have until this day in the dux or seven years of his life they never sent a card nothing knew where we lived so just me on my own we were young never had no life insurance so had to deal with the funeral service flowers everything on my own I hope I did the best for him im destroyed feel a little numb last two days tears don’t come as much but my heart is acheing more and more I’m just devastated I’ll be fourty in a couple of weeks just thinking about hiw he’d be teasing me and his untimely passing could have been prevented if the deadly sepsis hadn’t have attacked and they dealt with his bed sores properly and the cellulitis im only looking at the death certificate now and they have only put liver failure not the other causes so I’m getting advice of another person on here if there’s anything I can do at this point I don’t want anything nothing can bring the love of my life back jyst the secondary and other causes listed speak soon im in turmoil haven’t left bed for three days mostly just to get up go to the toilet wash my face etc take as much care as possible speak soon x
Thank you Katie for your reply I’m so sorry for your loss too there seems so many in our situation and its heartbreaking for us all.
I do suffer with depression too and on anti depressants before my husband died as I tried taking my own life 2 years ago and was on life support and now I feel like I’m being punished for doing that and that’s why my husband was taken from me too young I get angry why I survived just to end up alone now. I have had suicidal thoughts and phoned the samaritans but it doesn’t seem to be easing any it feels like it getting harder. I have a little dog so he is getting me up everyday otherwise I wouldn’t bother getting out of bed I also take him for a short walk I have a car and a mobility scooter so do try and get out with the dog if I can but once home it just seems to drag I have my son and daughter that come up on a Sunday for a couple of hrs so I look forward to having their company for a couple of hrs I hope everyone on here are coping better many thanks diane xx
Hi. Katie. Many doctors have little or no idea of what anxiety is about. They may not have experienced it themselves and just don’t realise the impact words can have on an anxious person. My doctor told me frankly that she had little training in anxiety problems. One word or even a sharp intake of breath can affect one who suffers in that way. To say if you don’t practise mindfulness you will have a breakdown is just NOT true. One could say that of any therapy. Mindfulness is very good and very useful, but it takes time to understand what it’s about, and when in the condition that most of us are in, it’s nigh impossible to begin. Meditation is the same. It’s very beneficial, but who can sit and meditate in bereavement? Well, maybe some lucky soul can. If so then good luck, but I would never suggest to anyone in bereavement to try and practise meditation or mindfulness, at least not until they become more settled, then it can help. The pain is too deep and time must be allowed to pass before any therapy, apart from counselling, should be attempted. Counselling with the right counsellor is very important because you do need an objective view. You can’t be objective, a good counsellor can. But make sure you go to a qualified person like someone on this site. There are many so called ‘counsellors’ out there who do more harm than good. It’s still, in the UK, an unregulated profession. Take care.
Thanks Jonathan I was shattered after he said that. As you say I can’t concentrate on anything never mind my breathing as its all over the place. Today I did a keep fit class then got the bus and who knows why but the grief monster was on the bus and I’m home in a state. Your words have helped as all I need is to think I’m having a breakdown on top of this hell. Thank you so much for keeping in touch. Kxx
My heart breaks for you Diane and I don’t think you’re being punished it’s just a shit world. I too have thoughts of leaving this shit world and finding Colin but what stops me is my adopted cat and my grandchildren. I would never knowingly give anyone this pain. I’ve spoken to Samaritans, breathing space and local mental health but really what can they say? I always feel they are so busy to get onto next call that they allow you to go even when you’re not ready. We have a local helpline that doesn’t open until 9am so tell me what good is that? Something to help during this period is necessary even if someone called in to talk for half an hour until we feel better. Sorry i’m ranting again. Please keep writing . Bless you. K xx
Hi Katie your so right it’s an awful world full of sorrow and pain yet the bad ones get it great my soulmate would be sitting watching the news now instead im heartbreakon lay in bed unable to move looking at his picture suffering panic attacks here’s to another long and hard silent lonely night when we should have our partners discussing what’s for tea supper watching the television talking about the day having a cuddle goodnight so utterly devastating take care speak soon x
So sorry Ade that you’re so low. You’re right we will never have a normal life again. I think this feeling is getting worse and other than on here no one is really bothered. They text when it happened now I’m alone at night like you and many others. I’m glad when it rains as it suits me and I don’t want sunshine when I can’t share it with Colin. I don’t want to sleep as it brings another day of hell closer. Much love Kx
Thankyou so much for your kind words means alot im the same dreading waking up to another long day without my loved one asking me tea or coffee going fir a nice walk lunch in the afternoon looking forward to our little conversations on the evening especially with it being bank holidays too about we would have so much fun together even sitting in the back garden together hearing the birds tweet was a privladge feel so empty and broken hearted another day in bed waiting for it to go dark another night of tossing and turning feeling over the other side if the bed wishing it wasn’t true calling out hus name as if he nay be in the bathroom or downstairs absolute torture really is happy for the people who move on in time god bless good luck to them i just can never see that in a million years not even a companion not for me my one true love is all I had and need take care speak soon xx
As I’ve said before im so sorry for your loss I feel exactly the same don’t see any reason on living we lived for eachother did everything together from shopping and gardening to walks holidays doctors hospitals dentists you name it to the ppint we were so in love if one popped to the shop and came out before the other would worry until I saw my soulmate it’s destroying mentally and physically some people can move on im very much happy for them and wish them all the best for the future I know I will only have my one true love that was so cruelly and brutally taken away from me your in my thoughts take care of yourself as much as possible x
Hi Bristles I completely agree I am waiting for cruse bereavement but frankly I don’t see anything someone could say or do to change my awful situation like you say we never asked for this heartbreak and to watch in my case anyway my partner I’m so much unnecessary pain it haunts me another long lonely night filled with sorrow then I wake up to not wanting to open my eyes thinking that it can’t be true as my heart is acheing dropping into tje pit of my stomach everyday is getting worse your right good luck and all the best to yl and all the other great lot who have courage and strength to see forward my forward was only with my beautiful partner we would be discussing what’s for breakfast the news would be on planning the weekend all gone stolen never to return I am truly devastated words can’t describe and the anxiety is overwhelming all day basically I just lay in mist of fog if that makes sense with no future my soulmate was my future we didn’t plan on being just one if us alone and scared replaying events over and over again so so sad another long lonely day as I wish people all the best will be out with families husbands wives I cant think I’ll make it further than downstairs if that and won’t be for long keep thinking this time last year how happy we were had our weekend planned now nothing literally your in my thoughts x
Hi. Katie. It’s about the only thing that makes me angry these days, and that is the uncaring attitude of so many so called ‘professionals’. Someone said to me when I was in the middle of anxiety ‘Do you want treating with kid gloves?’. The answer is yes, I do. This is not being sad or soft but UNDERSTANDING. Now this is not possible if you have not been there. There is an anxiety site in Canada, ‘anxietycentre.com’ that will only employ counsellors and workers who have experienced anxiety. Empathy not sympathy is what’s needed, and that cannot be unless you know. Had you had any experience of close bereavement? No, neither had I, and now I do know I can empathise with others in a like condition. Without the personal experience we can never know or even begin to understand. It’s essential in any counselling situation to feel comfortable with the counsellor. If, at the beginning you feel uncomfortable or embarrassed, give it time. If you go on feeling uncomfortable then find someone else. Trust is so important when talking to anyone who can help. Your private feels are still raw, and wrong words at the wrong time can throw you into despair. The last thing you need is judgement or criticism. But anyone who knows would never do it so take care when going for help. I have no experience of Cruse or any other counselling so can’t comment. But what I said above is so important.
Hi Jonathan you are so right what is the point of trying to help people if you really don’t know how they are feeling. Yes people can be nice but the common platitudes of it’ll take time, I can sense he’s with you (this from a woman I met) are all good and well but we want to know how to deal with this, what to do, who can we speak to and not when the office opens at 9am. No wonder some of us are so ill with grief. My friend as I have mentioned text once, my daughter volunteers to help a nearby family with their children. She has been round once. I feel like screaming what about me. No wonder the suicide rates are alarmingly high there is no place to go, no one to help when the screaming pain starts it almost seems there are no options. Yet if you need your methodone or clean needles or a safe room to inject come along we can supply that but don’t you dare suffer grief outwith office hours. K xx
Hello Katie8646 and Everyone, I must comment on your spot on post about grief being limited to “office hours.” On that same note, how often do well meaning friends promise “I will always be there for you, call me anytime day or night?” But did they really mean we could feel free to ring them in the wee hours of the morning, when we are overcome with grief and unable to sleep? I think not. This forum has become my 24 hour “grieving room.” Many a long, lonely night, the kind posters here have saved me.
Jonathan, how insensitive to be asked if you want to be handled with “kid gloves.” Why not? Grief wounds every aspect of our being. Of course you need to be approached with the upmost sensitivity. I too was told by my boss “it does no good to feel sorry for yourself.” We have every right to feel sorry for losing our loved ones (for me, my younger sister), and for the devastating impact it’s had on our lives. Someone precious was taken from us, and our lives have been forever changed by something we had no control over. We can not always be strong, like others expect us to be, I will not let others make me feel guilty for feeling sorry for myself. I send caring thoughts, Sister2Xxxx
So so true and sorry for your horrendous loss my thoughts are with you and totally agree with those ‘friends’ when it suits basically if you don’t have a smile on your face don’t even cone out in the car for some air it’s true you get to find out who your friends are it’s very sad I can count on a couple of fingers if that x
Thank you Ade, I also sense your degree of suffering and I am so sorry. People will let us down in our time of grief, and it adds to our pain. I had to Remind a friend of 20 years that it was the anniversary of my sister’s death yesterday. How nice if he would have remembered and reached out to me. If I did not say anything, he never would have. We are all on a lonely journey, but we have each other here, and I am glad you found us. I have “met” the loveliest of people on this forum. Take care. Sister2 Xxx
Thankyou so much I really appreciate your kind words means alot and yes like you I’m really suffering doesn’t seem like a way out that’s so sad you would have to remind someone close to what kind if weekend was coming up for you everyone goes back to there normal lives understandably but where’s the compassion and all of those false promises call me day ir night ill be there even a coffee a drive out next thing you know everyone is having a night out its so sad I’ve lost my soulmate of seventeen years so I’m utterly truamatised I cant understand how you must feel being so close to your sister you are in my thoughts I feel for your pain sometimes we feel.it over takes our lives I don’t feel that’s wrong because certain loved ones are so dear to us thinking of you alot take as much care as possible please x
Hi Sister2 just home after a very kind neighbour asked if I wanted to go out. First thing I did when I got home was cry for Colin as we visited some places we used to go. She invited me in for tea and promptly fell sleep she is 50. I made my way home and here I am sitting on my own. My daughter text me was I ok? No I’m not ok its been 6 weeks do you expect me to be ok. Why text do people not talk any more? I remember when i was small there were always people in after a bereavement, the bereaved was comforted but not any more. Compassion has gone. I’m glad of the immense compassion and understanding I’ve received on here it is a lifeline. Love to you all K xxx
Hi Katie so sorry to hear you have come upset sending you a hug hope you had some fresh air of course your not going to be okay we will never be or recover from this o have had another awful day never left the house at the doctors on Wednesday still waiting on cruse bereavement waiting list for another eight to ten weeks it’s awful this lonliness and the prospect of another long lonely silent night im so tired of it all Katie I just want my old life back im not living now just existing second by second x