I want to die so I can join my mam

I just want to thank everybody who has responded to me. It is comforting to hear your kind words. I am not welcome tomorrow but will go anyway for the vicars visit to sort the church service arrangements. I’m trying my hardest for mam. I hope she is watching over me. She knows how hard tomorrow will be and I will probably have to sit in the garden because of my claustrophobia. I can’t stop getting upset going to the house because she has her lovely things displayed in the hallway and it makes me cry because she’s not here. But I’m trying hard. When it is all over my family never have to bother with me again. I thought my sisters were genuine in making up because it’s what mam wanted and I was glad but obviously it’s not real and I hope mam isn’t seeing any of this. Mam doesn’t deserve this fighting and spitefulness. She is the most loving and caring person. I love her beyond measure. I’m still waiting for her visit. I love you mam xxx


Hi Christine, I will be thinking about you tomorrow, it’s amazing where we get the strength from when it comes to the funeral of our loved ones, sending love Jude xx

Hi Christine
Just reading the headline of this conversation…I know how u feel. It’s been 9 months for my mam, she passed suddenly in March with no warning. Cried myself to sleep every night, praying at bed time that god would take me to so I could be with her so that the pain would go. It is still hard for me 9 months on…I miss her so much. My mam, My best friend I’m lost without her. I prayed that she would come bk to me, to give me signs…I got dishearten because they didn’t come straight away. I’ve only had signs the past 2 weeks. I know how hard it is but be patient and she will come to u xxx

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Hi everyone,
Today went well after a wobbly start. I managed to sit in the bedroom while the vicar chatted with my sister and dad about the church service and crem - doing a photo montage of mam’s life (we have a huge amount of photos to plough through), thoughts from each of us about how special mam is, remembering whatever makes her special to each of us. I’m a textile artist and use poetry in my work (hand embroidered onto applique panels) to capture the essence of a subject and this will sum up my lovely childhood my mam created for me - ballet, dressing up, tea parties, making mud pies and perfume in the garden. She is such a special person. I’ll post it here when I have sorted it out because I’ll have to pick snippets from the context, making it about mam. But like my sister said, she is a church goer (will meet her parents in Heaven) so we will have traditional hymns for the church service with prayer and then go on to celebrate at the crem with rock and roll music, streaming for those who can’t attend. The wake venue is sorted and a stream of photos will be played again with albums to look at. My mam believed in angels, magic, fairies and the ‘little people’. She had a fairy dell in the old house. My photo’s show how happy she is with everyone, whether it was in a park with the children, camping, bbq’s and jubilee’s in the garden, on holiday. I realised she had such a happy life with people who loved her fully and she was content. I don’t have to worry myself about whether she was happy enough. I spoke to my sister and explained how excluded I have felt, not able to join in with everything and nobody understanding how isolated my anxiety and agoraphobia makes me. She explained that she has been so busy that she hasn’t had time to grieve apart from some times. My dad cannot see anyone upset because he doesn’t want to be upset himself. I understand that but I have been so desperate just sitting waiting for mam to visit me, alone in my bedroom, consumed by the devastation of not having her here. I also explained that when I would see her and return home I would always call to say I got back. My sister said to ring her from now on. I’m afraid that if I crashed or died in my sleep nobody would know because mam was my daily contact with the world, my buffer and safety blanket from being fearful because I am afraid of life generally (re agoraphobic). I feel balanced now and actually sat in the sitting room with the tv on for the first time in over 2 weeks when we were told about her cancer. The chapel of rest will be available this week and I can visit more than once. I have a letter to read to her and it is in her basket along with cherry blossom and a little buddha to keep her company. I love her more than life itself and am upset again after calming down and doing some chores. It helps to know that she could come any time in the future and I am going to go to church with my sister this week to pray for mam on her journey, light a candle and sit quietly with her. This breaks my heart. I watched The Chateau tonight. She loved the xmas ones and then I saw the b&q advert with them and I thought ‘I must ring mam’ and then realised she’s not here. I can’t put up any xmas decs, not even a tree in the garden like I had planned. She loves xmas, all the activities and buying pressies for everyone. I realised how little time I spent with my parents because of covid but also that made my anxiety worse and so when I did see them I was so stressed. My sister reassured me that I did what I could and mam knew that and always understood. That makes me feel less guilty but doesn’t take it away because she worried about me so much and I was the cause of that. But I did see her more than my sisters because I don’t have children and have the time to visit. I just want her life to have been perfect. I wish I’d lay on the bed and held her hand when she didn’t feel well. It was nice and peaceful imagining being with her, looking at the rooftops and sky from her bed. I’m so upset again but know I’m now not isolated like I thought. Now that they understand that I need to be included and also just how upset I am has made all the difference. I have imagined going to the church service and crem because my sister has drawn a layout and has explained how trapped I feel and claustrophobic so I’ll have an exit if I need it. I have to try for mam. I’ll never forgive myself if I didn’t try. I have chosen my dress for the day - a dark chocolate brown ball gown I found in a charity shop years ago and loved to dress up in it for xmas dinner with mam and dad. I’m not conventional and so would not be comfortable in a new dress. And it’s for mam. It will make her smile. I keep using the past tense and correct it to present. I know I’ll have to leave her at some point in the past but not just yet. The funeral is on 17 December so I suppose that will be the day when I admit she is not here now. I still can’t believe it’s happened. It’s so unfair for us all. And to do some chores - dishes, washing, tidying is in itself comforting while it lasts. But them I’m just left waiting for her again. It’s like living in a void, a vacuum, an alternative world where any security and normality no longer exists. It’s true that before this happened I had not been touched by grief, apart from my grandma when I was young but that did become past eventually. I’m so like my mam, a sensitive soul and cannot bear sadness. It engulfs me and I have no defence to it. I hope it’s not upsetting mam. But she would realise how much I adore her because I am so destroyed. I don’t want to leave her behind. My sister and dad will spread her ashes in her parents grave (she wanted that) and my sister will go every week with flowers and after she has had her time with mam she will ring me so I can chat to mam which will be so lovely. She’ll also take the buddha light to put ion during my ‘visit’. I’m in London and she will be in the North East (South Shields) where I grew up. Maybe one day I will be able to visit for a weekend (that is a major event for me though). But it’s an option I can mull over and it will bring comfort to me. My sister thinks it will hit her like a ton of bricks when she goes back to work. I’m glad my dad will spend xmas and New Year with her. He can’t bear the thought of being there alone without mam and I now understand why he is getting rid of furniture so as to make room for himself in the flat they only shared for 8 month (with care on hand when needed). My dad will wake and reach for mam and she isn’t there. I didn’t have enough room until now to even really contemplate how that would feel. They were married for 55 years. I cannot even comprehend that level of love and commitment. I am broken and cannot be mended because of several events in my life. I feel so selfish that I am so self absorbed by the anxiety (it is all consuming) but that is why I am so worried that I could not show mam how much I loved her and am desperate for anyone to tell me she knew how much. I suppose it’s a huge insecurity because I feel so disconnected from real life. It’s been a huge reality shock apart in addition to grief itself. My mam is so special for loving me and caring for me the way she did. I’m a fully grown woman, not a child. But I do feel like I need my mammy. I can’t even imagine how I will get through the service. Maybe I will become numb and be in a dreamlike state. I will have to take it as it comes. My imagination is far more creative than the reality. But I understand that many people don’t remember much and it’s a blur. I’m determined to do it for mam. I’ll continue to chat out loud and look for her. I did notice lots of baby feathers in the garden and on my doorstep. I know the cats have probably had a baby bird but I like the thought that mam has visited me and left me a note. I have my therapy tomorrow which will bring some balance to my time. Feel like I’ve had a break through today which I never thought would happen. I have cried so much that sometimes I had no tears left. I just want to thank everyone again who have posted in response. It does make a difference and I am very grateful to you. I’ll post my poem when I have sorted it out. I’m heartbroken though for the little girl I used to be. This will bring back so many beautiful memories and it just reinforces her not being here. Have to be strong for mam xxx

Emmab136, I just don’t understand why we are here if we are expected to suffer such pain through loss of our most cherished. I cannot begin to imagine the future without her. I hope going to church will make it easier to reach her. And by starting on this path I hope that I can help people, whether it is the homeless or the vulnerable (if I can do it alongside my anxiety). My mam always stopped, chatted and bought hot food for people who needed it and gave them information to contact shelters. She is such a special and kind lady. I am so glad she is my mam but I wish I had not taken her for granted. She has always been mam. That’s who she is. I should have told her how special she is. This is such a cruel thing. It really is. If only I could trade places with her, to have given her my life to start again from my age, before she had her heart problems and other things. I ran out of time with her. That’s how it feels. I didn’t tell her the most important stuff. I don’t want her to have guessed at how much I loved her. I need her to know that she is my world, always has been. To just tell her would be everything. Do you think she is beyond our imagination of what could be possible? I can’t wait to join her. Imagine how beautiful it must be to enter Heaven and your whole family be waiting for you and you can stay with them forever, loved ones you have lost and waited a lifetime to meet again. She nursed her own mam who had the same condition (gall bladder cancer). I remember the room when I was little. My mam always said she didn’t want us to do that for her. I am grateful she died peacefully on morphine with us all around her for the week she was there and when her final time came. I was so calm. She looked so peaceful when she passed. I want to be at peace like that, with her when my time comes. I just don’t want to wait a long time. Life will be so empty now. Anything I do will just be filling in time. I hope going to church helps bring me some sort of relief from this longing which can never be - to have her back or for it to have never happened. Life is unbearable without her here. I thought I’d turned a corner and got some clarity but I’m back to where I was before - balling my eyes out and wanting her back when I know it will never happen. I’m dreading xmas alone. I can’t imagine laughing again. Or not being aware of my desperate need to not be left behind. I wonder if we would all happily go given the choice. If mam could choose to take someone with her I wonder who it would be. I don’t know how dad isn’t in a desperate state. I think he’s avoiding dealing with what is happening, especially because my sister is with him. I’ll go over to help with the garden in the Spring. We will all plant a remembrance rose bush for mam in our gardens. I can’t imagine going into the garden at the mo. I’ve been avoiding it. It is my passion but because she didn’t see how it has matured it is now tinged with a sadness I don’t want to embrace. I feed the birds but don’t venture beyond that. I feel that if I do enjoyable things (like fleecing the fruit for winter) I will somehow lose her a bit. But she loved her garden and would encourage me to just get it done so I think I’ll try tomorrow, even if I do a bit. I couldn’t even have thought about that before today. It’s just so bloody heartbreaking.

The vicar came round to go through the service for the church and crem. The funeral is Friday 17 December. I feel so much better knowing what is going on and being part of it. I felt so excluded before. Didn’t think I could do it but I’ll try my hardest to go for my mam. x

Hi Christine
I live 10 mins from Shields so local to u. I know exactly how u feel with everything. Although I kept my mams ashes, I was going to scatter her ashes at the beach at marsden (she loved the beach). Then before that my Mam came to me in a dream standing on the leas in Shields with her back towards the sea and told me she was afraid of highs. So I kept her ashes and got her a beautiful urn. I’m glad she’s here with me and not scattered. Must have been a comfort for u to be with ur mam in her last moments knowing she wasn’t in pain.
My mam died suddenly…home alone on her own :sob::sob: breaks my heart I wasn’t there. My dad only left for work at 11, she text him at 12.15 lunch time and I was going round at tea time but then got a call at 5pm with the news no one wants to hear out the blue! :sob: I won’t ever get over her…doesn’t matter how many years weeks or months pass. Days are hard and unbearable sometimes but I count down the days. Each day over is another day closer to being with her again.
With church u do what brings u comfort, 4 months in and I was desperate to hear from my mam…paid £40 for a medium who didn’t even know my Mam had died! I’ve had better luck at spiritualist church which u just put a donation in. I’ve not been for months but 9 months on and my Mam is coming to me now, it does bring me comfort knowing she’s with me but it doesn’t stop the heartbreak every time I look at her photos. Ur mam will give u signs as soon as she finds her way …she will be grateful to have had her loved ones with her at the end xxx

I know she was with everyone in hospital and comfortable on morphine for the pain so it is a comfort. I’m so heartbroken for you. I don’t know how you would process that phone call. I’m so glad she’s visiting you. I’m desperate to just see her, tell her I love her so much and ask if she’s happy where she is. She wanted her ashes to be placed in her mam and dad’s grave in Shields where she grew up. I used to go to Marsden every weekend as a kid. Old Aunties would be there and it was such fun with gritty sweaty cheese sandwiches. I remember how windy it could be against the stripy break winder they would always put up. Don’t know how my mam carried it all on the bus with two little ones. Mam’s always find a way. She really is so wonderful and I took her for granted because she was just mam and that’s who she is. I want to tell her how special she is, what a wonderful happy childhood she gave me, making me the strong person I am today. I wonder if she sat back and watched her children and knew she’d done a good job. I miss her so very much. I had stopped crying for a while yesterday and thought I’d broken through by being able to actually have a conversation with my sister. It was like a false sense of reality because I’m back to waking up absolutely destroyed. She would be so upset if she could feel the pain I’m in. I just want her back and I’d do anything to have her, even just see her in a dream. I hope church tomorrow brings some peace. I always go into a church at xmas, light candles for my cats who have are no longer with me (I can’t write the ‘d’ word) and cry for them like they were my children. This is beyond my ability to endure. I just cannot bear it. We didn’t have a conversation about her not being here, just that the documents were under her pillow incase she didn’t come back from holiday every time my parents visited my sister in Durham or rented a cottage, usually in South Shields. My sister will go to the grave each week with flowers and ring me when she’s there so I can talk to mam. I wish we’d told her we would do that. Every time she went up North she would visit the grave, take flowers, tidy it but last time they went (September) she didn’t want to go. I wonder if she knew she would be joining them soon and didn’t want Dad to know. If only we could go back to being little, playing on the beach, collecting shells and crabs in rock pools. It was magical. There’s a lovely film where the dad passes on the power to his son to go back in time by getting in the wardrobe. When the dad is going to die they go back in time to when the son is little and they’re walking along the beach. It is so heartbreaking but my favourite film. Has lots of good people in it. Will try to remember and let you know. Life is just too hard! I can’t stop breaking. When I go to the house I’m heartbroken seeing all her teapots she collected. I didn’t get her one and wonder why not. I bought her lots of lovely things but now the teapots represent everything she is because they are displayed in the hallway. She still has the tags attached from who bought them. I wish I was more like my sisters. They are maternal, have children, it’s like I’ve never been part of that club. I feel like a child and I’m desperate to have my mam back. Cannot even comprehend how children lose a parent. I’ll be waiting forever to be with her. I had arranged to have my body donated to medical research but now want to be cremated so my ashes can be with mam. I can’t talk it over with her. Mam is the person in the family who everyone goes to for advice but I didn’t do that. I did it myself and I wish I had talked to her about it, about everything. I imagine her sitting on the swing chair in the old garden, smiling and chatting with a cup of tea. I wonder if the whole family should move back to the North East. I’d love to live by the sea. I’d go everyday and visit mam. Living in London is just so empty. There’s only my dad and other sister with her 3 kids. I’ll feel so far away from mam because I won’t be able to visit. I’ve just decorated and laid boarding in the loft and it doesn’t mean anything now. My life is just so empty without her.

I know how u feel…my mam died 5 days after my nan’s 14th year anniversary…she never got over loosing her mam and was depressed obviously around the memory. Bet she didn’t think she would see her Mam so soon! So now I dread the end of February start of March. Then Mother’s day…I didn’t even get to see my mam on mother’s day as the funeral was 3 weeks away so she wasn’t ready for the chapel. It was awful so surreal, I gave her, her mother’s day cards when I did see her, placed them on her chest with her hand on top holding them with a couple of teddy’s off previous mother’s day I got her. Ur very early early days for loosing ur mam…they say I’m still early days at 9 month. My brain doesn’t want to process it. I understand what u say…I have no children my dogs are my children ( got a 3yr old boy n a girl puppy 11weeks) my dog got me through the worst time of my life, I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for him. I went bk to child like like a child crying for my mam every night, I still do some nights. I always will. No one can replace ur mam. My mam tried to tell me the same…where papers are when she’s not here, not to cry for her and that I would be ok as I have my dad n my dogs few friends …doesn’t always plan out that way tho I haven’t seen my friends as much. I used to switch off when she talked about not being here told her I didn’t want to think about it n that we’d have a lot more years together. Never dreamed in a million years it would be my first Christmas without her. She did tell me she would always be with me even in death and never leave me. I’m sure ur mam knew how much she was loved…u can still talk to her now and tell her, write her cards letters , I wrote my mam a letter with what I wanted to say n put it in with her mother’s day card with her. I still get her cards now and flowers , Xmas cards, birthday cards and flowers just because, I can’t stop just because she’s not here and doing it helps me mentally xxx

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I had a productive day today going through photos, what is relevant to the photo mantage for the service and didn’t get upset as long as I was just being methodical. It was when my dad wanted me to sit with him to look at photo’s of his family when he was a child that I started getting upset, then looking at mam as a child with her parents and old aunties. I wish I’d known her when she was young, so pretty, loved to dance, always dressed lovely. A real person before she was my mam. Boxes of photos made me realise what a happy and full life she had with my dad before I was born. Always smiling and happy and enjoying life. It makes me so happy but so desperately sad that we didn’t do the photos with her. I found loads of victorian albums I’d bought her as gifts which were never filled. Why didn’t I do this with her? She has boxes of cards and things from school and old letters to her parents. She was so very sentimental and I cannot bring myself to look at them. I was just concentrating on what was relevant, then had a meltdown because I can’t bear hearing the happy stories because she’s not here. Why do we get old? It was only the last few years she had health problems. I didn’t see it. I thought she’d be a very old lady. I still can’t believe it. I cry and chat to here while I’m driving over there and back. I’m like a robot because it’s not real life. I feel so guilty that I couldn’t do this when she was here because of my anxiety. It’s like I’m in a dream state. As long as I’m doing my bit towards the service (we haven’t heard about visiting the chapel yet) I seem to be functioning. It’s when I’m at home on my own that all I can do is think of mam and she feels so far away now. I think I’ll get her fairies for her birthday in Jan. And cards and flowers like you have said you do. I don’t want t o upset my dad though. I was going to update the family tree hand embroidery. I might still try. I’m not doing xmas and my dad will go up north with my sister when she returns home and he will return in the new year. I’ll try to sort the photos into albums. She’s started planning the family tree from way back so I have a guide to follow. If only we had started the very old pictures because I don’t know who they are. My aunty will know. It still isn’t real. It’s like I’ve cried so much there aren’t any tears left. It’s 2 weeks tomorrow morning at 2.50 am. I still see her taking her last breath and passing. Absolutely devastating. I don’t want this to be real. My therapist says I’m more attached to my mam than a lot of people are. But that he believes that death is a natural cycle to life and that there is a consciousness beyond, whatever that may be. That she may or may not come to me and will happen when she is ready, if at all. That I have to carry on knowing that I carry her inside of me, that we were part of each other and that will not end with her passing. That is comforting. I’m crying again. It’s when I stop that all I have is my mam. I don’t know how I’m going to get through the service. I’ve washed my dress and coat ready for next week. It seems such a long way away. But it’s getting closer. I wish I’d spoken to mam about death. It’s something I’ve been afraid of my whole life (don’t know why). I need to know she wasn’t frightened. She didn’t want to leave us and put up a huge fight to stay with us. I know we were all with her and a lot of people didn’t have that but it doesn’t make a difference to being devastated. My mam was such a loving and fun loving person, loved her family, we were everything to her. I wish I could have shown her how much I loved her. I’ll post my poetry after the service so that she hears it first. I have my letter with her already and I will read to her. Everyone can write a bit about how special mam is to them, a memory of her. I have pages as well as my poetry inspired by the lovely life she gave me. She made me who I am and I never told her that. I know I’m just beating myself up again but I desperately want more time with her because I didn’t know how precious the time was and because of covid restrictions she was on morphine and asleep a lot of the last time I saw her. I just cannot bear to be without her and living on my own means that all I have is time to think about her. I really do appreciate how kind people have been to me on here. Thank you again xxx

I’ve had another good day with wobbles doing the photo album for the church service, cataloguing mam’s lovely life. It has taken losing my mam for me to actually look at her fabulous life from being a child (danced and won lots of medals) to having a happy life going to the dances and meeting dad. Mam was always so very happy in all the photo’s. She made her own clothes and even her wedding dress. I wish I had done this with her. She would have been so over the moon for me to sit down and look through and sort out the huge amount of photos they have collected. They are a lovely looking couple. We’ll be doing the old projector slides tomorrow. That was popular instead of a camera so there’s a big chunk of my youngest sister’s life still to be discovered so I can finish the album. Being part of the process of getting things done is helping me a lot. I dread coming back to my empty house after spending the day there. This is the first day I didn’t cry when I woke up. Just a heavy emptiness and dull ache. I’ve also been writing up the speeches for the service. My dad made a good one from their first meeting at the dance hall, asking her to marry him 3 times before she said yes. They were so very happy and then really wanted a family. The idyllic life. Funny looking at the fashions and hairstyles. But it’s so very sad that we age and become ill and the obvious happens. So young and full of life. It make me sad that I didn’t discover who she was before ‘mam’. I carry such a lot of guilt and regret, that I have been a source of stress to her, being difficult and wanting excitement when I was a teenager (nothing too drastic but my sister was so well behaved in comparison) and then not being conventional as an adult. I hate my anxiety and agoraphobia because of how stressful everything was when I did see her. She understood but I just wish she had an easier life. Some people sail through life without any drama. But she has had a fun filled happy full lifetime of love from everyone who knew her. I wish I could be more like her. She never told me how she managed after nursing her mam before she passed. I wish I’d had conversations about all of this stuff, the stuff that actually means something. We could have done the albums over time so she could add to it when she wanted. Life just seems so very empty without her in it. Keeping busy is just a distraction from the devastation hitting me again. It’s like being in a dream state, although still stressful just because there is so much to do. Don’t know how my dad will cope when he’s not with my sister and living alone. He’s been with mam for 58 years. I realised just how broken he is today when he couldn’t follow what I had done with the pictures because all he sees is mam and he took the images and remembers the setting. He fell in love with her when they were young. Heartbroken. He’s an old man and I didn’t even see it. What is wrong with me? I have no concept of the future and am locked into now, but in a rush always. Time has run out for everything I wanted to tell mam. When I was sorting the albun I thought, ‘Oh, I’ll ring mam’ and then realised I was at hers and she isn’t there. It’s so shocking, like being punched. It keeps happening to me. Lulled into a false sense of reality . I hate that I am going over everyday now to help when I couldn’t do that in real life because the pressure of planning created stress and panic. I think the grief and zombie state I’m in has replaced the anxiety state and I’m just exhausted and keep going anyway because there’s so much to do and I dread being alone at my house. To be at peace with mam would be the best feeling, to meet her again and just never having to leave. I wonder if you stay the age you die at and never change. I still haven’t had any signs and I’m still talking to mam on my journeys. Seeing mam so young and getting married has become my new image of her, replacing the hospital image. It almost revived her. I know not in real life but in my mind, when I talk to her. Dad and sister thought my poetry was lovely and summed up our childhood. It is because of mam that I am brave enough to fight my anxiety even though she isn’t here. She would love that the family are reunited again. I hope she is watching over us. Still didn’t get to church today so will do tomorrow. I will be very upset because mam liked going and stopped. I didn’t pay close enough attention to her to realise she needed someone to go with. I so wish I’d known this was coming so I could do everything to make her happy before the end. My lovely mam x

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Your mam sounds like a lovely woman who enjoyed life and lived life to the full. Glad you found comfort in looking through the photos. I understand and relate to everything ur going through, all of the emotions etc. My mam was the hardest death I’ve delt with and I wondered if what I experienced at the time was normal, didn’t realise it was normal until I joined this group and heard other people’s stories. I’m the same as u…I have anxiety and depression and my mam was always my pick me up, she was the only one that could pick me up from it, just a hug a talk and a little help from her made all the difference and made me feel much better, just that mams touch. I relate to the zombie state u talk about…I was like that for months just couldn’t shake it off…it’s a hard state u have to ride through. When ur muddling through life just trying to get through the day as best u can, don’t expect to much from urself just do what u can every day. In the first few weeks ur kept busy as so much to do for them makes u feel like there still here kind of as ur doing stuff for them. My mam got what she wanted…2 black horse and carriage a church service then the crem. The horses were fantastic stunning I got the purple plumes and coats put on them. Everyone commented how I done my mam proud and I think she would of been. I had to fight with coroners and funeral directors to get her dressed etc with the circumstances (she didn’t have covid) but her death was sudden. I fought for her and got her dressed nice with what she loved to wear such a smart woman. Gave her the best and the dignity she deserved. Those horses trotting to Shields crem felt like the longest journey. It was so worth it for what she wanted. I played Ed sheeran supermarket flowers at the crem for her. I was the same something happened I wanted to ring or text her then it hit me…as time got on I did get a bit stronger ( I’m sure she’s giving me the strength Cos I couldn’t do it without her) I obviously still have good n bad days 9 month on but a few months in I was ok…went in kitchen to wash dishes n bang it just hit me she’s not here n not coming back. The physical pain in ur heart n heaviness hurts too but that’s the love we have for our mams. I was desperate for signs in the first few months just anything to keep our connection together but nothing happened…I was really fragile and mentally in a bad place for months. It’s only been the last month or 2 I feel a bit stronger than I did then…now she’s coming to me. They come when they know u can mentally handle it…don’t worry she will come when she finds her way to u and when she thinks ur ready. She will be watching over u and can see how much she is loved. I looked through photos all the time in the first few months really get myself upset the more I look at them, the memories we shared Xmas and our holidays. I have her photo up in my sitting room next to her urn ( it’s a glass heart doesn’t look like an urn) I love seeing her face every day and I still talk to her. Every night she would text me nite nite that she loved me and the dog. So every night I get in bed tell her good night that I love and miss her, every morning say good morning to her. My dad stayed with me for 3 month after she died till we both got on our feet a bit, then he went bk to his but used to come over nearly every day…think he wanted the company he’s lost. Both our lives turned upside down over night. I’ve recently got a puppy aswell …a present off my mam a birthday present, I had discussed getting with her bk in January. So had to wait for mating to take place and then be born n 2 months with their Mam, so I just picked her up a month ago. My dad been staying at mine helping with the dogs on a night time. It’s hard work and made us closer and a purpose. I struggled every day even with my other dog, since the puppy I’m bk in auto pilot doing stuff. My dogs are my babies they give me strength couldn’t of got through this year without them. Does ur mam have anything that was precious to her? Jewellery or items or ornaments she loved? I have my mams rings she wore every day and her necklace, I put them on the day after she died n never took them off. She wanted me to have them gives me a bit comfort.
I’m always here if u want to chat xxxxx

It has helped having jobs to do but so distressing and totally heartbreaking looking through photos of her when she was young and really fun loving. She loved life and people, celebrating everything with a party. A happy full life before she had a family. I’m upset for who she used to be as well as my mam. I hate that we get old. I’ve been editing the photos for the digital montage from old slides we trawled through (so many). I also have the photos for the albums celebrating her life from birth to grand children. As long as I don’t think about the detail and see it as a task I’m ok but my neice sent me recent pics of their holiday in Sept and it is so upsetting to see her doing things for the last time. She was told she would get better. I didn’t know it was her last hospital trip. She was always there for me and I didn’t go every time she was rushed in because I knew that I couldn’t go with her and that it was routine. that she would always be back home within a couple of hours. I hate my anxiety, that I wasn’t there for parties and family things because I am too claustrophobic. It feels like I wasn’t present in her life like I should have been. I know she understood but it’s too late to make it all up to her. I’m still waiting to see her at the chapel of rest. I will try to go to the funeral on Friday. Don’t know how I’ll do it. I wear her clothes for bed to feel close to her and have her picture by my bed. I tell her to look for the buddha light. I’m dreading xmas without her. She loved xmas day when I went over and then boxing day with my sister and her children. I think she would have wanted me to do a tree but I can’t and can’t even think about the food. She is my most precious person in this whole world and I don’t know how to live without her. I keep thinking she’s just not at home and she’ll be back later. I’m stressed that my other sister and dad aren’t doing what she wanted. There are so many of the family up North not able to travel down to London and can’t celebrate her. I’m sure they still will. She loved a party. I’ve been writing up speeches for everyone to be read at the service and crem. I knew I loved mam but didn’t realise I wouldn’t want to live without her here. Everything is meaningless. Everything I’ve been doing is for her. There’s nothing outside of that. I know she loved me and wouldn’t want me feeling like this but that doesn’t make a difference. I feel so destroyed without her here. I really do feel like a child. I’ve got my little cat to look after and the fish. It is a reason to get out of bed but then I’m just sitting thinking of her and crying because she’s not here. I would gladly trade places with her. It makes me realise how empty my life is and how much she was loved and will be missed by so many. It’s not fair. She had xmas to look forward to and grandchildren. They went back up North for a holiday after not being able to go because of covid and health reasons. I thought things were getting back to normal. I have to get ready now to go over for the zoom with the vicar to finalise things. I just don’t want to get out of bed. Thank you for being there for me. It helps xxx

Always here for u…
I know what u mean if u think of something as a task rather than the detail of it it’s more bareable u can do it. I’m the same just can’t think of stuff in detail. Sending u strength and hugs so u can see ur mam in chapel and sending u strength for Friday and hope all goes as well as can be. I been looking at our Xmas photos from 2 years ago…that’s how I remember her looking well, look at the photo and that’s her but my brain just blocks out n can’t grasp that she’s not ever coming bk, life’s cruel and shit. I was like u the first few weeks after Mam died…I thought oh she’s in hospital or at someone’s house or on holiday. Every time I sat in her house in my mind I’d be sitting waiting on her coming in Cos that’s what I did, she was always home. So the house never felt the same without her. Had to pack up her house…my childhood home my mams house of 30 years the house full of memories…when I packed up the house the brain just wasn’t registering it. It was like I was packing up her things to move her home. I’m not doing dinner this year, there’s only me and my dad n he doesn’t want a dinner. I couldn’t bare to stand n cook a dinner without her (she always helped with Xmas lunch we did it together) can’t sit n cook a dinner and eat it next to her empty chair. It’s just not right. Xmas eve is worse for me than Xmas day …we spent every Xmas eve together all day doing stuff and preparing to have a nice time. I wasn’t that big fan of Xmas but she liked it n got me in Xmas mood, doing stuff together. Special little thoughtful gifts she was so excited to get me “a little surprise” every thing we did together won’t ever happen again. Her giving me new pjs on Xmas eve (even tho I’m 35 lol) …None of that this year I can’t be bothered with shops. It’s not the fact of a new pair of pjs it’s the fact it was a gift off her that’s wat made it special and our tradition. It wouldn’t be the same buying my own for Xmas . Xxx

My sister does the xmas eve pj’s thing with her children. It’s a lovely thing to do . I’m wearing my mams lovely pj’s now and feel closer to her. Can’t even think of xmas without her here. I usually get new bedding and was going to ask for new sheets this year. It would have been my parents first xmas in this place, having already moved because they couldn’t manage the old house and garden. I’m sad but also pleased that they aren’t at the old house. I couldn’t bear that, going into the garden we had created together. My dad will go to my sister’s up North and return after New Years, putting mam’s ashes in with her parents grave. I can’t even imagine life after the funeral on Friday. Doing the ‘tasks’ has focused me outside of just thinking of mam and crying. I’m looking forward to seeing her tomorrow. It seems so long ago now (3 weeks on Thursday). I have lots to tell her and I’m sure I wont want to leave her. She was ready last wednesday and they didn’t phone. I would have seen her every day. I wonder if she’ll be there with me when I visit. I hope she is and can hear me read my letter to her. It doesn’t seem real. I keep getting a shock. I hope she looks the same as my old mam. I had a lovely thing happen today. My friend 2 doors down rang me. We hadn’t spoken since the summer and it must have taken some courage to ring me. He lost both his parents years ago and it was to say that he is there for me whenever I need him. He’ is a lovely soul and good friend, very spiritual. I’ll see him after Friday. He’s probably heard me crying for weeks. I get about 3 hours sleep with a pill and wake at 4 sobbing. I wish it was me gone in place of her. I just can’t accept what’s happened. Knowing she’s not hear to chat to or see. It doesn’t seem real again. I miss her so much. Watching her doing puzzles with a cup of tea. It’s unbearable thinking of the next 20 years without her. How can that even be possible? I still haven’t been to church. Everyone is so busy. I just want to sit and be close to her because she liked going to church at xmas. Think I’ll go xmas eve and xmas morning. My neice sent me pics of mam in Sept when she visited them with her laughing and shrieking on the little train. She loved doing fun stuff and I couldn’t because of my anxiety. I wish I’d been able to tell her I love last time I seen her before hospital. Why couldn’t I see how ill she was. I’m so wrapped up in how I’m feeling I can’t see what’s really happening around me. I hate myself for it. I’ll let you know how my first visit goes tomorrow. Night hun x

Seeing mam at the chapel of rest was good. Got a real shock at first because she didn’t look like my mam. The smile was wrong. But the more I spoke to her and cried it was like she was becoming her old self again. Before I left home I was standing looking out onto the garden, looking at what I had written to tell her, and two baby feathers floated down from the sky. No birds or anything around. I believe it was mam saying hello. I feel so much better seeing her and will go back again tomorrow and the next day. Will also plant a tree at the crem so we can visit her. I know it’s just her body at the chapel and she was freezing cold (I was holding onto her hand) but I hope she was listening. I want my old mam back, sitting in the shade on the swing chair in the summer like we used to before covid, weeding the garden and stopping for a cup of tea. I can’t accept she’s not here. It doesn’t feel real. I can still smell the candle burning in the room. I was telling her how everything was going and that we’ll look after dad and that I’m sorry for not telling her how much I love her. I don’t want her to be gone on friday. That’s when she’ll really be gone and I won’t be able to visit her again. I read her my poetry for the church service and said everything I didn’t tell her when she was here. I finished the photo album and realised it’s really happening. Every smile and laugh made me cry. I can’t enjoy any of it because she’s gone. She was such a happy person and I didn’t realise. Why couldn’t I see? I love you so much mam xxx


Aww I know what u mean…my mam didn’t look like her either, they never do, so I looked at her hair, her hands and her legs, she had long legs and that’s what made me feel like it was more her. I stroked her hair held her hand trying to warm her up ( even tho u obviously know they won’t) the thing what hit me hard wat brought it hoke was seeing her name and age on her coffin lid next to her …it smacked me in face with reality I cried every time I seen it. It was all surreal , it didn’t look like her or feel real but obviously u know it is them. I only seen my mam 3 times, too hard any more to see it didn’t change anything. We did put things in with her, cards, teddy’s, letters etc I moved her hand and put her mother’s day card on her chest holding it. I hear what ur saying it’s like obviously there still here until the funeral. So hard, I’m thinking of u and sending u strength xxxx

I was very shocked at first because she didn’t look like herself but then I realised today she looks like a china doll. I used to collect them as a kid because my uncle was at sea and brought them back from different countries. The more time I’ve had with her the more I’m getting used to her new look and through the tears her old self is becoming real. I know she’s not present but I’m going one last time tomorrow before the service and crem Friday. It’s my last chance to see her and I’ll be devastated knowing I’ll not be able to go again. If I could I would have her preserved so I could take her home to chat to and pretend she was real. I know this is sheer desperation because I cannot accept what is happening and my sister was appalled when I mentioned it. We have decided to split mam’s ashes so she will be buried with her parents grave but also we each get to keep a little bit of her in a tiny urn. I will bury her in the ground so that I can take her with me if I ever moved. I have a lovely spot at the top of my garden with a pond under the shade of trees with climbing roses and irises. It needs planting up and I’ll add spring bulbs and foxgloves, hollyhocks etc for summer planting. Really fill it with colour and scent, She had a fairy dell which was magical so I’ll create that too. She would really love it. And I’ll be able to sit with her every day and chat. Means it’s a reason to get out there and not neglect the garden as I have since mam went into hospital. It gives me hope to get up in the morning after its all finished and my family go back up North for xmas and new year. I’ll look after the ashes until dad gets back. Will give them time to sort the grave. It’s really lifted my spirits, knowing she is close. Was going to rent a plot of land for a tree in the crem garden but it would be quite a drive and I wouldn’t be able to do that alone. This way mam will be in a beautiful garden and she’ll be with me. I feel like I will be able to move forward knowing she is actually with me in my garden. Will let you know whether I can get through Friday with the stress of seeing extended family as well as the service. My mam would love what we’ve done for her. xxx

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What a lovely sounding plan Christine.

I’m really excited about this. Just didn’t want to wake up, wanted to join mam in her coffin, that my life means nothing from now on. But the thought of creating this garden with fairies would be something she would be really excited about. I always feel better getting out there and it’s a big garden to keep going. I just abandoned it when she went into hospital. This can be her paradise on Earth, a Garden of Eden, where she can visit me or stay forever. It will be like she is forever here, she is the flowers and the water and the sun and shade. Maybe I’m getting excited through lack of sleep. 3 hours a night for the past 3 weeks. Quite giddy on the possibility that mam will live on in my garden and see me every day. How wonderful. I might buy some fairy lights after all. x