Good on you Christine because that does really sound wonderful. Something you can see from your window as well. Loads of possibilities. I lost my Mum last week, can’t make sense of things and reality seems disturbed a bit right now. Take care as you go about making your garden -love the fairy light idea by the way. A little oasis of tranquility and calmness for you both
So sorry you have lost your mam. I saw her for the last time at the chapel of rest today. Can’t believe I’ll never physically see her again. Although she didn’t have that smile and looked different it was still mam and she looked beautiful, like a tiny china doll. I held her hand and chatted to her like she was just closing her eyes for a bit. The service and cremation is tomorrow. Don’t know how I’ll get through it but I’m determined to for mam. And after tomorrow my world will just fall apart because she will be gone and I won’t know what to do. I just want to join her. I don’t want to wait another 30 years of filling in time. She is my world, my life, everything to me. I just don’t want to be without her. What is the actual point in getting up each day to wait to be with her. I feel totally lost now I know she isn’t at the chapel. I love her beyond everything. I didn’t know until she went that she was everything. I didn’t think beyond the latest hurdle and phoning her to tell her what was happening, like a buffer to the world. I just find living so hard. Must get some sleep so I can get up and pick up my sister and kids. I’m dreading tomorrow. I won’t be able to stop crying in front of everyone. I’m determined to see you mam. xxx
I’m devastated that it’s my last visit and the service and crem is tomorrow. I don’t want her to be burned. I don’t want her to leave me again. I want her back. This can’t be it. I can’t live without her after the funeral. I’ll just be sitting on my own crying for her. I’ll not be able to pretend to myself that she’s just popped out and is coming back soon. I keep thinking I haven’t spoken to her for a while and must have a catch up. I just can’t accept this, any of it. It’s not real. I want her back. I’ll go to the funeral and just pretend it’s not her and tell her all about it when I get home. Must get some sleep for tomorrow but I’ll tell you how it went. We’ve worked so hard on everything. She would be very happy with it all. I hope she’s watching, sitting next to me, holding my hand. I won’t want to leave her. I don’t want to say goodbye again. How can this be happening. I know it’s 3 weeks today but I don’t know how that time has passed. I won’t be able to see her face again. xxx
Hello Christine
I hope you’ve managed to fall asleep since last posting although I doubt you will have. I haven’t seen all your posts but its obvious you’ve poured your heart and soul into every last detail for tomorrow. The devotion to your Mum just shines through your words. Don’t be afraid of crying in front of anyone. It’s your day with your Mum. It will be hard but you’ll get through it, somehow. You’ve made it this far. I wish you a peaceful mind and strength to get through tomorrow xx
Hi Christine, I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear mum, I lost my mum in July this year and I too am struggling so much like you explained I too can’t except she’s gone, I went to see my mum twice at the chapel of rest and even though it didn’t look like her I felt comfort being with her, we put lots of photos in with her of all her family / her babies covered her with blankets and locks of hair from me and my daughter for her to hold, I’ll never be the person I was before I lost mum and I miss her so much the pain at times is so raw, I’m having counselling to help talk about mum, I hope everything goes ok for you today , it’s your day to be with your mum and you grief the way you want to, will be thinking of you, take care, always here for a chat
Lynn xx
Thinking of u today Christine , stay strong xxxx
Thank you. I did go to the church service and crem but not the wake. I had so many panic attacks - getting in the cars, had to run out and hid at the side of the church and the vicar had to coax me back before she could start the service. I sat on the step into the church so I could see and partly hear. I didn’t even know who was there. It was a sea of people and I had to escape, feeling trapped. I heard someone saying ‘she’s putting it on’ and my sister told them I wasn’t. Who would do that at their mother’s funeral? I could barely stand up and couldn’t see for crying and couldn’t understand why nobody else was more upset. I know mam would be amazed I was there but I feel so guilty that I wasn’t able to just behave myself and be like everyone else. I don’t want attention and just want to be invisible. I just want my mam. I asked the vicar if Heaven was real and she said it was like a party (because mam loved a party). I asked if mam would visit me, as a ghost and she said no. It was the paper angels dancing in the trees that upset me going into the church. I should have asked if mam was an angel. She said mam lives in each of us, is part of us and we can still talk to her. I have the service booklet with her smiling at me and it just makes me want her more. I told the vicar I didn’t want to be here without mam and she said about reaching out to people and that I have my sisters. One sister is returning home up North with Dad until after New Year and my other sister is moving so the only person I do have is my therapist who is lovely but can only see my weekly. Mam was my buffer against the world. She understood and gave me strength to go into the garden, get out of bed, not give up. I didn’t realise how much I depended on her until now. I can’t bear to not have her in this world. To carry on is empty, filling in time. I still didn’t get to church. I just don’t know how to be without her. I don’t know what to do. Why is everyone else just carrying on like it didn’t happen? I don’t understand. My sister has to put the tree up for her little one so my niece is helping her. I have therapy this afternoon so I might try to go round after seeing my therapist. I can’t buy or receive presents, put up decs, celebrate because she isn’t here. I used to go to mam and dad for xmas day and it’s never going to happen again. Mam loved xmas. She was xmas. I would make wreaths for the doors with greenery from the gardens. I know how upset she’d be because I loved xmas. It was my favourite time of year. I have no one to help me. I didn’t need help before because I was so independent because mam encouraged me. I don’t know how to be without her.
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It’s disgusting that someone even suggested that u were putting it on! That’s really bad they should mind their own business. Everyone deals with these things differently. I know what u mean how can ppl carry on when u feel like that, it effects us all different lu
It effects us differently…I was numb at my msms funeral like in a daze. Don’t listen to what the vicar said about ur Mam not visiting u…every vicar sings from different hymn sheet not one of them say the same thing, so don’t believe it. Believe what u want to believe, I do xxx
I forgot to tell you, when I came out of the church I thought a bird had poo’d on my head, a really heavy drop but there was nothing in my hair. Thinking it must have been mam. Vicar was lovely but not expecting her to say that. There are so many people who feel a presence or have a sign. My sister saw a giant hand in the clouds and thought it was mam. I think if it happens, whatever it is, you are lucky. My eyes are so sore from crying. So exhausted. Managed to do dishes and washing, watching tv. Just want to sit and think about mam. Feels like she’s just popped out sometimes and I have to remember to tell her things. Seems that is a good thing in the grieving process. To let go of holding onto her is to get her back. I just can’t understand why it has happened. I know it happens to us all but it is just so painful. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. Life is so cruel. I’ve decided to get a xmas tree for the garden to do a memory tree for mam. There was at the chapel of rest and people hang their memories or messages. I’ll photograph it for the album and it means that mam won’t be upset that I never celebrated xmas. Can’t face any of the other xmas stuff but this is dedicated to mam with love x
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Thank you. The church and crem services were lovely, even though I had panic attacks at being trapped and couldn’t even stand upright because I am just so devastated she’s gone. It was comforting to see her at the chapel but so upsetting that I can’t go back to see her any more. I’ve done a post about a ‘Memory Tree’, getting a tree for the garden and writing tags from the family - thoughts and memories for her. I’ll photograph and add to the albums I created for the wake. It’s the only thing I can force myself to do. Mam loved xmas and she’d be so upset if she could see I hadn’t done anything. I’m so hearbroken she’s not here. x
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Hi Tina. Thank you. As you can see from my updates I managed to go to the church and crem with awful panic attacks because I felt trapped. Mam would have been amazed that I even tried. I’m glad I did but had to sit on the step of the church and couldn’t hear everything. But mam would have loved what we did for her. It is just heartbreaking to not have her here. x
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I want to thank everyone who has replied to my posts and to those who have read them. I’m doing a memory tree for my mam in place of Christmas, creating tags of memories and thoughts from the family to hang on a xmas tree in the garden (sealed with cellotape or glaze to preserve). I’ll photograph as I go and add to the albums of mam I created for the wake. This will replace Christmas and I think mam would be pleased. I’m so heartbroken she’s not here and can’t imagine actually getting the tree because I can’t stop crying but she’d be so upset if I didn’t do something Christmassy. I’m posting here so you can do one too if you want to. There was a communal memory tree outside the chapel of rest (I wish she was still there so I can visit her) and I thought it was such a lovely idea (though it was too upsetting to read the tags). I also like the post of lighting a candle and will do that too around the tree on Christmas Eve and Day, Boxing Day and New Years Eve and Day. It’s the only thing I can do. I’m hoping to go to church today with my sisters, to sit in a space she would have enjoyed and to feel close to her. x
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We are all so proud of you Christine but your mum is the proudest of all . I lost my mum 6 months ago and it is the most terrible thing , i am lonely most of the time . Take care. Love Angie xx
Hello again Christine. I’m pleased to hear you managed. I understand how things are when panic attacks strike. It will give you huge comfort and peace of mind that you overcame your them. My Mum’s is New Year’s Eve. Don’t know how I’ll manage, but I suppose somehow we do. Kind wishes to you
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Mam would be so upset that I’m not doing xmas because it’s our favourite time of year. I was responsible for the cakes because I can’t cook and I’d always over order. I just can’t do it without her. I told dad to spend xmas with my sister returning home to the North East. I can’t pretend to not be upset and won’t be doing anything - food, presents (my favourite thing is to get the perfect gift for the person I’m buying for), cards, decs etc. Probably take sleeping tablets to just sleep through the day until it’s over. I can’t understand why everyone isn’t in bits. I’m numb at the mo, like she’s still here and will be back later. That hole she has left is so huge there’s nothing left of me inside. I was excited about the idea of the memory tree but the reality of it is so hollow because she is still gone. I sent the vicar an e-mail apologising for holding up the service because I ran out in a panic and she said mam would have been proud of me for getting through it and being there but I all I feel is guilty that I couldn’t behave myself long enough to just get in and sit down like everyone else. I feel so lost without my mam. Nothing matters now. I’ll do the tree but don’t know why. It’s like going through the motions, filling in time. It’s not going to make a difference to mam or me or anyone else. But my sister will laminate the memories to preserve for years to come. I’ve gone from feeling numb, to crying, to feeling totally lost. I have her smiling picture next to my bed and every time I look at her I burst into tears. I just can’t bear what is happening.
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I just wish I’d been able to sit in the church and be part of the service. I was sitting in the doorway and couldn’t really hear. And I didn’t go to the wake. But mam would have been amazed. I just miss her so much. It’s like being ripped apart. My mam’s mam (my grandma) died on New Years Eve when I was little and I’ve always hated it, even now. I just cannot bear losing people I love. I’m not strong enough to get over it. My idea of a memory tree was something I thought I could do for mam but I don’t know now. Don’t really see the point in doing anything at all. It’s like being numb, filling in time, going through the motions. When I’m not crying I feel guilty. I feel so far away from her. It was 3 weeks on Thurs that she died and the funeral was on Friday. It’s all a blur now.
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Hello Christine.
The first Christmas is always the worst , it will be my first one without my mum . Your mum will understand and next year you will feel different about it . The Vicar understands about it so don’t punish yourself . Cry as much as you need to , its better to let it out than build up inside you which isn’t good . Please take care of yourself and keep posting on here when you need to.
Love Angie xx
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U did well to get through the service and ur mam would be proud. That’s the emotions and stages of grief Christine…at the beginning it’s a really hard rollercoaster of emotions. I’d never experienced anything like it in my life. One minute numb next min crying …then everything else in between. I didn’t know if I was coming or going in the early stages or wat planet I was on. Just in a daze lost floating through what felt like forever…but there was nothing I could do to snap out of it or stop it. Had to ride it out. I had to go to bed on an afternoon to be alone quiet time shut the world out for few hours. I couldn’t cope any other way. I’m 9 months in and this year without her has flew I don’t know how…Xmas will be over soon and the March anniversary will come round soon enough. This Xmas will be totally different to what we usually do obviously do. Things will never ever be the same. I had to be strong on my own as friends weren’t always there my dogs got me through it. They are my reason to live now. I went to spiritualist church in the summer, my Mam came through…she said I need something to occupy my time and keep busy. I had already decided to get the puppy when Mam was alive so she knew about it and wouldn’t be happy if I didn’t get her after all this time. So I got her. I couldn’t help myself the first few months never mind a puppy…but then I guess puppy came when we were both ready. Without my dogs I don’t have a reason to live. They get me through this life but when they are gone I’m gone.
Stay strong Christine, every emotion u go through in this process is normal, it’s tough but we are all here for u xxxx
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I’m doing the memory tree in place of xmas just so it’s something for mam. She would like that. I’ve started uploading pics and speeches from the service onto the muchloved site which is an online memorial to mam. When I’m doing stuff for mam it feels like I’m coping (somewhat) but everything else in between is just being disconnected from everything. My cat gets me out of bed and I’m driving my sister to the shops because she hasn’t started on her xmas shopping for the kids. If I can help out I will just so I’m not sitting on my own at home wishing I was with mam. I miss her so much. Sometimes I’ve cried so much that there’s nothing left. Why do we not know about this stuff before it happens? If I’d sat down with mam and had chats around her not being here it might have helped. But it was so quick. And it’s such a blur. Do you think you might do a memory tree or you could peg paper strips to a washing line. I like the idea of them wafting in the breeze, even though the weather will take the writing. I’ll photograph as I go and add to the website. Seem to be functioning on a robot level today. I’m sure when I see everyone doing their xmas stuff I’ll realise mam’s never going to have another xmas and I’ll be balling my eyes out in the carpark waiting for my sister. I just don’t care what people think. They don’t matter. Mam is the only thing that matters to me. x
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