Hello again Christine. I’m always touched by what you write. Keep yourself safe and out of harm’s way and just take your time with things. x
I took my sister xmas shopping for her children today and was focused in a numb way so quite stress free compared to the usual mayhem of xmas. Just feel flat. It’s like I have no emotional energy left for mam and I’ve run out of tears when I got upset sitting in the car on my own. Mam feels so far away. It’s like the reality isn’t quite real. It’s not knocking me down like a train the way it was before. I know mam would be pleased that I’m helping with the shopping so I feel better, a bit, knowing that. But then I got upset seeing a flowered cup in the tesco catalogue, thinking ‘mam would love that as a little extra’. She loved flowery china. Hoping to get the xmas tree for mam’s memory tree tomorrow. I’m sure I’ll feel totally lost and alone when my dad and other sister go up north on wed. It’s like I’m waiting for it to hit me again. I have mams picture beside me and she’s laughing and it doesn’t make sense that she’s not here. I can’t even go over and look at her clothes when dad leaves because all her things have gone to charity (we all kept whatever we wanted so I have lots but her things aren’t in her bedroom where they should be because dad couldn’t look at them). I just don’t understand what’s happened. I would have gladly taken her cancer myself so she would still be here though I wouldn’t want her to go through this. It’s horrific.
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Hello Christine I get what you mean about the cup, when I lost my Husband several years ago it was the little innocent things like that which would get to me. My Mum passed away on 9th December and I can’t face being anywhere near shops so I haven’t experienced yet about things my Mum would like. Just feel so bereft and it still seems temporary. Its easier than you’d ever think to get in a state where you don’t feel able to be out so you’ve done well pressing ahead and taking your Sister to the shops. She probably will have welcomed spending some time with you too. Things sound as though they have happened fast around you since losing your Mum, just at a time when stability and routine would have given comfort but the memory tree sounds a lovely project to spend some time on, you sound quite a creative person. I can imagine you’ll really miss your Dad and other Sister on Wednesday. It’s good that you have another Sister there with you. I can offer plenty of kindness and empathy but any advice would be absolutely rubbish as I’m at a loss on how to cope with things myself. Thank goodness there are people on the forum that are able to share their experiences. Keep well.
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I’ve just been adding details of the church service and crem - music lyrics, prayers and hymns. Lit a virtual candle, added some thoughts about rhubarb and then got upset because I realise I didn’t pay attention to her recipes and can’t cook to make all the lovely things she cooked. Miss her so much. My other sisters can cook but that’s not the same. I took extra art because I just wasn’t interested. Should have written things down. Didn’t realise it was all so very precious until now. Just want to be with her. But I’m sure she was next to me when I was singing the lyrics to one of the songs in my head. I could smell the candle from the chapel of rest, even though my nose is blocked with crying. My therapist (treating me for my anxiety / panic attacks) says I shouldn’t look for signs but that was very real. I even turned around and asked if she was there. Does that sound freaky? I’ve kept asking her to visit me and now I believe she has. Feel blessed! x
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No way does it sound “freaky” Christine. I can imagine that’s brought you great comfort. I’m no use either with cooking. My Husband was and my Mum would bake so I can relate to what you say about paying attention. Would you like to recreate any of your Mum’s recipes in the future? I have a problem with Anxiety too and had counselling and CBT so I understand the difficulty that brings. it can be debilitating. My brother wants us to see Mum at the Funeral Directors tomorrow, petrified so don’t know if I can go through with it. Keep going Christine x
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It has brought me some peace and happiness knowing she is present. I think the cooking thing is my anxiety that mam isn’t here doing what she does naturally. It represents happy times throughout the year, growing and collecting fruit for jam and pies, baking for birthdays and bbq’s and special desserts for Christmas. I don’t want to lose the essence of who she is and if I’d written things down I would have preserved her in the book. But it also represents her being healthy and capable. She is such a loving and gifted person. It’s so unfair. I know we will all go (can’t use the d. word) but I don’t know how to be without her. I wish I’d made time with her special and not taken for granted how lovely she was. She is mam. Everything about her and what she did was just who she was. I didn’t know I had to memorialise everything. But that’s not normal life. I realised from the photo albums I created I wasn’t present at a lot of family do’s because of my anxiety. I didn’t go to their 50th anniversary party, or my auntie’s 90th birthday do. I’m missing. I stopped being present and the everyday was extremely stressful because I have been dealing with ptsd for years. Still cannot quite believe I went to the chapel of rest, church and crem. The driving force is mam. My anxiety has been subdued somewhat by grief. I would try to go to the funeral director’s if you can. You won’t get another chance. This is it. That is why I pushed myself. And if you can’t go in then have two minutes and try again. You don’t have to do anything. But you might regret not trying. I’ll be thinking of you. I will be collecting mam’s ashes at some point with my sister. Don’t know whether I can do that either but I’ll try. Let me know how you do. Play it through in your head, like a film, in slow motion. The trick is to react with anxiety and then when you do it for real it will have become diluted to a degree. I use this and it helps. x
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Thanks Christine for your reply. It’s interesting to hear about your life. I’m sorry you’ve had to battle PTSD. I think there is almost an element of that in loss as well. How are you feeling today? I don’t think my Brother is too well so won’t be going to see Mum so it’s something we will be doing another day but time is running out. I appreciate your comments about visiting my Mum. Right now my thoughts are similar to the one used in your title. I hope you are having a calm day day today x
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Hiya, It’s good that you still have time to go. I woke up crying at 5 this morning and couldn’t stop for 3 hours. The day before I’d been posting the lyrics of songs onto the memorial page for mam. I was singing in my head, remembering being little and imagining mam being young and going out dancing. I could smell the candle from the chapel of rest and felt her presence. I even turned around and asked her if she was there. A moment of clarity through the pain and she came to me. Just cannot believe she is gone and not out Christmas shopping. It feels as though I would be disrespecting her passing if I just cracked on with Christmas, like she didn’t matter. I don’t have children like my sisters do so don’t have to force myself to do any of it. It’s really freaking my out and I start crying when I start explaining that I can’t do Christmas. I was doing well helping my sister shop for her presents for the children and then became completely heartbroken again as if I was reacting to the news for the first time. It keeps hitting me like a train and I completely fall apart each time. Seeing my lovely therapist tomorrow. All I do is cry, explaining how guilty I feel because I didn’t hug her or kiss her or tell her how deeply I love her. I just don’t know how to be without her. It would be so much easier to not wake up but I couldn’t inflict this on my family. Wish I’d never been born but then I wouldn’t have known her and she is such a lovely lady. It’s so unfair.
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Hi Christine I totally understand how you feel I too Don’t want to do Christmas this year after losing my dear mum in July this year, I miss her so much 
I feel guilty all the time it’s one of those emotions that won’t leave me, I wish I had told her more just how much I loved her I feel I shouldn’t be celebrating anything because mum’s not here to enjoy it too, my youngest daughter who still lives at home has been so supportive but I feel I’m letting her down too, my dad is still with us so it his first Christmas in 67 years of marriage to be without mum , life is so cruel it never can prepare you for such a great loss , I can’t accept she’s gone yet and I don’t know if and when I will, your totally right that to not wake up would be so much easier to stop the pain but I too couldn’t do that to my family and I know mum wouldn’t want that either, but it’s so hard to get through some days, messaging on here helps to know were here for each other
Take care
Lynn xx
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Hello again Christine.
Just wondering how you are feeling right now? Yesterday I too became overwhelmed and in the moment extremely anxious, tearful and frightened. I rang 111 and got hold of the mental health team for my area. I know it can’t solve anything but for that moment not having to hold stuff in and talking helped. Glad you have a therapist, she’ll be a much welcomed lifeline for you I imagine. I took your advice yesterday and today we saw my Mum. It was when you said I would regret it if I was not able to go, and seeing your words written down in black and white gave me the courage to do it. So thankyou. I think we are all trying to cope with regret aren’t we so I couldn’t manage with adding some more when it was something I could still do something about. Today I went to see Mum and the Vicar. I managed both but do you know what got me?, seeing all the Christmas lights on people’s houses and in shop windows. Isn’t it strange what affects people. I’m in my 50’s and a widow and I’m the only one of 3 siblings to not have children so thankfully can retreat from Xmas obligations
Sorry you felt so bad after taking your Sister to the shops. It was a big achievement, outside of your comfort zone right now, but you faced it and next time it may not be as scary. Hope you are engrossed in the memory tree. Some time distracted helps. Keep going Christine, I’m always here for chats as we all are. x
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Well done for going! Proud of you because I know what it takes to get there. It’s not being able to do stuff that I remember and regret. That’s why I had to force myself to go to the church service and crem. I could barely stand up I was in such a state and couldn’t see for crying. But I knew I would regret that for the rest of my life. My therapist does help me to see an objective point of view but I simply cannot do Christmas. It feels like I wouldn’t care enough about mam if I got immersed in lights and decs and pressies and it wears me out just writing it down. But I got a lovely xmas tree today for the garden. My sisters children helped. We lit candles for my mam and fed the birds and we’ll make fleece angels tomorrow (weatherproof) and memory tags. So pleased I achieved that one thing. I’ll collect a dinner from my sister on xmas day just so I have something to eat because I can’t be bothered to shop for food. We brought burger and chips in today. I don’t usually eat junk food. I have no reason to do xmas and will just watch tv and sleep hopefully. Will you be lighting a candle at 7 on xmas eve (see the posting). I think it’s a lovely idea. See you there. I’ll post pics of my tree when we do it. Much love xxx
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I just keep thinking she’s not around, out at the shops, that I haven’t spoken to her for a while and must ring her to catch up. It’s a real feeling in the moment and then it hits again. I’m so broken I don’t know how I will ever recover. I’m not being dramatic, that is how I feel. Whatever it is inside of us that gets us through the day in an engaged state of mind has left me and I don’t want it back because I don’t want to move on and leave mam behind just because she’s not here. I don’t have children and live alone so I have no obligations, can sit and think of her and cry and talk to her. I’m so exhausted because I’m not sleeping. I’m like a robot. Why does nobody tell us how horrific this is? I got my xmas tree today for the garden and will start on my memory tags and thoughts for mam. It’s the one thing I wanted to do for her to replace xmas. I will be 4 weeks tomorrow that she left us. I just don’t understand what has happened or why and I feel like a child. But I will light a candle at 7 on xmas eve (see post) to join everyone else who cannot bear what is happening to them. And I’ll post a pic of my memory tree to inspire others. I’m sure it will make me cry in the garden but I don’t care about anything other than my mam. Take care and keep posting. It helps me too xxx
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I am so looking forward to seeing your memory tree and would love to hear a bit more about your mum when you feel up to it.
It’s 2 weeks today since I lost my mum and I have no/little family nearby and it was only me and mum for decades so can empathise greatly as the loneliness is all encompassing.
I too will be lighting a candle at 7pm and will have everyone in my thoughts.
Take every small step forward as a win and be kind to yourself.
As I said looking forward to seeing your tree x
Suzanne
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Hi Suzanne, Lovely to meet you. It’s like being in a new club isn’t it. Not one we would have ever imagined could have existed before. It’s 4 weeks tomorrow for my mam. The memory tree is in place of Christmas because anything to do with it just freaks me out. My sisters need to do it because they have children and grand children but I don’t and so I have the freedom to not do any of it. I don’t want to dilute my grief. I can’t pretend I’m not devastated. I’m blind now to the lights and tat that people display. I loved Christmas before with all the activities, the shopping and ice skating. It makes me cry to think of mam preparing her turkey and making the cranberry sauce. There is simply no Christmas without her. So I will make my memory tags and help my nephew with his fleece angels tomorrow and take pics to post. And I’ll join everyone at 7 to celebrate those we adore and cannot bear to be without. I just keep thinking I haven’t spoken to mam for a while and need to ring her to catch up, tell her about my tree. It’s such a torture. x
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Hi Christine.
I think there are a few of us here wanting to see the lovely tree project you are doing. I’m in awe of you for having the motivation to start new projects and see them through. Motivation and incentive doesn’t come easy in bereavement.
Had to go to some appointments today and it just seems like being stuck between two universes. There are Xmas lights on people’s houses and in shop windows and Xmas funfairs but it’s like it’s someone else’s world and not mine. I had the same feeling when I lost my Husband and in time you get some of your bearings back but that’s the key sadly, Time. Well, I’m a not much of a help to anyone in my depressive state am I so I’ll sign off. I hope you have some stillness of mind. x
It’s only because the memory tree is for mam that I’m doing it. And for the family, to add all of their thoughts. I’m e-mailing it all to my sister and she’ll laminate it for future trees. A new tradition. I’ll make fleece angels with my nephew. I just don’t know what else to do. I can’t let her go. It really does feel like I’m not part of this world, or at least the one I’ve known until now. I don’t want to do things because she’s not here and everything reminds me of her absence. I am absolutely heartbroken, like I’ve shattered into a million bits and can’t be repaired. Can’t imagine time will put me back together again. Whatever I do now is for her. I didn’t know my life before was perfect because she was in it. See you at 7 xmas eve for the candle x
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Definitely a club that we never envisioned being in but it is some comfort that we are all here for each other.
My mum loved Xmas and everywhere I look it’s snowmen, nut crackers etc and like you I don’t have children but I’m fortunate that my friends and what family I have are understanding and have all given me open invites with no pressure.
I am pleased that you have found the strength to do your memory tree as it’s just such a lovely idea and I hope that thinking about the memories will bring some joy even if at this moment in time it may be short lived.
I have started keeping a journal where I write everything down that I would normally tell her and I have found comfort in that because I know she is still about.
Take care of yourself and keep posting x
I’ve found that writing here, sharing and hopefully helping others in some way will allow me to explore my grief and move through it. Not to leave my mam behind. I can’t imagine not feeling broken forever. But maybe I can find a place in which to exist alongside her in my sadness. I was devastated when I couldn’t visit her anymore at the chapel of rest. I stood for 2 hours, for 3 days, holding her hand and crying, telling her how much I love her and how guilty I feel about my panic attacks making life stressful for her. I cannot imagine anything worse than this.
I’m not celebrating Christmas at all. I’m doing my memory tree for mam in the garden. I’ll light candles for her. I’ll do the online midnight mass because she would have enjoyed that. I want to create a space in which I can feel close to her. I’ll make it up to my sisters children at a later date. I can’t even buy presents for them. I’ve never felt so incapacitated. But doing the memory tree will be something my mam would be pleased about. And I’m hoping she will visit me xxx
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Christine you have definitely helped me with your posts. You have perseverance and strength of character. x
Hello Christine just dropping by to see if you are OK? Obviously not “ok” but you know what I mean. x