Hi Suzanne,
It’s just so bloody hard! I’ve been looking through pics of my textile work just for something methodical to do to fill in the day, like a robot. It works in so far as getting me to the evening, having done hours of transferring files of work. Boring but I’d rather that than balling my eyes out. But just because I’ve managed today doesn’t mean I’ll be able to do it again tomorrow, though I will try. Thought I’d lost all my work so relieved that it’s still there. I’m tired and boggle eyed but glad I actually achieved something today. I even made a todo list. I think posting here and getting replies really does make a difference. Good to get the emotion out, get a response, think it over and really makes a difference to me to connect with kind people who are ‘in the same (horrible!) boat’ .
I’ve put the drama with Simon on hold until I hear back from the funeral service. Just hope they will deal with me directly and that I won’t have to go through him. Still don’t get it. Just like your holiday friend. Why would she cancel last minute? Have you asked her directly why? I would. And check that your ticket isn’t transferable to another person because I had that happen to me years ago (my cousin) and demanded payment before the holiday. Maybe certain people see grief as vulnerability and try to take advantage. Cannot even imagine what they must get out of it though. Could you get someone else to go, even if they aren’t a close mate? A change of scenery could be good, though I certainly wouldn’t be capable of following my own advice. I’d still be inconsolable lying on a lovely beach somewhere. I’ve been stuck in my bedroom most of the time.
Mam feels so far away now that I’ve been productive. It feels like I’ve left her behind by being able to focus on something other than her. Feel guilty again, like I mustn’t love her enough if I can concentrate on work. I’d give everything I am just to be able to hug her and talk to her. And there we have it - didn’t take long to start crying again. It seems to be a natural state for me to be in now. I’m always crying, waiting to cry, exhausted from crying, wondering why I can’t just keep crying. I don’t care if I’m crying in the street or my neighbours can hear me at night (especially last night over the fireworks). And through it all I see my lovely mam and miss you beyond what I could have imagined. It’s so unfair. I still don’t want to wake up. I feel dead when I do wake. That feeling of ‘not again’, to have to get through another day without her. I wish we’d talked about this happening. I never took her seriously when she said the paperwork was under the pillow every time she went on holiday. If I could have her back I’d see her every day. The normal stuff is like treasure now, being in the garden, sorting out a cupboard, helping in the kitchen. I miss the mam she was in the old house, before they couldn’t manage and had to move to where they are now. So much love. I can’t bear thinking of happy things because it makes the pain even more unbearable. I just don’t understand how this is really happening. I have flashbacks of her purple fingers holding my little buddha in the chapel of rest. At least then I could talk to her. She didn’t look like herself but she started to through the tears. I don’t even know if she’s been cremated yet because we haven’t been to collect her ashes. I don’t like to think o f her waiting somewhere to be burned. I want to crawl into her coffin and go to sleep cuddling into her. I wonder if anyone has actually tried that. Sorry, I have to go. I thought I’d done well today but I was just on pause. I’d rather not have existed at all than go through this. It is absolutely heartbreaking, over and over again. x
Hi Christine,
Take every small step forward as a positive thing and it doesn’t mean you are taking any steps away from your mum…,I’m trying to see it as step to honour our live.
I’ve spent a lot of time crying today too but will see what tomorrow brings.
I’ve spoken to my friend about the holiday and I know for a fact that she’s not taking advantage of my grief as she was so close to my mum too that she even called her ‘mum’ for over 20 years…I think there’s more to it so will see what happens.
If you ever want to talk feel free as always willing to listen even if I can’t offer any practical advice…I can listen.
Take care and don’t be too hard on yourself x
Hiya,
Thank you. I’m so upset. Just been on the tribute site to add a candle and it’s been changed and I can’t even log in now. This has happened after I texted Simon saying I was contacting the site. So upset.
Hello again Christine.
I think I just saw something about a candle you wanted to light and you’ve been having problems. Is it something Simon has done or a website problem. Sometimes websites can be absolutely infuriating when log in details fail. I can see why you’d be upset about it all. How are you now and has there been any progress?
My niece gave me one of those adult colouring books for Christmas so late last night I tried it out. The trouble was, although relaxing in themselves, you tend to think more as you are colouring. I noticed as my mind was racing so was the speed of the colouring in!
I did get to the Churchyard after all. It was evening so dark and we had a torch. Goodness knows what people must have thought. We took a flower and thought we’d press it and maybe laminate it. Not sure if it’s even possible as it was a carnation we took and they are fairly thick. Even then it didn’t seem real. It didn’t feel as if it was Mum we were visiting. It’s strange but Mum had been laying tributes on this grave all our lives as her parents are there. And never once did it occur to me why there was a space underneath the parents names. That it was for Mum. It made me and my brother upset that she would be sad that we couldn’t go there as well when our time came. But we did the kindest thing we could at the time and its nice and tranquil but with also activity so she’ll not be lonely. I know that sounds a bit silly but you hold on to what gives you some comfort don’t you.
You did well with the photos, they always have the possibility to bring on the tears and upset, maybe that’s why you felt all that extradistress yesterday.
I seem to have no grounding with times or dates and if anyone had asked me what year it was yesterday I’d have been unable to answer. Days don’t even seem to have names. I haven’t been to any shops since it happened on the 9th December. When I lost my Husband it was 6months before I went out alone, it’s so easy to feel fearful and vulnerable and it doesn’t take long to get in that state.
When I lost my Husband they kept saying I should be on antidepressants and I must have a fair few boxes but I could never bring myself to use them. I’m not against them at all, just very scared. Who knows, it may get to that.
I hope things aren’t too stressful today and you get some rest. Are you ok with routine’s? I just seem to eat bits here and there. Anyway, I hope you get to do some things you want to today
Sorry I’ve gone on a bit. x
Hello,
I lit a virtual candle for mam on her tribute site and realised that the layout had been edited since Simon told me he had been locked out of it. It’s like he’s edited deliberately to let me know that he hasn’t been locked out and he’s just not giving me the password. I wish I’d never touched it. I spent hours photographing and researching to add the content from the church and crem services. My sister is now annoyed that there is no space left for everyone else to add stuff. None of this is for me. I said I would pay for extra space but now I just want to delete everything I’ve done and just not speak to him ever again. I do not understand why he would be this cruel.
I’m so pleased you went to visit your mam. That is heartbreaking, realising the space left was for your mam. You can have your ashes sprinkled there too to be with her but do it in secret so you don’t have to pay. The pressed, laminated flower is a lovely idea. A thought my sister had was to plant spring bulbs in the grave and plants around the area so they will flower every year. We never think our mams will ever leave us. I wish I could visit her grave but it is in South Shields and I am in London. My sister will visit and phone me so I can chat to mam and I gave her my buddha light to put on while she’s there. I took it to the chapel of rest while I chatted to her. I wish mam had talked to me before she was ill about her not being here. I miss her so much. It still doesn’t seem real. I think the more you visit your mam the more it will become a real place and in time I hope will be of comfort. You could take a flask of tea to make it more natural and hopefully you can make it a regular thing. I chat out loud to mam, updating her with what is going on, especially when I’m driving. But of course I end up in floods of tears. I think visiting a place of rest, wherever that is, is a lovely thing to do. It allows you to be close to her physically and provides a private place in which to express whatever you are feeling. I even considered moving up north just so I could visit her every week. That is how desperate I feel to be near her. And it’s not silly knowing that she won’t be lonely where she is. I keep seeing mam in a fridge because she hasn’t been cremated yet. I wonder if she is more purple than she was before. I hope the little buddha is still keeping her company. I wish I could still visit her, even though she didn’t look like herself.
I visited my sister today because they are covid free and had a panic attack telling her about the site situation and had to leave. She chats to Simon and will not hear anything said against him. So I’m back to being totally alone again. My other sister is with Simon and so I have to be very careful what I say and she wouldn’t believe me anyway. It feels like I’m fighting the world and nobody is believing me. She is my mam and I just wanted to do a good job for her and everyone who couldn’t go to the service. Nobody can access the site because Simon still has the pamphlets in his car with the details. He isn’t even paying for the site, it’s free for a limited amount of space (don’t know why I wasn’t told about that) .
As for knowing what day it is I couldn’t tell you. It’s all a blur. I am just so upset about the tribute site. It’s because I know what he is doing but can’t prove it. He’s playing games and I have no power or control. He behaves like this to my sister. It’s mental abuse.
My sister keeps telling me that I need to have anti depressants like she has to get through the grief but I refuse to dilute my feelings. My mam has died. I am entitled to be upset. I can scream my head off if that’s how I feel. She isn’t allowed to express her emotion and had to go for a walk so she could cry. That is how controlling he is. She isn’t allowed to be upset in her own house.
Can I just say that I encourage you to ‘go on’ as much as it helps you. I certainly do! It helps me to get through the emotion when it builds up. I cry and then I’m like a zombie. I have little appetite and to get dressed is an achievement, especially before lunchtime. I do feel better with routines of dishes, making the bed etc. I can’t live in mess and the more dishes accumulate the more I feel like I am drowning. Going through the motions is hard to get started but worthwhile.
I do encourage you to go outside for a walk or to sit in the garden (it’s never stopped raining here) whenever you can. Not to talk to anyone but just to create a space in which to be away from yourself. I find it extremely hard to go outside alone because I am agoraphobic and have panic attacks due to PTSD. But when I do go outside it creates a balance and a sense of achievement. Mam understood all of it which is why it is extra hard not having her here to chat to. But this is helping me and I hope it helps you too. Keep posting. and I’ll always get back to you. I couldn’t reply at first because I was so distraught but I’ve got the hang of it now and find it comforting, like chatting to a friend.
Take care and try a little walk here and there, somewhere close by. xxx
I used to get ] those colouring books for mam and she loved them. Might get some for myself, just so I can feel close to her. x