Had a good day with my niece and nephew while my sister did her xmas food shopping. Started the tags for the memory tree. My 8 year old nephew wrote the tags and I’ll tie them onto the tree tomorrow and take pics to post. Had nibbles and tv and all was going well until I suddenly got a flashback to mam gasping her last breath, dieing in front of me. Came from nowhere and I got a real shock and obviously had to hide it. It’s really bizarre. I felt guilty because I laughed at something and then couldn’t stop thinking of mam inside my head while trying to act normal. I still can’t believe she’s not here. She left me 4 weeks today. It feels like a lifetime ago because it’s such a fog but then I’m back in the hospital with her again. I can’t believe she’s not here. Why did she have to leave? It was so quick. I feel so abandoned and alone without her. I keep remembering to call her and tell her about my memory tree. She would love it. But then I realise it’s because she’s not here that I’m doing it. This is so hard. It feels like I just don’t have the energy to keep doing it. Just want to talk to her, ring her up and leave messages but can’t do that because my dad would be so upset and angry. I’m so unable to focus on anything that I couldn’t even put a dress on and got changed about four times in order to leave the house. Just can’t focus or be bothered to even try at times. It just doesn’t mean anything without her here. But I’ll do the tree tomorrow and post to everyone and it’s like filling in time. What else can I do? I’m so tired. x
Hello again Christine
Thankyou very much for your reply. I meant to respond much earlier but I seem to have become engulfed in a black sadness cloud and retreating seems to be my most comfortable (or least worst) way of surviving. I got to see your Memory Tree. That was a lovely touch and it looks so pure. I hope you’ve had a bit of stillness of mind for just a moment or two over the last week, just enough to let your mind have a little rest. x
I totally understand you ‘sadness cloud’. Don’t know how I got through Christmas on my own. I was going to spend Boxing Day with my sister and her children but couldn’t because one of them had covid and are isolating (they’re ok). I couldn’t do any of Christmas (decs, food, treats, pressies etc). I’m just so heartbroken that mam isn’t here to enjoy it. Had to take a sleeping tablet at 2 this morning just to switch off because I couldn’t stop crying for my mam. Had to put her picture away in a drawer because I’m so upset. I’m so lost without her. I just want her back. If I could have told her how much I love her and how devastated I am at her not being here I would have some closure. When the hospital let me visit she was on morphine and not awake very much but she did tell me she loved me and I was able to tell her too (just not sure how aware she was). I just want my mam x
I know how you (and everyone here) feels as tomorrow would have been my mums birthday and I just can’t get my head round that instead of celebrating with her it’s just a reminder of it’s 3 weeks since she left me x
I went back to work yesterday and keep professional but as soon as I’m in my car heading home I break down. I am exhausted with lying to myself and others.
I am so sorry to hear that you seem not to be getting any peace or respite however brief from your grief.
Your memory tree was an inspiration and thank you for sharing.
Take care of yourself and keep posting and knowing we are here for you x
Hello Christine
You are in my thoughts, because I’m troubled greatly too by the same things you explain. I can understand how painful it is. I’d written two long replies but deleted each as neither sounded “right.”
As well as with Mum, I had a similar experience with my Husband. He’d been discharged from hospital for End of Life care at home with a couple of weeks to live. I was going to use those “weeks” to say how much I appreciated and loved him but he passed away on the same evening - so I missed my “chance”. That was 5 years ago and devastated me for a long time as I wished I’d said those things sooner. It’s still sad and it’s still the regret of a missed chance but the intensity of those sharp, jagged edges has somewhat lessened.
Maybe it might not be “closure” as such that we are searching for, maybe it’s the ability to find a little peace/resolution. Maybe grieving never reaches “closure”, Maybe we’d be upset if it did
That’s not to say we should suffer in silence if we are struggling to come to terms with these thoughts. They often have a nasty habit of over-staying their welcome and need showing the door, maybe your counsellor could help. It would probably be beneficial if I thought about counselling too.
In the meantime I hope the thoughts give you a little rest and you can get a bit of a sleep. Same goes for me it’s 1am!
Take care.
My mams birthday is in January. She would have been 80 and we were going to have a family party to celebrate. She left us 25 November. I feel so far away from her. I can’t imagine how you get through your work day. I 'm so sorry about your mam. I thought mine would last forever and just didn’t see how ill she was. The GP said she’d get over the other thing and so that was my focus. We just didn’t know she had cancer. And it was so quick - a week in the hospital. I just feel lost, like a child. When I’m not crying I’m numb or robotic. I can’t imagine not feeling like this. It is exhausting but I also don’t want to move on and leave her behind. It feels like a betrayal, that I musn’t love her enough if I can get over the pain of her not being here. I miss her so much, keep wanting to ring her and tell her things and then it hits me again that she’s not here and never will be. I didn’t keep her last message on my phone. I didn’t know I needed to. I’m so heartbroken. And I know she wouldn’t want me to be upset like this but I can’t turn it off. I’m absolutely devastated. xxx
I don’t think I got any sleep at all last night. I’m so very tired of living in this bubble but can’t imagine not. I feel guilty because the last time I saw mam I was frustrated because she wouldn’t take the medication and milkshake the GP said would get her better. We didn’t know she couldn’t eat because she had cancer. I was so shocked she’d lost so much weight. I wish I’d just stopped and told her how much I loved her because I don’t say it in real life. She’s the most important person to me. I can’t even explain the bond we have. I’m still referring to her in the present tense. I can’t imagine how you must feel to have had that time taken away from you, your chance to say everything. Mam went into hospital as a routine and just didn’t come back out again. By the time I got to see her because of covid restrictions she was on morphine and not able to really talk much but did tell me she loved me and I was able to say it too but not sure if she was conscious. I just wish I’d been less focused on myself in life and gave more attention to her. I was always very stressed because of my anxiety and panic. I feel so guilty that she would be stressed because I was. I wish I’d been able to just sit down quietly and chat. I was always focused on doing things they needed doing, like the garden or changing the bed. It was my way of helping because there’s a sense of achievement there but I always came home thinking I hadn’t really seen them or talked to them. None of the things I did mean anything now. I feel like the time I spent with mam was wasted because I didn’t tell her how loved she was. And now it’s too late. I just miss her so very much. x
Oh @christine51…I could have written your post myself as you nailed everything that I am feeling right now 
I am only able to work as I am lucky enough to have a team that are looking after me and as most of them knew mum themselves they have their own sadness I suppose.
It’s the missing calling or visiting them just for random nonsense I miss most like yourself and feel that no one understands me in the way she did.
And like you said it is so exhausting yet can’t sleep or switch off.
Keep posting and supporting each other xx
Thank you. I jusr can’t accept she’s not there at home with dad, doing whatever they do to fill their days. I called her everyday to chat or tell her my news or whatever I was doing in the garden etc. I feel so alone even though I have my sisters, their grown up children and dad. Mam was my world. I just wish I’d told her that. You’re lucky that your colleagues knew your mam and are supportive. My sister went back to work today and she was dreading it because she’s sure that is when the grief will hit her hard. I’ll ring her later. I’m an artist and work from home but the thought of even getting work out to look at isn’t something I can do. That would be like a choice of moving on from mam, going back to normal. Everything just stopped when she went into hospital in Nov. It will be 5 weeks tomorrow that she left me. It doesn’t seem real. It seems like such a long time ago, like I’m in a fog but the devastation is as raw as it was when it first happened. Nothing can be worse than this. I feel so hollow. I had to put her picture away because I couldn’t get into bed without breaking my heart. I just want her to come back. I’d do anything, give everything that I am. I know that’s not going to happen and I can’t change anything. I just can’t bear to be without her. x
Hi Christine 51
Everything you explain about your feelings towards your mum, how you miss her, feeling guilty about doing anything, trying to move on, wishing you had told her how much she meant to you etc is the mirror image of how I’m feeling and I guess not coping with losing my mum, even though it’s been just over 5 months since we lost her I still feel the same, have the same struggles with the raw emotions, I went to the cemetery today and I still find it hard to accept she has gone, no one can prepare you for all this can they 
it’s comforting to chat on here to people that are going through the same & to know were not alone, I hope your day as been ok, j was told to just take a day at a time which I’m trying to do, take care
Lynn x
If this is it now, an intense state of longing and loss, then what is the point in achieving anything from now on? I’m just filling in time. Is that what life from now on? Living in the moment and hoping for some relief from the sadness and then feeling guilty when I’m not consumed by grief? I can’t accept that I’ll never see her again or talk to her. We haven’t had her ashes back yet. I was going to create a corner in the garden for her so I can sit and visit her everyday but she won’t be there. I will find no comfort in talking to her because she wont talk back to me. I think it must be easier to go through life never being loved or having any connection with another person. I feel so hollow without her. I wonder if she really knew how much she was loved. Or whether I’m now obsessed with loving her because I know I can’t anymore. I’m sorry for all the people who have lost their loved ones. It’s heartbreaking. My mam never talked about losing her mam when I little. I suppose life takes over when you have children. But I don’t. I live alone and have all the time in the world to miss my mam. I just can’t do anything else. x
Hello Christine.
I thought I’d see how you were doing. We had Mums service this morning. I can’t remember much. It was a bit like watching it happen to someone else. Like a bad soap opera. I expected to be scared of some things but when we stopped outside our family home for several seconds en route to the Churchyard that really was a colossal impact and I started to cry. We had a lovely female reverend which helped, but I don’t remember much. Yesterday, my subconscious mind played tricks on me and I felt lighter as it felt today was when I’d be bringing Mum home from Hospital. Just cruel tricks of the mind.
I think when we lose someone we lose a bit of our innocence. Everything feels jaded and not as significant. I was telling the Vicar that I’m not a young person and I should feel privileged to have had a Mum at my age and I do. But she said it’s also like a double edge sword as we’ve built up a relationship spanning all our infant, child, teen, adult and in my case middle age years. Mum lost her Mum in her 30s and rarely mentioned her Mum. She’s lived without her for 50years. That’s not even something I can comprehend.
I had a crafts hobby and made somethings that Mum would like but I don’t think I could make them again. We just want the approval of Mum I think, it’s hard Christine isn’t it. When I lost my Husband my Mum was my emotional shelter,
I know it will get harder now. Filling in time is like how you put it, like “waiting”, but you don’t really know what for.
At the moment I can hear the NYE fireworks going off. It will be the first NYE without Mum in 56 years.
Sorry I haven’t lifted your spirits Christine, but I also know that sometimes we really don’t want our spirits lifting we just want to be acknowledged in our feelings.
Take care for tonight, I imagine you’ll be with your Sister and family. Love to all who are trying to cope x
Hi Tina,
It’s lovely to hear from you. You did well today with the service. A lot of people say it’s foggy trying to remember the details. I could barely stand up and sat in the doorway of the church. I miss going to the chapel to see mam. I keep having flash backs of her purple fingers holding the little buddha. I drove over to check on their house today (my dad is up north staying with one sister) but had to turn back because of a flooded road. I’d been trying to go for days and couldn’t. I knew how upset I’d be to walk in and know she’ll never be there. I’ve been alone throughout xmas and tonight because my nephew has covid (he’s ok). Just had a fight with my other sister because she cannot accept that I have no space in my head for anything other than mam. I keep telling her but she’s angry that I cannot listen to her being angry about her situation (nothing to do with mam). I just had to go. Also, I have been asking for the password to go into the tribute site in order to edit and title pictures of mam I’d added to create a collection of albums from the service for people to see who couldn’t attend. My sister’s husband just won’t give me the password. I don’t understand why. I’m doing all the work and just want to finish it. It’s for my mam. It’s the only thing left that I can do for her. I’ve been asking since I started loading the images. It was something to focus on tonight but I can’t do it without the password. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I haven’t got the energy to fight with my sister or hear her anger. I have no room for anything. I was doing ok until tonight. I don’t like New Year anyway and was just going to let it pass by without a fuss. Now I’m drowning again. Someone helped me to visualise mam’s love tucked inside my heart and that really helped me to carry her with me on my journey today. I’ve just fallen apart again. My sister said that she listens to me talk about mam and finds that hard but that she isn’t able to talk about her stuff. She is so angry and I just cannot hear it. She said she was bored and my reaction is I am consumed by mam and I would give anything to not feel anything for even a second. She doesn’t appear to be grieving because of her anger. I have no conversation if I cannot talk about mam. I am barely able to get dressed. Doing the dishes is an achievement. I’m better than I was since the funeral but I just can’t turn it off. I’m absolutely broken, shattered. I can’t imagine not being. I can’t imagine taking pleasure in anything again. I’m so sorry Tina. I wasn’t like this when I first read your message. The phone call happened before my reply. It makes me realise how fragile I actually am. Sorry, I should be comforting you after your day. Sending you love xxx We are lucky though to have had our mams for this long. I’m 51 and mam will be 80 in Jan. We were having a big party to celebrate. I can’t do this without her xxx
Hiya Christine
Peaceful New Year to you.
I noticed you’d said sorry in your post Christine, absolutely no need.
I’m another in need of a sleeping tablet I think.
I’m really sorry your brother-in-law is being a pain to you. Sometimes it just feels like you have to fight everyone. I remember thinking many a time, very recently even that it’s only my Mum that’s holding us three siblings together, and when the worst happens, which it did, we’d end up having a massive fall out. It’s really hard trying to stop tensions between my siblings at the minute and when adults fall out permanent rifts are never far behind.
Are you feeling a bit more relaxed than before? You sounded really upset.
Did the older sister that’s angry get on well with your Mum? Sometimes anger is a cover for other emotions but that doesn’t make it fair on you.
It feels like all this is happening to someone else for me. A bit like I’m leading another persons life and my life is just waiting for me to go back to it. It’s hard to explain isn’t it.
I know it’s hard though when you are just talking in your head to your Mum and not out loud. You start to feel cut off when you just want to keep Mm in your everyday reality.
Well here’s hoping tomorrow will have a bit of kindness in it. (Failing that you could always wait til your brother in law gives you the website password then change it!). With-holding it as he has isn’t the charitable thing to do, it’s a bad situation for you.
Bye for now x
Hi, It does feel like my old self and life has been left behind and I’m not able to join the world again. I have no room for anything but mam. I was so upset last night because I realised she’s not there to a wish Happy New Year to. Nobody phoned me. I texted everyone eventually and got texts back. I feel totally alone in the world. I can’t understand why Simon won’t give me the password to finish the tribute for mam. I don’t understand why anyone would do that. I just want to finish it. He wouldn’t have done it if mam was here. Dad doesn’t know what is going on and my sister is full of excuses and that there is no rush to do the site. But it’s important to me. I didn’t want to wake up this morning. I am so empty. x
Hi Christine.
Is your brother in law normally a difficult person? At the very least he/they are denying you the chance of comfort in something that may help you cope. If they don’t feel up to it for any reason that’s ok, but to deny the choice to you to carry on for both your Mum and you is unkind. I imagine you’d rather not bother your Dad with the extra anxiety. Your brother in law may have a change of heart today. It’s possible and I hope he does. All you can do is explain that you don’t want anyone to feel pressured to help but it would aid your mental health if you did something creative for Mum. If he is merciless, you could always set up something similar “in the meantime” so you have some comfort.
Waking in the morning is quite an ordeal isn’t it. If you even sleep for just 1hour it’s still all “new” when you wake up. I was saying it to my Sister today and she said “at least Mum’s not suffering now”. I didn’t find any comfort in that myself, maybe she does and I didn’t want to take that from her so I just said nothing at all. I feel just so detached.
I hope by now he’s had a change of heart and you are working on your tribute as we speak. x
I confronted him by text, asking why he will not give me the password. It’s another load of excuses, that he changed the password (why would he do that? He’s not even added anything to the site) and that he has been locked out and has contacted the site for them to give him a new password for him to forward on to me. I’ve already contacted the site so I can deal directly with them. He is very controlling, doesn’t treat my sister well (although she would deny it) but I didn’t expect him to do this, given the circumstances. I’m very angry and also extremely upset. Don’t know what he is getting out of doing that to me. Just glad I’m not married to him. I hope the site will give me access directly. I might even phone them to explain that he won’t hand over the password. What a ridiculous situation this is?! I really want to get the site finished for everyone who couldn’t attend the services. It’s the ‘official’ site from the pamphlet so to start another one would mean contacting everyone and I don’t have their details. Also, there’s the donation attached set up in mam’s name, rather than flowers. People who attended donated and I just discovered that Simon still has that in his car boot. And all the extra pamphlets to give to people in order to access the site. It lists the service and I added all the hymns, prayers, tributes from family, the lyrics to the songs. Dad is unaware of what is happening.
I was so very upset last night. It was as if she had just died all over again. I am absolutely destroyed and can’t understand why nobody else is around me. My sister said she was bored the other day. I just don’t understand why I am the only one reacting. Why am I the only one on this rollercoaster?
Going to sleep is the worst for me. I feel so lost without her here and talking to her doesn’t help because she’s still not here and never will be. I noticed my pansies are flowered because of the warm weather. I thought I’ll phone mam and tell her. I was going to ring her last night to wish her a happy new year and then realised how upset dad would be to discover that message. He thought I had ‘lost it’ when she passed and I continued talking to her and stroking her hair. He has no tolerance for my sadness (to put it mildly). He just wants to move on now the funeral is over with. It’s like I’m the broken one in the family. Both sisters have said I was mams favourite and that annoys them. Maybe I just needed to be loved more. Maybe that’s why I feel shattered into tiny pieces and can barely function 5 weeks after she left me. Sometimes I cry and there are no tears left. I don’t cry in real life. I usually get frustrated and angry but not upset. This is so overwhelming. I just can’t switch it off and don’t want to move on without mam. I can’t leave her. I love her too much and wish I had told her how deeply she was loved.
Hello Christine.
I understand now about it being an “official” website tied into the service. I hadn’t realised that before. Did he originally set it up or you. It sounds such a painful situation.
I understand that it’s still bothering you about not telling your Mam that you loved her deeply. I am the same but one thing we can remember is that Love isn’t always about words or big gestures it’s the tiniest things you have done. I can’t accept my own advice so I’m a right one to talk but even if we did some stuff wrong or not as well as we’d have liked or not said enough we can remember all the good and kind things we did manage to get right. You’ll have loads of good things. Struggling myself with the feelings of I’ll just tell her this or that. It’s a hard realisation isn’t it. I thought I could have gone seen Mum at the Churchyard today but didn’t go as it wouldn’t have felt right to go without my brother. However, he’d already made arrangements to go to beach and so I’ve missed my opportunity. Sometimes there’s just no working other people’s minds out, especially family members.
Nothing looks or feels the same. It doesn’t stop. I hadn’t been working so don’t have the stress of worrying about having to cope in that respect. I don’t know how people can manage all that
Well hope you feel a bit less apprehensive than earlier in the day x
Hi Tina,
It does help to chat and get some perspective and comfort, reassuring me that I’m not being over sensitive or demanding. The funeral service set it up and Simon was the person given the link. He just took charge of sorting everything out. But I am the only person to have posted to the tribute site. I had photographed the selected old slides from the projector to wall images for the on screen tribute at the crem, rephotographed the 2 albums I created for the wake (having ploughed through boxes of photographs which was so very painful), added additional pics (including my memory tree). I researched and added the lyrics of songs played, hymns from the church service, speeches and poetry read at the church. I didn’t realise that I couldn’t go back into it to add titles and will have to delete additional pics so that the entire album can be added due to limited space. It is a lot of work but it’s for mam and it is the only productive thing I can do to contribute. Simon hasn’t done anything so I don’t understand what his problem is. Surely he’d be happy not to be involved given the work necessary to create the content. He didn’t have to change the password and is now saying that he’s locked out of it. I work with computers, created my websites (I’m an artist) so this site was a very simple platform to use. None of this makes any sense to me. I’m waiting until the funeral place is open again so I can speak to them directly to be given access.
Like you I’m so lucky not to have to go out to work. My sister works in an office and she was dreading getting back to ‘normality’ but she managed well with a couple of wobbles. I can’t imagine trying to turn my emotions off. I’m consumed by grief. If I get dressed it’s an achievement.
I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to visit your mam with your brother. I know it’s huge but could you go by yourself? I should think it will be comforting to have a place to visit her. We still haven’t had the ashes back but when we do mam wants to be buried with her parents in South Shields. Dad said we could all have a little bit of her in a small urn and make a section of the garden just for mam. But it’s not the same as going to a sacred place to visit, where you will have quiet and restful memories to take away. I don’t want to be watched by my neighbours while I’m sitting in the garden with mam. I suppose there are different ways of looking at it. Maybe your brother needed some freedom at the beach just to clear his head. You could ask him if it helped. You could plan a time to see your mam and talk about how much you are missing her. If I was with you I would very happily go with you. It depends on how he is coping himself I suppose. None of my family contacted me last night or today apart from replying to my happy new year texts. I am completely alone. I feel totally abandoned without mam. One sister is pretending to be ok and hiding her grief and the other is so angry about other stuff from the past that she isn’t grieving at all, adding that at least mam isn’t in pain. It leaves me speechless because I don’t want to fight. I don’t have the energy. I can barely get through a conversation if I’m not focused on mam.
I think I’ so frantic about wanting her to know I loved her because I’m so desperate to still have her here to love. There was no quarrel or anything that happened before she left. I always tried my best to fight my agoraphobia and anxiety in order to visit her. She understood how stressful that was for me but was obviously disappointed if I couldn’t leave the house. I just wish I hadn’t been the cause of stress for her. I wish I was able to skip through life and make her happy. She was happy. I realised just how happy when I was going through all the photos. She’s beaming in all of them. She was a very happy person. She made things special for all of us, celebrating birthdays and jubilees and bbqs. So many happy memories to choose from. But it makes me so upset when I think of her enjoying those times because she isn’t here to continue. I know she lives in all of us. We are her. The very essence of our being is mam. But I just miss her so much and cannot imagine life can exist without her present. I know people move on but it just seems impossible. But at least I know I was her favourite and cherish that special bond. Maybe every first born is a favourite. I will always be her little girl because I never really grew up. I didn’t want to. And with living alone I have no distractions of children or whatever. I can sit in my bedroom and think of her without anyone telling me I can’t. I realise now that I don’t have to feel guilty for anything I have or haven’t done. I just want her to have been happy and she was. I find life hard and just wanted hers to be perfect but that isn’t real life. Sorry, I’m a chatterbox when I get going. Posting here helps me to get the feelings out but also to make sense of them. I’ve gone from feeling totally desperate and not wanting to wake up to being really sad and not knowing how my life will ever move on from missing her and feeling so hollow. It’s like having my soul removed when she left me. I am in torment and cannot soothe the pain. This must be hell.
Sorry again for going on. Will you ask your brother again to visit your mam? And if not him then a friend? I thought I was close to one sister and realise she’s not the person I thought I knew. That’s why I feel so lost because I have no close bond with my family. My therapist is my best friend. How sad is that!
Let me know if you get to see your mam. I’ll be thinking of you. I had to summon up the courage yesterday to visit mam’s house to check it was ok while my dad was away up North but had to turn back because of a flooded road. The reason I was able to go was because of the thought that the worst thing that could happen to me has already happened - my mam is not here and never will be. So if my car breaks down or I crash then that’s ok. And if I die I will get to see her sooner than if I just stay in the house. I’m a very safe driver, never had an accident. But I’m welcoming death wherever I might find it, just so I can be with my mam.
xxx
I have been following your posts and it breaks my heart to hear how sad you are but also a lot of what you say resonates with me 
.
I lived with my mum and have no children and all the family I do have are either absent (don’t know where half of them are) or very distant that they seem to forget we are related.
I miss my mum with every fibre of my soul every second and like you I’ve had a few texts today but like everyone is so busy nursing their hangovers to care
To top it all off today a friend I consider a sister has now told me she doesn’t want to go on holiday in February that I was looking forward to so that’s money down the drain
I really hope you get this sorted with your brother in law as it seems he’s playing games for some reason and you don’t need that on top of everything else.
The thought that I’m meant to carry on living is just too much but I know my mum would be raging if I gave up so to honour her strength and love I’m trying my hardest.
Please keep posting and hopefully we can all keep supporting each other xx