i watch him die

Hello, 4 months ago I lost my partner, he was a healthy and young man, only 35 years old, he had an aneurysm, he died at home with me, while he was convulsing I practiced cpr and I saw him die in front of me, I miss him every moment, at At first I thought I was doing well, I had to move because I could not pay for the apartment, so I entertained myself with that, taking out his clothes was very hard because he wore ties and suits and they smelled like him, and now I moved and already calm and past the time, it has gotten worse, I have anxiety attacks, I cry a lot, I miss him too much, I lost the love of my life, my best friend, my partner, my family, my future and there are days that I feel that I can and others I cannot, but I always feel like I’m rowing without having a destination


I’m sorry you going through this, I can’t even imagine how hard it is on u to lose someone so close and seeing it too. From my own experience grief gets worse after a bit of time it happend as your brain is not really ready to accept what happend yet. I hope u find a direction u looking for that will help u heal. Thank you for sharing your story


Hello Natasha, I’m very sorry you have lost your partner, particularly as he was so young. You have had the additional stress of moving.
I am unable to advise on when you can expect things to improve as it is only eight weeks since I my wife died and I still feel very lost


Hi, Natasha. ‘Rowing without having a destination.’. How well put! It is like that at first. Anxiety so often follows loss. But so often we come to a bend in the river where we can see further ahead. Anxiety may well come, and is it surprising? Our lives have been almost destroyed by the trauma, because that is what it is, a life trauma. Four months is no time at all. The pain of losing someone so young can add to the burden of grief. Grief is a process we go through. Emotions will come and must be allowed to. There comes a time when we begin to accept what has happened, and it’s then the healing process can begin. But time can be an enemy as well as a friend.
After two years it is better for me. I have got into a routine that suits me, but I would not say I am happy. We can never forget. My wife and I had so many happy times together and there is still a big hole in my heart that may never be filled.
Take it easy, well, as easy as you can and give yourself more time. Very best wishes. John.


Having no destination rings with me, what does the future hold. I can’t see anything positive just isolated loneliness
diminiishing health misery

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I lost my husband almost 3 weeks ago. I am 40, it was a massive shock, we’d been for a walk on the day before his death, had a lovely evening with a drink together at home on the sofa.

the next morning I made coffee, we were both at computers I was wfh due to covid. I went to pour us another coffee and when I came back upstairs he had pains in his back and was going to run a bath. I ran the bath telling him to sit down but he started saying he couldn’t breathe… I rang 999, minutes later he is holding my hand as I’m receiving instructions from the operator. He told me he loves me and I said the same and he fell backwards. Operator instructed me to drag him off the bed onto floor and begin chest compressions to the beat 1234…1234 etc… I did it for a long time until paramedics finally arrived then I ran opened door and ran back up continuing until the first guy was ready to take over. Every compression I thought my body would give up as I got so tired and shaky but managed it somehow thinking he must surely be ok. they continued for 50 minutes and I was sitting on the floor at the bottom of the stairs listening… I feel so traumatised that I keep reliving these hours.

the police had to come take a statement as it was a sudden death. then someone in a black van to take my husband away late in the afternoon. I’d been distracting myself trying to fix the clock when they came and never finished that so the clock is stopped on the time my husband left the house for the last time.

I was afraid I’d left him to choke when doing my first aid as I wanted to wipe his mouth but the operator said don’t stop cpr for that. the first days afterwards when trying to sleep it was all I could think about.

later there was a post mortem that said it was heart attack caused by heart disease and at least that helped a bit as I really though I’d let him choke to death.

I am still having flashbacks about the day of death though. it didn’t look like my husband any more and it happened right next to where I am now.

I just can’t believe this is my life. three weeks ago I had such a beautiful life and I was grateful for it but how can this be how it goes and that I now know these things about what happens when you die because they happened here in the perfect bedroom he’d made for us that neither of us will ever sleep soundly in again.

Hi FleurDeLis
I just wanted to say how sorry I am to read about the recent and shocking loss of your husband. I havent lost a husband but both my parents and the story of your husband is exactly like that of my dad who died in bed aged 53, 22 years ago.
I watched helplessly as my mum tried to give CPR.
The ambulance crew declared him dead within a minute of getting to our house.
Afterwards like you, the Police went through the home, asked questions, took an account and a plain black van took my dad away.
I learnt 5 years later when I joined the emergency services that ambulances dont take dead people. They are only for the living.
Private ambulances for funeral directors take them. It was such a shock to me waiting with my dad until he could be collected.
Your mum and step dad will want to be with you and helping you. They wouldn’t want it any other way.
I hope the coming days and weeks go as well as they can in the circumstances. There are many on here who will be able to provide comfort to you that have also lost their husband or partner.
Cheryl x


Thank you Cheryl. Sorry to hear that you and your mum also had this horrific experience and that you later also lost your mother too.

I don’t know if I will cope or if there is much point doing so, the thing keeping me going is the task to clean up and dismantle our life so someone else doesn’t have to do it and then for my mum brother and stepdad to not have more pain caused by me. Also my husband and I have four cats and I want to ensure they are looked after.

Do the memories of the day your dad passed away still remain as clear and horrifying now or do you think of other things when you think of him now.?

I hope you have some motivations keeping you going and I wish you happiness today.

I know exactly what you mean about there not being a point to things. After my dad died my mum and I became even more close and were best friends. We brought my 13 year old daughter up together when I became a single mum and I did everything with her. Unfortunately my mum suffered a massive bleed on the brain 16 months ago aged 74 and died within a few hours.
I often feel that there is no point but I have my daughter and partner to keep going for. I also feel strongly that my mum would want me to live a happy and long life and would be devastated at how lost I am without her.
I know it doesnt feel like anything will ever get better at the moment for you. Your loss is so recent and this pain will not lessen for a long time. But I promise that things will and do get better. There will very slowly be chinks of light and better days.
Those that have lost husbands and wives will be able to help you with this. At this stage you just need to take each hour as it comes. And look after yourself by eating, trying to sleep and keeping hydrated. X

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Thank you Cheryl. Last night I was in terror but reading on here today has helped a lot and right now I’m not crying and I can breathe. This helped.

I am so sorry about your mum, if I didn’t have mine right now I would be broken beyond repair but because I do there is a chink of hope for me. I can’t imagine what you have gone through losing your own lovely mum after growing so much closer. Thank you again for the comfort and I hope you can find ways to feel close to your mum and comforted xx

Thank you. This site was a complete lifesaver for me in the early days, weeks and months and I have a lovely group that I chat privately to who lost a parent around the same time as me.
I’m pleased that you are already finding it a help. Go with your emotions and cry when you need to. You have experienced something so tragic and are allowed to do as you want. I rarely socialise anymore, I’m not interested in special occasions and I’ve volunteered to work this xmas as last year was so dire without my mum.
Just concentrate on looking after you x

Hi Fleur,

Similar thing happened to my love of my life. I did try CPR and the paranedic tried 50min.

In the and we have found it was a sudden heart attack due to 70% blockage at one of his artery with fat. He was fut and healthy, 39. No sympstoms. The doctir said some bodies do not have A thing to absorb the fat and my Andrew may one of them. Coukd not belived. Can not get over it devastated

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Yes - no destination, no future. Friends rebuke me for saying this, but I was married for 50 years, am now 76, and have no family. So what realistic future could there possibly be? I try not to think “diminishing health misery” but how to avoid it? It seems to me to be only facing up to the truth. You plod on, mechanically, trying to make some kind of routine just to preserve some kind of sanity. People who speak to me think I am doing so well. I laugh, I joke, I swear about officialdom … but it is all surface stuff.


@Nuran I am sorry you know how it feels due to losing your beloved Andrew, thank you for posting as your situation indeed is very similar.

I don’t know how we can cope with losing our loves. I didn’t know it was possible some people could have this happen how you mention. I have received the post mortem report for my husband but it says I shouldn’t open it alone due to distressing content so I don’t know what to do.

I hope you are still here, take care and keep posting if you feel like it as it helps not feel so alone I think.

@musicmaker, I like your name. Do you make music?

I think your post is very real and people don’t like reality (well neither do I now I know about it). Those people giving you this stupid advice and comments are also in the end alone, they just don’t know it yet. That’s no comfort I know and makes me feel horrible to say.

@Natasha I hope you are still here. Although I identify with the first part of your story I am behind you in time so didn’t get where you are yet but already it seems to be getting worse not better.

I am sorry you are rowing so hard without a destination but I think its better than stopping rowing if you can. However what the point of it is I also don’t know as like you said if that was the love of our life then how can we improve on that?? The only thing I can think is that if we are not still rowing and remembering our memories those memories will disappear with us when we sink to the bottom.

Of course easy for me to say now whilst I’m having a sane hour, probably within an hour I will be thinking I’m having a heart attack and shaking weeping and wishing I had strength to kill myself again so I don’t know anything really. I hope the best for you and all of us.


I recognise everything you’ve just written and I’m so grateful that you had the strength to post so honestly. I’m not sure if it will give you any sense or purpose, but I login to read posts like yours in my darkest hours so that I don’t feel so alone. Thank you x


Hi FleurDeLis,

I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds as though things are very tough and you are feeling really overwhelmed.

I think you could really do with some support and I can see that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here and offer others support. You’ve mentioned thinking of ending your life, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. Please be aware that GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be offering telephone or online alternatives.

You deserve care and support so please, FleurDeLis, get in touch with one of these services.

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999 or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

Take care,
Online Community Team

Yes it is very similar. Nearly 7 months passed and still can not believe this has happened. Yes i had a perfect life, now it has gone. If you do not mind when you find out pm results let me know?
Take carexx

@CatP21 it does help thank you so much. Often I later want to delete my posts but it helps me a lot writing things out and getting advice from people or reading other posts.

@Hazel_Sue_Ryder thank you for this. I sound crazy at least half the time and can’t see point in living but no actual suicide attempts. I have requested counselling through my work HR dept.
@Nuran I am not sure if I can open that report. I know it was heart attack caused by heart disease they told me on phone but I am not sure if there will be pictures or what in there so didnt open yet. take care x