I used to laugh then have a nag to my Richard as for some strange reason he could never close a cupboard or drawer after him, even our kitchen drawers and cupboards that one push and automatically shut…The times i had bobbed my head only to nearly decapitate it because i had just missed the left open door…but what i would give now to walk in the kitchen and see one of the cupboard doors left open, knowing it was left open by Richard and he is somewhere inside the home, or if out, not too far away, or will soon be walking through that front or back door…I would promise him that he can happily leave all the cupboard and drawers open and i shan’t complain…
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Dear Jackie,
I understand what you mean, you have had your share of troubles in the past, more than your share.
I know you replied to my question about the breed of your dogs, I saw it come through, yet I cannot find it at the moment.
I hope that you are managing to keep warm. x
Mary…
…yes, Blue Roan cocker spaniel…
Cross breed collie-springer brown with white…
Crossbreed labrador, labrador size, jack russell markings, white with brown patches on ears and tail…
I have some lovely photos of them all but to post them on here would just upset me to see them looking at me…
I understand, Jackie. x
Well Mary I managed to go for lunch with my friends and was doing well till I saw a tall grey haired man wearing the same blue puffa jacket Colin had and I took a meltdown and had to come home. Not stopped crying since 
10 weeks today since he passed seems like 10 months.
I hope you and Polly are well and today is one of your better days
V xx
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I am sorry that you had such a sad experience V, I am okay today thank you. Our son is the image of his dad and the last time he came to visit, I thought he was Stan, I do understand how you feel. This grief is so draining and tiring isn’t it? 10 weeks is nothing really, when you have been together for a long time. Take good care and pamper yourself.
Love,
Mary x x x
Hi V thinking of you. Xx
Thanks Mary, been a rough one today xx
Thanks Tracy, think I have gone through a box of tissues since I got in, the joys of grieving eh 
xx
Yes the joys. I went to work and just sat and cried for about 3 hours. Didn’t do much work that’s for sure. I just feel like I’m leaving him behind, I hate this I really do. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day xx
Poor you, it’s 
isn’t it and sadly I can see us being like this for a long long time. Hopefully your work are understanding and sensitive to what you are going through. Yes fingers crossed for a better day tomorrow 
xx
That emoji has been used loads lol. My work has been really good. I just hope that continues and they don’t get fed up with the woman that keeps crying. Just a day at a time xx
Hope you have a better day at work 
x
Dear Sheila,
I know that you are to have an ultrasound to determine what the lump is in your stomach, that day must be drawing nearer.
I just want to wish you all the very best, I hope and pray that the lump is nothing sinister. I am thinking about you,
Love,
Mary x
Well today has been horrible. I have had to come out of work again as it is too soon. Andy has made sure I am comfortable bless him, to make sure that I am able to do this. However it all feels so wrong. I feel that I’m taking advantage of him in my own silly way. I just wish he was here to talk things through as he always put me right. I thought I was ready and strong enough, but sadly no. I feel so lost xx
Tracy don’t be daft Andy wouldn’t want you to think like that. He was such a good man he provided you with the means to take your time and go back to work whenever you are ready. It may be in 6 months maybe never. Your work understand and if you feel you have gone back too early then that’s fine, take your time it’s such early days for you. Do what you need to do to get through this, it’s the worst time of your (and my) life nothing is ‘normal’ for us anymore. I gave up work to look after mum but as you know I lost her weeks before Colin and like you I have been left financially comfortable so have no intention of even contemplating working again and I don’t feel guilty in the least so you shouldn’t either. Maybe further down the line you will feel going back to work well help you but at the moment you can’t cope and there is no shame in that after what’s happened.
Keep your chin up lovely xx
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Once again, Sheila, good luck.
x x x
Vanda I don’t know how I will feel. Thank you for your kind words. My family and friends have said the same. I do feel shame, Andy always called me his rock. But I’m crumbling and I feel I’m letting him down. He was such a kind man how I miss him. He would have made all this right. It’s in bucket fulls. I can’t even look at the money it’s tainted with sadness. He should be here to enjoy his money not me, he worked hard all his working life. It’s not for me to live on, it’s all wrong xx
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It’s not wrong, Yes Andy worked hard so both of you could benefit from the money. Colin was the same we had a good lifestyle and loved our holidays and thought we would have many more together but sadly like you guys it was not to be 
but how do you think Andy would feel if he heard you say all this? He wanted the best for you and was a good provider which he made sure continued after he was gone. I know what you are saying that he should be here to enjoy his money and sadly he is not but you are and you need to honour the fact that his legacy and priority was looking after you and accept what you cannot change 
I feel so grateful that financially I have no pressure and worry and you need to do the same. That sounds really harsh Tracy and it’s not meant to I just don’t want it adding to how you already feel when there is no need. I know we are all different and we can’t help how we feel and maybe I am just more mercenary than you but please try and get passed this mindset xx
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I don’t think it sounds harsh at all. You’re only saying what others have said. I’m sure I will get past how I am thinking but right now I can’t. Vanda do you mind me asking how old you are. You may have already told me, I’m 54. I feel that it is expected of me to return to work because of my age xx