Hi,
I’m only 5 weeks into the loss of my husband , I live alone, except 2 cats, and I have a good group of friends who are very supportive , but obviously have their own lives and partners still ( only in our early 60’s) . Ive been suffering from anxiety since my husband passed , find I’m scared of going out of the house .
My friends and older sister come to visit when they can , most still work , but I stopped any formal type of work last year as Jeff and I had plans to travel and spend our retirement together . Have to say I probably spent 90% of my time with him . Upshot is now I spend most of my time alone with the cats. I force myself out a couple of times a week , either to visit friends on their days off or short walks and then I just want to go home . Im trying to make arrangements with people, but sometimes its sets me off in a panic . Getting a bit bored of box set crime dramas .
My questions are do any of you feel the same ? am I expected to much of myself at this early stage ? Have you any tips, ideas , coping strategies that have helped you ?
Hi my name is Bee23,
You are doing remarkably well for 5 weeks. I am a year in my grief after a 50 year marriage and I still cannot go out alone. I have a mobility problem which keeps me worried about being out on my own. My husband took me everywhere I needed or wanted to go. I found taking one day at a time was best for me. I cared for my husband alone for 3 years before he passed with me by his side. Try and keep contact with your friends and family even if it is only by phone or email. As time passes you will feel strong enough to see your route through this. We are stronger, braver and smarter than we think we are. Our emotions are in control at this early stage. Releasing the grief, pain and stress are the most important things to release at the moment. Eat and sleep as well as you can. I lay in bed thinking about my husband and, sometimes if I am lucky, dream about him. That helps me. I hope you find peace and find your way through in time.
You are in my thought. Take care.
Bee23 x
@JanetteR1
I’m just 7 weeks in from losing my soulmate very unexpectedly and it’s just horrendous.
I have never been an anxious person and didn’t know what it was until I spoke to a friend who is a nurse practitioner.
I found myself trembling, shaking, sick, headache, cold but sweating and literally wanting to run out the shop the first time I went in on my own. My heart was racing and I was breathless.
If I walk my son’s dog even on the flat I’m exhausted and have to stop so often it’s ridiculous but I feel physically weak.
It’s all down to bereavement and she prescribed some not addictive beta blockers for me to take when I’m about to do something different such as tomorrow which is my first day volunteering in a Sue Ryder shop.
I have always grasped anything new and I’m not mentally worrying about it but I don’t know how it’ll take me when I arrive there tomorrow so I’m unsure whether to take one or not…
I also find comfort in my own home even though John n I didn’t live together. It’s as if I have to get back. Even when I see family n friends I feel I want to leave…and when they visit me I want them to go…and I love them so much…
It’s a very strange n horrible thing is bereavement…
You sound as though you are coping quite well, at least seeing your friends and having a walk but it’s not quite the same as having our loved ones with us is it.?
Thank you bee for your wise words , so sorry about your husband and mobility problems , I just hope you manage to get out with a little bit with help from someone? You’re so right about emotions being dominant , I can go from ok to wailing banshee within a few seconds no matter where I am . I don’t feel I’m coping well as never had anxiety before but I’m still here . It’s strange this time thing with bereavement , when I think it’s only 5 weeks and I should be more patient with myself , but then sometimes it seems months ago , and then switches to days ago .
Hi Mitzi, sounds like we’re in a similar space , I’m getting the shaking , feeling sick , headaches ,dizzy and palpitations when I do manage to get out , even when I’m with someone and like you have never had any anxiety before this . Also feeling physically weak and the wanting people around , but not wanting them around ( it’s mad ! ) Relieved it seems a normal reaction to our loss . Hope the day goes ok for you tomorrow , keep us updated how you got on and if you needed the tablets . Good luck x
@JanetteR1
It’s really, really early for you. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself. At your point I was still on the numb with shock stage.
I think the anxiety is very normal. I’m early sixties too. I found that I became really anxious about lots of things, many that I was regularly doing fine when my husband was alive. I think it is your mind telling you things have changed and to be more alert to danger but it overdoes it. I gave in to doing anything that helped quieten it a bit… taking two door keys out, over-prepping every journey, only attempting one task out at a time or a few hours initially.
I also had a weird sense of having an umbilical cord tying me to home, my safe space and where I felt closest to my husband.
I’m 8 months in and am generally calmer, usually sleeping better, and more functional and with the anxiety a lot more under control.
Be gentle with yourself, grief is not linear. You’ll have days things go ok sure, but don’t expect too much yet.
It’s only been 5 weeks for me as well I know how you feel I started going to MIND HEALTH because it douse affect you it’s helpin me. Meet people who don’t no my troubles some are daft and I laughed the outher day and the people who run the work shops are kind if you want to talk to me please do don’t sit there I am Sean I am 62 any time of day or night email me at. theretiredtentmaker @gmail.com I check my mail all day so it won’t be long before I get back I am sure we can help each outher I found anxiety loves silence. Sean
Find mind health groups old young middle age 3 times a week I’ve started laughing a little again once a week a roast dinner t family table full of simular people you don’t know but you got to eat or anxiety gets worse the people that run these groups are so kind and you can talk to them in private and they can help you get rid of some of that rubbish in your head 20 p for tea coffee 40 p for toast £2 roast dinner You got to eat. to get out meet and live again That’s what they said to me food is really important in recovery it keeps Adrenalin out of your belly cambats anxiety love and peace Sean
Hi Sean , sorry for your loss and thanks for your advice . Not sure group chats are for me , maybe ok later down the line . I’ve get an invite this morning from our local hospice for 1 to 1 bereavement counselling , so going to give that a go. Happy to chat on here for now . Keep us updated how you’re getting on .
I am fine then I am not I walk the dog a lot crying with out warning silly thinks set it off motor bikes worst things for it but people are the best cure loneliness is the worst thing as you know t v or radio on all time keeps the noise of silence away
@JanetteR1
My grief counsellor said it’s a typical physical reaction to our broken hearts and our heart has to heal in its own way the same as if we broke a limb.
She said if we had a hip op we can’t go to the shop for a while because we are just not capable and have to heal but we think we can just carry on after heartbreak but again we need to heal.
Makes absolute sense really….xx
@JanetteR1
Meant to add today was really good volunteering. It is a very busy shop so constantly doing something but chatting to the public as well. I felt as though I’d done something useful so I’m going in Mondays as well…
Yes I had a tear when I was asked where I lived n if I was married n children etc but they were sympathetic and I managed to get through without an anxiety attack… Felt proud of myself to be honest n I know John would be well chuffed…
I’d recommend anyone to give it a go.x
You’re right about to and radio , really don’t like the silence , Jeff was a a force of nature most of the time always creating some chaos or other . Like you can be ok one minute then crying the next. Can I ask why motor bikes set you off in particular . Don’t have to answer if you don’t want . X
Good , glad it went well , well done you x I have been thinking of volunteering somewhere , when I can . Probably something to do with animals though. or maybe both ? Got to stay sane somehow . Getting ahead of myself again !
Taking your advice onboard and taking one day at a time and not expecting too much. My sister is telling me the same thing . Before I was out most days ( with or without Jeff ) walking , at the allotment or something outdoors even if it was just for an hour - and I think I’m going a bit stir crazy too . Deep breath …. And settle into the crime dramas for a while .
My son was on a motor cycle like his dad me used to he had a super bike going to fast. And a poor young girl pulled in front of him it was not her fault I wanted to blame her but Samuel was doing over 130 mph at that speed she would not have seen him he was killed out right the worst bit was I lived on a narrow boat and did not know for two years that hurt and every one hates me for missing his funeral I got the blame because I was the mad bike rider in my twenty’s exmouth to Exeter 12 miles 7 minets crazy and stupid and he died on that same Road
Dear Sean3,
I am so sorry for your loss. I am from a biker family and my man was a biker when I met him. As young people most of them do something crazy, sometimes they pay a high price. I am also sorry for your added pain with people being hateful after your loss. I hope you can find peace with this and that certain people realise it was not your fault.
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
Kind regards,
Bee23
Ohh that’s awful Sean , strangely I was a biker chick back in the day, stopped riding in my 20’s when one of my best friends was killed , like your son speeding and taking risks .
He was trying to be like his dad it’s hard not to blame your self the sad thing is though the only way I did it so fast is I was heart broken me and his mother had split and I went over painted rounder bouts wrong side of the road death wish sold the bike went to sea on trawlers out of Devon
