I get that, you want to encourage them, not the opposite, so it isn’t strange at all. But afterwards the regret comes of course. I wish I could’ve had some reassurance from him that I did ok and that he wanted me to keep going (people always say our parents would want that, but I kind of needed to hear it). 
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Yes I know what you mean, just confirmation that you did everything you could and encouragement to live life to the full (which is impossible to imagine / do whilst grieving.) Even if others around you say these things, you can never be sure.
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Hi Isolde82 & Ulma
What you have now is hindsight which acts as your microscope and not one conversation or moment you had with him doesn’t go under it. Be kind to yourselves when you next whip out your microscope. Remember he was your Dad…still is your Dad who would never have shared his fears with you for his fear of upsetting you. It’s a weird denial as even with doctors and her oncologist giving me brutal information on her condition I thought, yeah right you don’t know her, she’ll prove you wrong and just got on with whatever needed doing. I was told long ago to be strong for her and I wish now that I hadn’t. I wish I’d let her see me when I was upset and terrified of losing her because maybe things may have been different but maybe they wouldn’t I’ll never know.
You both did everything you felt was right in those moments so try not to regret too much as you don’t know how any other way would have gone.
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Hi StarHeart
Oh your poor son, bless his heart he must have wondered where she’d gone. That must have been incredibly hard for you to explain and witness whilst dealing with all your pain. What a relationship to be broken as well and so soon. I never made my Mum a Grandmother. I never wanted children but always knew she’d have made a wonderful Grandmother.
You’re so right, life does move on whether you want it to or not. In the first year I couldn’t wrap my head around never seeing her again. I still can’t at times and like you I still have to believe she is here for my sanity.
I get extremely sad for the newly bereaved people on here that have lost a parent as I too want to say it will get easier, not any less painful as such but the gaps between each breakdown you have get longer and you get stronger. I think there is a moment when you have that huge melt down where you can’t breathe and you feel like your heart is going to give out but then you come out the other side and think, oh my goodness I got though that so the next time it happens you know you’ll survive it.
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I feel this. I lost my Gran/Dad in September - he was my Grandad, but his role was Dad because he stepped up when others stepped away. I dislike the festive season anyway but of course this year I have been outright hating it. It just feels unfair and frustrating that he was here last Xmas and this year he is gone. Unfortunately, he suffered with Alzheimer’s & Vascular Dementia for years before he died, but he enjoyed the family & food aspect of Xmas even when other things no longer held his interest.
This community has been a big help. Just having a place to vent without judgement has been of huge huge benefit.
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Sal46, you are so right. Why do we do this to ourselves. I was exactly the same as you with the oncologist, due to the denial and because I became fixated on accounts of people who defied or lived far longer than their prognosis. And it’s so true that our loved ones often protect us from some of the conversations with doctors.
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@yadoking So sorry that you have lost your Grandad. The first Xmas is just awful. I’m with you on the feelings of the festive season too. Xmas leaves me cold and always has so luckily, I don’t get too upset by it. The first one though I felt all at sea not knowing what to do and like you my first was quite quick that I didn’t have time to brace myself for it.
What an awful disease, your poor Grandad that must have been so hard for you. I lost a family friend to dementia with lewy bodies and was with him until the end but it was just incredibly sad to have him there but not to have him there.
Did you feel like you had grieved for him before he passed in the way you maybe felt like he had already gone?
Isolde82 I did that too. Also like you said about your Dad, my Mum had always got better so naturally I assumed she somehow just would.
I was told by her oncologist that she had “weeks, xmas at best” and I told no one, no one ever knew for the fear of it getting back to her . He told me on the phone as it was 2021 and we were still under a covid cloud. I met with her best friend a few months after she passed and she said “she knew you know”. So I was like knew what? She said that she had told her that she only had a matter of weeks left, xmas at best. I was floored. You know that moment when you want to breakdown but you don’t think the person you’re with could handle seeing you like that. It was one of those moments. I’d love to know how she knew. I checked her phone and no calls from him. She was in hospital for three weeks before coming home where she passed, was it in the hospital? He’d never have come to see her as he wasn’t a people person if you know what I mean. I’ve so many questions.
True, they would try to protect us! Probably or even more so if we had broken down in front of them, I guess. Parental instinct kicking in.
That’s the problem, isn’t it? Being kind to yourself instead of taking out the whip. I hope at some point I can be.
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Sal46, that must have floored you when you spoke to her friend and discovered that she knew all along, after you’d tried to protect her from it. It must be so frustrating not knowing how she knew this if her oncologist was updating you. And you’d never have known had you not spoken to her friend. It must have been such a shock and you just wanted to be alone to process what you’d learned. Did you ever speak to her oncologist again?
I really appreciate you sharing this and the guidance you have given. It’s a great comfort that we can all share our thoughts and experiences on here without being judged. I thought I was in the minority with my blind faith that Dad would recover and it reassures me that other people have had the same reactions. Even though for all of us this has been followed by the trauma of loss.
Isolde82 I never spoke to him again but if I had have done, I doubt he’d have told me because of patient confidentiality. He would only speak to me with her permission and that was the last time.
Oh bless you that’s very kind of you to say but I don’t feel it’s guidance at all, I just remember the excruciating pain in the beginning and the constantly beating myself up. You can’t stop that no matter what anyone says and I still do it, only less now. I guess it must be natural. But I hate reading how people torture themselves as this journey is torture enough. How are you feeling about Xmas?
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Sal46, the only people I listen to are those who have lost a parent and can speak from experience. Others mean well but it’s people like you whose advice I really value. I’m so sorry you never got the answer as to how your Mum knew. We can never get true closure but knowing certain answers helps towards it.
I used to love Christmas; now I’m dreading it! What about you? Has it got more bearable?
No wonder you have questions, what a shock! It might have been another doctor or a nurse who said something, but not knowing must be so difficult.
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Sometimes I think, did she hear me on the phone but there’s no way she could have done. I think the main one I had and still have is is she alright. I just need to know if she’s ok if that makes any sense.
Yes I’m with there you there. If someone hasn’t lost a parent then they’re not qualified!
The first Xmas I was so numb as Xmas was already upon us really so I didn’t have time to brace myself. This is my third one but have not long had the second anniversary. It’s not that it’s more bearable, I feel almost numb to it if you know what I mean. It still feels weird as I always busy organising it with her and now I don’t and I miss it. Her birthday is Xmas Eve and so I normally celebrate that for her as she loved her birthday. I try not to cry, to keep smiling and put up all the cards she kept from me. I light a candle in our local church (I’m not religious!) then go for a three course lunch with plenty of drink, just as she’d want me to. It’s my new normal for her birthday, it gets me through her special day.
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It does. I keep writing that to my dad in my journal, wishing he would just let me know he’s ok.
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Oh Ulma bless you, I feel you so much. It’s a crippling feeling, huge hugs 
Do you believe in the afterlife at all? I just wondered if you might have asked for a sign from him in your journal.
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Thank you. I honestly don’t know what I believe, but I do hope it exists. Yes, I’ve asked for a sign too, but nothing even remotely like that so far.
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I no longer believe in an afterlife, yet i still keep looking for signs/reassurance that Mums ok. Despite not believing, if i had a significant dream about her i would cling onto it for dear life!
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Needed this tonight. It’s been 4 weeks since I lost my Dad before his time. I’m so sad, lost, devastated, heartbroken…no words can cover it. Today has hit me like a truck turning the telly on and seeing all the Christmas shows he loved. I don’t want to be here without him, but I want to live a great life for him in honour of all the amazing things he did with his. He had so much life left to live, so excited for his retirement and time with our family. I have no idea right now how I will ever rebuild and be happy again, but I will for him, and for my mum. Watching her broken and halved is soul destroying and adds a whole other level to the grieving process. I know life can’t stop just for us, but oh how I wish it would, just for a day 
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Absolutely! Me too. I get irritated when all my dreams are about silly, pointless things.
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