Sal46, it does make sense, just wanting to know they’re okay. Also that they’re with you. I will be thinking of you on your mum’s birthday tomorrow. It’s lovely that you honour her with the cards and the meal. I can imagine the pain never leaves you though you start to move on in life.
I do believe in an afterlife & my small comfort is that I’ll be reunited with Dad again one day - hopefully this time for eternity.
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Peppermint, I’m so sorry about your Dad. It does feel so surreal watching the majority of people getting on with life and excitedly preparing for Christmas. My thoughts are with you and your family. We all understand the distress you are experiencing. I too can’t wait for Christmas to pass having lost my Dad in November.
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I’m so sorry. It’s five weeks for me and I feel the same. Just wishing Christmas was over already. And New Year. Take care of yourself and your mum, you have each other now to lean on. 
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Hi all,
I was in the supermarket earlier and I saw a really bad example of parenting. The dad (or stepdad) appeared to be quite the bully to the young girl. It made me sad for all children brought up without safety, love and care.
And it also reminded me of what unites us on this forum, the reason for our heartbreak and devastation: it’s because our dads are wonderful, kind-hearted, generous souls, who did everything to give us, their children, the best life possible.
It doesn’t feel like it in this moment, but we are the lucky ones. We hurt so much because our dads have loved and treasured us throughout our whole lives.
It hurts so much because of the endless love.
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Burgled, exactly this! It makes me think of the quote, “grief is the price we pay for love.” We had wonderful, kind and loving parents.
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I lost my mum 2 weeks ago, I lost my sister 3 months ago. Last Christmas I never expected to be so lonely. I have 2 children and 3 grandchildren, and for that I am eternally grateful, so why do I feel so devastatingly lonely. This year I have no Xmas tree, decorations or celebrations- my heart won’t allow 
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Rubles, I’m so sorry to hear that.
I think for many of us tomorrow is just a day to be got through. Hugs.
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So sorry, Rubles, two losses in so short a time is a lot to cope with. Sending you love and strength. When you lose a parent and a sibling you lose a connection to your childhood and that hurts in a particular way, especially at Christmas.
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Hi I just read your post and my heart goes out to you, I lost my father in February 23 and my mother in Jan 21, both times I had time a considerable time off work. Your world has changed and your stability in life rocked by losing parents. Don’t let work pressure you, I know easier said than done but hope you get a supportive GP and go back when you feel ready. I felt forced to go back or they were mentioning losing my job just the added pressure you don’t need. As a result went back work but on phased return the same time as having shingles so everything was slowed down further.
This is my first Christmas without either parent and it hard I was there carer as well so difficult to say the least and the cherry on top came home from hospital yesterday following surgery. We have to give ourselves time to feel our grief and if others cannot understand that they unfortunately will one day. Be gentle and kind to yourself and do whatever helps you through.
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Hi, I lost my Mum in September. Since losing Mum, we have had her 80th birthday without her and now Christmas. I have a brother who is autistic and has learning disabilities, I am his carer, so I have done Christmas for him. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t think I would of bothered. I’ve found today hard, have been keeping myself busy!
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Ruby123, I really appreciate your reply and I’m so sorry for the loss of your parents. If you don’t mind me asking, how long were you off and how did you find the phased return? I am astounded by the pressure to return to work after losing the most important people in our lives. It makes you feel like just a number. And it adds more stress that you just don’t need - especially when they threaten to sack you, that’s disgusting!
Six days after I lost Dad my boss called to say “how are you?” then a short time later was talking about some of my work, I thought I was hallucinating!! I spoke to my GP and she initially signed me off for a month - I was going to get another note as I’ve become more depressed since Dad’s funeral - even though I didn’t think I could feel any worse. I’m not ready for normal life / routine yet.
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Oh my Gawd, that’s awful.
My first two emails to work had work info in, because I wanted to make it easy for whoever I handed it over to, and my line manager told me to stop thinking about work and that they’d sort it out.
I also wonder what’s appropriate /acceptable re: length of time off work. I don’t want to be thought of any less favourably for taking lots of time off. Then again, I also have loads of annual leave to take before the end of March, so it’s hopefully not as if I’d have to be in every day for weeks and months on end.
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Burgled, I was wondering the same. Speaking to friends who have lost parents some took 2 weeks off; the longest spent around 9 months off work. A couple took 3 months off. They were all still grieving when they returned; just more able to function.
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Isolde82
With regards to my mother I was off feb until November and my father it was feb until oct so I know it’s a long time off work. I really don’t think they appreciate how devastated you feel. I went back work on reduced hours. I have been diagnosed with PTSD due to how my father passed away so it’s been so hard trying to act I hate the word normal at work when all I want to do is tell them all to get lost health is more important than work. I agree we are all numbers and they run a business. Just do what is right for you. See If your work can refer you to occupational health and if in a union take them to work meetings with them. U could of easily told them to stuff their job
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Ruby123, I don’t think that’s too long at all - to me that’s proportionate after losing a parent. In that time you’re having to navigate grief, deal with practical arrangements, looking after other family members - all of which is so hard / impossible to do whilst working. Not to mention symptoms / diagnosis.
Your post has really reassured me. I’ve been off since mid Nov & my boss has just referred me to Occ Health. Employers need to realise everyone deals with grief differently and in varying timescales. How did you find work each time you returned?
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Isolde 182
Great you boss has referred you to occupational health just tell them everything, I could not function, some days I did not dress, wash, want to eat, sleep was a major issues. I lost interest in everything and saw how we worry about insignificant issues, hard it you are wired that way. I told them I that felt I could not deal with clients colleagues etc and needed time.
Until the funeral I was just trying to sort everything and it was afterwards it hit me so hard.
Has your work also got a policy on compassionate leave.? If you don’t want your manager to ring just tell them I will update via text or email only. Or ask to deal with different manager or HR.
Don’t be bullied and if you feel you are express that. I think some managers have no idea how to manage and can be insensitive.
Tell your gp yours concerns so documented as well.
Honestly take things day by day and just do what you need to do and really be kind to yourself. Treat yourself how you would a friend. Xx
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Hi rubles
Just read your post I lost brother, and both parents the timescale is longer but this year without my father, realising no more parents alive has been devastating. I have not put up Christmas decoration but just come out of hospital so not physically able to either. The joy has gone at the moment, however hard I grieve, I realised it because they were all special and meant the world to me. So pain and love intertwined, but would not have it any other way. I realise I was lucky to have had such a great relationship with them. Thinking of you
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Isolde 82
Sorry realised forgot to answer how I found returning to work.
It’s been strange do not want to be there and just do what I need to. If difficult time I tell manger or say need a break etc phased return altered hours is to ease you in. I told my boss that I did not want to be pressured and on my return to work I had shingles so I felt unwell and extremely tired , I mostly worked from home so easier for me and a blessing sometimes that worked in pjs. See if work has a stress support plan some companies have counsellors - ask occupational health then you are doing things to help yourself but also getting more time off. At the end of the day I know we need to work but it’s about living for work, we are never going to say wished worked more, always lived more. Do the minimal to get through. If you have goals set my company ask them to reduce what ever you want ask for it. Sorry long winded hope it helps. X
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Ruby123, thank you for sharing this. You are right, we have to allow ourselves to go through the grief and get to a point where we can at least function.
Your words struck a chord with me - I’ve gone from being a productive early riser, to lying in until late. I’m usually very independent but now struggle to go out - especially on my own. Even something simple like going to get fuel has become a military operation! Life has gone from being very colourful to very grey. Completely joyless.
My employer gave 5 days compassionate then I had a week’s leave and during that time went to the doctor for a note as knew I was nowhere near ready. Similarly to you with your clients, I’m nowhere near fit for work. I have to deal with traumatised people in my job, it’s very high stress and long, unpredictable hours and the way I feel at the moment, I wouldn’t last 5 minutes! Hopefully Occ Health will help and advise but I’m going to contact my GP for some more time and to try antidepressants.
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Hi @Sal46 just reading your post I really connected to it. I really thought my mum would pull through, I couldn’t believe otherwise. I too tried to remain ‘strong’ for my mum as I didn’t want to scare her or upset her even more. But I have constantly worried ever since that because I didn’t let her see me cry and worried and so upset at the idea of losing her, that she somehow thought I didn’t care that much? Because I was being strong and trying to hold everything together. But it haunts me that she might not have known how much it would break me and how unbelievably upset I was/am by her loss and how much I wanted her to stay. I worry she thought maybe I accepted the situation because I stayed strong and didn’t cry in front of her. I really wish she knew, if not then, at least now how much I wish she could have stayed and how much it’s broken me to be without her x
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