I'm feeling SO fed up trying to carry on

My wife passed away 107 days ago & that is how I’m living - I’m just counting the days since. We had been together for 23 years and were literally soul mates and would ALWAYS tell each other that our sole purpose was just for each other and that we could never determine where one person ends and the other began. Our souls were so interwoven and was every possible cliche you can imagine.
She passed away with a very aggressive form of Sarcoma cancer on 23rd May, which was so incredibly shocking beyond any words. My whole world was literally destroyed!
Shortly afterwards (28th May) was the anniversary of the day we met and was such a struggle to get through. Since then, I’ve had to endure my birthday without her, deal with every day things without her and have had to basically be by myself. I HATE IT!!! I’m not learning to live without her but EVERY day is just existing. The loneliness is unbearable! In 7 days time, it will be our wedding anniversary, and I am ABSOLUTELY dreading it! I really don’t know how I will be able to physically and mentally survive much longer!!!
I’m a self employed illustrator and before her passing, it was one thing I could do in my sleep and loved doing it. I always considered it a passion ad felt unstoppable. Now, I do not feel artistic or creative whatsoever. I hate it!
I promised my late wife that I would never do anything to hurt myself deliberately, but the longer I feel like I’m struggling, the harder it is to keep these thoughts of self harm from my mind!

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I have the same feeling as yours; my wife passed in March. It was sudden. She was recovering well from a severe sepsis suddenly strike by another illness and passed within 12 hrs. We were together 32 years. Childhood sweetheart. My first love. Our lives were so intertwined together. We often tell one another how fortunate we were to have found each other. Great love is so hard to come by but we’ve found it. Everyday we were happy and grateful for our relationship.
Now every day is a torture. I’ve lost interest in everything I used to enjoy. How long will this hell last?

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I know what you mean - I always said that we were entwined as one. I have lost half of myself as well as him. My future was him - whatever we were going to do, it was doing it with him that was the whole point. I am plodding through work now. It gives me something to do but for what purpose? To keep a roof over my head I guess.
I get what you mean and I don’t know the answer to it. We all need our soulmates back with us but know we can’t have the one thing that we need. Take care

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I have just read this Chris4 & feel very much like you. My son thinks I am wrong to feel like it but so many of us on here feel the same. I just read the reply’s you got & it seems they are like it too. We all have to hope in time we can learn to live with it. I am 6 months widowed & still find it hard to survive. Lets just hope in time we will cope better because I know I cannot go on much longer the way I feel.

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I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. Tomorrow is one of the 1st, as we call it, for me. Our wedding anniversary. I too am dreading the day. I don’t know if I want to be with company or be on my own.
It’s so hard to grasp the reality that our loved one, soul mates are no longer with us.
My husband died of a heart attack. It was so unexpected.
I’m so grateful for this site as it’s very clear that unless you have been through this nobody really has a clue what pain and suffering we are going through.
I convinced myself the other day that I was actually coping quite well but then I sat and thought about it…… so I don’t watch any programmes we both liked, I don’t visit places we both enjoyed. In fact I’m quite happy to stay at home all the time. I don’t cook the meals that were Martins special dinners or shop for any foods or treats that we both liked. As I go about my day, if any thought pops in to my head …… oh Martin would like that!! …. Or I find myself doing a task that Martin always did, I shut down the thought process and just go about the job almost in a dazed state of mind simply so I get the job done. No enjoyment is felt just a necessity to get through the day. I honestly don’t feel as though I have breathed properly since Martin died……. So maybe I’m not doing so well …… just kidding myself or more obviously just trying to convince others I’m doing ok.

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I feel for you & understand. I do not think I am doing well at all. Don’t do chores, don’t eat at all the same, lost lots of weight. No motivation, no energy. Just want to lay down & sleep forever.

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Diane08

It’s all very exhausting. I worry that I’m going to hit a brick wall and all my efforts of pretence are going to catch up with me. My husband was the same age as yours when he died, back in March of this year. To spend the next 20/30 years without him feels me with dread.
I feel like I am screaming inside and nobody can see it

Xx

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I feel just like that, so understand you. I still keep saying to myself ‘he cannot be dead’ then tell myself he is dead. So unfair. I do not know how I will ever get though this. I cannot live the rest of my life feeling this way. There seems no point to anything any more.

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Hi I’m just over 2years I still have that pain although I have learned to live with it the tears still come along though not. As frequently just out of the blue I wake up every morning and wish she was here life doesn’t get any easier I have found you just live one day at a time hope this helps

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It is 3 yrs for me. I never thought I would get this far. I wanted to die. I didn’t care if I got covid. Nothing mattered at all.
I still feel the void. I still think of him but not obsessively anymore. I still break my heart sometimes. But I do have some ok days now. It is never the same but I get by and you will too. Grief is a long journey of waves and emotions.
You WILL survive. I promise you. I wish I could say more to cheer you up a little but I am still on the journey. Xx

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Putting lights out, then I know he isn’t coming home
I say goodnight to him without fail & say I miss you
Unfortunately one night last week I was nodding off when I realised I hadn’t said goodnight to his photo - I was out that bed feeling so guilty that it felt I momentarily had forgotten him -
Felt ashamed of myself and promised never to do that again

I wake to think - oh no another day -

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Me too Kath. I hate the mornings more than the nights. It is so hard to make myself get up. My friend lost both her adult children 8 and 10 yrs ago and she still feels the pain every morning. I could never understand her journey properly but boy I do now! X

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You are not on your own. My husband died at the end of June. Since then I have just existed. We had been together for 59 years and married for 54 of them. Life at the moment seems pointless. I feel broken now and nothing can make me whole again.

We have to try and carry on that is what they would want us to do.

I do hope we all find some peace of mind soon. But we will never forget.

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All that has been said here is how I feel, 6 months now & it only seems to be getting worse by the day!! I do not know how I will survive every day.

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When my father passed, I remember my mum saying “what’s the point” - she didn’t want to live without him and I felt really hurt as she had me .
She did announce a couple of times she was going to jump out the window
Come on mum i would say - - but now I fully get her despair and while I wouldn’t contemplate doing anything similar - I just think of the long journey ahead.
It is depressing.

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Hi everyone it’s been 25 weeks for me, every waking second my thoughts are crowded with the loss of my husband and how I can get through the day
I hate leaving the house because I have to return to silence, I work part time my husband retired so when I came home he was always there to welcome me back now nothing after 46 years together he was such a happy sole always a smile
It’s so had to carry on, motivation is so low no one can grasp the loss unless you are going through the same experience
I truly feel for you all going through such pain

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Its been 28 weeks for me I feel just like you JDB seems no point to carrying on anymore. Just getting worse not better right now.

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That’s exactly how I am keep saying Marks not dead, wish I knew the answer as to how you carry on, take care x

At the moment I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel.
We have to keep going I know, but not easy. Big hug to you. x

He went out for a paper but didn’t come back??
Where has he gone??
Months on, I still think I hear him moving about in the house.
I feel hollow and get thru the day on auto pilot.

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