Im in a very bad place

The house is so big and quiet. I can hear my own heart beating and i want it to stop. I want to be with him. I wasnt meant to be without him. We took so long to find each other and now he is gone and there is not a damn thing i can do about it. I dont want to be here. I dont want to walk into the house every evening after work to a shell. Time they say will help, WELL ITS NOT!!! They lie, they lie just to make themselves feel better and to stop the conversation. I got so mad with him for leaving me here in this hell hole, i took off my wedding ring and his that i have been wearing since they gave it to me in the hospital, and i threw them in a drawer. I dont eat, i cant sleep, i am so tired, i just want it to stop, this pain that i have never felt before. If he had loved me as much as he said he did, he would have fought harder to stay…but he didnt, he left me, he just bloody left me.

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Hi there. It’s no good people telling you that it gets better with time because that’s meaningless to you as it is to me at the moment.

Like you I get mad at my wife for leaving me even though she couldn’t help it after a long time with dementia and then a stroke that killed her. I walk out and see her coming to meet me. I walk indoors and expect her to be there. The car passenger seat is empty. The beds too big. I see her coming up the path to the house. All these delusions are normal I’m told.

Be active here for at least a bit of crazy company. I’ll talk to you

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I don’t think he wanted to leave you for a minute, just as mine thought he would live forever. Mine told me that he “would never hurt me” and " we will never split up", and I felt angry that it turned out not to be true. Deep down you know in your heart that he loved you so very much, he was probably as shocked as you were when he passed. That’s what I tell myself, and we need to believe it. We have been cheated. I’m with you in this.

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Hi @nicky1961’m sorry life is so dreadful for you. We can all understand how desperate you are feeling. Life is cruel and trying to carry on without your person is unbearable. The empty house, the quietness is soul destroying. We will never stop missing them but somehow we have to move forward taking our loved ones with us. I’m still trying to find my way but struggling with every day life without my man beside me. I hope things improve for all of us.X

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I think that that’s it really. We have to get through each day, day by day. We have no choice.

I’ve got good pictures of my dear Bridget as she was before dementia and it’s heartbreaking to know that it would end her life eventually, but she lived a much reduced life, degrading and confused. I miss her very much every day.

Sometimes I’m okay and then out of the blue I feel very lonely and a bit scared that I’m on my own. Grief is horrible. It eats into you and reduces us as well.

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I’ve no real answer to how we reduce our suffering. I lurch from acceptance to just about putting up with it. There is no magic technique, no counselling advice I’ve found that makes much difference.

It just sort of gets different bit by bit and we have to tough it out using all the support we can get from forums like this, Samaritans, counsellors ( if they’re any good and many are rubbish and expensive), and friends and family if you’re lucky that they have compassion and empathy for your situation

I really don’t know if i can spend the next umpteen months, years without him, he is and was my reason for being. We had both gone through some really bad relationships before we met. He could read my thoughts as i him, we sometimes even finished each others sentences. I was asked the other day, “If you knew in advance, would you have married him?”…before they had finished the sentence…YES was my answer. I would have rather have spent these years together than had my life without him.
After reading your words, I have realised, it doesn’t change the fact that, this has happened and there is not a damn thing we can do about it , whether you have the knowledge that this is what is going to happen or mine.
Colin went to work on the Monday morning, i heard the door close behind him. He drove to his first port of call as a maintenance man and never got out of his van. I was driving to work when the police called me. Cardiac arrest…undiagnosed heart condition. He was taken to hospital but never woke up. I wanted him to fight, to fight to stay with me, to be with me as we promised each other we would be. I am so angry, so angry that i can not concentrate on anything but those last few days he was in the hospital and me begging him to fight to come back to me. I think i am going crazy, i really do…

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I understand that you think you are going crazy as I certainly did in the early days when my Bridget left to go into a care home. She refused to recognise me as her husband. She lasted four years and then died of a stroke.

I too was angry that she left me. She left me that day in 2019 and again when she died last year. I get angry because of the dementia and at death. This is all understandable but, in the end, unrealistic as none of us can alter what we die of unless we neglect ourselves, take risks, suicide or someone else is involved.

I could say it’s early days but that’s no comfort. People say well meaning things but that sometimes comes across crass and unhelpful. Advice from others is there to help but I’ve found when you’re in deep grief nothing really makes it better. I’m afraid it’s just plodding through this awful time and just know that it will get easier, please believe me

I did reach out to mum last night, she has been my comfort blanket all of my life as most mums are, but she lost dad 9 years ago, so the blanket seeking i have been putting off in fear of making her cry by bringing my tears to her, but i felt the blanket last night . She talked about dad, about how she still misses him, still talks to him and believes that he hears her. We spoke about Colin, her memories of him which made me smile. To get a different perspective about someone through other peoples eyes was quite lovely. She told me he would call her ‘The old Trout’ which made her laugh. She mirrored all that has been written here on this forum. The ups and downs, the quiet nights, the lonely nights. The nights that turn to days and those days that bought her something that made her smile. I am trying, i really am to ‘keep a stiff upper lip’ as they say,’ be strong’, ‘take deep breaths’, ‘tomorrow is another day’

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Hey @nicky1961
We all experience a huge range of emotions after the loss of our soul mates and all are completely valid and normal.
It’s just sometimes they are exaggerated by our emotional turmoil and distress.
Feel the anger - embrace it and try to let it out in a non destructive way.
I feel that I will only be able to eventually move forward in some way if I go through all the pain and suffering, whatever that may be on a day to day basis - sadness, despair, anger, anxiety …… My anger is not usually directed at my husband as I know how much he wanted to stay with us - he would have done anything not to leave us but he had no control over that. Neither did I .
Best to get it all out and use those who can support you to help you manage. I’m glad you have your mum - unfortunately my mum lost my dad 6 years ago but is lost and stuck in her grief and so only tells me it won’t get any better. As I’m only 52, with 4 kids who need me to be a functioning parent, I don’t want to spend the next 20, 30 or more years being miserable.
My husband would have hated that for me, and I’m sure yours would want you to find some peace and happiness in the future however unlikely that feels to us all at the moment.
Take care xx

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I only knew Steve for 2.5 years, and I only discovered how ill he was 5 weeks after we started going out together. By then we were in love, and nothing could have stopped the relationship even though I realised what I would facing sooner or later. I wouldn’t have missed it for the World.
What I have now is constant deep sadness and the feeling of missing him. I go out all the time, see friends and keep busy, but nothing helps although I may look OK. In the last week 2 people have mentioned that I will eventually meet someone else but I really cannot imagine it and don’t think I will ever want it.
It’s all just SO SAD.

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Sending you love and hugs
Rose xx

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Nick was my 3rd time lucky hubby , first one 4 years and a womaniser , 2nd one 11 years beat me till I had a miscarriage, with nick 23 years after a 20 year engagement we eloped to Gretna Green and married in September 2022, I thought after all the time, getting married wouldn’t change us but it did even closer , he was my everything , he taught me the meaning of unconditional love , I only got 17 months of marriage after waiting so long, I feel totally robbed , one min we are talking about going out , next he is at my feet having a heart attack , two days of hope in ICU then 8 weeks ago I had to witness his life support being turned off , sometimes I ask him “why did you leave me ?” Miss him so much he was 65, I am 56

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Feeling it with you .
7 weeks gone by
My flat used to be a warm hub of joy and activities and love. He went it was tragic .
My flat is a shell and is also very disorganised now. I have managed to clear most of his stuff I had to do it with a cold heart and keep breathing… But essentially they are so lovely things every damn bit is lovely.
I’m 52 certain no-one will match his attentive nature. I may find a friend or two along the way , sending you hugs

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Thank you to everyone on here who has been there when i needed you guys the most.
It is a better day today. I have kept busy these last couple of days and spoken with family, but like i said before, i have found that friends become strangers and strangers become friends. . Fathers day is coming another first for the children, all i can do, is be here for them Faith Hill is playing on the radio “There you’ll be” she covered it all… Xx

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Im glad that you’re having a better day today. We are all here for each other, it’s great, isn’t it?

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Yes it is. Life line , REALLY. Keep in touch x

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It really is good to know that ( unfortunately) there are others going through similar and very difficult times.

I went to Bridget’s grave this afternoon
( a woodland burial) and it seemed like we were still together, still married. And why not, when you’ve been together for over 30 years the connections are so strong, so normal. I cry ( of course I do ) and talk to her and find it hard to leave.

Also, it’s hit me hard lately that life is that more difficult because it’s only me at home with no sharing of jobs, only I make decisions with no one to bounce ideas off of. I have to pace myself otherwise I get really tired.

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7 weeks gone by for me and I agree the burden of doing everything on my own (including tackling things that were never my job) is exhausting. I’m frustrated because I can’t lift heavy things but hate asking anyone to help. I’m struggling with making decisions too. I used to be confident and organised and now I can get overwhelmed in Tesco! If I try and keep busy it distracts me but keep coming back to the fact that I can’t face this for another 20 years.

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I know exactly how you feel on that. 20- 30 years I get it.
It’s so bloody cruel, sending love

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