It is definitely hard to know how we feel unless you have experienced the pain of losing your soulmate. Saying that I have a good friend who lost her husband 3 years ago and she didn’t feel the way I do now. She does keep herself very very busy and had a different relationship with her husband than I did mine, but I suppose we all grieve differently.
What upsets me is those friends who just don’t even try. One of my really close friends messaged me this morning to tell me about her life and how did my daughter get on with her exams compared to her own. No ‘ how are you ? ’ or acknowledgement that my husband has died - yet for years I’ve been there to support her through her divorce, mental health issues and her daughters struggles.
I just can’t deal with that kind of coldness and avoidance so I am just not keeping in touch with so called friends who are behaving that way.
I know I probably shouldn’t but like you @LynT I’m becoming very picky about who I have in my life now. Purely self preservation I think.
Does anyone else get this a lot ? I feel the whole world apart from me, my kids and his dad have forgotten my husband even existed. And that hurts so much.
It’s not that they forget it’s that the whole emotional thing is twice removed and, yes, until they experience it themselves they’ll never know the true sense of losing someone close.
And I’d never wish that on anyone anyway.
Best to not expect too much from anyone and then we won’t be disappointed. But it’s hard. What we really need is people to “ get” it and empathise with us.
I think of my life now as being a bit like a tree, friends are the branches. Losing my husband has resulted in a lot of dead branches. At first I was surprised and tried to hang on to them. Then I just waited for all the dead wood to drop off.
What is left is healthy and worth keeping and looking after. The rest is not worth keeping or worrying about.
I don’t have to do anything about the wasted parts, they will just fall away.
No decisions to make.
Sorry, I don’t know what’s come over me, getting all lyrical and talking nonsense.
Xx
I fully understand.
Sadly many people have been very disappointing.
Big hug xx
Your not wrong and well put Willow. People only want me for there own agenda now, family included. Xxx
Yeah! I was getting all poetic there for a minute.
What I really meant was
“Bastards”. 
Yep - I need to get a bit tougher and agree. They are all bastards 
This week I’ve had 2 invites to parties/bbq by neighbours who can’t look me in the eye or have been able to offer me condolences. I do wonder how they would deal with me if I actually turned up. I now don’t even bother to reply to them as it’s invitation via card or text.
But 2 friends have really let me down. As well as my shitty family who “don’t know what to say “. And it hurts no matter how I try to pretend it doesn’t.
Saying something is better than nothing - why don’t they grow a pair or just google it. It’s not like there isn’t a shedload of grief information online !!!
Sorry - rant over.
Rest well all xx
It’s 9 weeks since my husband passed away and I feel ten times worse now than I did a few weeks ago. I can’t stop the tears every day, especially in the morning. It would have been our 10th wedding anniversary tomorrow and I just want to be with him. I hate my life as it is and don’t want to be here. I won’t do anything stupid, I’m not brave enough but nothing has any meaning. Everything is pointless. I know I’ve said all this before and you’re all probably fed up of reading the same thing, but there is no-one else I can tell how I feel.
I know we’re all in this together and people keep saying to me it takes time. I don’t want to be here on my own for the next however many years. I was on my own for over 20 years before I married my Bill and I’m not ready to do it again.
Guess I haven’t got a choice but I really don’t know how to carry on. 
Awww Harriet I understand all you say mine is 12 weeks on Sunday and the tears still fall. There isnt a day since he as passed that zi haven’t cried. Morning nights are all rolled into one. I also feel the pointless of been here but likewise I am a coward and wouldn’t do anything silly.
My family are all getting on with there lifes and most days I dont speak or see anyone in person.
But what choice do we have we either push forward taking all these feelings with us or give up. I hate been alone I have never been alone before. When I lost my first husband almost 20 yrs ago my son was home and I had my mum n dad. I have seen my son twice since losing Gra. I am here uf you want to talk. Xxx
I do understand, really I do, but your emotions are yours and unique to you, but I can remember feeling the same- what’s the point, no energy, I’d like to end it all but I’m a coward ( anyway my daughter would be distraught), how can I go on?
I understand a bit that people don’t know what to say because no words I have can make you feel better right now. And that’s what you want, comfort NOW. But it’s a matter of taking each day and grieving each day till they turn into weeks and months.
Reach out here. We know what it’s all about
I am feeling the same today. I had a couple of better days this week, but back in the doldrums again today.
Maybe tomorrow will be better. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for the ups and downs, I think I am better if I keep busy or see someone, but finding the enthusiasm or energy to do either is another challenge.
Sending hugs to everyone that wants one.
Xx
Thank you jevncute.
I’ve just been “proper” shopping for the first time on my own. Not to the place Bill and I always went (can’t face that yet). Trouble is, last time I went to the supermarket I’ve been to today, Bill was with me on his mobility scooter. I managed to get round without making a fool of myself,
but sobbed all the way home.
Well done Harriet its a start, the tears fall for ages but you do learn to hold them in until your alone. Its such a hard lonely journey. Hugs jo xxx
I have freedom to do what I want ( money permitting) but I feel lost not having someone to do anything with. It was so simple before when Bridget was around ( before dementia). Go for a drive, walk, visit somewhere, see friends ( not many have remained).
Keep busy they say. Doing what? Have a hobby, join a club, get a fresh interest. All ok if you have the motivation. Today I left my car keys in the Morrison trolley, went back to collect them only to find I’d left my phone on top of the car😩. I’m all over the place.
Better go home before something else happens
This is me too, I miss having someone to do things with, I have friends but they have their own lives and families too and I have no family left now and no children. I am further ahead than you, my husband died 17mths ago and slowly and with great effort I am meeting new people. I am not a join this or that club type of person, I am also very social and outgoing. You can’t force motivation but I believe over time you reach a point where you want to find a new life and that’s when you begin to try new things. I went on a cruise and I met someone, we exchanged numbers but I thought nothing of it as not ready for a relationship but he continued contacting me and at a slow pace I agreed to meet and was surprised just how much I missed male company. I am taking things very slowly and been upfront with him that I only want companionship, whether or not that changes I don’t know. I still love and miss my husband and noone will replace him but I need to live a new life so I am clawing my way through it and slowly beginning to find some joy. We all go through different stages of grief, we all have different needs, wants, etc but it’s important to allow ourselves to take comfort and enjoyment from life again when we feel ready and able to do so
Hi Harriet,
I really do know how you feel, yesterday was just an awful day for me, I felt like nothing mattered and my head was all over the place. Never fed up of hearing how you feel, we have all been there and still get days that make you feel like you are going crazy. Try not to think too far ahead, its that what makes me feel really bad, I sometimes make mistakes doing things that Pete would have done, but then something goes right. Hes been gone for 11 months now and feeling worse some days than I did at the start, we all have our own way of coping through the day, so always chat to us on here, yesterday it helped me get through the day just reading how others felt. Please look after yourself. Sending hugs and love xx
Thank you jantee. 
Just like you, I do not look far ahead. I can’t cope with at and I think it frightens me.
Also, this is the place to express how you feel, what is causing distress or worrying you.
So I hate to think that anyone would feel they cannot do that here.
Although in the past when I have posted about bad times, I did feel guilty.
That is ‘Here I am moaning to others who are also suffering’.
Sending love and hugs to everyone,
Rose xx
I lost my husband 19 months ago and have lost some friends as well… I look back and they were never really close friends or good friends, just coming to our anniversary party and funeral to be nosy no doubt. This has definitely hardened me and I really don’t have much empathy now.
I’m lucky enough to have some lovely supportive friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin, and have listened to me and we share memories of my husband. I know that they don’t get it and don’t really understand but why would they. They have never walked in my shoes and I know I would never have got it if they lost one of their partners.
I have also been lucky to meet some lovely people on this site and we have become friends and meet up regularly, went to Benidorm in May for a few days. I have joined widowed and walking uk and have met up with some lovely people on that site.
Would I rather have my old life back…yes definitely 
. I am just keeping busy filling my time. What else can I do Xx