I'm new-lost and empty

Losing a partner
1

The whole thing feels so unreal and I feel as if he never existed.
Although there is full of evidence around me that
he so existed.

My husband of 35 years.
My only man since I was 20.
This not making any sense.

I still keep the same bedding as when he died almost a month ago
from terminal cancer- he had less than 2 months since the diagnosis.
After his death I slept 4 nights with his dead body in this same bed
where he stopped breathing.
Now when I go to bed I cover myself with tons of his old t shirts and
the bed is such a mess and I don’t care.
I cry because I am sad-for- what?
He is not here now and not in pain anymore-he can not know a thing
like when he was here in his body.

So I am sad about what? am I crying just because I am sorry for myself?
Is it all about what I feel?
Do I just want to feel -better?
So is it about how and where to source fun and pleasure in my life
instead of pain?

I saw the colleague of my husband. I could see he genuinely
missed my husband and I could feel his sadness, which gave me
sense of comfort.
Me and my husband were very private as a couple and did not really
have friends.(so he was the closest to a friend)
I was just happy with my husband and our boys in our little world.
During this terrible time my neightbours and healthcare professionals
were very kind and helpful and I cannot thank them enough.
They touched my heart and the hugs they gave made me feel better.

But-I don’t get hugs from men.Just because there isn’t any men around
me and when I got hug from this man-I liked it.
I liked the feel of man’s arms around me which I missed so much.
I think it felt special because he was grieving with me, he seemed to be rather sensitive type of person that made me feel the hug was a bit personal.

So is it-that?
Is that what I want, that feel?
Could it be from anything or anywhere and anyone-if its entirely about
my perception only-?

So when I cry, do I cry for my husband? Or do I cry for the things I miss-
like this feel I got from the hug?

I feel like he never existed, and I don’t really exist either.
nobody and nothing really exist.
But what really do exist is this sadness, pleasure, guilt, confusion.
They exist-and I feel like we are just vessels for these feelings
to happen,we don’t own them.

I think I’m somewhat trying to make sense to what’s happening.
I had a bad couple of days of crying.
I want this man to sit next to me so I can cry next to him,
as it seems like a possible thing to happen-opposed to bringing
my husband back.
But I probably won’t see the man again.

I don’t know what to do or not to do.
I certainly don’t know what I want to do.
I wonder when I can get back to life.

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2

My thoughts are that you should go to your doctors and try to sort out some counselling, I hear and understand your deep distress, as will others in this forum.
When my wife first died, 15 months ago, my grief and sadness was for her, as time goes by I believe we are grieving for ourselves, our loved ones are not in pain and are at rest but we are the ones in pain and have to try to make a life without them.
Seek out counselling.
Best wishes.

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3

So sorry for your loss.
My husband also only lived for 6 weeks after the terminal diagnosis.
I don’t know what to say apart from the fact that what you’re feeling is normal.
Your mind is in total turmoil as you try to come to terms with all of this.
I think going for counselling could be very helpful for you.
I’m 15 weeks in now and some days I feel like I’m coping and other days I’m a crying wreck. Which apparently is normal too. Its the rollercoaster we all have to ride to try and get through this.
Please keep posting here, it does really help. Everyone on here understands because we are all going through it.

Sending big hugs x

4

I had a couple of counselling sessions at home-after that, my son moved back in with me,and I stopped.I can carry on as the councelling helped,but am supposed to go to hospice to get one now, and I don’t want to- because it reminds me too much.Last time I saw my husband walked was the walk to the taxi from the hospice door. :smiling_face_with_tear:I’m unsettled and have no energy to get out and do anything.Talking here and reading posts here helps.Having my son helps too.

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5

Thank you for encouranging me to keep posting-as I was a bit hesitant
to write some things.That’s why I find comfort here, as some things are a bit too raw to share with any person, even a councellor.
I am feeling the same as you- some days ok-I was ok on the funeral day 10 days ago, and now I get up in tears and go to bed in tears.
Take care x

6

I am 3 years down the line with my husband it was unexpected he died of a heart attack in my arms we were married nearly forty years he was my everything kind good looking tall and broad I am still struggling missing the hugs and the kisses I am still jealous of couples who were our age and older I still feel I have nothing but I decided he would not want me to live my life like this so I am trying to make the best life I can for him until we meet again.I know he is with me most of the time as I smell his cigarette smoke and even the deodorant he used to wear What you are going through is normal ,I have just about learnt to cope with it but still have my cry days which won’t ever go away .Good luck to you and one day you will be able to cope sending big hugs

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7

I’m glad I’ve helped if only a little.
Yes on here you can share anything, no one will judge or tell you what to do.

Big hugs x

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8

I’m crying reading your post. I hope one day I will find strength like yours too.I left him unattended in the bedroom for some 10 mins,when I came back I found him not breathing anymore.I can’t wait these painful memories to be replaced by other memrories of our times we had together.People tell me that he is with me, his spirit is-I wish I can feel that.

9

Ah yes conflicting emotions … not everybody will understand how you feel :frowning: grief is love with nowhere to go … but i totally.understand you when you say how nice it was to get a hug from a man … thats only natural after losing your beloved husband :frowning: And why shouldnt you ? Nothing wrong with that! Will you not see.him again ? take care xxx

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10

So sorry for your loss and pain your having to deal with. It’s so awful this grief and never ending. Nobody knows or can feel the pain your going through unless they have been through it. So you are in good company on here :hugs:

11

Medama just know that people on here understand. I’m new here & already feel comfortable.
Keep posting, let it all out. I’m nearly 4 years widowed & not going to pretend it’s a ball, that’s why I’ve joined because I still struggle. The key is finding what works for you & I hope I have with this online community, even if I was slow to find it.
You found the strength to log on so soon , keep checking in if you can.
Thinking of you xx

12

Thank you everyone, it’s quite amazing how
exchanging messages here can help-I’m happy to
have found this place,where you find so many people who are
going through this painful path-
I lost my dad, cousin,friend and 2 in-laws all in 2023,
but losing your other half is completely different.
It’s true grief is love with nowhere to go-I feel it’s trapped inside me,
almost spinning trying to find the way out!
I don’t understand how I miss my husband so much and
think about some other man (I find him pleasant but I don’t even know him)
putting arms around me at the same time.
Part of me feels it’s rather normal,part of me says it’s wrong.
He says I can ask him anything that could help-
well,other people say that too, but honestly- I wonder
what could I possibly ask (without sarcasm)?

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13

@medama

So sorry for the loss of you husband :broken_heart:

The grief of loosing a lifes partner is like no other. The thoughts and feelings you get are surreal.

Yes lots of people offer help “if you need anything just ask” but I never took people up on their offers (except family) I did at times think about asking them to do a trip run or help wallpaper just to see what they said :rofl:

I also sometimes think why do I miss my partner so much after all he was just a man and I’ll see him again…it’s cruel how your brain works. Of course I’ll miss him every day for the rest of my life, he was my everything, I loved him tremendously.

Your thinking about the other man because your probably craving the love and all that come with it. The cuddles, tenderness and the feeling of being special. It’s not wrong that you feel this way, whatever your feeling is right for you. If your missing male company maybe invite him for a bru.

Xx.

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14

Take it steady and try to rely on family for now ! Youre very early days and will be extremely vulnerable at the moment !! X

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15

I was feeling a bit this way(why do I miss him?) shortly after he was gone.
Especially I normally do not look back/think about the past so much
because you can do things only toward to the future.
And then, I can not see the future now can I?

I know people offer help to be nice-but I don’t think they know either
what they can do? Yes that idea is quite tempting-please let us know if
you do it,I’m curious too :rofl:

This man is in touch with me more as a representative from work,
so yes he offered help like everyone else, but I feel I shouldn’t
really even share my feelings/distress.
Anyway I live with my grown up son now,he is watching me :laughing:
so I will behave well and responsibly.
(or will I?)

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16

@medama

The thoughts while grieving are mad aren’t they!

Hopefully we will all be ok, I’m sure we will.

If you want to talk and a friend is available to support you then you should absolutely talk about your feelings and distress if that’s what you need. I personally prefer to talk on here.

If you can’t miss behave at home, go miss behave elsewhere :rofl::stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

Xx

17

Please grieve and feel what you need to feel. That’s fine.
But please be careful.
You are vulnerable
Don’t let anyone take advantage.
And listen to your son

18

Today I listened to some dark gloomy songs and
my son made me some cream puffs :blush:and I was sorted.
Really, I can be fine that way-chatting here, some fantasy stuff
and love from my sons-I have always been that way anyway,
just this time minus the husband :smiling_face_with_tear:
Misbehaviour would be only in my wild dreams x

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19

I am 56 have one grown up son age 28 living with me, I lost my husband nearly 9 weeks ago suddenly to heart attack , I hd two previous crap marriages was with my nick nearly 24 years but we only had 17 months of marriage . I know he was the one for me the one who taught me unconditional love because I have never felt the way I did with him than anyone else , I certainly did not feel the way I did on my wedding day with Nick as I did with the past two marriages , I can’t accept he has been taken away from me , I still have his clothes all around me a jumper of his in the bed , his ashes are now in a urn on the left hand side of the bedroom where he always was , just so I know he is there, when people say “in time etc “ well I don’t want to get over him ! To me he is still my husband and the thought of 30+ years without him , why?? X

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20

I’m 52and have my 23 year old son and 18 year old daughter live with me , still feel so alone without my wife though . It’s 3 months today since she died and like you the thought of 20-30 years without her fills me with dread , in fact I know I can’t / won’t do it , I don’t want to meet anyone else and will never stop saying I’m married ( nor take my ring off ) . For me having a list of things I promised her ( in the chapel before the funeral ) I would do for the kids keeps me going and I live day to day , if I were to focus on 20-30 years without her then to be honest I doubt I would make it to tomorrow.

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