I’m on week 18 of this crap path.
I think this is still classed as early. My counselling has finished. I know what i need to do but I’m afraid. I need to start doing more. I haven’t driven in years, Sue used to do it. So i need refresher courses. I am making my self catch the bus to Alnwick. I do shopping once a week.
I am doing more around the house,but the garden is s mess. I have never been a confident person and losing Sue has taken away my only support. I have not talked to family or friends in over a week. I got told i would get 2 calls this weekend, but no. I have still not seen them since my wife’s funeral in February. They do live over 100 miles away. I go to bereavement cafe which helps. I am scared and the only person who can help is not here. I am 57 and i see no future.
So sorry mate it’s bloody hard. I am only 12 weeks in, but at least I can drive.
My family also live away from me, but they have been helping as much as they can. I think they do have their own lives to live, so try not to bother them too much.
I think the main issue is that people don’t understand how the loss of a partner affects you, unless they have also had a loss. 
I try to do some tasks each day. I’ve done the washing and moved some stuff back into a room that had been painter on the weekend. The main person I see that can help is myself.
Keep chatting here and talk to others at the bereavement cafe. You will learn to get through this. Take care
It really is still very early but the fact you’re taking small steps to help yourself is incredibly brave.
Looking after yourself is so important so keep going to the bereavement cafe, keep taking the bus and maybe one day you’ll phone a driving instructor and explain your situation, find one who is sympathetic, and have a lesson or two.
Stepping out of your confort zone isn’t easy but just stop, breathe, and look how far you’ve come already…
Stop by here and tell people how you’re feeling, how you’re doing, they’ll look out for you.
The people who don’t call… they really don’t know what to say, or how to say it and they don’t want to upset you. Maybe you could send them a note or text if you don’t feel up to making a phone call? Thank them for being at the funeral, say you’d love to hear from them, and if there’s no response, you’ve done your bit…
I fully understand the feeling of ‘no future’ but there is. We just arrive there in different ways, and at different times and you will always have your wife’s love to help carry you.
Hugs
@Nightwish1 , I lost my husband 11th January, we were walking along the street and he collapsed and died of an embolism. He was never ill and it was so shocking. I had just had my 60th birthday and was so looking forward to our future. We loved travelling and had so many plans. I also lost my dad, like you. I was 43 when he died. I do drive but he always drove long distances . I have been with him since I was 17. I also see no future although I do have lots of support but no one knows what it is like. I am keeping going for my two sons 29 and 30. One of them was able to get to the scene when his dad collapsed and held his head while he took his last breath. The other one lives abroad so had to ring him and tell him. We have the ashes and don’t know what to do with them yet. I thought I was doing ok a month ago, but now I feel worse. I do know how you feel . It is scary thinking I could be another 20 years or so without him, although I still have my mum and she was 63 when Dad died. It is a petrifying thought, I totally agree with you .
I am sorry for your loss.
Sue died officially 2 days after my birthday on the 25th January. I am glad you have support and hopefully using it.
It is scary the thought of a future without that special one. How you’re life changes in a month. Dad not unexpected but Sue i was hoping for a bit longer,not to go on her first chemotherapy.
I have never been alone before, living at home till i married Sue, then 33 years of a good marriage. No kids that was her choice and as seen as it was her body i did not argue. I love Sue and life without her is scary.
I’m just over 10 weeks in and also scared for the first time at the age of 62 . Jeff was the confident one, and although I don’t class myself as a shrinking violet his death has knocked my confidence out of the water . I have anxiety attacks most days and have never experienced these before . Jeff did most of the driving and I can still run around town I can’t drive any distance I don’t think . It makes your world feel so small doesn’t it .
Refresher course sounds like a good plan for the driving . I can’t do food shopping yet . I get online orders from Morrisons . Can just about pop into a local shop for one or two items, but food shopping is a real trigger for me . I even cry doing it online - meals for one etc , I used to love cooking for us both .
I’m lucky to have a sister close by ,but she’s older and lost her husband 2 years ago. so I should be looking after her really . I have a handful of good friends who try and keep me occupied , but even when I’m with them I’m lonely . Maybe your friends and family don’t know what to say to you , could you call them ? People are odd and very uncomfortable around grief , but that doesn’t excuse their lack of contact . Do friends live nearby ? I’ve found that some of my friends haven’t been in contact as much as I’d hope because they think they’re doing the right thing by giving me space and waiting for me to contact them .
Keep talking and good luck with the driving .
I’m 8 months in and still have anxiety attacks (which I’ve never had before) I wake up anxious, worrying about something happening before it’s even happened! From being a confident strong woman I feel now like I don’t even know myself. Hopefully this will pass
My birthday was December 25th. John bought me 60 presents for my 60th birthday. Who would have thought it would be our last Christmas day. Those presents now make me feel so sad. We were also married 33 years although we were together 7 years before that. My dads passing was expected. He had leukemia which was awful in another way. I remember John putting his trainers on that morning, absolutely fine, ten minutes later he was gone. Am so sorry for your loss and also everyone else on here. Whether it is expected or sudden, both are awful in their own way. X
Hi JeanetteR1.
10 weeks in i hope you are looking after yourself. Food shopping is hard, i generally go to a M&S foodhall for the ready meals. I have broken down in tears, i think the staff are used to me know. Its hard, i think Sue would be amazed at some of the stuff i get. I hate not having her next to me . Then again i dislike meal time as well, just sat on my own, with the tv on and not watching it.
The friend thing didn’t use to bother me as like most people here, we were just so happy to be together. To see each other happy. I gave family and friends something to remember Sue by. A piece of her favourite jewellery or one of her ornaments. I kept the really special ones. I wear her wedding and eternity rings on a chain she got me. It just scary a life without her.
Cloudsky,
That sounds like one special birthday. I hope it is a good memory for you.
I am afraid for me Christmas day was the day my dad went. The strange thing is i get more upset remembering it was the last time Sue made me a cup of coffee.
I told Sue on my birthday, she had not been able to get me a card or anything ( i did not expect anything) that she had to make it up to me next year. That made her smile and laugh for the last time. Now I’m crying again.
Please don’t be so harsh with yourself. Everyone on here can offer support or help
We all know that grief is unbearable.
Hopefully through time the hurt will ease.
@Nightwish1 I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m 52 and I lost my husband who was also 52 to SADS (Sudden Arrythmic Death Syndrome) in March.
Life without him is so grey. I don’t find joy in anything but I carry on for our teenage son.
Just know that you are not alone. We are all in this club that nobody ever wanted to join. Sharing our story and supporting each other is all we can do.
Warmest of hugs x
Thank you for your kind posts. I am sorry you too are on this path, and to know we are not alone is help.
Sue was the practical one, i was the romantic. So like everyone else here i have lost my everything. A year ago today we went to Bletchley park. A place she always wanted to go,do i am glad we did it and to see her happy. So now i just feel lost and scared of a future without her.
What a day to get my eyes tested.
Greetings from Germany, I’m Tony.
We seem to be experiencing some of the same moments. I counted 108 days since my Heidi left to heaven, not only did she looked out for me, healthwise, nourishment, medication, bills, work in our apartment like washing, cleaning, all the things that you could imagine, Jesus when I do some of those things I feel guilt for it is hard work, I wish I could have been more of assistance to her but she always wanted to please me. My days have no closure it seems I have so much to do, I try to do as she did but every time I follow her footsteps it hits me so hard and break down into tears. Now I’m stuck here in Germany with so much that I don’t understand or know how to take care of, cooking for myself is a challenge, the sound of the stove reminds me hearing her cooking, I just spent this past weekend with friends on our campground where Heidi and I spent most of our days together, I finished many projects and the weekend prior to her death we were so proud and happy to see how it looked, I remember her smiling with joy.
I’m lost now, when I’m alone there my chest feels like it’s caving in, I can’t breathe
At home I try to take care of our garden, she loved it, and watched me work, helped me and after we sat a while. It seems like there is no end in sight for this suffering, so I can imagine how you feel but all I can hope for is that if there is a better way to cope that we can find it. God help us, I never thought that after so many years together and all jokes I made that I would loose her, my birthday is next month on the 11th will be turning 68 just like her, I dread this day because she will not be here, I will probably die of sadness I see no happiness in sight, I’m in trouble I need help, oh god I need help.
Hello Tony, there’s just no explaining to a person who hasn’t lost a partner just how devastating this terrible loss is. It was 8 weeks yesterday that my husband Ian died. He’d been ill with idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis which gradually accelerated to the point he was on oxygen all day and all night for a year. The struggles to breathe were awful. We always walked. Those were our holidays - walking in the Hebrides, Lake District, all over the place. Then his life was reduced to sitting in his chair, attached to an oxygen machine. We were together for 55 years and I don’t know how on earth I can go on without him. He died here at home. He made me promise I wouldn’t let them send him to hospital, though there was nothing that could’ve been done for him there, anyway. I was beside him as he died. I miss him so, so much. I don’t know what to do with myself. I went for a walk with my son along a local beach yesterday, but without Ian there walking alongside me, I just felt as if there wasn’t any point.
Look after yourself, Tony. Every one of us on this forum understands how you feel.
Hi Tony,
Do they do counselling in Germany? It has helped me to be honest ,i don’t think i would be here without. I know its not for everyone. Or a bereavement group ?
This grief is hard the feelings of struggling, lost and scared and loneliness. All we can do is try and support each other. So if you need to rant or ramble, please do so, as I am afraid we are on the path. Each path is different as we are all different. What works for one, might not work for the other. So as they say one step at a time. Yes i am scared about my future without Sue and thinking i will not know happiness again.
It’s 8 months since my husband died with IPF. Henhad become breathless, went to surgery, saw a nurse who said it was a chest infection and gave him antibiotics. It didn’t help. Two more prescriptions for antibiotics failed to help and resulted in him being rushed to hospital as his oxygen levels had dropped significantly to warrant being taken into hospital. Two days later we were informed the he actually had IPF/ILD and was on end of life palliative care hour by hour. The shock was unbelievable, going from chest infection to end of life care. He was 78 and, until that point other than becoming breathless a few weeks prior had shown no indication of anything being wrong with him. He died a week after that diagnosis, peacefully and pain free thank goodness so I cannot imagine what you went through with your husband being on oxygen for all that time. For him it was peaceful, for myself, my daughters & granddaughters it was devastating. It is would be our 57th wedding anniversary on June 8th. The reason for this reply is to tell you that you will go on without him. It is hard and it is a journey none of us want to take but on this forum we all understand.
Thank you so much for your reply, Abbiesnan. You would know exactly how it was with my husband. Ian had no pain either, thankfully, but his struggles to breathe were just so awful. I know I shouldn’t dwell on those struggles but at the moment I can’t help it. I suppose it’s early days yet. I was frightened all of the time, but couldn’t let him see that, obviously. I felt I couldn’t leave him for long, in case he needed me. Life became narrower and narrower, but it didn’t matter, because I just wanted to be here with him. We had our ups and downs over the 55 years we were together, just as any couple does, but we would’ve done anything for each other.
IPF is a cruel disease, with no hope of recovery. I’m glad he’s no longer suffering, but oh god, I miss him so much.
Its hard after all its only been 18 weeks. It is still raw. I lost my own partner on valentines day this year.
Try not to be too hard on yourself. You are a human being with emotions.
The driving is just a matter of gaining your confidence back. Once you get behind that wheel im sure it will feel like second nature. Ok dont worry about the garden for now. If you can afford it get a gardener just to keep it tidy.
You do a little cleaning, let me tell you i havent even got the energy for that. Hats off to you. Grief is a strange thing, im sure it works in weird ways to heal us all so that we can continue our journey through life. Good luck to you on your journey
I understand. I miss my husband so much it is physical pain. Almost 57n years married and 3 years together before that, so a life time.I don’t know that I will ever get over it, but I hve to take one day at a time, as do you. Sending hugs xx