Hi Lynnandy,
I am sorry for your loss. I know grief is strange. This new reality is hard. Some people go cleaning crazy others go the opposite. I guess what’s scary is these feelings of emptiness and loneliness. Its like people say ours lives used to be in colour and now it’s grey.
Sometimes i think i should be further down the path, but then what is 18 weeks to 33 years of marriage or any time when you are with your everything. Plus lets be honest this path will never end, we just learn hopefully to live with the constant pain. I hope you are looking after yourself.
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You will have a future, it’s just not the one you wanted more than anything. I’m in the same boat. Distractions will help. If you are not getting friends and family to respond, don’t hesitate to join a group that does some hobby you’re interested in or do something you’ve always wanted to do. Just remember it’s still very early for you. You loved her so much it’s only natural that you grieve and suffer without her. But everyone says it will get better over time which I want to believe. I thought this poem sounded accurate. Be warned: you will cry.
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Beautiful, thanks for sharing that. It really is, just how it feels.
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You are exactly right. Im 16 weeks in. We learn to live with the grief, i think it never goes away.
I read an analogy about grief. Imagine yourself in the middle of the ocean, just floating, then comes the waves, sometimes they may be 50feet tall, or just 5 foot tall. However you will survive each wave. Of course it will be a struggle until eventually we are the ones doing the crashing (in a good way). We see that wave coming and we crash through it.
18 weeks is only a short time to be grieving. It takes as long as it takes. Everyone is different. Im bobbing along at the moment. The sea is calm. I dont know how big the next wave will be. But i know i will come out the other side.
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Thank you for sharing. That is just what it feels like. 50 foot waves…
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Hi, i am really sorry about your loss. I lost my husband a year ago, and I still feel the pain every day. It’ not easy losing someone you truly loved.
He was the strong one in the relationship.
He has done all the planning and organising all the bills and paperwork. And the driving and gardening. And he was so supporting to my needs. He would do nearly everything because he didn’t want me to be stressed. He was a true gentleman.
But i had to learn everything from the beginning, since he’s gone. Which was so scary. But he shared his wisdom and knowledge with me, which i wasn’t aware of. When he died, I only realised where did i get to be so wise and so organised as it was from my husband. It’s a long path to recover and i am still on that path. Some days, i break down in tears.
But it’s my private grief that i have to deal with. I don’t see much of my family. Some are busy with their lives, and some don’t want to know.
You will get stronger every day. And you will have to learn new things every day. But be proud of yourself. It’s learning to be independent again. My faith in God keeps me living as well.
Gods a big help.
Please look after number one and that’s you. Take care 
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Thank you, LoveNeil ,
I am sorry you are on this path as well. I am glad you have found a little comfort in your beliefs. I want to believe i will be with Sue again.
Take care and look after yourself.
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18 weeks is no time and grief affects everyone in different ways.
I still pop by this site even though it’s over 3 years since my husband passed away. You say you’re only 57. I’m 57 next week on the same day as our wedding anniversary.
My story is he had less than five weeks from diagnosis to passing. Very early on I decided that I wasn’t going to sink. But my god did I flounder for a while. Move on 3 years and I’ve met someone newish. I’ve known of him since we were young. I’ve built a new chapter in the book of my life. Nobody can write it except you. I am happy again but not a day goes by where I don’t think of the life I’ve lost.
I suppose it just shows there can be glimmer of light at the end of a dark tunnel. Look after yourself and take it a day at a time.
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Thank you Magz.
Its nice to know there is some light. It’s just at the moment you know.
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Yes, that really says it all beautifully. Thank you.
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Dear @Nightwish1 thank you so much for your heartfelt message and letting us share in your anguish. We all feel it and I hope we all carry it for each other, if it only lightens the load just a little, for just a time.
I am also 57. Seven months ago, my loving, healthy husband of 27 years went out for a surf (we live in Southern California). A rogue wave threw him against the ocean floor, cracked his skull in five places and he died of fatal brain injury less than twenty-four hours later. (“He was doing what he loved,” is still so hard to hear.).
I agree with everything you’ve said and find solace reading the messages and advice everyone here has shared.
The way people talk about this time - the grief journey, doing the grief work, navigating your loss, bereavement, mourning - none of it has ever felt right to me …. until you just now said it perfectly, it’s a “crap path.” I will forever thank you for that.
I had such a good life with my husband. We hiked and danced and sang and drank too much wine and meditated. We were good to our friends, tended our community garden, worked hard, cared for each other and our family. Why do I get to ask for more? When will what we had be enough?
I pray someday to make peace, to let the love we shared keep us and protect us.
Until then, there is no right or wrong way to survive this. Just do what you can.
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@Cloudysky I am sorry for your loss … I wanted to reply because I am with you on the ashes, I don’t know what to do with them either.
My husband’s mother asked for me to ‘bring some of them’ when we visited her last month … I ordered a very artful small urn. Then left it in the box for a couple of weeks. Finally, midnight before we were set to travel, all things packed in the suitcase, I had to just force myself to do it.
The urn came with a small paper funnel. And forced me to stand in the kitchen making horrendous decisions - spoon, measuring cup? And then not being prepared for dust.
If my mother in law hadn’t asked I don’t know that I would have been able to do it.
But it is doable.
Highly emotional, anxiety triggering, and not recommend to go it alone.
I still have my own urn for our home that I haven’t been able to address. If we could do it over, would we pay to have the cremation service do it for us? It would certainly be easier. But then again, I feel like somehow these ‘milestones’ are somehow important … perhaps to know there are things we can’t do yet, don’t think we can ever do … and then when it’s done, know we’ve done it when we finally could. Something in there about awareness and non-judgment, I guess.
Sent with love and gratitude, r.
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I have seen this a few times today and it reminds me I, too, am staying strong for my son. I don’t always feel like I am doing a good job. I feel like I want to talk with him more deeply, understand what he’s going through, share some of what I am feeling … and I also don’t want to make him sad, keep reminding him of our loss. If any tips, please share …
With love and gratitude, r.
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I had my wife’s ashes interred in the church where we got married.
It meant we had to have 2 funeral services but I wanted her to be at peace in the church rather than being carried around in an urn until it’s my time
Morning nightwish1, i can empathise. Everyone said that i was the confident strong one but not really. I lost all that when Maureen passed away, she was my soul mate & i felt like not only my heart had been ripped out but my backbone too. I didn’t think i’d cope without her, we went everyehere together, literally 24/7. I cared for her & my purpose in life had gone. I don’t know how but gradually i did get stronger & i do manage. It is just a different journey for all of us. My so cslled friends weren’t there after the funeral & i have no close family. I really hope things start to improve you & take care:revolving_hearts:
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Morning scamp. Sorry for your loss my friend. I understand what you are going through. I feel it every day.
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Dear Robinarielle,
Thank you for your reply and i am sorry you find yourself on this crap path. Please keep posting if it helps. It’s strange how we can talk about are fears to strangers more then other people. It just helps knowing we are not alone.
The ashes, my wife is in my front room at the moment. I am if i feel strong enough to scatter her on her favourite beach, about 5 miles away. If i don’t, i got my own funeral arranged and it is part of it that my ashes will be spread with Sue’s on the beach. Which i like the idea of.
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Hi Scamp1,
Thank you for your reply. It is nice to know there is hope on this path. Please look after yourself.
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[quote=“Scamp1, post:35, topic:104889”]
I didn’t think i’d cope without her, we went everyehere together, literally 24/7. I cared for her & my purpose in life had gone
[/quote] Scamp, that could have been me writing that. My Darling had Parkinson’s and I had cared for her for over 20 years. You are right, I am still missing her, but I think I am managing a little better. People think I am strong and independent but the shell is paper thin. Thanks for your post.
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@Robinarielle I did have a ring made with the ashes, also a little butterfly ornament. One of my sons had a ring made and the other son had a tealight. One of my sons lives in Germany and he has realised you are not allowed to take ashes back. He is coming back to the UK in 2 weeks for a visit so we will see. I am trying to do my utmost to be there for my 2 sons. They miss their dad so much. One has an important decision to make job wise and he would have discussed it in detail with his dad. I did get a little pouch of ashes left over from the jewellery and am thinking we will scatter them in the garden when my son is here. The rest, I have no idea. We thought about out at sea as he worked on oil rigs all of his life and we do live by the sea, but I cannot see me doing that for a long time. You did well sorting the ashes for your mother in law. Love to you xxxx
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