Thank you, Rob05. My ‘reason for being’ is no longer here. I did everything for him as time went on and we managed fine without any care coming in. Everything took him so long to do, because of his acute breathlessness, and it would have made him more anxious if he thought carers were having to wait for him to be able to move about. I was always on the lookout for when he needed what he called his ‘panic-pill’, the tiny Lorazepam which calmed him a bit. Always watching, always thinking ahead. I wouldn’t have had it any other way, it was my privilege to care for him.
It’s really hitting me now.
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Mossgiel, Exactly we did not have carers in. I wouldn’t have had it any other way, it was my privilege to care for her. We loved them. 
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I think I am on about week 18, I don’t really count because most of the time I don’t even know what day it is, my head is so mixed up. To be honest, I still think he will come back soon, is that madness? Because I feel quite mad.
The shock of losing my husband so unexpectedly, has killed off a lot of brain cells, I try to function normally, but god, it’s hard!
I thought I was doing okay, some days, I’m sure I am, but today is not one of those days.
I miss him intensely, I want him so much, I don’t know what to do with myself.
Maybe that’s how grief works, good and bad days, and it’s bad days for me at the moment.
My enthusiasm is low too, I can’t really be bothered with anything, or anyone.
I suppose it’s the way it is, I wish I could see him again, hold him again, but it’s not going to happen, is it?
Love to all of you travelling this heartbreaking path xx
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Thank you for your support.
I hope we can support each other. The phone calls i rang them. It’s like people say even us before,we started on this path do not understand this grief. My counselling finished, but i go to a bereavement coffee morning, every 2nd or 4th Tuesday of the month. Which does help.
I know life goes on, but just to sit down with someone who knew Sue and talk about her. Even at Sue’s funeral people did not really talk about her. I think they were worried about upsetting me,but that what i wanted(not to be upset). Take care everyone.
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Your words so resonated with me. Everyday I say out loud ‘please come back’. It’s seeing all their belongings - even something as mundane as their favourite knife! How can that be still here and he’s not? I suffered health problems as a result of grief which makes coping so much harder. Waking up each morning alone and facing the day is very hard, but I do speak out loud to him all the time - it really helps. The only way I have found to cope is to find the few things that give me a lift and just do them regularly - sitting in my garden watching the birds with a nice coffee, going for a walk and speaking - even if just ‘hello’, watching escapist tv, all help. I don’t believe any of us can ‘come back’ but there are mysteries not resolved by religion or science about where that special part of us goes, so I just live in hope that one day….who knows? Xx
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Morning Arti
Thanks.
I shout, and even scream ‘please come back’ most days. I talk to him a lot, and sometimes I shout at him for leaving me, I tell him, it should have been me first.
You’re right, there are mysterious surrounding where we go after this life, but there are times that I feel (or maybe imagine him) here with me. I see things out of the corner of my eye, and believe it’s him.
I do find comfort in the garden, although, in the first few months, I never
thought I would. He used to sit on a bench by the pond, when he was having a break from working on his computer. He loved watching the dragonflies. I have started to sit there, but sometimes it is too painful. xx
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Flints and Arti. Because of my Darling wife’s Parkinson’s we had separate rooms. She had an electric bed that she could adjust if she was uncomfortable and she also had vivid dreams due to the medication, she liked to have the TV on all the time on the Challenge channel, quizzes etc. which was calming for her. She had a doorbell so if she needed me she just pressed it. The other night I heard her doorbell, I must have dreamed it but I was halfway to her room at about 3.30 am before I was awake enough to realise that it could not be. I was certain that I had heard the bell. Maybe Elizabeth was just keeping me on my toes.
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I know, that’s why I could never leave my home (even though it feels overwhelming in size and upkeep some days) but his presence is so ‘real’. There’s an appropriate saying ‘death ends a life but it doesn’t end a relationship’. The love goes on. X
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I think perhaps what you experienced is called a hypnogogic dream! I had such a real one where I could hug my hubby and spoke to him. It only happened once, sadly! But there are more things in heaven and earth! X
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I can mirror everything you have said.
Thinking I see things out of corner of my eye definitely resonates with me.
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I would love a dream like that, need a cuddle so badly, missing him so very much. x
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I get a feeling his presence is often here, but it could just be wishful thinking.
I know he would be here if he could xx
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I keep wishing it would happen again - it was so comforting. I do think they leave a strong presence in the house. As I was coming downstairs one day last week there was a really strong smell of porridge- he had that winter and summer for his breakfast! Half expected (hoped) to see him sitting at the table!
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Last week, one morning I woke up, and there was a familiar aroma in the bedroom, I was half asleep, so I couldn’t put my finger on what it was, I was trying to remember if I had used a different body wash, then later, when I got up, I realised it was the smell of Paco Rabanne, weird, but I felt comforted.
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@Johnr … Correct … I know it is viewed as a bit of a cliche, but this hell we are all forced to live in is truly more painful and scary than anyone could possibly imagine unless they have been there themselves. I knew it would be bad and horrible… But I had no perception of how deeply bad and horrible it is. And is there a clear way out?.. Nope. In all truth, there seems to be no way out, just, hopefully, some ‘lessening’ it seems to me at the moment. It seems that this is me. now.
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There is no way out unfortunately, just a lessening of the pain. I have a friend who lost her husband 24 years ago, he was only in his 40’s. She tells me that it does get better, it never goes away, but we get better at dealing with it and learn to cope better as time goes on. I certainly hope so because I’m almost 9 months in and the pain is still raw, and I still suffer with anxiety and have panic attacks. So here’s hoping that we will all be able to post on here in a few years time that we are feeling better & coping better even though we will never actually get over it. Time will tell.
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Feels like i can relate so decided to replay, maybe it will help us both. Lost my wife on 28th jan, im 46 and no kids. Im writing this on the back of a bad day in which ive cried for hours on and off… but its a day out of increasingly more peaceful days, just accepting you will have bad daysxand letting them flow helps you accept the grief as part of you now. Ive suprised myself how ive made it so far but here i am looking for peer support. I know im not alone but seek people that understand properly. I guess its accepting its a slow transformation to the new you… live can go on. It will not be the same… im not sure i fully believe it yet.
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Hi David, I just left the restaurant where we used to go together, the bad thing is that no matter where I go ( we have been there ) every street, road, city, town we were there
I too try to keep busy but there are moments that hit me like a ton of bricks
Looking around the restaurant and remembering every table we sat together every angle
It so hard, I think I need help
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@Abbiesnan … I am with. I am only five months in, still having the same groundhog ever. I can only hope for it to lessen sometime (goodness knows when) in the future… Please.
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I hope so too
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