In a daze since I lost Mum

Two months ago today I lost my mum. I feel like time has passed in a flash but that I’ve not really lived, just plodded along in a daze. My emotions are erratic and make me feel out of control at times. It frustrates me. Im short tempered with my kids ( which I hate ) and it makes me sad. Some days are better than others. Right now though I feel like it’s the realisation that I can’t see her, hug her or talk to her that’s hitting me. I miss her so much. She’s the one person who would know what to say to me right now. Ironic right? Is it just me who feels like this?

Have no idea if any of this makes sense but as I’ve never done this before I thought I’d put my feelings down and take it from there.

Thank you

Hi Maradadi,

Hello and welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I am so sorry to hear that you have recently lost your mum.

I wondered if you had seen the recent post from another new member, JK76, who has also lost her mum? You can read and reply to what she wrote here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/missing-mum-so-much

I am glad that you have found this site. It sounds as though you’re having so many different difficult emotions right now, and I hope that it does help a little bit to be able to write them down.

This is a safe space where you don’t have to put on a brave face, and where you are among others who understand.

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Hi Maradadi,

I am so sorry to hear about your mum. Take a look through my previous posts - I’m in a similar situation to you, having lost my mum in December as well, aged 60 (breast cancer). I completely agree with you - it is incomprehensible that I won’t ever talk to my mum again - I spent my life trying to make her happy, make her laugh and smile - and every time I come across something that I know would get that reaction, I have to just let that thought go. I cannot believe it. I want to tell her about so many things that I only want to talk to her about, and I can’t. You are absolutely not the only one who feels like that - that will undoubtedly be one of the main issues of grief. It’s the finality of it, the never again. We don’t deal with that concept well. I think there are a few on us on here that are going through a similar experience with the recent loss of our mums. One day at a time is so important. How are you today?

Louise x

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Hi Louise,

Thank you so much for writing. It’s good to know I’m not alone in how I feel. I’m sorry for your loss. Mum was 64 and died of mesothelioma ( lung cancer ).

Today is an ok day. I hope yours is too?I’m not looking forward to Mother’s Day but have to beautiful daughters. Firsts are the worst… I hope.

It’s helpful to be on here and have someone to talk to. Thank you.

Tracy x

Hi Tracy,

I noticed that you mentioned Mother’s Day and how you are not looking forward to it.

We’ve sadly had quite a lot of new members joining recently who’ve lost their mums, and your post made me think that quite a few of them will be finding things tough this weekend. So, I’ve started a new conversation about Mother’s Day:https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/all-you-without-your-mums-mother’s-day

Hopefully this will be a good place for some of you to get together in one place and support each other.

I hope you get to enjoy some time with your daughters on Mother’s Day and to remember your mum.

The world does not pause to give us a chance to grieve, does it? We are still expected to be normal and do normal things. I miss my Mum so very much and yet as I am an adult I think people expect you just to get on with it. My Mum was my best friend and although I plod along and give the pretence I am okay, I actually feel very broken. I have two lovely children

Hi Rebecca,

I can relate to feeling totally broken. I agree that people assume you should of moved on. I feel that at times life is passing me by. I don’t want it to. I want it to stop or slow down but it doesn’t.

I don’t think people realise that you have bad days, days when you can’t stop crying, when everything reminds Me of my mum, days when you miss her so much. It’s heart ache. I be just been through a run of these days. Don’t think I’ve cried so much over a few days in a bit. Everything just hit me again. I feel a little better for it but more numb now?

It’s hard with kids. I think mine help me to see that I can’t stop life because I have to carry on for them, but at times it’s so very hard to be happy and up beat. I think I’m much more short tempered with them and feel awful at times but my moods are all over the place.

I guess the only advice that I can give is if you’re having a bad day then let people know. Sometimes it doesn’t help at all but sometimes it helps them to see. Here if you need. Hope it makes sense.

Tracy x

Tracy

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Thank you. I will write more later xx

Hello Maradadi,

I’m so sorry you dealing with loosing your mum, everything you described about your feeling being all over the place, plodding along in a daze, and missing the anchor your mum was sounds very familiar to my experience.
I lost my mum last May, felt similar to you for about 3mths then seemed to get back ‘in the swing of life’ but recently hit a wall of depression.
I’m getting through it, I think what I’m slowly learning is that this is a life change,our sense of self, foundation, family, unity, nurturing has shifted, is this how you feel in missing your mums advice etc?

Do you have someone you can talk to? Personally I have found a variety of outlets helpful-one to one councelling, talking to friends, concentrating on myself-yoga/meditation, but most recently a group meeting for people who have lost someone to cancer.
I’m not suggesting all of the above would be right for you, but just to empathise with your feeling that life is different now. Your not alone, many others are feeling similar.
I hope today was a little easier knowing you have reached out?
Jk76.

Hi maradadi

I’m sure a hundred people have said I’m sorry you’ve lost your mum I had it to so I won’t say that. All I will say is that reading what you put is exactly what I felt. I lost my mum 4 months ago she was 60 I’m 29. It was a huge shock she was fine, it was completely unexpected and I am still in shock. I too feel like there is so much I want to say but can’t. Before she died me and my partner tried for so long to get pregnant and she would often pray for me. I am now 9 weeks pregnant and my heart aches wanting to tell her. You will be in a daze, that is how I get by. Laughs are hollow and it does t matter how in depth a conversation you have it’s like a slap in the face of the realisation she’s gone. Many people I spoke to would just know by my facial expressions at the point in the conversation where I had stopped listening and ‘my mums died, my mums died’ replayed over and over in my head. All I can say is to take care of yourself, and your little ones. It’s all you can do, don’t expect to much of yourself it’s so very early days. We are all here and just like the quote in the film ps I love you…‘if we’re all alone, then we’re all alone in that too’

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Hi Sarah,

Wow, congratulations on your pregnancy! I’m sure it is bittersweet for you without your mum here to share in your excitement but you know how happy she would have been for you.

Good luck with the pregnancy.

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Hi sarah

Thanks so much for your message.

Congratulations. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be not being able to tell your mum. Although very difficult perhaps something you can focus on, a positive. I guess I sometimes think it’s so hard with my two at times especially when I’m low but they focus me and keep me going.

I try to live each day as it comes. It’s easier to deal with. When things are bad I’m overcome. It hits hard, sometimes it hits out of no where and other times I feel it building over days until I get to breaking point. Some days I think I’m fine and something sets me off. No rhyme or reason. I guess that’s what effects us all so much.

Tracy xx

I hope all our “better” days increase and we learn to live again rather than exist. Time they say is a great healer. I hope so xxx

Tracy

Hi jk76

Thanks for writing. I appreciate it.

I definitely feel I’m missing my mums advice and just generally seeing her and talking. She was always there for me. Knew what to say and how to help. I miss her so much. Rather than get better over time I miss her more as time passes. I miss her hugs and reassurance.

I went to my dr who said I should wait 6 months to get counselling if I need it. I don’t really have many to talk to. My husband and a friend but most my friends live abroad and my only sibling is in Australia. I’m just trying to hold everything together at the moment.

It helps being on here. I can say how I feel and know people understand. I find I want to do things but find it hard to focus, concentrate and actually do things.

hopefully in time it will get better

Tracy

Hi Tracy
I totally get missing your mum more over time. Your first paragraph is so ‘me’. My mum was with me pretty much all the time. Now I hate it without her.

Hi Tracey,

Sorry it’s taken a while to reply.

I can totally relate to things feeling like they are getting harder, it’s been my experience at times to.
Have you had to make decisions about your mums possessions yet?
Some things I’ve found to help retain that sense of ‘feeling’ mum close,as I also ache for her cimpany and nurturing at times, is to cuddle up to her jumper, look through her personal things & I keep a ‘memories of mum book’ by my bed, each time a funny/poiniant/special/loving/silly memory comes to mind I write it down in as much detail of what I can remember of the moment, then read them again when I’m missing mum, it helps to recall all that was good about our relationship.

You mentioned ‘trying to hold it together’, I hope you allow yourself time to grieve? Walks in the park, a bath on a Friday night, to just care for you. An important line a counsellor said to me was ‘you are in recovery, allow yourself to be’.

I’m so glad your feeling at least a little bit better by using this sight.

How has your weekend been?
Do take care
Julia.

Hi Tracey,

Just thought I would touch base and see how you are doing?

I can totally relate to being unable to concentrate and actually do things, ten months on and I still feel my brain is struggling on this point!
Life is so quick and expects us to be able to keep up doesn’t it? Mean while our minds and body just want to curl up and sob/remember/recall.

I’ve decided not to beat myself up for having to check details, plan a route, check my diary for what feels like the 10th time! I’m excepting that I have to give myself more time to do these types of things and slow down when I can, learning to meditate has been a very powerful insight into this.

How are you doing today?

Julia

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Just wondering how everyone is doing? It is comforting to read other people’s posts and know I am not alone. I miss having someone to talk to about losing my mum and can’t wait to be able to go to the next support group. I only wish they were more regular than once a month. I am still in shock and miss my mum about the house. Our home is not the same anymore. We have lost our ray of sunshine and life does feel bleak. How is everyone else doing/coping?

Hi Julia

Thanks for writing. It’s been a tough week and I have struggled.

It’s three months since mum died and I find some things hit me more and others are a little easier. I really miss talking to mum and seeing her.

I just take a day at a time. Enjoy the good days and get through the bad. Life definitely doesn’t stop.

I miss being able to tell mum things, get advice or simply run things by her. Good things are often tinged with the sadness that I can’t share them with her.

My dads been going through a really bad time too which I find very hard. How has anyone else’s family been?

Tracy

Hi everyone,

It is good to see some of you checking in and writing to each other, I hope that it’s helping a little bit.

I noticed what Julia wrote about struggling to concentrate - that’s something that I see people mention quite often, so I’ve created a new conversation on this topic: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/loss-concentration

Hi Racs,
It’s really kind of you to check how everyone is doing - thank you. I have been much more selfish than you, and have stayed away from this forum for a while as I am going through a period of finding it too draining to talk about it. Maybe that’s not the best thing to do but it’s right for me just for now. That said, I do care about how the rest of you are getting on too so when I saw your message I wanted to reply. I don’t go to a support group, I might look into it to see if one exists locally - it sounds like it is helpful for you. I think we all have to remember to really look after ourselves through the grief - eat well, exercise, do things you enjoy, be kind to yourself and don’t push the grief away - feel it, recognise it, and just sit it out as best as possible until that wave has passed x

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