Thank you so much Moira,yes we are all the same,suffering endlessly day after day.Never knew grief could do this to you,it is like a constant torture eating away at you ,the sick empty feeling never goes.The only people I talk to now are the ones I phone .It is nice on here we are all so friendly and kind and supportive,lots of hugs to you all.Michael.
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My husband passed 4 years ago on December 19th, following a 6 week illness. I was physically cold and numb. I felt sick and my head pumped and I was in a state of disbelief. Not just for days or weeks, not even for months but little by little I warmed.
I stood at our granddaughters Christmas concert and remembered sneaking him a mince pie the previous yearā¦ each anniversary is a reminder of what heās lost. Not just what Iāve lost and that thought is still unbearable. You see I never thought Iād breath voluntarily again. I certainly never thought Iād have a life. All be it not the life we had planned. Life has a way of dragging and bobbing you and sometimes floating you along and as it does you find people who have experienced similar, who feel as you doā¦ their company doesnāt make things right but it helps and allows you to breath.
We were together for 35 years. I was 19 when we met. I count myself lucky to have 2 lovely children. Two even lovelier granddaughters and the most handsome man in my life Bryn, my 3 year old chocolate lab. Heās dragged me out. Heās warmed my feel, heās sat next to me quietly, letting me stroke him and gives me a knowing look from time to timeā¦Iām thankful for my home and a little money so I donāt struggle and I donāt feel lonely. I am alone and probably that will be the case for me. Iām almost 59 and Iām selfish and quite frankly like to share my sofa with Bryn. I meet up with friends for coffee and lunch. Iāve made new friends who are my friends not our friends and my times with them are free.
Life felt as though I were suffocating, that there would be no end to the feeling but it changes without you trying. You just need to hold on for the ride. Some rides are gentler than others and some churn up surprises. Some rides even change directionā¦ all rides are moving forward, no ride will ever move on. Our loss is permanent, our missing will be lifelong and you wilm feel regrets and if only, but in time you will warm, breath and live.
Iām 4 years on, I joined a few social groups as most friends are married and looking after grandchildren. The groups meet once a week, not since lockdown but I made friends through the group who I meet up with throughout the week. Three of us went on a breakā¦ we go to shows or pub meal, quiz night etc and I joined a walking group and take my 4 legged man with me. Life is different but I can say life is good. Yes I wish Nige was here, that we were arguing about him taking the crust of bread just as dinner was served. I wish he was here to leave his blooming brief case by front doorā¦ sometimes o canāt believe heās not. I still feel married, I suppose I always will. Iāve learned tkk ok leave lamp on when I go out. I tell him all thatās happened in my day. I even blame him for some. Iām so happy when I think of the years we spent together and I wish there were many more. I look for signs that he is around and sees. I suppose when you fell in love with your very best friend you never want to let them leave your life.
Nigels anniversary of his after work visit to gp is tomorrow. He had shoulder pain. He was sent to hospital for X-ray and ecg. He was kept in as it was late and bloods abnormal. Two days later he was discharged having been told he had cholangiocarcinoma and 6 months to live. He was brave and dignified and looked after us. He passed ag home with me and our children at his side.
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Dear Nettie27
Thank you for sharing.
I am sorry for your loss but so grateful you have taken the time to post on here. I am 8 months down the line and still struggling and can not see the light at the end of the tunnelā¦ā¦ but your kind words have given me some hope that the light will be there.
I am 57 years old and I was with my husband for only 15 years but they were the best 15 years of my life.
He looked after me, spoilt me, loved me and in return I gave him the same back. We were a good team.
Iām not sure who is being punished here.
After a load of crap in my life I found a good man and then I lost himā¦. Or Martin, who loved life, who so desperately wanted to be a grandad, who had so much to live for.
Take care
Dee xx
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So sorry for your loss, not only of your wife, but of the world as you knew it.
My wifeās 2nd anniversary is just a couple of weeks away and to be honest I still feel like checking with someone āsheās not coming back, is she?ā.
All I can say is, day by day you get better at living with the loss, but unfortunately your enforced new life will never be the same as it was.
Concentrate on the basics first of just each day , getting up , eating, sleeping. The shock turns on adrenaline and cortisol. Which just puts you on permanent hyper alert and messes with your head. You can only think about worst case scenarios. I couldnāt at first figure why I just felt so scared all the time.
It will not be straight forward improvement, like the early aviators you will be up for a little while only to crash because of a small wind change.
Finding joy again will not be as easy especially as it used to be shared. But you will start to appreciate small tokens of kindness in this messed up world you find yourself in. Try not ( and canāt say I succeeded) to get extremely annoyed when people say glib things or act coldly, they are trying to be nice or to not upset you, just failing miserably at it.
My life currently seems to me to be trying to fill it with distractions, work, garden, dog walks, listening to music , concerts, my tv , friends etc. that to be honest I do get pleasure from.
But then you stop and think it all seems pretty hollow without Ann moaning at me about something.
Life never felt like this before.
My Ann was also Mother Christmas , so this season to me now is literally grin and bear it. Being ābah humbugā without ācheer up you miserable gitā is not the same.
Try to be kind to yourself, you have been hit with a tsunami of mental trauma. Itās the toughest thing that I have been faced with.
The storm will subside but it will be a very different place you will be in. Just try to find nice things there. I feel I still have a long way to go. I just know I am not the complete hopeless basket case I was in the first 6 months.
You will eventually get to a better place. But all of us on here were quite happy where we were thank you. So sorry to know someone else has also had to experience this much pain.
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Oh thank you for a lovely message,made good reading,lots for me to ponder over.Michael.
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So much there I can relate to, Itās the toughest thing Iāve ever had to face or deal with, I cannot see much future at the moment, but your words give me hope of some sort of future.
Thank you.
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Phil I have just read your message all of it is true we are all going through it this terrible pain , I was with my partner Peter for 39 years and married for the last 6 years he was my complete world he did everything after he died in July I had to change all the bills etc over to my name it was heartbreaking to do that and explain to people he was my husband and I loved him, part of me died when Peter left me and of course we donāt have children so I have no one really I can turn to to , I have friends but how can they understand the heartache I go through from when I wake up to when I go to bed, I wish I could see some hope in the future.David
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Hi Dee, Iām 58.
I believe everything we experience in life moulds us to be the person we are. Despite the bad experiences you found love and happiness. In time youāll realise you donāt loose that love and youāll be able to look back and smile and be grateful and sad for the time you shared. Hopefully you wonāt feel lonely, even if you are alone.
I am at a point where I feel comfortable lol e in my own company. The house doesnāt feel quite so empty and I donāt struggle to fill my hours. Life is very different and not the one we planned and Iām sad about that. I always will be, but I decided that I owed it to both nigel and to me to live and not stay stuck. Itās easy to say now, sometimes not so easy to do. One day you will get out of bed and think I can do this.
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Yes that feeling of wiping my wifeās name off the records was painful, as if further eradicating her existence. Cancelling her mobile number that I always called, closing her lively Facebook account.
All I can say is the amount of pain is related to how much they were a part of your life. A measure of all love entails both good and bad. Itās so big because two of you made it. Take some heart from that.
It hasnāt really gone away for me in 2 years and I donāt really want it to. I want to stay in love with her. But you do learn to live with it, and āfit inā with others.
I no longer expect people to appreciate how I feel and wouldnāt wish on them what you need to experience to do so.
It will not always be so all encompassing,
You do need to fill your head with something else for a time just to give yourself break. To say itās not easy is a complete understatement. I do still have moments of why the āfā am I bothering, but you keep on going. Knowing what Ann would say to me.
Yes having children in the early days was a massive help, complete role reversal as they are in their late 20ās. But they have their own lives to live now. Which also pains as my wife is missing so much good news.
Being alone is not great , making decisions without her seems like deception. But in my head she has still got my back and whispering encouragement. Though probably pretty frustrated at how Iām using her kitchen.
I have heard others nearly describe their grief in similar terms as if reminiscing about an old holiday.
If that state exists I am certainly no where near that, and not sure I want to be.
Take each day as it comes. As mad as this sounds try to remember how bad it feels. As a sign of how better you are handling it but also to not bottle up your emotions.
Wishing everyone one some happiness.
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THE TRAIN:
At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel by our side. As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of your life.
However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone. Others will step down over time and leave a permanent vacuum. Some, however, will go so unnoticed that we donāt realize they vacated their seats. This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells. Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.
The mystery to everyone is: We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are. It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.
I wish you all a joyful journey.
found on Facebook today
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I really love this. Difficult as it is when the people we love depart the train.
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This certainly is the toughest thing any of us have had to face,the future without our beloved partners.I for one am so lonely and unhappy,have just woken up from another broken nights sleep to find it is just another day of living hell to get through.Had a cup of tea and just managed a slice of toast ,had hardly anything on Sunday.Waking up to find you are all alone again is horrendous,must find something to do to keep my mind occupied.Michael.
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Morning Mickey
I too have tossed and turned all night. It is dreadful not being able to sleep at least if you do you can forget your pain for a little while. I cook meals for myself but then eating by yourself day in and day is so lonely. Peter would be ashamed of me if he new (perhaps he does), he was a chef. There is plenty for me to do to occupy myself but I just canāt be bothered. It is obviously a normal feeling, this hopelessness but it is like a pain that wonāt go away. The weekends are the worst, I have not seen nor spoken to anyone since last Friday. I look forward to Monday so I can go shopping but that seems a waste of time as I really donāt need anything. My wish for us all in here is, if we could go to sleep tonight and when we wake up tomorrow everything would be back to normal. Unfortunately that isnāt going to happen Iām afraid. I also wish that I didnāt wake up feeling so scared of what each day is going to bring. Sorry to burden you with all of this but you are obviously feeling the same which at least means we are ānormalā. Take care.
Moira
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Oh Moira,I feel exactly the same as you,weekends are the worst ,I had a really bad day Sunday ,I cried and cried for ages for my wife Judith,kept phoning people until someone answered,then I got a neighbour to come in for a while for company ,such a nice guy.Listened to me talking about Judith for hours.What a wonderful thing that would be to wake up and all back to how it was.Judith passed away 6 weeks ago today at 2.15pm and I might as well ahve gone that day as well.The last 6 weeks have been a living hell.Feeling sick all the time ,pain,grief. I am not eating that well,Judith always made sure we ate well but I am useless in the kitchen,a ready meal now and again is all I am having,lost a stone and a half and I feel 10 years older which at 76 is not good.I also wish all on here a much better day today but I think that will be a bridge too far for most of us.You are not burdening me with anything,I am so glad we are on the same page so to speak.Love and hugs to you Moira. Michael.
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Hello Mickey, I hate Sundays as well the pain always seems worse, itās 17 weeks today since my husband died and I am still in the same place I was back then, just waking up and thinking another day of sadness and crying, why canāt we turn back time, hope your day is a little better than yesterday. David
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Thank you ,hope so too ,it could not be any worse ,Sunday was like being in hell.Michael.
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David you feel exact the same as Michael and myself. The weekends are like a living hell. It is 18 weeks for me and crying and despair are the norm. I donāt think I will ever feel whole again. Peter was my life for 59 years (54 of them married to the most beautiful man ever), and it broke my heart into so many pieces to see him suffering. I didnāt want that for him but I didnāt want this nightmare for me either. We must all try and help each other by listening.
Love and hugs Moira
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I understand you all,been 6 weeks since I lost my husband after 51yrs of marriage,mornings are the worst,havnt slept well,feel sick every day,grief is very painful,torturous I still canāt believe he isnāt coming back,find myself shouting his name.Hate this so lonely without Steve,take care everyone x
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Yes Moira none of us wanted this horrible life thrust upon us me and Peter weāre together 39 years he was so kind and loving to me and I canāt see any future I try every day to be strong and speak to Peter and ask him to keep me safe I feel so vulnerable and alone .David
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Hi David and Moira,I have this horrible sick feeling today again,also feeling very low in confidence and insecure ,life is very fragile for me at the moment.Been reaching out to anyone who will listen this morning.Judith was my inspiration for life but now that is gone so what now for me and all of us in the same boat.I loved this lady from her head to her toes,she gave me a reason to live,that is now gone.Empty and lonely old life is all that is left. Love to you both Michael.
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