As previously mentioned - I lost my wife who’d been by side for 28 years - 5 weeks & 1 day ago today. It was unexpected after a short spell in hospital. She was just 54 years old.
Sometimes even the smallest things cause real upset. Like filling in an online form… I was always proud to be able to tick ‘full time employed’, ‘home owner’, ‘married’. But now I am supposed to select the ‘widow / widower’ option - In my head I am still married and always will be to my beautiful wife Lisel.
My neighbours managed to persuade me to walk to the local fireworks display last Friday. So a group of us walked there. When I got to the entrance I had to ask to pay for ‘one adult please’ and the guy on the gate repeated back to me ‘was that one adult’? … Yes - thanks for the reminder. I spent the whole evening with a lump in my throat holding back the tears. I’m 49 but felt like a lost boy without her there with me. There were lots of people there I knew but people don’t know what to say to me and I’ve never been good at starting conversations or small talk - that was my wife’s strength. I’d join in once the conversation was struck.
I have been writing everything down each day in a journal. I decided yesterday that I would share my journal via a private facebook group set up for close family. It was a big decision to open myself up like this but it allows me to be brutally honest about the days events, how I’m feeling, etc. It also helps me avoid having to repeatedly try to explain things over and over when people ask ‘but how are you really?’ Especially as I don’t have the energy or the desire often to explain.
When I go out I always think people are looking at me because I’m on my own I almost feel embarrassed to go out, it’s soul destroying, me and Peter used to go everywhere together people always saw us as a couple joined at the hip now I’m on my own it’s soul destroying.David
David - I can totally understand. Lisel and I were always seen out together. We had people comment in the past about how they wish they had the same relationship as us. Now I feel like I’m a pet project that my friends and family want to try and fix. You cannot fix grief.
Ijb not sure what your name is sorry, everyone used to say to me and Peter what a close couple we were and they couldn’t believe we had been together for over 39 years now it’s all gone it’s just horrendous thinking I’ll never see him again it really is a living nightmare, I don’t know how I will go on with my life feeling like this I’m just heartbroken. David
Nettle
What a wonderful description of grief and how it allows us to survive the journey but never lets us forget. I am 3 years and 1 month in since my darling husband passed and I am learning to live a different life. I think the intensity of our feelings becomes less and that is how we learn to live with our grief
The more we face situations and places, the more we learn to accept them again in a different way.
I can now look at photo’s without bursting into tears and I can talk about Ron without my heart feeling as though it would explode. But sometimes the pain and rawness envelopes me quite unexpectedly and I have to tell myself that tomorrow is a new day.
Thank you for explaining and giving such clarity to those who are further on in their journeys.
Started to have a bad moment this afternoon again,had a bit of a cry ,told her how much I love her and miss her,hope she knows that.The pain of grief is so intense.Michael.
I’m sure she would hear you Michael and want you to get through this horrible time, I speak to Peter many times during the day for him to keep me safe and guide me through the many things that crop up in life I do feel sure he is listening.David
I feel exactly the same as all of you. My husband, Colin, died of Covid in April 2020. I was not allowed to be with him. Only 10 people were allowed at his funeral and no wake was allowed. The grieving was exhausting and still is. With time you learn to live with this big hole in your life, with being alone, missing so much the person you love so very much. I had counselling after about four months and I think this helped me to come to terms with my new and changed life. I even consulted a Medium from whom I gained some comfort. Every week I go to the cemetery where his ashes are to put fresh flowers there. Whatever the weather I am there playing music and talking to him. I look forward to doing this every week. Although upsetting, I do get comfort from it and have at last accepted my life as it is. I still cry regularly but I go out with friends and can enjoy myself. I will always love Colin and there will never ever be anyone else. I have got used to being on my own. This was hard at first but talking to people with a similar experience has been helpful. I never could have imagined how painful this grief is and how difficult it has been coming to terms with it. I do know one thing: Colin would want me to be happy and live my life and, although this is difficult at the moment, I am trying to do just that. Love to you all.
Hi David,I do hope she can hear and see me when I am crying for her and yelling for her to come back to me.Here I am up early again on here reading the comments of like minded people who are suffering this awful pain of grief ,sleeplessness,unable to eat properly .6 weeks since Judith passed away and I am still unable to fully accept that she has gone ,it still feels so unreal,how did this happen to me ,I was not prepared for this shattering event,I always thought it would be me to go first.My days are lonely ,my nights are lonely,what sort of life is this without her.Wish I could be with her again.Michael.
My heart goes out to you Michael. I woke early this morning already in tears. Who would have thought you could cry while you slept? He really bad day yesterday as I had quite a bad panic attack which left me absolutely drained. Then I read messages on here and it helped me calm down again. I am hope for a better day for us all today. Hugs to all Moira
It has also been six weeks since I lost my beautiful wife of 47 years, no sleep, rubbish diet.
Been awake ages, the nights are long, the days longer.
Don’t know how to cope in this very different world, tried to get counselling but there is a 10 week waiting list.
We must try and stick together and share our feelings on here .
Hello Michael hope your ok, yes another day to face it all over again it’s just endless pain all the time, the way the emotions just creep up in you is frightening and there’s nothing you can do to stop it, everywhere you go now it’s all about Christmas I feel like screaming I’m alone I’ve lost the love of my life I try to keep strong But it’s so draining day in and day out, hope you feel better today Michael and every one else on here who is suffering, I just want Peter back with me.David
HI David ,you up early as well ,so hard to sleep now,yes another day to get through,I have an appointment this morning with a counsellor from the firm that carried out my Judith’s funeral,it is all part of their service.I mute the tv when the Christmas ads come on ,too upsetting as Judith loved this time of year,always spoilt me.It is draining trying to get through the day,cry a bit ,sometimes a lot.I still have all the cards up as well and her ashes on our settee where she sat.I wish all on here a better day along with you my friend. Michael.
Word for word just how I feel my friend.32 years for me with my lovely Judith.I have counselling this morning ,must be a lucky one.Need to pour my heart out .6 weeks for me also,worst day of my life 27th September 2.15pm Judith slipped away in my arms.The evil cancer stole her from me too soon.I know I will never get over this ,trying to live with it is so hard,so painful.We must help each other on here ,well said my friend. Michael.
These sudden panic attacks are quite worrying,I just lose all control ,scream out her name ,cry out so loud as well.Oh how much I want to be with her again.You know our pain and what it is doing to us all.It does help to read other peoples messages as you say,we are not alone in this living hell that has been thrust upon us all.I was just not ready to lose her,not prepared at all,the sight of watching her slip away will haunt me forever.Take care Moira. Michael.
Hope the councillor goes ok Michael I usually speak with one on a Monday when I ho to Maggies Bereavement Centre it does help even though all I do is pour my heart out to her but they listen and I find it does help, I’m at the dentist this morning not looking forward to that because I will think of Peter and it’s difficult.David
Yes panic attacks are bad. I had palpitations all day yesterday. Frightening. I had to get my son round before I could calm down. I don’t like to worry him if I can help it, he is grieving for his Dad so badly too. You’re right it is a living hell. I watched Peter suffer really for over 20 years with COPD but the last 8 years were worst as he was on oxygen at home 24/7. But his final fortnight he was in hospital but they sent him home 3 days before he died with no care package in place or help at all. It was a nightmare. It will haunt me forever. Nothing but photos and memories to hold onto for 54 years of marriage. Take care Moira