Pricilla - I was exactly where you are almost 6 months ago. It seems you cannot survive this at the time, and I only want to let you know that you can and you will. I was certain I couldn’t - healing will come in time. Sending so much love and support to you.
Thankyou all so much for your supportive words and my heart goes out to everyone one of you knowing you have been through this too .you are giving me strength and it is so good to talk to you and hear your stories.
I am nearly at the end of day 2 … just day 2… 363 to go. It is soooooooo hard and every moment I suddenly remember that this is forever, i will never see him again, he is not just in hospital and will be coming home soon is beyond overwhelming.
In a moment of madness Today i gathered all of the medical equipment from our bedroom and threw what I could down the stairs and out of the door to reclaim our sanctuary as it was before cancer invaded and consumed and ruined our lives. It felt good to take back some control for even just a short while and focus and release some anger. I put his things back as they would have been in happier times. If he should be watching I think he would approve.
Day 3 tomorrow …
Much love x
X
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Ps christine38 - I hope you got through the funeral ok. I was thinking of you. X
Priscilla,
It,took nearly two,weeks for them to take,the hospital bed.
Each day I sat on it.
I would move my hand up and down, feeling the tightness in her back and her pain of the last days. As I would loft her up and sit next to her
The ritual gave me Comfort. I would cry,as I am now. Week 6
There is nothing but pain,but pain is sometimes presence.
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Thank you Pricilla,I did get though Steve’s funeral it was a lovely service,now reality has set in,I miss him so much can’t imagine a future without him I don’t know how to carry on my heart is broken
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Christine, I am happy to hear that you got through yesterday ok, I would like to be able to tell you that it will get easier from now and I sincerely hope it does, for me though the funeral was the easy part! It was the weeks after that hit me worst, even now I am struggling day by day to keep it together, I still cry and the heartache is worse than ever, I miss her so much, I really don’t see an end to the grief I feel, alone in my thoughts I just want to scream, I hate myself for feeling this way but I can’t help it.
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I understand every thing you said,I’m struggling can’t stand the thought of never seeing Steve again,heartbreak is a physical pain,I think some people think oh they have had the funeral and should be okay now,but if they haven’t been through this grief they won’t understand.I have no idea how to carry on without him
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Christine, it all feels so unreal doesn’t it? I wake up each day still imagining her laying next to me, then the reality hits me that she’s gone forever and the painful process starts all over again, I wonder if this feeling will ever end, I feel so lost without her.
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Tony,it does feel unreal,it makes me feel angry lovely people taken away,all the plans we made,I can’t cook Steve loved my meals don’t think I’ll bother again, can’t watch the programmes we watched together.Life is awful without him
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Christine, Yes, that’s the worst thing, the future we planned, all the things we wanted to do are gone, we were supposed to grow old together and enjoy our life together, i feel so sad that none of this will happen now and everything about my life feels so pointless. I feel like i am just existing day to day, this is not how it was supposed to be, my whole world collapsed the day Eileen passed away, all that i have now are the wonderful memories i have of time we shared, but i also have the dreaded thought of life without her, its overwhelming x
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Tony,I don’t feel I can have a life without Steve it’s just an awful existence,if it wasn’t for my family I don’t know what I would do,do you have family to talk to.I feel like ive had my heart ripped out,I can’t believe he’s not coming back
Christine, yes, I have family and they have been very supportive, but, I don’t want to burden them too much about how I am feeling, after all they are grieving too, the loss of their mum hit them hard too, I do speak to my sister, she knows how I feel and she has suggested I get some grief counseling, I am considering it, but it won’t change the way I feel about my future without Eileen x
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Tony,glad you have someone to talk to but your right it doesn’t matter what anyone says it can’t alter this awful feeling inside,I can’t imagine it ever getting better even with my lovely families support I can’t imagine ever getting over this,we can only try to Carr y on the best we can,let me know if you get counselling I may make enquiries for myself x
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Christine, I will, it may be something for you to consider, just talking to someone who is trained in grief counseling may help you, I know how it feels when you are trying to explain to someone how deeply wounding it is to lose your partner! They won’t totally understand, I mean, how could they unless they have been through it themselves, I hope for our sakes that we can find some kind of solution to this feeling so that we can at least move on in some way, as difficult as that will be x
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Hope I can get some sleep tonight couldn’t last night thinking to much into the future without my husband I know people say to take it day by day but each day is getting worse after Steve’s funeral on Tuesday I’m finding it so difficult to be without him.I dread mornings just another heartbreaking day ahead,I miss him so much can’t imagine feeling like this every day its a horrible existence
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Hello Priscilla.
“Nobody told me grief feels so much like fear”
I think that was a CS Lewis quote.
I wish somebody had told me that when I sat and watched my lovely mum my best friend my constant and my safety - take her final breaths. I was terrified beyond belief and have suffered panic attacks ever since. It is the hardest thing for anyone to go through. My heart goes out to you.
All I can say with certainty is you will survive this. You won’t think you can. But you will. Sometimes you may even wonder if you want to. But deep down you know your beloved would want you to smile again to live again. For them. We do it for them. In their memory and for ourselves. For the life we have left that they want us to live.
Take one moment of every day at at a time. Take it moment by moment.
Lots of love x
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Thankyou all for your comforting messages. Its nearly one week now and feels like a lifetime and ive had all sorts of mad thoughts and im surprised i manage to sleep at all and wake up and get through each day. Ive had such a lot of support from family snd friends and I know thats a blessing but while it means i havent been alone, it doesn’t stop the feeling of loneliness and I d give anything to have him back again just one more time.
Ive accepted for the first time ever the offer of counselling. Particularly since i know …from reading on here especially…how that support is going to tail off soon and its going to get worse before it gets better.
Thabkyou for all your words I read them everyday to take some strength from them. Wishing you all the best on all your journeys and thankyou for this site. It has saved me a little over the past week.
X
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Haven’t slept at all tonight,I’m feeling worse than ever,3 weeks since my husband passed and I feel sick with grief,how can I exist without him after all these years never been on my own before we got married so young,don’t know what to do miss him so much
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I feel the same Christine, my wife passed away nearly 4 months ago and I am lost and lonely, my world has been well and truly torn apart and my life seems worthless, its just not getting any easier the more time passes, I feel so sad all the time.
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I have just been through that ordeal with my beloved wife,I was with her when she passed away and I will never forget that moment ,it was the saddest day of my whole life and yes the aftermath is horrendous,the grief ,the feeling sick all the time,the pain,the stomach wrenching ache ,only 3 weeks ago and I am a mess,my life in ruins ,how can you ever be happy again when the person who made you happy has gone,I feel so sorry for you.Michael.
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