My husband died a year ago, I have just gone through the first year anniversary, and what would have been our 20th wedding anniversary. I just don’t seem to be able to get my act together. I have grief counseling once a week via zoom and various friends call round. Although that is tailing off a bit now. I am ok at work but anytime I spend at home I immediately go into the depths of despair and just walk around the house crying or go to bed. My friends are telling me I have to move forward, do hobbies, go to evening classes but I just don’t have the energy and I couldn’t if I tried as I no longer have transport and live in a rural area. Is my grief going on too long, should I be over losing my husband by now. Most of friends seem to think so, am I making a drama out of what has happened to me. I don’t know where to move forward to, I have no children or grandchildren, in a year or so I will be retiring from work, so I don’t really feel there is anything to move forward to. The more my friends go on about it, the more I want to shut myself away in the house and have no contact with anyone. Life is so difficult without my husband, I just miss him and want him back. I feel that I have been shattered into pieces and can’t be put back together again.
Me personally having only been widowed 3 months ,don’t feel like I will ever be ready to move forward ,there doesn’t seem to be a timescale ,we are all individuals in our grief and I can’t ever imagine feeling ,normal or whole ever again !
Hi . It’s just been a year since my husband died . Every day for me is getting worse . I feel my husband is getting further away from me each day . I can’t see me ever moving forward . Whatever that actually means . I will always love and miss my husband and really just want my happy life back . I do get up each day and go to work , only to pay the bills . But this life / exsistence isn’t what I want or need . Some people might find it gets easier in time or learn to live like this . But I find is so hard and lonely without him . Xtake carex
That’s exactly how I feel. I only go to work to be able to pay the bills, I have no interest in it. It’s just a means to an end and just wish I didn’t have to leave the house at all. Like you I don’t like this new life that has been forced upon me and just want my old life back, but sadly that will not happen. I just feel I drag myself through each day in an existence I really don’t want.
Hello Misty, please do not give yourself a hard time with your grief…it’s not something to be ‘got over’ or ‘got through’, but something we slowly need to learn to live with. Have your ‘friends’ experienced what you have been through?..they probably think they are being helpful, but unless you have been there I don’t think anyone can appreciate the turmoil losing a loved one can cause. People have an innate need to want to fix things or make them better, but the loss of a loved one is not something that can be ‘fixed’. I am coming up to 12 months since I lost my husband of 21 years, I’m only 51. I can so empathise with how you are feeling & elements of your message I could have written myself…I’m tired and lacking motivation for anything, but I keep going as best I can & just take one day at a time. I found a good book by a lady called Megan Devine, entitled ‘It’s ok that you’re not ok’ (Meeting grief & loss in a culture that doesn’t understand)… which I have found helpful. Be kind to yourself, do what is right for you & at your own pace. Sending you a hug.
Yes I feel the same just want to be in the house . Even though it’s not a home anymore just a house . I still have son + living with me but even though not alone I am still lonely . We had been together from us both being 16 . It was our 40 th wedding anniversary this year . I still class myself as being married . Also my 60 th birthday . What was very hard . I still don’t sleep properly or eat much only when I’m really hungry . I find coffee and cigs my comfort now . I haven’t smoked since I was a teenager . But we do what we can to try and survive each day . We never really had any friends . So at least I don’t have to put up with nonsense from people who don’t realise , how heartbreaking and soul destroying it is . Without the one person that loved us unconditionally . And understood us better than we do ourselves . Thinking of you . Xtake carex
Hi Misty
Have these friends ever been through what you are experiencing. If not, I would tell them to mind their own business as you are doing your best and only time will tell you when you are ready to ‘move forward’, I would let them know that they are causing you extreme anxiety by making all the suggestions that you are just not ready for yet. You can do without all this extra confusion. But hang in there as a year is not that long to get through this trauma and slowly you will find yourself feeling ready to do things again. It will be slow so don’t expect miracles but do it in your own time and not when others think you should.
xx
Hello Misty,
I lost my husband 9 months ago and like you and everyone, we are on the journey called grief. There is no time limit when you have lost a loved one. We all go at our own pace and we may never “get over it!” People think once the funeral has happened, That’s it, done and over with, but that isn’t the case. That’s when the grieving begins. I just feel I have no purpose anymore and not sure where I go from here. I do work so that helps occupy my mind but he is never really out of my thoughts. He never will be. Take it at your own pace, that’s what I’ll be doing xx
Hi Misty
I lost Ian nearly 16 months ago now and yet to me, it still seems like yesterday. Like you, I just want him and our old life back. I also feel as if my life was shattered into pieces and I’m nowhere near putting it back together again, into whatever shape or form. I also find myself asking why bother anyway.
It’s strange, but I also felt that after a year, people around me felt enough is enough. It was if I’d had my year to grieve and now I should just be getting on with it. Little do they know that the grief just runs deeper and the sense of loss, loneliness and despair harder to cope with.
I too have been advised to join various activities and yet often, they actually do none of these themselves as their life is still with their partner/husband.
I wish I could offer more words of comfort but all I can say is do not feel ‘guilty’ about any of your thoughts, feelings or actions. We all grieve in our own way and time and until it happens to you, you can never understand this.
Look after yourself,
Julie x
I agree it’s only been 3 months for me but I can’t see a way out of this perpetual cycle of grief ever stopping ,and does this sound strange?, but I don’t want it to because then that will mean I can get through my life without bill it’s really the most painful ,heartbreaking experience I have had ,I’ve lost my mum,dad and 2 brothers over time and as much as that hurt this is on another level 
A year is way to soon. I am 17 months in and it has taken me that long to join a yoga class just down the road once a week. It’s taken me that long to start knitting a scarf. There are days when I still feel totally disconnected and all my energy has been used on just getting up. There’s nothing left. I don’t really know how I manage to get through each day. I take it hour by hour. How can we move on with our lives in such a short space of time when our world has been shattered. Others do not see that our world has been torn apart and it affects every single part of our lives from waking to sleeping. That’s if you can find sleep. I find myself crying and don’t know when I started. Life is hard and not the one we hoped we would be in. I think those who get to retirement together are very lucky. Sending hugs x
I have had a phone call from a friend I thought how nice. However like every morning I am in floods of tears facing another long lonely nothing day without my beloved. She says what’s the matter with you and I reply I miss him so much. Her answer was there is something wrong with you it’s time you got over him it is not normal to grieve this long. I am so glad I am on this forum as I think those comments could have tipped me over the edge
Jessica
Hi Jessica,
It’s well over two years for me and I still cry my eyes out frequently, even though I try not to. I will never be the same again and the thought of someone new makes me cringe. How could anyone else hug me like he did, kiss me like he did, understand me like he did? I can’t imagine anyone else taking his place, no matter how handsome, rich or loving. There was only one man for me and I was lucky enough to marry him, and for that, I thank my lucky stars. I was extra lucky in that he was very handsome and extremely loving and always knew what to do in any situation. I felt so safe with him.
Yes, I will carry on without him. I have no choice other than suicide and no way will I even consider that. I have a wonderful, caring family, and I carry on for them as well as for me.
Not only that, we had 57 amazing years together and some people don’t get anywhere near that.
I count my blessings and get on with my life as best I can. He would have wanted that for me, and if I cry through a lot of it, at least I am doing what he would have wanted me to do.
Dear Jessica. It is over 2yrs since I lost my husband and I still cry. This person who phoned you is not a friend how could she be so calous as to say there is something wrong with you she has something wrong with her no empathy no understanding what it is like to loose the person you were with for so long I wouldn’t listen to her again people on here understand and are here for you. sending you hugs Jenny.
Hi Jessica
I agree with the other comments that your ‘friend’ is not a real friend. She obviously has no understanding or empathy. I have learnt to distance myself from so called friends as they were just causing me more distress.
Look after yourself,
X Julie
Hi Jessica
I find the so called friends could actually say the things to you like time to get on with your life they obviously have never lost their life partner, like what’s been said before,it is unlike losing mother father sister or brother,who you love but it is unlike the different love you had for your husband which really is continuation or yourself because part of you dies with them,I kept thinking is it me thinking these thoughts but all of you say the same as I do ,I wish I could answer how long does it take, but I think I am worse now than just after he died,
writing this I am crying,I had to go to the bank to put a cheque in for his tax backI just burst into tears,the cashier came round and hugged me such a kind gesture most people feel uncomfortable showing there emotions ,I went the Drs last week and there was a lady sobbing her heart out nobody would look at her I went over and held her hand she told me her husband had passed away the day before from sepsis due to picking up in hospital having very bad ulcers she was totally alone no family in the area,so I waited for her to see the Dr and took her home made her tea and sat and talked,now she and I talk everyday,she calls me her angel I said I now how she feels ,she is shortly moving to be near sister,I must admit it made me feel a lot better ,maybe I should try and find somewhere to volunteer to help other people like that,I really felt good to do something like that but also know that for the rest of my life I wil always mourn the loss on my husband 55 years is a lifetime only in recent times many people have reached there golden weddings,I only wish it could have been more ,
Oh my goodness - I would ask have your friends been in the same position that you are in now?
I’m coming up to a year for my husbands death on Friday 7th October - I like you cry so very much and miss him everyday - some days are better than others. I would say a year is nothing - how can 35 years of love laughter and marriage (33 years) be forgotten and gotten over in a year?
Please do not listen to these people they are not you - even if they’ve gone through what you are going through they are different, their relationships are different to yours. My husband was my twin flame and I miss him so very much - as I say to people if my crying makes you uncomfortable that is your problem not mine - my heart broke into a million pieces 
at 17.25 hours on 7th October 2021 and I can’t see it mending anytime (if ever) soon xxx take care of you xxx
Hi Jessica1231, how well do we really know our friends? - (My brother died of a massive heart attack in February 2022.)
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One of my friends thinks that I am lucky because I will inherit my brother’s house now. (I would give all my money away in a heartbeat, if I could get my brother back.)
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Another friend from the 60’s lost his father and mother only about 5-6 years ago. You would think he would know how it feels to loose someone, but, he doesn’t. It looks as if he has no feelings at all. - I only found out some weeks ago. This friend had a dog in the 70’s who got hit by a car. The dog would have lost one of his hind legs, but, my friend did not want a three legged dog, and he had his dog put down. - I have not talked to this “friend” since then.
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New friends: I have made some new great friends since my brothers death. One of them lost her husband some years ago. We go to a bereavement meetings and just talk. Well, we also have coffee and cake. The meeting is only once a month but it helps tremendously. I just wish we could have this meeting more often. - Perhaps you have something like that near you. (I did not know until my neighbour told me.)
Take care, Nick
Hi, I’ve not been on here before but I felt that I would like to say. It’s 7 years since I lost my husband and I still feel as lost today as I did back then. A friend of mine told me that there is no right or wrong way to grieve, don’t let anyone tell you that you should be getting on with life, it’s not that easy when you’ve been together for so long, I was married for 41years when my husband had an accident on his bicycle, he went over the handlebars.
I hope you can find some peace and try to do things that you have always wanted to do. Take care and look after yourself.