It’s been just nearly 16 months and like you, I still feel as lost as I did all those months ago.
I was with Ian for nearly 40 years and he passed away only seven weeks after his cancer diagnosis.
How have you coped for seven years? I am still struggling to get through each day and just dread the rest of my life.
Friends and family just don’t seem to understand that it’s my life with Ian that I miss and that nothing I do, can ever change that.
I can distract myself but is that a way to live? I’ve started telling people what they want to hear rather than the truth as to how I’m feeling.
I’m having sporadic counselling but I feel it isn’t helping anymore as nothing can change what has happened.
As you say, we all grieve in our own way and time but for me, I’m not sure how much more I can take.
There is no set time to get over death. I think your friends haven’t had to get through grief of losing the person you love. You aren’t making a drama over it. It hurts and personally I don’t think it is good to try to pretend you’re feeling ok, as i think that would set you back. You would be living a lie. Sometimes you get stuck and need a hand to get through. It is good that you are getting grief counselling. But don’t think there is a timescale, it takes as long as it takes. I’m sure we would all love not to be here and continuing our lives. Have you spoken to your GP?
How thoughtless of your friend. I don’t think I personally will get over it. One friend I totally cut out my life within a few weeks as she compared me losing my partner to her losing her dog and asked how much he was insured for, like money was everything. But for a few years she was always harping on about my rich inlaws, like I was with my partner cos his parents were well off. I knew nothing about his family when we met. We never asked for money off of any of our families. I was glad she couldn’t make it to the funeral. The people who were there were the ones who I could rely on.
I just wanted to send you all some massive hugs after everything we have been through. It’s all rubbish, but we need to try & hang in there as best we can and seek out the good folk, fortunately they do exist. Ignore the unkind & ignorant people. Take care all xx
Hi Julie, I know it’s not easy but it’s the hand we were dealt, as I said to a friend, you never really get over it you learn to live with it. Like you, I just try to keep myself occupied. We were married for 41 years and everything happened so quickly. Bob went out with our son-in-law and 3 of the grandchildren for a bike ride, had an accident, he went over the handlebars and broke his back. He was put on a ventilator and in an induced coma for 4 days, when they brought him round and told him that he would be paralysed from the neck down and on a ventilator for the rest of his life he just told them to turn the machines off and said "I can’t live like that ". He was only 66 and talking about going down to working a 3 day week.
I try to think positively about what he would want me to do.
I’m so sorry for your loss and feel your pain but you can get through. I just take one day at a time.
I lost my Mum 4 months ago and agree with your comments about a cycle of grief, and not wanting to be over it because that means you’ve accepted life without your loved one. You don’t want to accept it. All a big jumble of emotions. The very best to you all.
What u r going through is the first stage of grief, &,
Yr world has been turned upside down,.
& it will take u a long time for u 2 get over Yr husband dying.
Nothing u do, or anything any or any 1 says will take Yr pain away.
Grief will ease with time. I lost my husband 5 yrs ago Dec.
& I tht I had been hit by a juggernaut lorry. I felt like, I had been smashed 2 pieces.
I was with my husband 30 years. The best time of my life.
Like Yr self I don’t have any children. So I came home 2 an empty flat, & it’s doesn’t matter how many friends or family u got, u r still on Yr own with Yr grief & the pain of Yr husband not being there.
I use 2 wake up crying & go 2 bed crying.
I got out as much as I could, & people don’t understand what u r going through unless they have been through it their selfs.
So don’t be hard on Yr self.
It took me 6 months 2 go 2 a bereavement group, as I lost all my confidence. But i did find it a great help. I found 1 @ a local hospice, the meeting was once a month, and & u speak about Yr grief,
u talk if u want 2.
& slowly getting out will help, but do it in yr own time.
I live in the heart of London. & I can go weeks & see no 1.
People have their own life’s. & in time u will get back 2 some normality.
But just take every day the best way u can.
& cry when u want 2.
Yr husband wouldn’t want u 2 u 2 be so sad, but we can’t help it.
Take care. & sending u a hug. X
I found once the funeral was over & u r on Yr own thats when u realise what has really happened,
Before it I was in a state of shock & on auto pilot.
& it then does just become an existence. X
I had known my late husband, Stuart, over 53 years and we practically grew up together. So it was devastating to lose him.
People can’t tell you how you should behave or do. I know friends mean well, but unless they have gone through it themselves they never know how it feels. No one ever feels the same anyway. Every Individual reacts differently.
It’s been just over a year since my husband died and I have been okay, but all the public grief for the recent death of the queen, has brought my own grief flooding back. Though my grief is real unlike the public grief that the public think they have.
There is no time limit to how you feel, but the way I look at it is, being miserable isn’t going to bring him back, so I try really hard to go for walks and join things I may not have before. I still struggle and have bad days, but I have some fantastic memories. I write a grief diary most days and I even text my my husband still, things about my day and the things I do. I didn’t really find counselling helped, but that does not mean it won’t help you or other grieving people, as I said before everyone is different on handling their grief.
It’s usually takes one day at a time.
All the best
I lost my wife eighteen months ago and still cry most days. Let know one tell you when to move forward that’s your decision. I have cut friendships to protect my sanity as I have also had to battle cancer. The people on this group are caring and fully understand the pain you are going through. Take care x
I too lost my wife just over a year ago
After a 20 year blissful marriage.
I do go out line dancing but miss her so much .people say I should start dating again but I can’t …I still feel married to her and I love her .ig you want to message and talk please feel free to do x
There is no timeline to grief.
One day you will feel ok and the next will be like a sledgehammer to your heart.
It is 10 months today since my husband passed away and I go to activities most days and work 2 days a week. It doesn’t matter how busy I am I can still feel an emptiness even when I’m doing enjoyable things. All I can say is take each day as it comes and be kind to yourself. Knowing you will have good and bad days and knowing that is NORMAL. Xx
Hi my husband died 4 years ago and my grief is as raw as it was on the day he died , having a daughter I kept going it’s been a very hard 4 years . I now take one day at a time and each day I take one hour at a time it’s the only way I can get through a24 hour period
I feel for you and your loss and I have hope that one day life will
Be lived rather than just existed , wish you all the very best
Broken2222, no one know what it is like to be in our position unless they too have suffered a loss. You will gradually start to feel, not exactly better, but maybe more accepting of your situation. I lost my husband July 2020, so I am a little further on in this journey, but I still have tough days. I have just joined a choir to get me out of the house. But in all honesty, when I get home I just want to curl up on the sofa. So what I am saying is, it takes as long as it takes, and every step forward is a goal reached. Take care of yourself, that’s what is important. X
Hi Lauralou,
What a very sensible answer and so true! My husband died around the time yours did, June 2020 and like you, I am coping. I am a crafter and really miss Tony admiring my creations, or making constructive suggestions, so crafting isn’t the same any more. Nothing is though, is it?
But carrying on is all we can do. I wish you and everyone else who feels as we do, peace and hope.
Hugs,
Ann
Hi Tim, I know exactly how you feel . I thought I would die just after my husband did, I asked him every day to come and get me I begged and pleaded . But I now realise it’s not up to him . If it was he wouldn’t leave me here struggling each day . So I know I have to just keep on each hard lonely day till it’s my time to join him . I thought it might get a little easier once I had been through all the firsts. But it is harder . I can’t say this time last year and think of my happy life and husband still with me . Now it’s just remembering and feeling all the hurt and devastation of the past year that my world stopped and I lost me not only my husband . All we can do is take one day at a time and hope things might get a little easier . Xtake carex
Hi lauralou, thank you for your kind words. It does help knowing that people do care and there might be some hope in the future . At the moment I can’t even think of trying to do anything, I do go to work ,and talked myself in to going out with work colleagues, but on the day I got in such a state I think it was a panic attack . So didn’t bother . But maybe one day I might feel ready do try something. Glad you have found something that might help you . Xtake carex
Dear Broken, you could be echoing me, I don’t want to live and I have been praying every night that I would die but one of the last things my husband said to me was I know you will grieve but I want you to go on and be happy. It has been just over a year now . I thought I was doing really well until an incident at work last week really knocked me back so much that I no longer even want to leave the house. Everything hurts me and makes my grief worse. I am having counselling but it doesn’t seem to help that much. I now feel that as I am the one going through this I am just going to have get myself through it, minute by minute and in my time. I never asked for this to happen, I loved our life together as you said now ever day is a struggle for me, sending much love to you all.
