Hi, is anyone else awake?
Cant stop crying
Trying to make sense of it all. But nothing makes sense.
I’m supposed to be moving on, but how?
I miss him so much, I dont know how to carry on any more
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Oh Liro. I’m here and awake but it’s a wee while since you posted and I hope you are maybe sleeping now.
I can’t make sense of it either and I don’t know how to move on so I’m sorry - I’m not much use.
I also feel similar to how you do I think tonight.
I have times where the sheer gravity of the loss is completely overwhelming and I feel that I just cannot bear this indescribable pain. I try not to dwell on it but tonight my son phoned and we were chatting about his weekend plans as it is his girlfriend’s birthday and he asked what my plans are for the weekend.
And it just hit me full force that for the rest of my life I will need to plan things or I will be completely alone. Not right now as my daughter still lives here, but in a couple of years when I hope she is strong enough to carry on and go to university, I still won’t have that other half of myself to just be there with. Making plans or not.
It’s maybe not the same as how you are feeling tonight but I hope it gives you some comfort that you are not alone in your anguish - and I am sure there are thousands out there ( and on this site) who feel much the same.
How people manage to get through this pain is something I have yet to understand but people do , and have done for millennia. So we must be able to do it too right ??
Message back if you’re still awake. Or any time.
Sending much love to you 
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Thankyou @roni52
Yes I did eventually drop off, somewhere around 4 I think.
I’m 24 weeks in and I thought I was starting to cope.
Lately I’ve been struggling again amd last night it just hit me again
It maybe that recently I’ve realised that it was about this time last year that Roger first became unwell, but we weren’t prepared for the outcome a few months later.
So I keep going over everything and all the what ifs and whys are re surfacing.
Our brains just won’t let us rest will they?
Constantly trying to remind us of what we’ve lost.
Thankyou for caring. I’m sorry you were struggling too.
I know you’re right, somehow people do get through this, and we will too, eventually.
Love and hugs
I’m glad you got some rest eventually.
I’m just a couple of weeks behind you at 22 weeks today. My husbands first symptom of losing his voice was in September, diagnosed with “the best “ thyroid cancer in November, surgery in January, then rediagnosed with the “bad” thyroid cancer in February and given only weeks to live.
Like you say - not prepared for that outcome at all …
I think it all takes time to process and I just find the days are getting harder and harder, but I am doing a bit more so perhaps that’s to be expected.
Feel this is a long haul situation for me so am trying hard to not totally lose the plot.
Be kind to yourself - it isn’t long since we lost them and I think it’s really lots of ups and downs. That just reflects our love I think - but it doesn’t make it any easier does it.
Keep posting - you are so encouraging to others and so let us support you too when you are in need. Message anytime.
Sending a big hug and love to get through today xx
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I am only early in this awful horrendous journey, just over 8 weeks. I cant still get it right in my head he isnt ever coming home again. Its so bloody hard my heart is broken the tears fall fast. 
i am sending you all hugs because i sure as hell need them. Xxx
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Sending some hugs back. Hope your day is as good as it can be at the moment. X
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Hi
Hope you are feeling a little better?. It is so, so soon for you, give yourself time, you are grieving and everything you are going through is normal. Take it hour by hour and day by day, it will get less intense and more bearable. It’s way too early for you to be moving on, try not to put yourself under this added pressure and don’t be afraid to grieve. The brain is trying to unravel everything so you will be processing it all and it can feel overwhelming. I am 17mths further on and trust me you will adapt. A little bit of advice, try to limit your time on here, it doesn’t help seeing everyone else grieving and reading their posts whilst you are dealing with your own emotions. The time to be on here is when you are a bit further on and then it’s more helpful as you are able to step back a bit. Constantly reading other people’s heartbreak is not the best thing to be doing at this stage it can have the opposite affect and can pull you down further.
You will work it out when it’s the right time and be able to have more good days than bad. Big hugs and accept what is happening to you, it’s completely normal. Love Lyn
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Thsnyou Lyn
Such wise words
I have been told by some that its still early days, but others seem to think you’re ‘over it’ by now
I will try to stop expecting too much of myself.
I have to admit to going at it head on.
Going out, going away, seeing friends, acting like I’m coping.
Inside I’m not.
I’ll try to give myself more time and be kinder to myself
Love and hugs
Liz x x
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There is a saying “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and we don’t get over a great love we just adapt to it the best we can, I was the same, went at it 100 miles per hour but it doesn’t help it just distracts you from actually feeling the grief and processing it fully. I also came off here for a while as I found it all too depressing on top of my own grief. I was scared of it all and not being able to control my emotions but once I learnt to go with the flow and feel it all I found a peace in it and then started taking little steps in what I now want from life and how to achieve it. The greatest help for me was journalling, writing everything down, getting it all down on paper, it was the most therapeutic thing I have ever done. You will be ok Liz but only when you let go of trying to control it all. Hope you get some sleep xx
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Wise word @LynT
It’s only 5 months for us both @Liro which in the grand scheme of things is no time at all.
But I hate feeling like this and just want to feel a little bit better - I’m sure you do too.
I thought I would try and make a bit of a plan today for moving forward, since my daughter goes back to school tomorrow - and I am a planner at heart and always have something ready to try to improve things.
Big mistake. Had a bit of a meltdown by trying to think too far ahead and felt I was looking at a bleak future.
So I Am going back to day by day, and if I have to do that for a few years yet then so be it.
I hope there will be a time for us both when we can really truly start to feel able to move forward with our grief.
Until then it’s a work in progress.
Sending love and thanks xx
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roni52
It’s only natural to want to be out of pain, when we have a headache we take paracetamol. Grief is mainly to do with the heart, soul and brain and until they all sync together it’s a battle but instead of resisting it just ride it out. Plans only happen when we can follow them through so best not to make any for at least the first year, nothing big anyway. Just focus on being in the present and allowing everything to just flow through you. The more you do this the grip of grief lessens until it becomes manageable and don’t listen to people who tell you this is it for the rest of your life because it isn’t. Life will always be what we make of it regardless. Life is a choice and when you arrive at the point of making a choice of what you want your heart will tell you. Limit your exposure to negativity just stay neutral to your feelings
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I have to say last night. I laid awake for hours.
It’s been 20 weeks and I also thought that things were getting a little better but, I seem to have had a dip.
This is the lack of routine that’s causing me problems and the way the world seems to hurry on it such a pace. And when I’m not sure I’m ready to keep up with but, I have to because I have two teenage children.
And the heat doesn’t help. When it’s been hot before we took chairs into the garden and lay looking at the stars.
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My sons have said the same to me but I’m only 4 weeks in! Need to know I’m not alone although each and every one of us is really alone in our own grief! I’m joining an ‘in-person’ bereavement support group next week….not sure if that’ll be any different but feel I need that human contact as well xx
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Hi Lyn,
I have slept but I’m awake again early, broken sleep seems normal now.
I don’t feel so wretched tonight. Just very sad.
I’ve taken on board what you have said and it all makes sense.
24 weeks is nothing out of the 42 years we had and I am expecting much too much.
I will learn to go with my grief and get through when I’m ready, which obviously isn’t yet.
I do write to Roger every night and yes it does really help me.
I’ve taken on board what you said about being on here too much and I must admit there are times that I think I can’t deal with it and it all does get too much. But I also want to help others if I can.
Thankyou Lyn for you kindness and thoughtfulness
Love and hugs
Liz x x
Hi @roni52 , @KtG and @Ginger68
Yes were all suffering pretty much the same.
Were all trying to run before we can walk
I think we should all maybe take on board Lyns advice.
She’s ahead of us in her grief and has the experience of time.
I think we"re all the same trying to conform to society’s view of grief.
Give it a couple of months and you’ll be back to normal
We all know that is wrong and it will take much much longer, and the ‘normal’ we once had has gone forever.
We now need to make a new normal.
I know its hard and we don’t want to, we just want our old lives back, but that’s not going to happen.
Lyn is right we must just grieve, as long as it takes, we are all different so it will be different for all of us.
Sending you all love and hugs
Lets take strength from each other
Liz x x
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You are right liz and Lynn gives some good advice with her experience of time with grief.
I want to move on and start to shape my new life but I’m just not ready and obviously still have a lot to process.
I worry I spend too much time on here for support, distractions and answers, but they aren’t here. I can’t bend grief to fit my plans which is so annoying and I maybe just have to accept that this is mostly out of my control however hard that is to accept.
I don’t want to be isolated but I struggle
to tolerate others as they just don’t get it. My friend wanted to come round last night but I didn’t want to see her. She is amazingly supportive but she has her own life and she tries so hard to understand and help ( which she does) but I know it’s hard to see me like this - completely broken. And she can’t make it any better - the end result is always the same - he is gone.
I still struggle to understand how I got here.
I am doing things even though I’m not back at work. I’m volunteering today and playing pickleball tonight. I would rather hide in bed but I know I will feel better if I go.
Supporting one another is the way forward. I think an in person group is a great idea - we don’t have any near me but maybe I will look to see if I could travel to get to one.
I hope you all find a little bit of peace today
Sending love and hugs xx
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Hi @roni52
We’ve got a tough journey in front of us, but we will do it.
I will make a new life eventually but Roger will be with me every step of the way.
It won’t so much be a new life as a different life. It’s not what I wanted but something I’ve got to do.
When the time is right.
I go to a drop in centre run by the Hospice that Roger died in, it really helps, everyone is in the same boat and there are trained counsellors on hand if you need a one to one.
Curiosity is getting the better of me.
What is pickleball? 
Big hugs
Liz x x
Have you found a bereavement group in Devon ? Cos 17 weeks on I can’t find a face to face one in Torbay ? I mean I don’t want a “knit and natter “ group or someone getting out a guitar and singing over the rainbow on the back beach !
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I love your positivity Liz.
You will get there and I know i can do it too - and we will get somewhere that is better in time. I just had no idea it would be so difficult.
Isn’t it amazing how everyone is so different. My husbands brother died 2 years ago from a brain tumour and I’ve never been close to my sister in law but she is bubbly and positive and I truly thought she would cope well and find someone new in time. She looks like she’s coping but I now know it’s been a completely different story that I wasn’t aware of.
And my friends husband died when out on a cycle ride very unexpectedly 3 years ago. But she and her kids have dealt with the grief so differently and she struggles to understand what I am feeling and why I spend so much time supporting my kids who are all devastated.
We do all process the loss differently!!
I had started seeing a counsellor at my husbands hospice where he died before the school holidays and will go back next month. I’m not sure it has helped much so far, and I think being around people who are in a similar situation would be more helpful to me. But she said it was too early for me to join their group - but will ask again when I see her. I’m glad you have one local to you.
Pickleball is a mix of badminton, tennis and table tennis. I started after my husband died and it’s good fun. It takes my mind off of my grief and it’s mostly new people who don’t know about my husband passing. That makes it easier to chat although I know at some point I will probably have to share a bit more of my situation with them.
Ive also taken up golf with a friend. I’m rubbish so far and lack motivation to go out much but I hope it’s something else I can get more into to help with the loneliness and empty days.
My husband will be annoyed with me as he was a good golfer and was always on at me to take it up. “Maybe when we retire “ I said.
Anyway I am rambling on.
Hope you have as good a day as you can all
Sending love and strength. Xx
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Well I’m trying to be positive anyway.
I’m going to try to go with the grief, not wallowing, but not trying to run away from it.
I do do plenty of things to keep me occupied, but nothing as enegetic as pickleball sounds 
I am going to try to walk more, I used to walk a lot but since Roger left I only go out when I need to.
Consequently I’m putting on weight although I’m not eating much.
That sounds a strange thing to say, that it’s too early to join a group. I was probably about 15 weeks when I started going but that was because I hadn’t looked into it before. A lady who started a couple of weeks ago was only 4 weeks.
Sending love and hugs
Liz x x
I do find it very helpful
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