The point is. I don’t know your pain and you don’t know mine. So how can we compare. We can’t. So let’s just all pull together and be kind
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Yes Jooles, it varies so much in different circumstances. There can never be a ‘fix all’, on this subject. Everyone reacts so differently. I must confess that the pain I felt on losing my parents was nothing compared with my recent loss. But I never really got on with my parents. Could that be the explanation? Did I love them? Good question. My mother was not by any standards a good mother, and my father was a bit of a wimp overruled by my mother. See what I mean? I was glad to leave home. So to judge is almost impossible. Thanks for your kind words. John.
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Jonathan,
Im the opposite.
I didnt have great relationships with men until my current partner that I have been with since I was nearly 40.
However my mum was my best friend for 48 years until her sudden death last year. I am finding it very hard to come to terms with my loss but this site very often focuses on the loss of a partner as worse.
What a relief to see your post and see others talking about their loss for their parents.
I’m pleased you raised this thread.
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Me and my dad were talking yesterday and I said how much my heart hurts over mum. And he said “well that’s tantamount to your love for her”. He then said he didn’t really grieve his dad yet his mum he has never got over funny old world. Grief. Love. Pain. It’s different for everyone
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This subject matter would have come up, if Johnathan hadn’t brought it up first. I had intended to put my views on grief comparison on the feedback page. The fact that ‘a small few’, wish to continue to minimize this subject matter speaks volumes.
This site should be about empathy and compassion! Not a playground where grief is rated.
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Meebee I think what she was trying to say was that in her current frame of mind the comments were triggering her and making her mental health worse. I completely get that. I suffer with anxiety from time to time and it can be a harsh word that can send you spiralling. We shouldn’t ridicule someone for that. I’m sorry people on here make you feel like that Meebee and still continue with it after your heartfelt post.
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Yes C1971. It’s just what I was asking. Pain is pain. Mental or physical. But unlike physical pain mental pain can get to our very roots. I think most of us would agree that we could cope with physical pain a lot better than mental. Hearts are broken and can never be mended no matter what the loss. Where there was real love the heart can never be mended. Patched up maybe so we can go on living and even get a little happiness again, but it still lingers. There have been folk on here who, after 20 years, still find it difficult. Glad you got some little relief. Best wishes. John.
Hi. Meebee. I remember someone telling a me story about man in lodgings who had no relatives and few friends. He had had enough. He said to his landlady, I am going down to the canel and that’s it. But if anyone smiles at me on the way down I won’t do it. The question is, are you or I going to be the first persons he passes? None of us can know what is going on in another’s mind. It is a great presumption to think that. I do agree. We must be careful how we use words, but at the same time avoid ‘walking on eggshells’. There is not much in this world that is not controversial. Our opinions are very much our own. But perhaps we could try and see why we have those rigid opinions. Take care and thank you for those heartfelt posts. John.
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Yes Priscilla, and thank you for that. If we stick to the guidelines but ask a question that may be controversial to some, are we to be deleted? Some remark or some word may well upset someone on here. So do we not post a subject that might be in the least controversial, although it is in keeping with the guidelines because it may upset some people? Respect, tolerance, empathy are all important. My post was entirely innocent. So the whole post could be taken off if some choose to make it controversial. Now that’s sad because it would not have been my fault, and the post seems to have helped many. Can you not just delete the wrong posts that cause division and leave the rest intact? Kind regards. John.
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I have been following this thread with great interest and agree that it is “good” to discuss such issues…as long as we all remember to respect opinions which differ from our own. Grief is unique…many of us older posters have experienced the death of more loved ones than we care to bring to mind and each event has affected us deeply but in differing ways…it is not only the loss of the actual relationship that affects us but our circumstances at the time. 2020 has been a ghastly year for many people…even those whose loss predates the virus have been affected by the lockdown and constant media negativity…it is no wonder that we sometimes react without thinking of the effect we might be having on others reading our words. However, this site has its inception in support and an inner desire to reach out and try to help others whose pain we so recognise…perhaps this thread has helped us remember that.
Personally, I think grief is just that…personal and unique to the death concerned. We may experience common effects but the pain is ours and ours alone.
Take care of yourselves everyone…and let’s try to keep posting and give care to each other x
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You’ll be missed my lovely Sandra but I understand. 
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Kate, I think you’re not so crazy after all! You advised caution and were right to do so. I am a reader now with reluctance to reply .
Sandra, this was an ask, too far. May you continue to get through each day with courage and love, my kind regards, xx
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Sandra. I am so sad that maybe it was my post that made you decide to leave. We are all entitled to our opinions. I still fail to see how the post was divisive. There have been many comments in regard to the depth of suffering and I thought maybe a thread on the subject may help. We are all in a muddle, and tolerance must come into the picture. May I wish you well for the future. Kind regards. John.
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Well said. Too many people on here are keen to blame others when sometimes, they might be at fault themselves.
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Hi
I have probably been one of those that chose to stay silent although I have not followed it for a while I have now caught up. I will now admit that this thread has shown me a great deal about other peoples grief. I have lost most of my family and felt grief but losing my husband Brian has hit me like a sledgehammer and perhaps I had become a little blinded to other peoples grief. Yes I agree our own grief is unique to us. I knew I was going to lose my husband and thought I had prepared myself but we don’t choose how to grieve, it dictates to us. Yes, I must agree that it has been good to discuss this issue with each other, it’s an adult subject and should be dealt with in an adult way and hopefully it will bring about yet more love and understanding for each other,
Pat xx
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Lovely words Pat. A thread is only devisive if we make it or let it.
I’ve had a call that my best friends mum died suddenly last night. I know the pain they will be going through as a family. The dad died several years ago so they are left with no parents and are only late 30’s. So another form of grief on a different scale happening there.
Hi Jooles
I am sure that you will be able to offer help and love to your best friend. You have walked the road that they now have to walk, you know exactly how they will feel. It’s a hard and brutal lesson we have had to learn but now we have the ability to use that experience to help others.
xx
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