Having read a few posts about how the pain is less than for others, I thought I would just ask if anyone has a ‘scale’ for grief. Is losing a son or daughter different to losing a much loved parent? Or a son who loses his mother that brought him up and loved him? A partner may be close, but it does depend on the depth of love. Some people dislike their partners and there is no love. Some dislike their parents. I wonder if we can separate one grief from another. Pain is pain, however it occurs and to whom. Should we make judgements as to who we think should be in more pain than someone else? Just asking! Best wishes. John.
Jonathan I’m glad you bought this up. Because I do not underestimate losing a partner /soul mate is horrific. Losing a child is not the order of things and I would say is the most painful loss of all if we had to scale. But what if someone never gets married or meets their soul mate. So the loss of their parent will be the worst loss that person will ever experience. And what if they lived with them their whole lives the absence in their lives would be the same as losing a partner. I don’t think it’s worse or less for anyone it really does depend on that relationship you have with that person
Great question. I don’t think there is. Losing my dad is much, much worse than losing my mum’s mum (who I loved), but I would never say losing a parent is worse than losing a grandparent. What seems to happen is that some people appear to project their own personal experiences into generalisations, there is a woman on Sue Ryder’s forum who posted that her mum told her on holiday in Tenerife that the loss of her husband was “so much worse” than her losing her child, how can someone say this, there is another forum called Grief Healing Discussion Groups, where the Admin posted “I want to add my voice to this discussion, by gently suggesting to all our members and visitors that it is pointless to compare the magnitude of one person’s loss with that of another”.
John, I would be very careful with this…
Spot on Johnathon. Comparing one grief against another devalues the other persons grief. It’s hurtful.
Every time, I see a poster making a comparison regarding one grief versus another grief, it upsets me greatly. Grief should not be compared.
Personally, I would like to see the comparison of one person grief against another banned on the sue ryder forum, as it is hurtful to other people who are suffering.
Who is to say that one grief is worse than another! I lived with my mother for 44 years in total. The majority of my life, as her carer. Yet, I read posts which state the loss is not as painful as a husband or wife.
There is no hierarchy in grief, as each relationship is unique. Plus, not everyone is in a traditional family set up, so statements of comparison would only have a limited view.
Grief is felt. It is raw. It can be traumatic and it is deeply painful.
If someone lost a dog or a best friend, I wouldn’t dream of saying their grief was less. The focus should be compassion and empathy, not comparisons which hurt other people.
We grieve because we love. And the grief that we feel is relative to that love. But there is more to it we are all here because we are grieving very someone close. And we understand that grieve in the others because we know what it felt like to be in the depths of pain. Sometimes our grief can bring other issues which can cause all sorts of extra hardships and loss.(sometimes this is because of financial hardship or problems with relatives brought about by the original bereavement) Some people are here because they don’t know where else to turn ( and this I believe after reading lots and lots of posts from all different people in different stages of grief and different types of losses.) i find the people who have not just lost a parent or a child or partner or a sibling or someone else really close. The hardest grief for anyone to bear is someone who has lost everyone in a short space of time they have lost children and partners and parents. My heart has gone out to a few people who have experienced loss like that on this site. And there are those people who even if they have lost one of these people(partner, child, parent, sibling) if that one person had become most of their world because of being a carer or for another reason and if they have no one left, that is the most difficult grief to bear because they have no one left to share their grief with. If you have just one close person left who feels as you do about the person you loved and they support you and you support them then somehow you will get through. Your grief is lessened a little because someone shares it and someone still loves you. But sometimes you are left with no one because someone died. Then I think your loss is harder to bear on an individual basis… Another grief that is harder to bear and even we who have lost one or two members of our family may find it hard to comprehend the depths of grief, is when your loved one dies because they are murdered or their loved one commits suicide.
People who have gone through some of these unimaginable types of pain and come out the other side or are able to write the kindest most thoughtful posts to another in the same situation as themselves are truly an inspiration to me. It is inspiring to read many peoples posts on here who empathise and care and support others and somehow we try to help each other get through another day. Because we all know what it is like to have bad days, days when we don’t want to get out of bed because of our losses. And sometimes a kind word from a stranger can make you feel that it is okay to try to take another step. And if you are that stranger that made that person feel just a tiny bit better then you feel a bit better too. And so we try to help each other get through another day because that is what we are here for. To get some help and support when we need it and to give help and support when others need it. Take care everyone. Everyone of us hurts in our own way and in our own time and it sometimes doesn’t truly hit us until years later. The child who has lost a mother may not fully grieve till she has a child of her own. It may only take a word or a smell years later and suddenly you are in floods of tears that you may have repressed years before just to get through the day or to be strong for another.
I think that is why so many people grieved so much for Princess Diana, because in someways it was a freedom to grieve all the repressed grief they had felt for their own loved ones.
Whatever your own grief it is important also to be mindful of others and be kind because here everyone grieves and it was a safe little bubble and i hope it will continue to be that way, for all those that need it.
It has been mentioned about a disagreement here I personally needed this site but because of being threatened and a particular thread which was previously started I felt bullied into leaving this site. I have not been on it for over a week except to answer a couple of private messages. Even that was hard. On the day the thread about blocking went up I went into a serious bout of depression and felt so low that I didn’t know why I was going on, I felt what was the point in living myself anymore and I knew that this site was not good for me at that time. I know that this is something that is hard for me because of my loss but I didn’t want to be somewhere that triggered it. But I also knew the people who supported me and got me through some of my most difficult days are also on here. I also felt that I was letting down a couple of people who have been private messaging me for support so this was a very hard decision for me. I have made some really good friends who know how I feel even if there loss is different. And I appreciate their loss too, in fact I appreciate and understand almost all types of loss… So I took a step back but since a couple of people who triggered my depression are here I want them to know what they did to me and to understand so that they think twice before they write things which could cause the same pain in others. I didn’t want to say anything because I do not in anyway want to instigate anymore trouble but I do think maybe this is the best place to say it. I hope that the people who were involved think about their actions and their effects take a step back and realise the consequences of their actions and be just a bit more thoughtful. I do not want to cause anyone any more pain as I understant how everyone is suffering but I also don’t want this situation to continue on this site. I want everyone to feel safe here, it was a little online sanctuary and I hope it will continue to be so. I want this to be the end of it. People need to be careful how they treat others on here . I don’t want there to be anymore trouble I just need people to think before they act. I am still depressed and still fighting it so I ask these people to please be kind. I have some wonderful friends and supportive people on here and I need this site and I don’t want to leave but its hard. please be kind in future. We need to preserve that safety bubble here that makes us all feel a little better.
However I do believe that it would be best for all if Sue Ryder where to reformat the site a little and allow both public and private threads (where people are invited) I think that would solve the problems that have been encountered in the last month. I also think making the site more easy to comprehend when threads go in differerent directions would be a good idea and make threads easier to follow… I wonder if it might be an idea to start a justgiving page for SueRyder to use to work on the website. Maybe we could then turn what has been a negative situation into a postive situation where we all do something to benefit everyone on here.
I think this discussion is helpful to those who feel that there is a hierarchy of grief and that their grief is treated as less.
@Daffy123 states “Who is to say that one grief is worse than another! I lived with my mother for 44 years in total. The majority of my life, as her carer. Yet, I read posts which state the loss is not as painful as a husband or wife”, and I have read such posts too, and I have only been here a few months. I appreciate that for some people losing their spouse is the worst thing that has happened to them, worse than losing their parent, and they have every right to say that, I don’t think there is anything wrong if someone says “losing my spouse was worse than losing my mum”, that’s their grief and they have every right to express that, the problem is when people make generalisations and say losing a spouse is worse than losing a parent, or losing a spouse at a younger age is worse than losing a spouse at an older age etc, such generalisations can be hurtful to others, as it minimises their grief, so it’s good that Jonathan has created this post, we should be able to discuss such topics here so that the community can improve and no one feels that their grief is being minimised.
I fail to see why a thread should be removed where several members of the forum have been enjoying the subject matter and having a conversation about it.
If there is a thread that people dont agree with then why comment?
I see plenty of threads where people who have lost partners describe it as the ‘worst pain in the world’.
I disagree as I’m going through a living hell since my mum died, but I refrain from joining in those threads and just stick to conversations regarding the loss of a parent.
Jonathan felt there was a discussion to be had and jooles, daffy, Abdullah and meebee had something constructive to add to it.
I comment rarely on the main forum but am tired of seeing members having to agree with one another just to keep the peace.
I wasn’t going to say any more on the subject, but the suggestion that this topic is not valid, ie trolling has prompted me. Yesterday, i came very close to writing to Sue Ryder Admin regarding the comparison of grief on this site.
Yesterday, hours before Johnathan posted, I was quite upset by a forum poster claiming the loss of a partner was worse than a parent. It followed only a few days on from a similar claim. It has been happening fairly frequenly.
Such comparrisions are causing unnessary extra pain.
Who is to say that one grief is worse than other? And why should there be a need to say it, since everyone on Sue Ryder is grieving and suffering.
I hope this thread get moved to feedback. I believe the subject matter raised should be taken seriously by Sue Ryder admin.
Quote pulled from google
" Comparison Robs Dignity. When you compare one relationship to another, it automatically robs dignity from the person who’s made to feel as if their loss isn’t as big, for whatever reason. It also negates the basic truth that all grief is experienced at 100%."
Dignity - the state or quality of being worthy of honour or respect.
Totally agree, but Jonathan has asked the question is there a scale for grief. This article explores that. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK217848/
This forum should not be not about comparing one against the other, it’s about understanding we are all dealing with loss. The comparison issue is not exclusive to one group.
XXX, Thank you for your apology.
However, I don’t remember any post from you regarding this subject matter. I tend to concentrate on the actual post and not always upon who posted it. It’s a busy forum.
It did make me think yesterday about my brother and how his grief is even different from mine over my mums. My brother we think has some kind of spectrum disorder and cannot seem to engage in close relationships. The only love he has ever known is through my mum. But I have two children a husband to help me through my grief. He has no one and he won’t let me or my dad in. I think what happens and I have seen it through my dad and those that have lost their soulmate. Is the loneliness they had to endure. But my brother will be dealing with that now because of his own situation. I think this could ge a great discussion of we pull together and discuss it with love and empathy.
That’s fine but I’m sure we can find an online article that covers most subjects raised on this forum. It doesnt mean it cant be discussed here as well.
From what I can see, some members found this to be a really useful thread and that’s what matters.
Actually I do a lot of reading and research. But refrain usually from sharing. I’ll let you all get on with your discussion. But as I said, the question posed was is there a scale for grief. Responses are getting personal in my opinion.
With a name like xxx I would probably remember if you wrote an offending post. You did not, so no appolgy needed.
I’ve just been reading through all the posts, and I’d just like to ask everybody to remember the community guidelines and try to keep the discussion respectful.
Although this was certainly a difficult subject matter that could raise some strong emotions, people were managing to discuss it respectfully and there have been some very thoughtful and balanced posts. It looks as though some of you are finding it helpful, so I don’t want to close it, but I will do so if it becomes more focused on arguing than on discussing the original topic.
Oh Kate. I think most would agree that my very last motive is to cause trouble. I would never deliberately set out to upset anyone and I am SO very sorry if it has caused anyone problems. I did say ‘only asking’. The response I have had is heartening and I thank all those who have posted a positive response. We can so easily ‘touch a nerve’ on this site or trigger a response that is out of context. I have no desire to fall out with you or anyone else over a simple question. Take care Kate and Blessings. John.
If it ends the unnecessary comparison that happens and restores this forum to one of kindness, it will be wonderful. I’m totally disillusioned with it at the moment, but will not be bullied into leaving.
Jonathan. I think you have done just fine. Please don’t question yourself. The discussion was going fine.
Anyway. another view on this is that I have seen the devastation of losing a child. I can’t even think about something happening to my own. But what about those that have never had children. My aunt and uncle were soulmates who only needed each other. When he died a very sudden death at 58 her world imploded. Her heart will hurt as much but in a different way to the loss of a mother losing a child