Oh how your stories resonate with me. The nhs let my husband Chris down badly too. Took from feb 2020 to Dec to diagnose his cancer by which time it was too late. So many parts of the nhs were closed to ‘cope’ with covid, wards closed, consultations stopped. So many deaths not of covid but because of covid. So much sorrow and heartache, so many people not able to have loved ones with them. If this is our beloved nhs then it’s broken beyond repair. Take care all of you, we owe it to our lost loved ones to somehow summon the strength to try to get through this, hoping for sleep tonight for all of us. Xx
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All of your comments so resonate with me. I lost my beloved husband in December 2020; a year on and I can’t imagine dragging myself through another 12 lonely months. I too think ‘ is this it ? Is this my life now ? Just pretending to everyone about everything and trying to fill hours and struggling and feeling vulnerable whilst every single thing in the house is breaking down and the car doesn’t work and all I can do is drink too much and spend money on things I neither want or need to distract me for a while- just to blot out the fact that all I want is for him to come back and help me. His treatment for cancer was interrupted “because of Covid” ; the NHS has let so many people down in the same way. He should still be here now.
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Morning,you have covered most of what happened to Judith in hospital,they were slow in giving pain relief,some of the nursing care was not very caring and I too was told that my dear wife was dying in a matter of fact way.7 weeks in this ward and during my long visits to her I noticed plenty of slap dash.The food was delivered to her but I had to feed her.My Daughter and I cleaned my wife 6/7 times a day because of the bladder cancer getting worse.I was not that happy most of the time in there. Michael x
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Thank you Rose for your support.Yes mistakes were made and poor Judith paid the price. Michael x
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Michael you will feel awful but how can you feel anything else? You have lost the love of your life your reason for living. It’s hard I know I am going through it too but I try and only dwell on my loss when I go to bed or walk my dog - try and think of something you can do to honour her memory. help someone that needs help - a young or old family member or neighbour that needs a handy man - put yourself to good use and you will find this helps. I give my time and care to anyone now who needs it and I do it because I gave most of my time and my love to my husband and I know I made him happy from the day I met him at 17 until the day he died at 72 (we were both the same age) so your love and care is going to waste and that is sad. It doesn’t work everyday but being busy tires me out and then I can go to bed and sleep. I have no plans to replace my husband at all because I know I had the best man in the world but what choice have we got as I see it get up -get on -until it’s your time and then you will be together forevermore. I hope you are all going to be ok on this site -we all tackle grief in our own way so just do what is right for you and try and find days that are more bearable as you go along this path -there is no miracle cure or tablet so it’s up to each and everyone of us to find a way that works.
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Sending love hugs xx
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Thank you Rose your very kind
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Dear Sanbay
I really agree with all you say. This experience of loss is devastating on so many levels. The loneliness is the worst thing for me. Its not just the fact of being alone in the house, its the fact that I’ll never hear his key in the door again, we’ll never sit together watching telly under our blanket again, he’ll never look at me again and say “I really love you Soph”, etc etc etc etc. The loss of all those intimacies leaves this big gaping hole in my heart that can never be filled.
But you’re so right about needing to look outside of ourselves and reach out to others. Even just getting out of the house and saying hello to someone and getting a smile from them in return helps me, and perhaps the other person too sometimes. We don’t know what other hells people are going through.
There’s a pool I go to twice a week and a man who is often there, doing his slow swim or walking up and down the swim lane, and who must be 85 at least, told me his wife died 10 years ago, and that going to the pool is his social life. I think it’s more than that; it’s his way of staying alive emotionally, and I admire him for it greatly.
If we’re to survive this horror film that we’re unwillingly starring in, and get beyond wishing to die ourselves, I believe we need to find things to do which distract us for a few minutes, and MAKE ourselves do it even if we don’t feel like it, even if its just a walk round the block. Connecting in some way with other human beings, or with animals, not hiding away too much, and starting to feel a sense that life has some worth, is so so important for our mental health. I know that those we’ve lost would want that for us.
With love and happier times to all of us x
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Hello Sophie
I’m sorry for your loss. I’m a widow too, of five years. Something you just said was a huge reminder of our earlier married life that had dropped off my radar and that was about watching TV under your blanket. How can a stranger bring back another strangers memories just like that, I have to say thankyou. Your post was quite touching about the man in the pool and extending thoughtfulness. Much kindness to you Sophie.
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Hi just read your post and that you are five years through this loss how have you got on with your life with out your love one any advise how and is life worth it people on here are good with words I am not just hurting badly x
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Hello Rose.
So sorry to read of your loss. It’s quite difficult to say really, I felt the 2nd year to be harder. I wondered why, was it me? But after reading I understood it was like that for many people. Nature seems to look after the grieving process behind the scenes however, so over time the grief isn’t as jagged. It is still there but other things both good and bad, fight for space in your mind and you don’t seem to dwell as much. I have no interest in finding a new partner. I can’t say I’m envious of couples, maybe a bit wistful. A widow once said to me “you will get through it”. I thought how on earth can they say that, but somehow it happens.
I know it’s not really a helpful answer, but I just wanted to say that there is the potential to find contentment in life, we may not think it nor want it, but there is potential. I used to love plants etc with my Husband and thought I’d never be able to sweep up a stray leaf again, let alone have the incentive to buy a plant. But I did, a long time coming, but I did. Take care and sending kind thoughts.
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Hi Sophie - the gentleman that swims is a good example of what you have to do when you are grieving to make your days bearable- and I do think that men find it more difficult than women to do that sort of thing so he must have had to push himself to do that in the early stages of his loss. I hope that at some point all who have suffered the loss of a partner finds it easier to cope as time passes - it is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and I am one of the luckier ones - I have three daughters and four grandchildren who really care and give me their time for which makes my life more bearable . I miss my husbands presence in my days and nights and him looking after me. I think about him all the time and fortunately they are happy thoughts until you get to the part that it is no longer possible to have those times again. My thoughts are with all of you that post on here and maybe tomorrow will be a good day. X
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Thank you for your reply I glad you can find contentment I will never want another partner I was lucky to have found true love was married for 45 yrs never long enough a feel cheated that I am a widow at 66 had plans to grow old together was not meant to be I guess so very sudden hope we can all find strength to get through this and remember all our memories it’s only 8 months only feels like yesterday love to all xx
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My husband died in sept and I hadn’t been swimming for 2 years because of looking after him and the pandemic. A few weeks ago I forced myself to go as I thought it’s something to fill the day in. I felt good that I had done it and went for a few weeks until I caught cold and a chest infection. Going back to it tomorrow. Exercise does really help even if it’s just a walk.
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I agree j am going for walks and did manage to go to a gentle Zumba class for over 60 it was ok and met new people and I go swimming hard in your own but that how it is may meet people in same position one day hope you all manage to sleep x
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Hello again Rose. I understand as I don’t wish to find another partner either. If you had that uniqueness in your partner you have nothing you need to search for have you. For myself, my Husband was the brighter light of us both. I think I’m contented to not feel the need to “start again” rather than a “happy” contented. 8 months since you lost your Husband is just a blink of an eye compared to your long happy life together. You will still feel terribly shaky. Look after yourself well and just “be”. Sending kindness.
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Thank you take care xx
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Hiya rose I was 65 when my husband passed its. So hard we had so many plans lv annie x
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My bad days are becoming more frequent now,I am having to accept that Judith has gone ,I put it out of my mind for weeks but now it is all too real.She is not here and I am distraught,devastated,destroyed.I have a friend who tells me to move on,how can he say that to me when he knew how much she meant to me.I will never move on.She was my whole world,the reason to be alive and now that reason is no more.My days now are empty,I just drift along like a ship in a windless sea.I never smile anymore,I find life so worthless now.I do get hungry so I do eat but it is eating alone ,no pleasure in that without Judith next to me at the table.I look at her things ,her garden and it makes me cry so much.How can this be when we loved each other so much. Michael x
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So sorry for your loss mate. Your friend obviously hasn’t lost someone they love people just don’t understand how empty our lives are without our loved ones . Everyone grief is different I feel the same today as I did in August when Jim had to leave me everyday is a struggle to get out of bed and just put one foot in front of the other. Don’t let anyone say how you should feel take your time my friend and perhaps one day we can all except this awful life we how have.
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