Hi Gentle5, I know exactly what you mean, we r trying to hold onto the memories but in doing so it makes us even sadder because we want to still be doing all those thing together.
What a dilemma?
I miss him so much and tell him so everyday when I’m crying, I also tell him I need him to come back??? 
How do we ever feel happy again?
Love and hugs 
Jacky
It’s so very hard Jacko, I miss him so much, it’s such a lonely existence, and the silence is unbearable sometimes. Take care, hugs. X
1 Like
@Jacko25 I find that vwey hard as well. Or trying to carry on doing something without them.
Last night I watched a movie. I realised I know he would have loved it, and it was heartbreaking not having him here to see him enjoy it, and for us to share it together. 
I feel so unable to enjoy without him.
Mx
1 Like
Dear Christy
Exactly how I feel. I cry morning, noon and night. For those people who tell us to start moving forward they can change places with me every evening when I sit alone, looking at the seat where my husband used to sit and smile across at me. Now cry uncontrollably for everything I have lost.
This time last year we were ecstatic because our first grandchild had been allowed home after spending the first 3 months of his life in hospital. Twelve months on and I welcomed a new grandchild - this time it is only me. No husband to celebrate with, having to write a card without his name. Crying tears of joy and even more tears for our loss.
Nothing now feels real. We had so much to look forward to and now he is not here and I am struggling more and more every day.
2 Likes
I don’t know what the answer is Merrin.
Wanting to remember them and feeling sad, trying to carry on doing things you did together and feeling sad, doing nothing and feeling sad. Even when I don’t feel sad I feel like I’m just doing what I need to do to get through the day, no purpose to anything.
Sometimes when we had our long meaningful discussions, we would talk about ‘what is love?’
The word that I keep coming back to is contentment and just ‘being’. It was so easy, knowing each other so well, knowing what the other was thinking or feeling.
I miss being loved and known and understood, its really scary!
Love and hugs Jacky
3 Likes
Jacko25. Feeling content and safe, yes that’s how I felt with my husband, I feel anxious all the time now, going over the last few days, hours in my mind over and over, so hard to get these thoughts out of my head, Sunday’s are so hard, we would be planning a day out somewhere, now wake up alone, I can’t believe this is my life now, changed for ever. Never thought I could feel so lonely. 
sending hugs. X
1 Like
Dear Jacko
Yes miss being loved and being important to someone. Just feel I could disappear now and no one would notice.
I get what you all mean. I crave his arms around me just to make everything feel ok again. How do we go through life without that closeness, those hugs, those touches that show someone is there for you and ‘gets’ you. That is the thing I’m finding hardest at the moment. I can learn how to do some of the jobs he did, I can get someone in to do some of the others but I don’t know how to carry on without that closeness of the one you love and who loves you.
1 Like
Dear Jules4
I wish I had the answer but I don’t.
A new grandchild was born into the family on Friday - only 15 months ago our first grandchild was born and we celebrated together - hugged and congratulated each other on having two brilliant kids and an extension to the family. Now we are one less and despite the joy of the new grandson I am still dying inside.
2 Likes
Dear Richard
Thank you. He is a sibling to our first grandchild - a grandson who took on many characteristics and appearance of my husband every day. The second grandson is identical to his brother. So perhaps my husband’s memory will continue through the grandson’s but it is also a bittersweet experience.
Take care
Sheila
2 Likes
That’s exactly how I feel, so heartbreaking having to live without our soulmates.
Hi Gentle5, Sundays was our favourite day, we would always be off out somewhere, even if we only ended up having a coffee after a bit of window shopping. He would have cooked bacon sandwiches for breakfast and we would have sat in the garden to eat them as its such a beautiful morning.
I had to deal with my first wasp in the bedroom this morning. I was always the helper in the background while he got it out with a glass and some card. I ended up just swatting it. The funny thing was he was more bothered by them than I was, but he was brave for me.
Love and hugs Jacky
That’s what he used to do with the spiders! I had to deal with one yesterday, felt very pleased with myself, mind you it wasn’t that big.
Sunday’s were special for us too, even though we were both retired, a walk by the sea maybe, a pub lunch, how can I go back to these places without him, it’s too painful. I still can’t believe this has happened, when will it feel real?
Hi Gentle5, I can’t answer that question, will it ever feel real?
I’ve been at my sisters today sat on the garden, we did a quiz and I won a box of chocolates, that took my mind off things for a while, but as soon as I walked in the door the sadness returned along with the tears. I put the chocolates next to his photo, they never lasted 5 minutes in our house ( he loved chocolate) but now they’ll sit there for ages, with him not sneakily eating them when he thought I wasn’t watching. I feel so lonely. X
Love and hugs Jacky
Oh Jackie,
The loneliness is so unbearable, I hate coming back to an empty house too, all around there are reminders of what we’ve lost, it’s such a beautiful day, someone said to me , why don’t you take yourself off to the sea and have a walk and a picnic, but that would make me miss his presence more, that’s what we would have done today. It’s looking to the future and thinking…this is my life now…so hard to comprehend, we put on a I’m ok face for others don’t we? Sending big hugs xx
2 Likes
Dear Gentle5
Like you I look at the beautiful day and remember what we would have planned. We live near to the coast so it would have been a trip down there for fish and chips. I have ventured on this journey alone twice and each time leave broken hearted. I sit in the car alone looking out towards the North Sea and the coastal path can hear my husband saying what he always said ‘one day we will get out the car and do that walk’. He is no longer here to do that and I cannot bear to take that walk alone now.
I have lost so much weight through the energy it takes to’put on the ‘OK face’.
The family also welcomed a new grandson a few days ago. I have spent the time when I get back home just weeping and cannot sleep again. I lay in bed throughout the night looking at video clips of my husband with our first little grandson and it just breaks my heart that my husband is not here to share in the joy. My son’s partner also posted a picture of our son holding his new born and he looks so sad - it breaks my heart that our kids are having to go through this utter s**t at a time when we should all be celebrating.
I will stop now otherwise the anger will show its face again.
Take care.
Sheila
Oh Sheila, it’s heartbreaking isn’t it? You mentioned the North Sea so I wondered if you live near the North Norfolk coast, an area we loved and went there on holiday many times. I wonder if I will ever be able to visit there again. I hope the new little grandson will give you some hope for the future, but nothing will take away the pain of your loss. Take care, sending hugs. Gentle5 xx
Dear Gentle5
Thank you.
I live in the North East, just outside of Newcastle. It has beautiful coastline and this is where I intend to scatter my husband’s ashes. We are proud Geordies and he needs to be close to home and where I can visit and remember the wonderful family holidays we had.
Take care.
Sheila
Sending love and strength, look after yourself. 
X
1 Like