Is this normal?

Only 2 months since my wife died and nearly did the unthinkable and join an online dating site today. Upon reflection glad I didn’t but although I miss her dearly and still have moments when the tears just won’t stop I do miss the what in a more old fashioned way I would describe as more gentile company. Just a shared walk in the park or a glass of wine in a country pub. Something I have not been able to do for years as I cared for my wife as her health declined.

I ask myself have I grieved for just the 2 months or for the many years when the person I truly loved slowly but surely faded away. As I look back over those years there were often the same tears and emotions that I have now.

Perhaps the grief experience related to addiction is different. But either way I feel so conflicted between the need to move on with my life or to show respect for the person who in better times was truly my soul mate. Counselling is helping me explore my feelings but so far it has not shown me an explicit way forward.

Hi Trevour im very sorry for your loss 2 months is very new in your nightmare .There isnt a normal way to grieve everybody has there own nightmare that kicks up emotions and suprises at different times .Time will help you to get somewhere .How much time and where we you end up those questions dont have answers. How long is a piece of string is the only answer that fits in my book.Take it day by day try to look after yourself eating sleeping etc (i know its hard ) Only plan legal things etc stuff your forced to do .Have some me time unfortunately your nightmare will patiently wait for you to return to it .Keep coming back people on here will try to help you (use private messages i do ) Colin (im 58 my darling wife passed 04032016 on her 41st birthday

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Hi Trevor
When I read your post it was like reading my own thoughts and I just had to respond to you. My partner died nearly 5 months ago and it has been undoubtly the worse months of my life and I have lost count now of the times I want to go back to our life together.
She was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and that was when I started grieving for as I seemed to know she would be taken from me. She was diagnosed terminal last March and then I truly began grieving for my loss. It was the loss of our relationship we had which is taken away due to treatment and how ill she became. It was not a normal life and I knew I had lost her already in some ways.
I now realise I have been grieving for much longer than 5 months and as you say I now am in at a point where I cant move on with my life out of respect and other peoples assumptions of me as a person. I am not looking for a relatioship but just miss someone taking me out for a meal and made to feel special and important to someone. Just simple things as you say but its the company you want to take away the crippling loneliness.
I am part of a counselling group for those affected by cancer and all of us who have lost partner wife husband feel the same. Some have been grieving for many years and it is very different to someone who has a sudden loss.
I am not sure if this helps but I just wanted you to know I think you to have been grieving for a lot longer than 2 months and I understand some of what you are feeling. I see myself in a traffic jam and just have to remain in this place and cant move on. Most people say to get over the first year but I am already past that in my head and heart.
The 3 men in my group all speak of missing taking care of someone , opening doors and just the company of a female.
Your post reminded me of the things they say and one has joined a site not for dates just to meet up with women for companionship. Sadly he has not told his family for fear of what they will think of him but he talks about this openly in our group as we all understand his feelings
Carol x

Hi Trevor, my experience is the same but slightly different. It was our usual Tuesday night - I went out to play bridge and Bob went to meet a friend in the pub. He had a massive heart attack in the pub and died there. That was last December and we’d been married for 50 years. We were very much best pals and I do miss his company so much.

I too crave the company of the opposite sex. I meet girl friends for lunch and coffee but miss flirting - that sounds bad! I’m a member of a bowling club and I find that the mixed company there helps a lot. I too filled in an on line dating application but almost immediately cancelled it - just fearful of going down that road. I don’t want romance just a giggle, a meal and a glass of wine. Someone to care. Don’t know how that’ll work out but I don’t want this life.

So there are others out there with the same needs as you Trevor. My desire to find companionship came within a short time after Bob’s death so don’t beat yourself up about it - it can’t be uncommon nor does it, I think, mean that you didn’t utterly adore the one you lost. I’m quite an outgoing person and have just thrown myself into things but it’s not an easy road.

Take care, and I do hope things turn out well for you.

Everyone is different which is good it would be boring if we were all the same. I lost my dearest platonic friend 15 months ago and still cry most days and also the non platonic male friend who was killed roughly the same time- one of my neighbours told me to go out more and try and meet someone I told him to wind his neck in because I dont want to meet anyone else and I dont!!! I am not ready to meet anyone else and no one will take the place of my dearest friend. Maybe one day Ill change my mind and maybe will meet a friend but I will NOT be taking down their photos and if they dont like it then they can hike off. Different folks play different strokes and we all do as we think suits us as different individuals.

I was 24/7 carer to my mum for ten years after she suffered a stroke, and I feel now I had been grieving for years even before I finally lost her a month ago. It seems to be another aspect of being a carer to someone close, a day to day sadness about everything that has happened to them perhaps.

Hi everyone, very interested in the points of view I’ve read here. I lost my lovely Peter very suddenly last year and miss him so much in every way. Spending time with lots of friends but feel so lonely. I feel vulnerable and very anxious a lot of the time. Becoming close to anyone else is hard although recently I thought I was beginning to have feelings for someone. Internet dating is not for me and I hope that feelings just grow when you meet someone who has similar interests and feelings. It could be right for you and there is nothing wrong with trying it. Its just so easy to get hurt when we can least bear it. Take good care xxxxxBillie

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Hi all
I lost my husband on may 31st this year,I thought i had been doing so well,being strong and coping with life without him,then bang this last 3 days the tears haven’t stopped and it’s back to how I felt in the 1st few weeks after I lost him,I crave the companionship we had,going for a meal together,watching a show or just going for a stroll.
I know I grieved for what we lost when he became ill 3 yrs before he died,all the outings and just being together,but I never thought it would be like this.
I’m not sure what I expected. But it certainly wasn’t to feel this bad.

Hi I went away for a few days and just cried all the time I didnt enjoy it all. I find it harder going to palces than being here alone as it all comes flooding back. I just dont know how to get ,y life back on tyrack as I used to work nolw Im retired I dont have family and lost BOTH one platonic dear FRIEND AND THE OTHER NON PLATONIC MORE OR LESS THE SAME TIME-how does one start all over again at my age Im not looking for a man replacement just a life!!!

HI Kris, It must be really hard losing two very close people in a short space of time. Little wonder you are feeling a heavy burden of grief at the moment. It’s enough to have to deal with one loss. But two. And going out and about on your own when you’ve been used to that kind of shared companionship day to day is a culture shock. It seems we lose part of ourselves when we lose those special others. I’m in a similar situation, also without family or work to occupy time and space. But we found a life before, so I suppose bit by bit we can do it again.

Hello Trevor and I can understand what you are going through.We were married 47 years and together 50. My husband started being ill when he was 60 years of age and died aged 68, during those eight years, his illness got worse on a weekly basis until I became his 24/7 carer. From being lovers, friends and soulmates, we went to being patient and nurse. There was no longer any romance in our lives just a regime of medicines and bed-pans and to be honest it was a nightmare. I longed for my husband to put his arms around me but it never happened, he got short-tempered with me, I shouted at him for shouting at me and I seemed to be forever crying, my health deteriorated, my hair started to fall out and I had chest pains all down to stress. My husband would not let anyone else look after him, even for a couple of hours as he did not trust anyone but me, not even our sons. When I had to go to hospital for my check-up’s I took him with me in his wheelchair as he would not let our son’s sit with him whilst I went as he felt safe at the hospital in case anything happened. The thing is I never, ever felt the need for anyone else, he was the boy I had loved most of my life and if I could not have him back as the husband he used to be, I did not want anyone else. Our son’s told me and still do, to join clubs and go out more as I might meet someone with the same interest’s as me but it does not interest me in the slightest, I don’t want or need another man whatever the circumstances I just want my husband. Perhaps it is because I am 75 years old now but if I was in my 50’s or younger Perhaps I may feel differently, I don’t know but at this stage in my life I just live day to day, I go out with friends who have lost their husbands and enjoy myself but it will never be the same, as my husband is not waiting for me when I get home. I just miss the man he used to be, the boy I fell in love with and the man he became, he was the love of my life. I do hope you find some kind of peace. Sheila xx

Hi I also lost my wife two months ago she had been fighting cancer for seven years but she was doing well then out of the blue she got an infection and died . I wish there was a magic wand to make the feeling go away I don’t know what to say to you except everything you have said is the same I am feeling I same as you don’t think I can spend the rest of my life alone I hope you go on to meet someone in the future I don’t think it’s disrespectful my wife was the love of my life but like you I can’t see a life on my own

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I so agree. My nightmare started a year today and I feel stronger by the minute but don’t like this singletons status either.

Hi Sandra please tell me it gets easier with time because at the moment I can’t see any future at all , I loved my wife more than anything but the thought of life like it is now is on my own is unthinkable

Hi everyone,
My husband died 2 years and 11 months ago in a car accident. For almost a year i thought i was doing fine, that i was accepting something i cant change. I thought that i belived it s our destiny, that s what it s all about, we r all born to die one day.
Then later, i started to feel tired of appearing strong, i started to realise my loss and how everything around have changed. My lovely husband died, i left my home and came back to live with my parents and had to take care of my baby who ll never have the chance to know her father. That really hurt, but i couldnt understand what i m feeling. I couldnt express my pain. I wasnt able to cry. Inside, i felt real anger, that i could shout and break everything around, but nothing would come out. I would just smile and everyone around think i m really strong and doing fine.
Now i ve been on therapy for almost a year and a half, it really help but i cant say it made the pain go away. I can say i m better than last year or 2 years ago, but i know i m not better than when my husband was next to me. What s better now, is that i m able to realise what i m feeling and i can deal with it better, maybe i m accepting how i feel whenever i feel it. I cry when i feel it, i get some time alone when i need to, i go out, i see friends. I m trying to live my life again but at the same time i m trying to be easy on my self.
Now i know that losing a loved one cant be understood by someone who didnt experience it. People around dont understand, they think it can be over. I dont blame them because myself i thought that. Now i know there s nothing such as getting over a loss, but i know that things wont be the same either.
How you feel now will change over time. Some days you ll feel better and others you might feel overwhelmed. It s ok. You made it through yesterday, so i m sure you can make it through today and tomorrow. I know it s not easy, but at some point it ll get better, it should get better, or at least i believe it will. Once we survive through our pain, we ll be survivors and that feels good i guess.
I hope that wasnt too long, but i wish i had the chance to hear the experience of other widows or widowers earlier. Now that i got here in my own experience, i think it would be interresting to share it with others. If it couldnt comfort anyone, at least it was another chance for me to let it out.
Take care everyone and try to be easy on yourselves.

John, it does get easier believe me. I had been with my husband since I was 17 and married a tremendous 50 years. He was very much my first and last love. Like you, i can’t bear the thought of being without a companion - even at my age. I’m a member of a few clubs where membership is mixed and, even if i don’t meet someone directly there, I do so much enjoy the banter and flirting. I’m lucky that I’m confident and outgoing - partly because my husband had made me feel so special. You can’t change the past John, think of now and tomorrow and hopefully you’ll get through this.

It’s not easy but no one wants to be in the company of someone who’s miserable all the time. Try to be positive and get out there and meet new people. And I DEFINITELY know it’s not easy. Good luck. X

I’m glad I’m not alone… one of the things my husband and I were told to do by our councellor was grieve together while he was still alive. I now understand, from what I have read above, is that as soon as we get that terminal diagnosis, the grieving process starts on that day, we don’t start grieving the day they die. For me, I started grieving on 23rd Dec 2016. My husband only passed away last week and I feel like I have already been greiving for 12 months and now I can… i don’t want to use the words move on or get on with my life but that’s how it feels…

The problem we face, is that other people want us to be broken and stay broken. How can they ‘help’ us if we are not broken?

So glad I am not alone thinking this way, my huaband was diagnosed a year ago and passed away only last week ago but I feel I started grieving a year ago. Not last week. Yes I kiss him but I am glad he is pain free and away from this miserable world.

I didn’t start grieving when my wife was diagnosed with her cancer seven years ago because my mind wouldn’t let me believe I would lose her and now I’m still in denial I can’t come to terms with it my mind won’t let me move on I’m sat here posting this with tears falling down my face I’m dreading the next few days I’m going to some friends across the road for Christmas dinner there’s going to be seven of us that should be eight I don’t know how I’m going to cope . I’ve told Rita (it’s her house where I’m going) to ask the rest of the guests not to mention my wife as I know I will break down , it’s lovely to be in love but when that love is taken away it is unbearable

Hi Jan just wondering how you are getting on I lost my Mum five weeks ago I was also her carer for the last 41 years I feel like everything has come to a standstill .Im moody and feel exhausted and didn’t realise how much time I spent with her as I miss her constantly i am finding it very difficult to sort her house out as I feel I don’t want to let go Xmas was very hard even though we did everything different .Hope your ok

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