I can’t get passed the last 4 weeks of Gerald’s life which is so hard. I want to think of better times but that just upsets me even more. Grief seems to make me irrational in what I should be thinking and feeling. We will get brighter days, not tomorrow or the next day, but they will come. We just can’t rush it.
Hi Daphne, that is lovely he was protecting you to the end. Even though George had an aggressive form of cancer he died from a pulmonary embolism. He had one before and even though they knew he was displaying all the symptoms they did not change his meds or do anything extra to help. I almost begged them to and they seemed surprised when he died. I have to console myself with the fact that he was very poorly and I think he would have struggled to survive the chemotherapy. However I still feel robbed of the little bit of hope there was. I am just heartbroken and cannot believe he has gone. I have been in tears on and off all day today. Because I work, Saturday was our day, and I now hate it xx
I’m so sorry. I know how helpless you would have felt. I was like you believing that if there was the slightest chance of keeping them with you you wanted that more than anything to happen. I knew the hospital did there very best. I was worried that they would see a 76 year old frail man that was beyond help, whereas he had been the fittest 76 year old you could eve meet. He had never had a day in hospital in his life. Fortunately they knew that and tried everything. I have to accept that he would not have wanted to have had treatment and been a burden. It would have been his worst nightmare to have sat in a chair not able to do anything. He made his choice and if I could love him anymore for doing that I would. I find Sunday is worse, especially in the winter. Try and find things to do Debra. If you can, walk. I walk for hours. I prefer that than being confined to the house. I can breath and cry as much as I want and it does help. Don’t worry about crying, we have to do it. I know it exhausts me but I do feel a slight sense of calm even for a short while.
I’m going away to stay with friends for Christmas. I have very good friends and family around me but I want to detach myself from what might have been if Gerald was still with me. My sister asked me if I was looking forward to going, I told her I don’t look forward to anything anymore, I didn’t mean it in a bad way just a pragmatic way. That’s how I feel, just take one day at a time. Even if it is Christmas. I wish everyone peace for their broken hearts.
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I lost my husband very suddenly 19th May 36 hours after being told further tests revealed a malignancy, all happened so quickly I still cannot accept it, he had no specific symptoms either, each day is roller coaster, coping and not coping has become the norm lately. Some days are a little easier than others but not brilliant nut then they couldn’t be. We all cope in the best way we can, only yesterday, I went into asda at 4pm afterwards I got in my car and broke my heart, weeping buckets for what seemed like half an hour, friends j
Who have and are going through bereavement tell me it’s not that it gets better, but more like we find ways to live with our loss a little easier, I’m still at the raw stage and take each day at a time, so sorry for your loss, it’s a heartbreak we wouldn’t wish on any one. Blessings, hugs and take care ☆
Hi Daphne
Unfortunately for me I think the hospital saw a frail 73 year old man. George too was a very fit man whose health deteriorated rapidly. I suddenly feel traumatised by the whole situation. I suddenly cannot get out of my mind how he looked when I got to the hospital just after he died, and also how he so wanted to live, although I think he knew the odds were stacked against him. I really do think I am now losing the plot. This morning I was laying in bed with my hand laid on George’s casket which is on my bedside cabinet. I lifted it up and put it in my bed, snuggled up to it and went fast to sleep. I know people will think this is totally weird but to me it was what I needed at that moment. Wishing you a peaceful Christmas Daphne xxx
It’s not weird we all cling on to what we have. This feeling of guilt is something lots of us feel too. I miss my baby Denise so much I cry every day. Just get through the day however you can. Bed was at first the only place I felt safe, and I didn’t want to leave it. Don’t worry that it’s Xmas I’ve shut it out this year xxxx
I don’t think it’s weird. If it gives you comfort then it’s right for you. xx
Edwin…I lost my husband in May 2018…Anxious is what I am most of the time like you say about the slightest thing…It’s an awful way to be but people need to understand we can’t help it…
I don’t think it is getting any easier, I just miss him more as time goes on. I am also worried that I will forget things about him and cannot bear the thought of that happening. Today I had a real meltdown, I laid down on the rug in the hallway and sobbed like a baby. It is true it does hit you like waves. One minute I think I am doing okay and the next I am such a mess. I like being in bed too. We did not sleep in our room from towards the end of September as George could not lay down and found he was more comfortable in a chair. I slept on the sofa near him. However, I feel safe in our bedroom and much nearer to him there. I used to love just sitting in bed next to him and reading, it was always my favourite time of the day. I want to shut Christmas and the New Year out too. This is all so unfair xxx
Denise and I always read before sleep. Always the best time of the day. Book, light off cuddle, sleep. Then I would wake and leave her at 0330 hrs she would say drive carefully, I always said course I will, love you see you later. Now I go out at 0330 and hope I don’t come back. But with my luck il live to see a hundred miserable years xx