Hi Stevie, I lost my husband 3 weeks ago and feel exactly the same as you. In September I had a life too, but when George and I returned from holiday his health deteriorated and within 6 weeks of a cancer diagnosis he had died. He did not actually die of the cancer but a pulmonary embolism. He had suffered one previously and was showing all the signs and even though I literally begged the doctor’s to try a different medication they preferred to wait for an ‘urgent’ CT scan which was booked for 2 days later. He died of a PE. I cannot get past the fact that it could have been treated. Everyone keeps telling me he was so poorly and that he probably would have died anyway, but in my book whilst there is life there is hope. I have struggled to see the point of being here without my George, but I have a son and a step-daughter who I have brought up from the age of 10 after she lost her mum. She now has lost her Dad as well, and I cannot bear to put her through losing me as well. It does not make it any easier though, I would dearly love to be with him, but I am sure he would just send me back. George was 20 years older than me an told me I loved him too much, and he worried how I would cope when he was gone. He also told me that I had to be strong for the children. He went through widowhood before he married me and went on to have a lovely life although we always included his late wife in things for the sake of their children. I even had their wedding photo alongside ours on the wall. I am 52 but know that George will only be the man for me. I hope you are feeling better today. Like you I went to Tesco and had a meltdown cos there were couples everywhere in their own happy little bubble and I felt so alone. This is the hardest thing we will ever have to go through but I do find this forum useful and I am always here if you need to talk xx
We need to remember we still have a life and life is precious and fragile. As lonely as we feel, we do have people around us who care. Just talking on the forum proves that we are not alone at this unbearable time and that it will help even if it’s only in a small way. I cry everyday. 5 weeks and 2 days and it feels like a lifetime and I don’t know when this pain and lost and lonely feeling will pass. I just take a day at a time. I feel that nothing can hurt me more than I hurt now so I don’t worry about anything else. Just dealing with each day as it comes.
We had moved house when my husband died and hadn’t even unpacked. I can’t stay there now as the only memory I have is the few days he was out of hospital he couldn’t get up the stairs as he was so poorly so we both slept down stairs. I’ve put the house back on the market and I either stay at my sister’s or my brother’s. I have not only lost my husband but feel I have no home. Just a house with no happy memories. But I know I will get through this because Gerald would not expect anything less of me. As for Christmas, well as it gets nearer I’m dreading it more and more but I’m going to embrace the love and kindness that has been shown to me by my family and friends and get through it. I’ll still cry everyday and wish above all else that I could just have one more hug from him but I know he’ll be with me always.
Hi Daphne, I used to worry all the time and got worse when Tim was poorly. But now as you say, the worst has happened and I have just stopped worrying and try to concentrate on taking each day at a time. We were planning to move house together in the new year and Tim was so looking forward to it. Now I will move into the bungalow on my own, with our lovely dog Blizzard. In a way I am relieved that Tim didn’t get to move as there will be no unhappy memories there as there are in our old home. I am spending Christmas with my lovely family and we will raise a glass to my darling Tim.
Hi Debra, I’m so sorry for your loss. I just can’t see why I’m here, yes I’ve got kids and step kids who I love so much grandkids, but I’m having to live this everyday they think I’m coping but I’m not. I pray for death, I need to get back to her now not in twenty years. Like you I’m relatively young at 57 but why put myself through this. I’m not a weak person I’ve served in the army and been through some crap, but nothing like this. I cry every day I plead every day. I ask for her to come back. I know she’s not, but I can join her can I not. Course she will be angry but as always we can get over that. Xxxxx
I had to smile to myself at the idea of George sending you back. Were any of that possible then I know I would suffer a similar indignity. My wife knew she was dying for four years and she told me often that I had all I needed to enjoy the rest of my life and to get on and do it. I don’t think she was completely right as grief is so debilitating but I want to survive it.
Oh Stevie, I am so sorry that I have upset you. I really do understand what you are going through. I too plead with George every day asking for him to come back. I still cannot believe it happened to us. The ladies in my family tend to live long lives and the average age of death is early 90’s. The thought of living to that age without my George is unbearable, and I have told him I need to join him way before then. For you and me our safe and happy lives have been turned upside down and I truly panic thinking I will not see him again, and how I am meant to live without him. However, George was so full of life, and although he was never told he was dying, I know he was desperate to live and he would want me to be strong. Maybe you need to talk to your family and tell them how you feel and try not to struggle on alone. They too may also be struggling and being brave trying not to upset you. I have always been someone who cries easily, and the more I try to stop the worse I get. I am trying to accept that crying, pleading and feeling constantly anxious is all part of the grieving process. We can get through this one day at a time, and they will be waiting for us when the time is right for us to join them. Take care and I hope you get a good night sleep. I collected George’s remains from the funeral home yesterday and he is now safely on my bedside cabinet. I had the first decent sleep last night since before he died and when I woke up my hand was on the casket. It just made me feel more peaceful xx
Hi YorkshireLad1950, I am 100% sure that if I was to be reunited with George in the near future then unless I had died from natural causes, I would be back down to earth very quickly to ensure I made sure the children were okay. George was a widower before we got married. Although his wife died of sudden adult death syndrome at the age of 43, she had been suffering from really bad headaches before she died and thought she had a brain tumour. She told George that if she died she would send someone to help him bring up the children, and as I knew his wife very well, he truly believed she sent me. I am very honoured if she did, as she allowed me to have a very happy 14 years of marriage and to gain a lovely extended family. I always told George that if anything happened to him then I did not want him to send anyone else, I just wanted to stay married to him. I will, however, try to make the best life possible for myself whilst I am here. I guess in someways I am fortunate because I do work full time, and although I am currently on leave, I will go back in the New Year and regain some kind of normality, whatever that is. I am also looking at volunteer work at our local hospital which should be fine as long as I can avoid the ward he died on. You are right grief is so debilitating and everyone deals with it differently. I cry regularly throughout the day, anything can start me off, but deep down I also know that I have to survive this and make George really proud of me.
Yes Xmas has a lot to answer for when there are people who are grieving…Not even sure if I will make Xmas day to my families…
One of my grandsons has been with me this evening while his Dad is out on a works do in town. He’s only six but going on ten, and an only child. My wife used to call him a coughdrop. When it got to bedtime he said he wanted to sleep in Granny’s bed as he liked it there. He’s fallen asleep with a big smile on his face and I’m in bits. I hope his Dad gets back soon as I want to go to bed.
I wish you a peaceful Christmas. I too will raise a glass to my Gerald. I’m going to stay with friends and taking my dog, Kiera, with me. I feel staying with family isn’t right for me at this time and I think that’s what we have to bare in mind, to do what’s right for us and not try to please others. We don’t have to put ourselves through anything we don’t want to just to keep the peace. We’re already dealing with something we don’t want to have to deal with.
I am babysitting for my nephews and niece tomorrow while their parents are out at a Christmas party. It was all arranged before George was I’ll. I am going to their house and dreading it. I often use to babysit whilst George was with me and he was happier at home especially if the Grand Prix was on. He always waited up for me though. I know I will be in bits once I have settled them down I am happier at home x
You didn’t upset me. Sometimes I feel I bring to much negativity to the group. Thank you so much for your reply xxx
Stevie, Try not to think like that. That’s why we’re all here talking. To try and help and support each other in what ever way we can. That means taking on board everyone’s negative and positive thoughts so that we can understand each other that bit more. Don’t hold back on how you feel.
Stevie, Try not to think like that. That’s why we’re all here talking. To try and help and support each other in what ever way we can. That means taking on board everyone’s negative and positive thoughts so that we can understand each other that bit more. Don’t hold back on how you feel.
Hi Stevie
I am by nature a negative person and also a terrible worrier. My mum always used to say to me that I should try to think positively, and my response was always ‘but I am positively negative’. Don’t worry about negativity, I struggle to find anything positive at the moment, even trying to remember the good times are really hard, it just hurts too much to think about them. In time I hope I will be able to do so and with a smile on my face, but all I can do is cry because I miss him so much and it all seems so unfair xxx
Completely agree, Daphne. I found this site so incredibly helpful when I’d got to the point, a few months after losing my husband, of feeling I couldn’t burden others with how I badly I was coping. And people here understand.
Hi Debra I’m so relieved that you find it too painful to think of happy times, I’m exactly the same. I thought it was wrong of me to not think of happy memories, as I felt guilty not thinking of Gerald in that way, but it hurts so much. I just burst into tears. You’re right, it is unfair. I miss Gerald so much it’s a physical unbearable pain. It’s normal for us to feel the way we do. Our grief maybe different but our pain is the same.
Hi Daphne, I am so glad I could give you some reassurance. My George was 20 years older than me and was my world. We did not have our own children, but we both had children from previous relationships. The children keep telling me to ‘flip’ a negative thought into a positive one i.e. think of something nice we did together.
This is which is so much easier said than done. I agree it is a physical unbearable pain, the likes of which I have never experienced before. Even walking round Tesco’s and seeing the yoghurts I would normally buy for George makes me dissolve into tears and thinking of anything we did in the past just upsets me too much. George died on the 29 November. His cancer was very aggressive and cruel and he died less than 6 weeks after diagnosis. It still seems so surreal to me, and maybe that is why I don’t want to think of the happy times as I don’t want to accept he is gone xxx
Sorry to hear your stories. I feel the same as you ladies. Seems so unfair and as for memories I find it hard to get through the bad ones to get to the good ones. And since she passed which was only 7 weeks ago it seems like a lifetime I can’t even picture her in my mind what the hell is that all about xxxx
Gerald was ill for 4 weeks. He was 18 years older than me and we didn’t have children together, he was my world for 26 years. During the 4 weeks he was ill he was in 4 hospitals. When he was discharged from the first hospital his discharge letter suggested the GP should put him on the Gold Standard Framework register. I didn’t know at first what this was until I googled it. Gerald never told me what he’d been told in that hospital. He was admitted with a kidney infection. We moved house in between the first and second hospital. By the time he’d been transferred to the 4th hospital he was very ill. After numerous blood tests and on the day he died, the doctors confirmed he had bladder cancer and secondary cancer was in his bone marrow. I’m convinced Gerald had been told at the beginning that he had cancer and that there was nothing they could do. I believe he loved me so much, he didn’t want to be a burden or put me through any more cancer news. I’d already lost a brother and sister to cancer in the last 4 years. My other sister I had helped through bowel cancer and my other brother is living with a rare form of leukaemia. I am sure Gerald tried to protect me right up to the very end. Like you, I go shopping and when I look at food I would buy for Gerald I go to pieces. I can’t think of good times either. We’ve got to hang in there and take a day at a time.