I think being upfront with her is best, explain how you felt at wedding & once you have said it hopefully it will ease your anxiety.
She may be annoyed etc but you have to put yourself first.
I’m no expert but that’s what I’d do.
Take care. G. Xx
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I agree with grandma, be upfront and explain how you feel. It still is such early days for you that you must do what is best for you.
I am sure or hope your sister- in - law will understand and if she doesn’t, that says more about her than you.
It is so hard for others to accept our grief and to understand that whilst their lives have carried on, we have been left behind to pick up the pieces of ours and that is so, so hard.
Take care,
X Julie
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Thank you Grandma and Trixie1 for your response.I was thinking along those lines but I wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do for me or if it was rude of me.As it is my emotional health I am concerned with,I am now on my own so I must look after myself and not worry about anyone else at the moment.
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To add onto my reply,
A “friend” invited me to a prize bingo - she wouldn’t accept no , what time she’d pick me up - it would be fun etc - I worried a full weekend about what to do & say - the day before I sent a text saying I couldn’t face the crowd etc.
She replied no problem - I haven’t seen or heard from her since. Clearly she wanted the night out but like you it’s the stress you put yourself under.
G.x
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Exactly Grandma,this is what I get.“You’ll be fine ,you’ll enjoy yourself you need to get out you have to move forward etc etc” I am not trying to be a recluse but I need to pick and choose what I do,I do not want to be forced to do something I’m not comfortable with.Today I’m getting an Uber to see a couple of friends,one also a widow and I know even if I get emotional they will understand.x
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Sadly I’ve had a very similar experience too. Doug died in late Oct 2020 so I understand the addition distance lockdown created. In all honesty I’ve nothing to compare it to (as I’ve not been married before Doug let alone widowed!) But I found grieving during that period to be immensely isolating. Everyone got in touch at first but that bunch soon whittled down to a surprising few. I’m trying to be empathetic, I do appreciate that it’s hard to know what to say but … some dont even try. It wasn’t long before my parents were saying “it’s very sad … but, life goes on” and “…sink or swim…” (as if it were a choice) I know they’re not trying to be cruel and they just want me to be “better” but, its not something I control, I mean I wish I didn’t “still” feel this way too. I know they find my grief hard to witness but, i think that it’s probably harder to live through!
TBH I don’t think there will be many people able to empathise with quite how terrible, relentless and in short awful the reality of being widowed is. My Mum sometimes decides to tell me what I should be doing from her place on the couch sitting next to my dad (her husband of 50 odd years) and I smile and nod but really I’m thinking how clueless she is because, I know when I leave they’ll set the table, sit together and eat, argue about what to watch, curl up on the couch for an hour or two before starting their night time routine and ultimately falling asleep reassured by the presence of their life partner… who will be there to sooth if they have a nightmare … who will be there to share a cuppa in the morning… etc … etc.
I.e. she has zero idea what she’s on about!
Be kind to yourself 
xo
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Lovliday,I think you will find that many many people on this site are going through what you describe and can empathise with you.I too have found that people just drop off your radar and some have been incredibly kind.I find the evenings are the worst part of the day because I have no one to share a chat with,so I do talk to my husband as if he were still here.Someone said to me is it worse to find your husband has been unfaithful to you or for him to die.I said that someone who has been unfaithful is still around and you may see them again but death is final and you will never see them again except in your dreams.That is the worst part,you see them in your dreams and then you wake up and the pain is still there.This is what anyone who has not been through this just cannot understand,I probably wouldn’t have understood it either.My mother would also probably have told me to pull myself together but you’ve got nothing to pull on.My head knows that I won’t see Kevin again but my heart stills yearns for him and can’t see that changing.
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Your words ard so true. I feel exactly the same when I visit my parents, it’s so frustrating to see them behave as if nothing’s happened, they just don’t understand what I’m going through, haven’t got the slightest clue.
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Heya @Sweetie, I’m sorry to hear that you’re looking at another lonely evening too. Its horrible, I used to love my evenings - with Doug. Eating dinner together, unwinding & relaxing before curling around one or other to sleep - i can’t explain how much I miss the comfort of that routine and how much effort is required just to get myself through these days.
Big love xo
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Hi Loveliday, I too loved my evenings with Kevin.Because he worked shifts most of his life,it was so comforting to hear the sound of his key in the lock when he came home.Put simply I miss him just being there,even when he was away we always spoke all the time on facetime.To now know he is no longer here is shattering my heart and it feels too much to bear sometimes,and I know a lot of people are feeling the same. x
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I think one of the most cruel things about being widowed is that you suddenly have to deal with a horrific situation and do so without the support of the person you’ve always turned to.
I now realise that just knowing he was there gave me such strength - in the same way that knowing he’s gone drains me.
My best friend died suddenly when we were in our late 20s. The grief & loss I felt was overwhelming. But Doug was there to help me through it: it was him who lifted me off the ground when I got the news, I cried so many tears into his chest, I was looking at him when I spoke at her funeral and he was just always there for me. He was good at anticipating what I needed and was there to give the smile, hand-squeeze, cuddle … whatever it was I needed. The grief was horrible but Doug was there to help me manage it and navigate a path through.
Now though, I’m all at sea. Alone
Ever since Doug died I feel like an exposed nerve, stripped of my defences. Im so over-whelmed & sensitive that most interactions feel shocking and sharp. They leave me feeling exhausted and bruised. Inside our marriage I felt protected and strengthened but, without the love I’ve relied on for decades, I’m painfully fragile.
I don’t recognize myself. We were devoted to each other for nearly half my life and during that time we grew up together, relying on one another. Then, all of a sudden he’s torn away, out of our life, and I find myself here, alone in the wreckage.
I know we were blessed to have found the love we did. And, if one of us had to suffer like this, I’m glad it’s not Doug. But I still can’t help feeling, what an awful price to have to pay.
Wishing you all strength
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Hello Loveliday, I can completely understand how you are feeling.Kevin and I relied on each other for day to day activities that you take for granted.I am still trying to sort through all the things he was interested in like hobbies and sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed.As I write this I’m in tears just thinking of what I have lost.Our love was so intense from the very start and I know I should be grateful for that but it makes it worse when you lose your soulmate.I can’t understand how some can get over their loss so quickly because mine will last a lifetime.I too don’t recognise myself anymore,when I look in the mirror I look dead behind the eyes and that’s how I feel inside.I hope that I may find for others and myself a kind of peace. xxx
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I’m so sorry for your loss @Sweetie, it sounds like you & Kevin had an amazing connection.
I’m sitting here in tears too
I’ve no idea how people can recover from this either, it’s such complete and complex devastation. And its SO RELENTLESS. I feel that it takes so much effort every day, including the “good days” that when the bad days come they just crush me
Sending you understanding
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I’m so grateful for what we had together & TRY not to dwell on what I don’t have now. Day by day is hard tho to have become single & alone. 
It is relentless.
Initially, in a bubble, head like cotton wool , feeling vulnerable, but slowly you work thru it and now realise I don’t panic as much when dealing with whatever crops up. No other option - neither it doesn’t all have to be done straight away.
Some people do move on more quickly than others and that’s ok too.
Do what’s right for you.
Take care. G xx
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@Grandma, I think you’re right in your approach - I should try to be grateful for what Doug & I shared and try not to dwell on what’s been lost. It’s just tough in the face of relentless hurt.
Reading posts from those in the earliest weeks can transport me back in an instant and, from there I can see without doubt that some things have improved. I think I’ve just hit a bumpy stretch of road recently and I’m frustrated that grief is not a straight path - it seems unfair that I feel worse now than a few months ago. But, as we’ve all learned, little about this situation is fair.
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Dear loveliday, I feel as if you are reading my mind, when you talk about not having the support of your husband anymore, being an ‘exposed nerve’, ‘stripped of my defences’. That’s exactly how I feel right now, I just couldn’t find the words and you have perfectly, thank you. We were one person, one mind, one soul, if half of that’s gone, what’s left? Can you start a car if it has no engine?
All the best to my dear friends here, may you all find some sort of comfort soon, however difficult it may seem now.
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You have to accept there will be ups & downs from now on. It’s how you deal with things that makes the difference. Instead of an immediate meltdown - I say to myself -
- take a moment, think it thru, having a panic won’t help then, after a coffee and poss a couple of biccys, poss a few tears, logically and calmly I see the bigger picture.
I’ve avoided a few meltdowns judging by my growing waist size!!
G. Xx
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I’m on the Tunnocks tea cakes,ruining my waistline!
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@Grandma and @Sweetie its helped me too, to try and see an overview of what’s happening and then to try and be gentle and kind to myself as I would with a friend - make a cuppa and bring out the biscuits but , if I’m honest I still find it all so very hard. Life used to happen spontaneously. It didn’t require such effort. I’m not trying to suggest that it was 24/7 bliss, there were many ups and downs but knowing Doug was there gave me an underlying strength and resilience. I hope this isnt to intimate to share but, through tough times, if I was lying in bed worrying about something, i would soothe myself with the sound of his breath and the warmth and scent of his skin. Every night once we’d settled into position he’d lay his hand on my thigh and gently stroke my skin until he fell asleep. I genuinely can’t explain how deeply that little routine soothed me. For 20 years it remained unchanged. I appreciate that I’ll have to make new routines and find ways to self soothe but it’s hard to summon the energy and motivation, not least i think because despite everything a significant part of me refuses to accept that he’s not coming home
My brother shared an app with me that he uses to help him manage chronic physical pain. I was a bit skeptical at first but, after the free trial (a fortnight) I’ve realised that I can use it to help me calm myself down and to focus what little energy I have of a morning. I’ve found listening to the night time visualizations useful giving me something to focus on besides Doug’s absence. At the very least IRS helping me build new routines. If anyone is interested, here’s the link:
[https://www.headspace.com]
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Loveliday,I know what you mean about someone being beside you in bed.Sometimes I used to dream that Kevin had gone off somewhere and it was so reassuring to wake inthe morning to see him asleep by my side.My brain just will not compute that he is no longer hear to comfort me either.I feel as if someone has detonated a bomb in the middle of my life and I am left in the middle of a shattered existance and nothing is going to be the same again.I am fortunate that as he was in the army when he went away he wrote some lovely letters to me and I have a tape he sent me as well.I have made a memory box which is now filled to the brim with memories.I do feel like a zombie sometimes as If I don’t think to deeply I can function without breaking down too often.This has wreaked havoc with my life,but baby steps I hope will allow me to find some solace.I suppose you could say because we have loved and been loved so deeply that is why we are finding this so difficult. xx
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