It doesn't help

Hi
I don’t know about anybody else thinks this
So my soul mate passed last Thursday after a short painful battle with cancer
Some people will say to me well at least he’s not in pain as though saying that will erase all my pain and emotions we were together for 25 years

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I am so sorry for your loss it is very early days for you, my husband passed away 8 mths ago after a long battle with cancer, numerous people have said to me at least he is not suffering anymore.
I did not feel any comfort from this and always replied, he should not have had cancer in the first place. I wish I could erase a little of your pain, it’s impossible, you are not alone, although we feel alone.
Try and get some support from your GP, it is heartbreaking this journey. Take little steps.

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It is difficult I think in away because I’m grieving I’m very sensitive to anything at the moment
I will have a look for that thread Thank you
Marie x

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Hi Dawn.
People said that to me. “At least he isn’t suffering now.” But he never really had much pain. It was always discomfort. He had such a peaceful death too and just went to sleep. So I can’t accept that kind of sympathy. After nearly 3 years no one even mentions him now and they talk to me as though he never existed but I am the one who has this heart wrenching pain.
I still want to talk about him but it as though he is a non entity to the people we both knew. People just don’t understand grief of this kind til it comes to them.

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Thank you for your reply I’m so sorry for your loss
Its so difficult it’s a lovely day out there but don’t want to go out and see couples enjoying the sun and happy that’s what we should have been doing
My son wants to go shopping at Newcastle but there’s where we used to go I can’t face it
This sounds strange but when my husband got diagnosed I have never listened to any music at all
I’m so sad
Marie x

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That’s true he’s not in pain but you are. I’m in the same boat, it’s six weeks for me now and I’m surviving hour by hour, day by day. That’s what you will do too. There’s never been an hour when I don’t feel empty and lonely, even with people and things take you unaware. I was in a shop yesterday with a friend and remembered walking around there with him. It stopped me in my tracks. I had to fight to keep myself from being in a heap. It’s not easy but go from hour to hour, one foot in front of the other. Everything is new to us. Even our family and closest friends don’t really understand. I do. We do on here. You’re not alone, x

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I dreaded places where we frequented in the past. I dreaded music which we loved and we had danced to.

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Hi
I’m so sorry for your loss
You are right we are in pain
In away I have took Ian’s pain I will have to try and live with it
I’m the same even when I am with family and friends there’s not a second I don’t think about him
A big part of me has died with him
I just don’t know who I am anymore
This forum is great I don’t know what I would do without it people like yourself are so kind
Take care
Marie x

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Hi Marie, you’re right when you say ‘I don’t know who I am anymore’. I tried to explain this to my closest friend yesterday and she was with me as my husband took his last breath. I just want him back. My strong, capable, handsome, clever, talented husband. I’m almost 67 now. When I was younger, there was always the kids, the jobs, the social life. He was a police officer and me a nurse. There were always options and being busy getting on with life. Suddenly that has stopped. I’m no longer ‘a couple’ I’m a widow. I have to come to terms with the fact that because I love him so deeply, I will always be a widow. A part of me has gone forever but still I wake every morning and have to face the day. Do the things he did and I took for granted. I just went to put the bin out and the gate won’t lock! I’ve just taken the meter readings and got the wrong key! He fixed everything. Now it’s me. I’ve not long had his first birthday without him, mine is coming up shortly and then our anniversary. All those firsts. It’s heartbreaking but our partners, spouses, soul mates would want us and expect us to carry on and so we will x

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I just feel that I am wandering in a lost state without him. I don’t know where I fit or belong any more. Home was not our house, it was being in his arms.

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Hi
Sorry for your loss
You described my to a t
My kids are all grown up they great support don’t get me wrong but I don’t think they understand how I’m feeling
Its summer now on a warm evening we would both take the dog to the beach
Come back have a nice meal then chill watch the tv
We liked the same things on t.v. comedy we would laugh together we haven’t laughed together for over 6 months now we never will
I really cannot except I will never see him again
Im so so lonely
I feel like I’m in a world of darkness without him
I just don’t know what to do in my own
We had our routine together now I don’t have any routine at all
I don’t know what day it is most of the time every day blends into one
I feel like there’s nothing to look forward too

Take care
Marie x

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Hope you don’t mind me butting in on this Dotty but you’ve hit the nail on the head for me. X

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I agree it doesnt help my husband died in February from covid but he had one infection after anougher last year and cancer 12 years ago and ive tried telling myself at least hes not in pain now but it doesnt help and i feel guilty because i got covid worse than he did but i survived. And yes i have children but it doesnt stop you feeling alone and i find it to be getting worse rather than better. Maybe ask your gp i ended up been put on medication to help. I just wish things would get better but it doesnt i have no friends. So for you its real early days but do try and seek help i do find this website helps because it gives you the chance to vent your feelings because everyone else is in the same position

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I don’t mind at all it’s good to know we are not alone with our feelings

Marie x

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thinking of those routine with my love ones, those little simple things which I never know would be so precious and sweet. My wife always said the best times one can have were those we spend together no matter what we did. She was so right. Just have not anticipated that that our love would end so abruptly…
Even though there are people everywhere without her this world feels so cold and lonely.

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Yes, it didn’t matter what we were doing, even sitting working, it was being together- having his presence- that made me content.

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We had reached a stage where being together was the only thing we needed. Otherwise we wanted nothing more. We’ve got over those material things and we thought we could lead a simple life together happily ever after…

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This is exactly the stage me and husband had reached. Together for 42 years and married 38, we only needed each other. Could sit for hours just talking, enjoying a cup of tea or saying nothing but enjoying each others company. Now that is all gone and I just sit in the same place and cry.

We have children but they must be allowed to continue with their own lives.

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I agree- children will forge their own futures. There will be sadness that their dad isn’t there to see special things but they will still be able to fulfil their dreams with our support. I am trying to understand why this happened (I know I never will) and what my purpose is now. I am reading a book that I found referenced in my husband’s notes. It says: If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you don’t want, you suffer; even when you get exactly what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold onto it forever. Change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality.
I think this is true - but it doesn’t ease the pain.

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So true. Not sure what me or husband did to deserve any of this. My husband was a good man never hurt anyone, he had so much life still to give and so much love still to shower on our grandsons.

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