@Ed9 thanks for that, but did you see the post from Andrew above with a link?
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@eve3 I totally understand that - and no one who isnāt in our World could begin to understand. Going out in company just emphasises that your soul mate is gone. Going out without Sharon is awful, especially on my own (I donāt really have any friends as Sharon and I were everything we ever wanted) but I make myself do it and anyway despite the fact that Iām apparently a good cook I canāt be botheted to cook for one so live on cheese on toast - and sitting across from a empty chair on a table fir one just brings it all home. Sharon said to me one night near the end in the hospicethat I should have another partner, and for the first time in years I burst out laughing and told her there is no way I would ever do that and even if I wanted to no one could live up to you, but there are odd moments I think it would be nice to have girlfriends for going out etc - then reality sets in and I think it would be pointless as they arenāt Sharon. Iāve also notice the few couples we would go out with together are slowly dumping me, but I understand that too.
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Just to say how I feel right now. Iāve had covid for many days, i donāt know how long i have lain in bed, many days and nights have passed but Iām beginning to feel less ill this morning. Iāve realised that my wife was a strong person, she suffered her illness very bravely and I am strong too. Iām going to shake off this covid and get on with new things in my life and make her proud. Like Arnie said āIāll Be Backā !
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Good for you ā¦ glad you feeling betterā¦
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DennisS
We where joined at the hip the odd person thought he was controlling but he wasnāt as I just wanted to be with him. I do know one thing he would never have wanted me to find someone else and I know that will never happen. But I do miss the general chitchat as I told him every part of my day.
Jessica
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There is no normal Nan. It is still very early days for you. You are possibly still in the shocked numb stage, particularly if you had a stressful time nursing your husband up to the time he died. Just go with the flow and if the tears want to come they will. It is just over a year for me and they come and go for me but on the day he died I donāt think I cried. I was just calm and numb. Now sometimes I can really howl.
Judy.
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Hello Dennis
I had to just tell you that I am the same. Exactly!
My mum was my best friend I was her carer for a while she had Picks dementia. She had to go into a carehome eventually as I couldnāt cope and got unwell. (massive massive guilt) but the day she died I did an initial few minutes of sobbing and then not again until the funeral when I was dry eyes throughout almost as if it was not happening to me this wasnt my mum and I read a poem I wrote not one tear and as we came home in the car I sobbed like a baby and was bent double with the agony of it all BUT since then Iāve been a frozen numb weird version of myself and like you tried to force the tears would so welcome the tears others seem to be able to shed yet I remained dry eyed and nothing.?! This was my lovely mum my best friend my confidante we were so so close. Yet one day my dentist told me she was leaving. I loved my dentist. I got home and suddenly I cried and cried like a baby could not stop those tears which came from my boots if you know what I mean - why?ā¦. All over my dentist?! I too thought Iām going crazy. I felt guilty even for crying over my dentist when it seems I couldnāt cry like it for mum. I even went to my GP I was so worried. Shock she said. You will. My husband actually laughed and couldnāt believe it but after reading your post it all makes sense. Itās not the kind Greek Mot car repair or the dentistā¦ā¦ they are a trigger that almost tips us over and something gets to the frozen part of our brain which has been protecting us. Maybe it feels almost safer to cry about something else as the reality of the loss is all too major. I can see that now but itās taken reading your post for me to realise this. I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for your honestly. Itās certainly helped me and I hope this forum has and will help
You. Sorry so long! 
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@pen Yes, I totally understand and it makes sense; and Iām glad my post helped you - certainly reading what others have written has gained me more understanding. I do hope your husband is being supportive, its really important to have someone close at times like this - because losing a partner leaves you totally alone so do try to cherish what you have and look at the positive, thanks for your thanks, no problemā¦
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Yes luckily I was brought up to be a very optimistic person. Grief obviously is another ball game and changes people. I know itās changed me. But we cope because we do it for them.
Take care.
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Itās so hard, every day is a battle, I canāt seem to think positive, as Martin was my positivity, life is so so difficult now, I have so many bad days. So sorry everyone hurting on here.
Amy xx
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Oh Amy,
I am sorry that you are finding it so difficult. Itās hard to find any positivity when your special person has died. I totally empathise with you. I used to be a positive person but now I canāt find anything positive in my life. Everyone says take small steps, one day at a time, I have even said it my self in posts on here I think. But it is so hard when every day is just like groundhog day. Well for me it is.
Take care.x
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@Loobyloo2 Yes, the groundhog day thing is real. I have loads of different things to do to sell our house in Crete, start to tackle the bureacracy of banks etc, to clean and do āstuffā - but itās all so completely pointless without my best girl. Itās only āstuffā, and Iām trying to get a routine to make myself eat, go to bed, get out of the house if only to communicate with a stranger for 10 seconds in a shop - but why? I used to make a pot of coffee in the morning to give done to Sharon when she woke up, now I make it (smaller) but not sure why I bother. This canāt be it from now on, surelyā¦
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Hi, agree with you all. Groundhog day is a perfect description, the film with Bill Murray was actually one of my husbandās favorites. I donāt think Iād ever be able to watch it again, like so many other favorites of my husbandās.
@DennisS, just like you, I just hate having to make just one espresso coffee in the morning, my kids obviously wake up later than me. It still feels all so unnatural, like Iām acting in a film,or living a parallel life which is not the real one. But that real one is never coming back,because with my husband I lost my own life too, Iām just surviving now because I still happen to be alive. My kids would be so upset hearing me say these things, thatās why Iām so grateful I can pour my heart out here on this site.
A peaceful day to all of you.
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Hi I totally understand . We do what is best for our kids . They donāt need to know how heartbroken we are and just want to be with our husbands . So we do a good job of putting an act on in front of them .and keep going muddling through each day . Trying to exsist in this life we donāt like and donāt want without our loved partners . Our kids deserve a happy life . Like what we had . They are also grieving for there special dad . Who was always there for them and made everything better . And I agree this site is a godsend . Where we can be ourselves and say how we really feel . Without being judged . And get a lot of help knowing that how we feel is normal and get a lot of support .xtake carex
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Well said @Broken2222, thatās just the way it is, keeping on a brave face.
You take care too.
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So true itās the hardest face to out on but what family and friends want as time goes on they are there for us less less I really want to be with my husband right now must think kids
Take care all have best day you can xx
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Oh Rosie I totally agree with you friends seem to drift away as we are not part of that couples world anymore. I keep going for the sake of my wonderful daughter who would be devistated if she knew how desparate I feel.
We have to live on our memories now and because our partners would want us to try. X
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Hi Solost,
Some of your words resonate so much - āBecause with my husband I lost my own life too, Iām just surviving now because I still happen to be alive.ā Exactly how I am feeling still after three years and seven months. And yes, my adult kids and my grandkids would be so upset (which is why Iāve learnt not to say too much), but it is still so difficult to even get through a day. God bless to everyone in this situation 
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I donāt want to feel like this. I feel ok and in the next minute if feel in despair. I can only live in the moment because if I think any further I get anxious.
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Hi oh Neil I know exactly how you feel . We miss our husbands so so much . Our lives are so sad without them . I donāt know how I have managed this long without him . It is such a lonely life now . No happiness no love no nothing . I am not me anymore just some person that tries to live day to day . I miss and love my hubby more and more each day . Xtake carex
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