I won’t be posting on here again. It used to be a support.
Dear G
It will be two years in September since I lost my husband in a motorbike accident. No goodbyes, retirement 16 weeks away only for my world to fall apart. I always tell people that I feel ‘shit’ - I’m not going to lie to save how they feel and as you say definitely a conversation stopper but so be it. One of my brother-in-laws dropped in for one of his ‘tick off the list’ visits. As he was leaving he told me he didn’t bother calling anymore because he had tried but I was always negative - he still has his wife - I told him life was shit and what did he expect after loosing my husband. He just shook his head and left. Although we have two wonderful kids and two beautiful little grandsons, the pain is as great as the first day that I lost my husband. xxx
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Oh @Solost I so get it - the feeling this isn’t real, it’s a film or a waking nightmare. And I still cant look back on my past, as again it seems like a film I once saw, but not real - did it really happen?
I’m trying to pry the lid off the box, to analyse and understand, and very occasionally my brain allows me glimpses of reality, but for seconds every week or so - and then the shutters drop. Surely this nightmare cant be permanent? That’s just not possible…
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@nel Yes, I totally understand about living in the moment. I used to plan everything always thinking about the future (Sharon knew the past, dates etc and laughed at me when I couldn’t sequence things we’d done - but we completed each other); but now I darent. I try to write down what I will eat for the next 2 days (usually cheese on toast) but there is no future and I can’t handle any though if anything without my girl by my side - (as I just wrote that last bit I could feel the grief swelling up inside me and my eyes moistening, then the shutters dropped and I’m just numb and dead inside again).
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I came off FB yesterday, too many things setting me off.
I’m so strong and seem way ahead of my grief journey them wham it came at me like a tornado yesterday.
I’ve got an amazing set of friends who are all 100% here for me , if I didn’t have them and her sister who lives 220 miles away but is regularly staying at my house I don’t know what I’d do . I’m very lucky to have them, they are committed to helping because my Mandy told each and every one of them in a letter to keep an eye on me .
Still it’s shit and always will be
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@DennisS, when you mentioned the shutters, I thought about how recently I’ve literally living like a vampire, with the shutters always closed. . During these hot humid interminable days, if I don’t have any errands or shopping to do, I often go through days when practically I only see the light of day in the early mornings. Luckily, we live in the country, so I need to go outside every now and then to feed the cats, do odd jobs, hang up washing, but just for a minute or two. @Northumbrian54, judging by what I’ve read in many of the posts in this community, you are one of a few lucky ones to have a great group of friends to support you. Sometimes I feel that grief is treated by others as if it’s ‘contagious’, just something to avoid. It’s probably because unless you’ve lost a soulmate you just cannot ‘get’ it.
Like Keats wrote: “Nothing’s real 'till its experienced”.
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@Solost yes, the mental shutters drop, involuntarily and despite what I want, for my brain to protect me - but yes, the World is now dark and there is no light without Sharon.
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That’s right, I may sound dreary but when I see that hot sun out there, I ask: “What is there to shine about?”
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In the midst of our grief it’s very very hard to find something to smile about… i find unless people have experienced the loss of a partner they can’t really understand the hurt and despair we all feel… I lost my husband in March but I’ve now set myself little challenges and when I go out for a walk look for something that will make me smile even a pretty flower a butterfly etc… I’ve even found joy in planting and watching things grow … I also every night try to watch some comedy on TV that actually makes me laugh a few great box sets on Netflix and iplayer … it is a constant struggle to fight back the tears so I just let them fall which can be anywhere at anytime for no reason … yes grief has changed my life and I hate it but i wont let grief define me… take care everyone
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That is good, sensible advice with positivity which I’ve been trying to put across on here for a while.
Grief gnaws away at you if you let it,
Yes, our new lives are shit but try to see beyond the dark clouds. It’s what your partner’s would have wanted.
G. X
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It is so sad what we are all going through but comforting that we are not going through it alone. I lost my partner who was the absolute love of my life in February 2021. I have done everything I can to keep busy to not think of the horror inside my head and friends and family have been so kind but now everyone is drifting away. I suppose they think I’m doing ok because I put a front on for everyone now because as you say you don’t want to push people away. I am so needy which I have never been I hate who I have turned into I am just not me anymore . Sending big hugs to everyone on here reading your stories helps and we are doing well just getting through the days 
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Hi DennisS
I read your posts and others so I feel the same pain. I have had so many setbacks and a major one with the house yesterday which I am not sure can be put right. I am now beginning to think my David could be sending a message as he knew I could not cope without him and with no family or friends it is to hard.
Jessica
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@Jessica1231 what is the problem with the house, is it anything we can help with?
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Hi Ang12
I feel exactly the same as you do. I can’t believe I’ve been without Ian for 13 months now as it still seems like yesterday when he suddenly passed away.
I have tried keeping busy or not as the case may be, but the reality is that I miss him so much and just don’t want a future without him. Like you, I can appear ‘happy’ on the surface but inside I’m just heartbroken and oh so lost.
Family have been very supportive, friends and neighbours not so to be honest but nobody can never fill the emptiness inside me now.
I just don’t know what to do anymore ……
Take care,
X Julie
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Massive breakdown this afternoon,
Utterly shit
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Hi . So sorry you have had a breakdown this afternoon . It just hits you hard sometimes . And you are still very early on in your grief . And missing your wife and the life you had . Just reach out on here there is always someone to talk to . Who understands . We have all been there . Sorry that my words are not great . But know I am thinking of you xtake carex
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Not trying to belittle anyone’s grief - because we all know it’s SHIT. and it’s extremely painful.
But ----
I wonder how did past generations cope thru wars, etc with grief and loss?
I don’t remember any of the outpouring of misery compared to what I’ve read on here. The posts are getting very depressive.
As I’ve said im not going out my way to offend anyone nor judge.
Don’t let grief define you or take over – and don’t be offensive in response.
G. X
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Dear G
I do remember growing up that in times of crisis neighbours and family rallied round a lot more than it appears today. I think also - especially for me - social media such as Facebook posts and memories can cause issues and I do try to avoid that particular platform now.
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Not sure how to respond to this. I assume they just had to get on with as there wasn’t the help there is now. But getting on with it doesn’t mean they didn’t feel it inside, doesn’t mean they weren’t unhappy or cried themselves to sleep. I try & share positive things as well, but I also know this is also a place I can share a meltdown because it may help someone think they’re not the only one to feel this way. Just because you’re feeling sometimes life is hard doesn’t mean you’re letting grief define you, for me as I can only speak for myself, getting it out & written down is a therapy & I find it helps.
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Hi Julie me neither I can’t keep this busy forever its exhausting I hate it I just want to be able to sit in my own house and be ok but I cant without him it’s painful . Some days worse than others! I don’t know what more I can do either just pretend for the rest of my life I’m ok x sending you hugs all we can do is try and make them proud
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