Hi, my beloved husband died on 29th May after a nearly 2-year battle with cancer. We knew time was short but the end, when it came, was sudden, unexpected and traumatic. He was 57.
I haven’t posted on a forum before but, if ever a post resonated with me, it’s this one. It is complete and utter shit. We had no children. I’m blessed with very good friends who do their best, but don’t quite get it. I was never a big crier - always prided myself on being ‘strong’ - but over the last few weeks, have howled and wailed every day, and often during the night. I sometimes wonder if I can stand this - but I know I have to try for his sake. He told so many people that he wanted to leave things ‘right’ for me, financially, etc., and, bless him, he did. He showed such love and courage, and the pain and loss I feel is indescribable. I honestly don’t know if posting on here will help, but felt I needed to.
Hi there good for you for reaching out. It’s not a happy place this forum but it does hit home to you that you are not along in this grief. We are all at different stages in this horrible journey but we all share the same sadness in that we have lost the person we love most.
BIG hugs 
from me x
Georgina
@Anza I’m fairly new here, but once I discovered the “losing a partner” topic posts, I log on every morning to read what others are going through and make an occasional post or reply.
I don’t think anything will “help” the devastation and sheer constant mental torture the loss of a soul mate brings - BUT I do find that reading that others are in the same position, seeing how others cope and grind out each day, perhaps deal with everyday issues does give me an understanding of what is happenning to me. And I guess others feel the same… And the other joy of this is that it’s anonymous, so you can be totally open and honest with people who DO understand, because those (even family and friends) simply can’t get it.
Good morning @DennisS, yes that’s right, they just don’t GET IT. I find that this is one of the amazing advantages of internet social (I’ve never been a big fan, had never been part of a forum before this), that we can talk to people who really understand, feeling free to pour our heart out, saying anything we want, without being judged,and I’m so far away from you all.
I see you’re back home now, I hope you will feel more at ease now, finding a little comfort, being back in the place you shared with your beloved wife.
@Solost Thanks for that - yes, it’s because others here walk in our shoes, and we can be honest, that gives this site such strength.
Yes, back in the UK now, I found it unbearable in the villa but did everything I needed to do to put it up for sale - but it was far harder coming back into the house in the UK than I thought it woukd have been.
I guess a “home” is what I had with Sharon, and now I have nothing.
Thanks for your note, I’m going to see my eldest son today for the night - that will be another “first” without Sharon by my side so will be really hard, but (like you and others on here who have lost a partner) I’m just doing my best to carry on with no idea where I’m going. Hope weather in Italy has settled a bit…
So true, a tough journey to an unknown destination that none of us want to be travelling.
Reading all your post so sad we are on here yes it is a journey we was not ready for and do not know our destination one we don’t want it’s so very painful we tick along
Take care all hope you find strength to cope xx
Thanks to those who replied to me. It is eight weeks today since Paul died. Just went out to the garden to drink a toast to him. This is just so hard. I know all of you who post here will understand.
Anza,
Yes we do. Sending you lots of love and hugs tonight. It’s really not easy.
xx
Hi everyone
I have been so sad and crying the whole weekend and as usual not seen or heard from anyone. I have got up this morning thinking why am I getting up there is no future without my beloved everything and everyone stopped the day he died. So do I just exist everyday I never mixed with anyone as we live in a remote part and never needed anyone as we had each other.
Jessica
@Jessica1231 - I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low. It’s very hard to be alone when we’ve been happy with the life we had.
I have friends and family close by, I try to keep contact with them, although often it’s the last thing I want to do. I’ve just got back from a weekend break with my husband’s sister, she understands me and how my loss has affected me, but I still feel happier at home.
Could you try more on line contact to make new friends? I know it’s daunting, I’m not sure I could do it. Please keep posting here as there is support from people who “get it”. There’s no easy solution and I’m sure as time goes on you’ll feel better but it’s a slow journey and after 7 months I’m not much better yet.
Take care of yourself x
Jessica,
I am so sorry. My husband and I were the same. Together all the time 365/52/24! The magnitude of the sudden loss is unfathomable. One minute he was fine, the next minute he wasn’t.
I am struggling as well, this weekend also particularly hard, constantly crying. In so much pain I have had to lie down to cry. Hard to describe and I feel ridiculous writing that down, but I know people here understand.
I feel that baby steps help me. On those low days, going to a local shop (or your nearest one) just to buy a few items and be around people. Also at your nearest village or town is there a community group or club? Think back to what you enjoyed when you were younger, even at school, and maybe there is something you might like to try again. Even if it’s a bit of a journey to get there it might just help. The other option is an online club tied to such an activity.
I have joined an art club and that helps. Just distracting myself. Sometimes I don’t want to go, but just make myself.
I know you are very isolated geographically, so not sure what to suggest but hope that what has helped me might help you. Thinking of you xx
“Loveforever” wrote -
We have to look for the sparks of hope to keep us going.
The sparks are there, maybe not at the moment but slowly they will appear.
G. X
Today like yesterday I just cried out for a hug , a cuddle off Mandy it never came it won’t ever come and that just started that gut wrenching sobbing that hurts .
I truly believe I was gonna be ok, I’m getting worse as the weeks tick by but I won’t want therapy, I see it as a waste of time .
I’m the strongest person I can be and have been but this is ripping me up from deep in my heart , literally heartbroken.
Forgive me for moaning but this has been me for the last 3 days again .
Glen I am exactly the same 8 months for me now ,I cry every day at at some point. I too have good people around me ,I am so grateful for that …but that pain and sadness of missing David is definitely hard to cope with …just want to hold his hand …have a chat .feel.that love .I told someone who asked how I was ,that I had a really hard couple of weeks…they asked me why !!! Do they think 21years together can be emotionally removed in 8 months …at least you can post on here knowing people understand EXACTLY how you feel …I never thought I would be in this situation…I feel anxious and scared without him it’s absolutely vile …love to everyone posting here feeling this pain 
Good rnorning to you all, you may not all be up yet, I think we’re an hour ahead now at the moment, here in Italy. I was just checking in here as I do each morning, I just want to say that I’m with you all, know what you’re all feeling, one thing I’ve learned that this mental pain is just as unbearable as physical pain, only worse, as there’s no miracle painkiller pill you can take to give you a couple of hours of solace.
Sorry, my post got cut off by mistake, I just wanted to add that lately, to help me get through my days, I just have to ‘block’ my mind and not think of anything, pretending I’m just stuck in a bad dream, this is not my real life, my husband is actually here but he’s “invisible”, he HAS to be around there somewhere.Am I mad? I know you won’t think so, I know you will all understand, I can only say this here. Even after over a year and a half, I still cannot admit to myself that he’s d… or ‘p…away’.
There, you see, I can’t even say or write those words… When I happen to bump into someone or on the phone with official stuff, and they don’t know about my husband, I never use those words, I jusy say he’s no longer here, and I become furious if I hear others use those words in my presence.
Do any of you experience this ‘vocabulary’ denial?
Wishing you all a peaceful day.
@solost Totally me, the most I can say is “Sharon passed” or “Sharon left” .
And on your other post: I’ve had a lot of stress in my life as a child and as an adult, and I’d always be able to “block” difficult thoughts or “change the subject” and being with Sharon it was so much easier, she always put things in perspective. When I was running our business in the financial crisis, in big trouble with our house on the line, she’d just say: “so what? We started with nothing, and it doesn’t matter if we go there again - so as long as we’ve got each other nothing else matters”. Which makes coping now so difficult. I totally get your “blocking”, I’m going to get out today, even if I’m on my own, just to try to distract me from being in my own head all day again.
Hi Solost, Dennis, ForeverLove (and all of you going through this shit), I totally get it about the vocabulary denial. I still use the present tense about Paul, sometimes by accident and sometimes deliberately, and I say ‘we’ all the time. I want to be the ‘we’ again and not the ‘I’ that I now am (hate even writing that). Does that make sense?
Yesterday was very challenging - I went to the funeral of a family member of a very good friend. Several mutual friends told me how ‘brave’ I was for going and offered lots of sympathy, which was lovely, but added to the emotional overload. Held it together until I got home, but last night and this morning have been very hard. Have a lot of practical things to do but can’t get motivated. Think I’ll go back to bed for a while.
Hugs to all.
Morning,
Yes, the “p” word is ok but definitely not the “d” word.
On the phone I reply he doesn’t live here any longer.
I haven’t had a family over for a sit down meal (make your own sandwich is ok) as I suffer from “empty chair syndrome”.
He is just out of sight at the moment…
I told our son it’s hard but I’ve just had to put my big girl pants on and get by with lots of swear words!
No-one is mad , its just a coping mechanism.
Take care. G. X