Waffle away. I believe talking about the horror of what happened is helpful. My husband also died of cancer in April 2020 which was really good timing (not). I am currently having counselling from Cruse and I am reliving the hurt of that time but I am benefitting from it. I also try to comfort myself by believing that his pain is over but nothing really helps does it
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I am so glad to read everyoneās responses and so sorry that we are all having to go through this.
I think people just want us to be ok, like nothing ever happened and back to our normal selves. When someone asks me how I am I just say āok, but it really is shitā and try to smile to take the edge off my comment. I am not sure how else to respond.
No one knows how awful it is to lose your spouse until it happens to them, and sadly 50% will find out.
It is the most jarring, life changing, identity challenging experience there is, not to mention coping with just every day living, and lay on top of that the memories of final months, weeks, days or hours, as we battle to stay afloat, yet it seems like society feels that you should be better already.
Love to all x
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I feel exactly the same my wonderful husband died 1year 3months ago and I feel more alone now than I did. I think when you see couples out together enjoying their retirement I think we will never have that my David was 69 and still running our business. Good and bad days but we must try and make some sort of life for ourselves as shit as it is. I wish all the best for the future. X
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Hello everyoneā¦just checking in ā¦having a better day todayā¦no tears yetā¦had to be better than the last few days ,where I literally didnāt know how to handle the situation any more ā¦just been a walk with Scrappy my pup ā¦back home now in my safe place ā¦love to everyone, trying to stay strong ā¦x x x x
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Hi Dave
It good to hear that Dave and thanks for sharing. Iām sure your other friends on here will take comfort from what you say and be glad you have found respite even if itās brief. Thank goodness you have Scrappy, a great incentive to getting out and about.
Thinking of you.
Miche24 x
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Hi there
I lost my wife 8 months ago and agree with every word you said. This is exactly how I feel. I have my dog which has been a life saver for me. It gets me out of bed in the morning and gets me out of the house as he need long walks twice a day. I would recommend getting a dog if possible it will certainly give you a distraction.
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Hi
I do have two dogs one was a working collie now my David has gone she is redundant like me I let her out in the morning and the I have the terrier who is happy to go on the garden. I cannot think of taking her for a walk as I do not want to see people. I am here this morning wondering if I can go on another day with all this pain. I have no one now and this Weekend is going to worse then ever. It is his birthday Monday and I do not know if I am going to make it until then.
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My wife Sue died in September 2021, 8 months ago, seems like yesterday still, I still relive the day she went, I still walk round the house looking for her, asking questions, like when i cant find something, in fact i dislike being in house
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When I saw the phrase āit is just shitā I felt I had to reply. That has often been my response as it seems the only description that comes anywhere close since my husband died 18 months ago shortly after being diagnosed with Mesothelioma.
All the things people have already written resonate with me and I do try and keep busy and have good days enjoying time with family and friends but that big gaping hole and sense of loss is always there although I think the tears are slightly less frequent now. I came across this quote a while ago which I felt was very apt so thought I would share as it may help some of you.
āGrieving the loss of someone you love feels like carrying them around, hidden and invisible to the naked eye but your spirit heavy with their memory and presence. I carry him with me every day, and these days itās doesnāt weigh me down as much with sadness. These days his memory stamped on my heart is as normal to me as the colour of my eyes and the sound of my voice.
When you mention him, you arenāt reminding me of him, heās already intertwined with my every thought. When you mention him, you are reminding me that Iām not alone in remembering that he did exist, that he was here and that heās still mineā
The flash backs to all the hospital visits etcā¦ do lessen with time but still pop into my head and Iāve tried to focus on happier memories and good times, but itās not easy and there are times when itās all too much, as someone else said, time is not a healer, you just learn to live with your loss.
Sympathy to everyone x
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I hear every word if this.
A year ago yesterday for me and due to so many other external complications Iām right back where I started but thatās fine as this time itās all my choices.
Itās my grief nobody has the right to judge me or him or us and it will take as long as it takes but being finally able to get headspace to confront it and journal and write to him is helping again.
I have a plan. 8ve been working non stop for a year rebuilding upside down broken world so from now on I never allow myself to feel bad Iāve had to start again from nothing and you are so right, this texts etc that brought tears to my eyes were people not close to me or donāt know me at all and those acts of kindness restores a bit more belief.
No more worrying 9r doubting myself. Itās only kess inside this particular pain so I decide how and when to work through itā¦wow q full year to learn that and itās freeing in a way. Keep fighting even when the world around you seems to have forgotten. It hurts it lonely but itās us qs we are not how we āsholudā be xx
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Hi Jessica1231
Hope you are managing to get through the first day of this bank holiday nightmare, I have to have the tele or radio on to hide the emptiness, it must be doubly difficult for you as you are in a remote part of the country. After Karenās funeral there are more empty days than full ones, I had the idea that we would grow old together but fate got in the way, I get angry with Karen for smoking which caused her lung cancer and then I am angry with myself. People say things will get better but I have a way to go as itās just a month since Karen died.
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Itās been just over a year for me, weād just started a new life in a different part of the country and had four blissful years of village life with lots of new friends. Then the Covid lockdowns hit and were followed almost immediately by her diagnosis, so the year was awful.
Now so many people have lost the will to socialise just when I need good friends, and Iām very aware I could come over too āneedyā to the ones who do keep me busy.
And ābusyā is a two-edged swordā¦ My days are full but it just seems like Iām going through the motions a lot of the time. I can do all the daily routines but any time I try to do something new or special, I almost get a panic attack. - The nicer it is, the worse it feels, because I canāt share it with her. It all seems rather pointless!
Does time heal at all?
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Hi Pete
Today has been one of the worst day for a long time. I have rang some friends but they are all busy with this occasion. David and I were always to busy to do anything like that. I feel today I do not want to go on without him and am dreading another day tomorrow his birthday will be Monday and I think I may stay in bed for the day. I just pray to feel a little bit better but not happening yet Stay in touch
Jessica
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Hi Roy
We actually built our house together with a bit of help we always said we would never leave a grow old together now he has gone I hate it here and when probate is through I will probably sell it as it causes me to much heartache.
Jessica
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Hi Jessica1231 Karen and me bought the house I am in now 13 years ago, this is where all our memories of mostly good times are and I donāt feel I would want to sell up and move elsewhere, Karen was responsible for initiating all the changes that we had done over the years and results of her work are everywhere. We were married in 2016 - Karen at long last persuading me to take that step, I wear her wedding ring round my neck now. Iāve left her bedroom as it was when she was last there in March, after that it was hospital and nursing home. Pete
My husband also suddenly passed away 29/12/21. It has been a tough few months, but getting there. I am keeping busy, great to get out in the garden. We will never forget. Life sure is short, we have to make the most of it. Family and friends have been great supportā¦
which helps.
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Hi Jessica1231
Iām so sorry to hear you are really struggling this weekend, itās a time when those of us who are grieving and alone really feel that isolation and loss.
Please do contact the Samaritans phone number 116123 - if you are struggling and need urgent help; failing this please keep writing to us because there is so much love and support on here for you. Let us know tomorrow if I can assist further as I will be on duty in the morning.
Thoughts and love are coming your way,
Miche24
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Dear Pete47
Iām so sorry you are having a such a hard time having lost your Karen and want to offer my sympathy in your loss.
A month is no time at all in the grieving process and yet it seem to be forever; every day is a mountain to climb. Somehow big celebrations like the Jubilee bring home more keenly the fact you are alone and grieving.
You wrote so kindly to Jessica, and as you reached out from your heart so will others reach out to you. Iām so glad you found the Sue Ryder Community, may you find comfort on here that you so badly need.
Miche24
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Hi
Iām exactly the same a try to avoid people and take my dog to places I know are quiet. Iām dreading this weekend also. Especially when I see couples out walking and I am on my own. Weekends I find are the worst. Sitting here this morning wondering where I can go what can I do itās going to be a long weekend. Take care
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Hi Jessica,
I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. Please know that all of us on here do understand (to some degree) how you feel. No matter the circumstances of how we lost our loved one, the feelings that we all have are the sameā¦ The sadness, the loneliness, the longing for them back, the anger that we are left to try to cope on our own. We get it and we are here for you. I am thinking about you over the weekend and approaching Davidās birthday. Please feel free to reach out to me any time.
Take care and please look after yourself.
Amanda x