It is not a one size fits all...

I have noticed our posting’s either consist on positives or negatives, obviously the positives outweigh the negatives but as we now know…as of many of our bereaved posters, it is not a one size fits all…yes we are all grieving a loss, but the aftermath for the one who is left to survive could not be any different from each other,as to how do we ourselves move forwards, some have close knit family to help, this is not the case for all…then we have our own circumstances to deal with, not all are left with sufficient finances, or are left in good health themselves…so to all those who are positive thinkers, doers, please spare a thought for the members who have other issues to deal with, in this life it really is not that simple,straightforwards as to " one size fits all…" because, no it just doesn’t…

Jackie…

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But hopefully those that are not in a good place can take strength from those that are being positive.

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Well said Jackie, so many people try to make you feel like a "useless failure " because you can’ t go around being positive when your heart is broken and your life is in ruins.
The expectation that you should be positive is yet another pressure.
You feel how you feel and usually with good reason. A lot of people have nothing in their lives after losing their partner. Sadme

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I don’t think people are like that on here though

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Some are, most people are very kindly and supportive but sadly I’ ve found the tone of some posts is “my way is the only way " anyone who can’t see the “positive (good)” is seen as being " negative (bad)”
Maybe that’s just me. Sadme

I guess Sadme. It’s an emotive forum . Most people’s feelings are very deep rooted and insular. But that’s due to grief.

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Hi there, have you considered that the people that are trying their very best to possibly sound positive are actually trying to help the ones that are struggling. I do try to be positive, whatever that means, because I don’t want to personally be seen as doom and gloom all the time. I have found it doesn’t help me.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the pain any the less. I cry as much as the next. I can feel a deep depression, I wonder when this pain will end but I do try hard to be good company when with family and friends and have found that by helping others it helps me
I have not noticed any such comments “My way is the only way” by people who are showing a positive attitude. In fact I think that members in general feel a great sympathy for those who seem to be suffering much more and show only kindness. Perhaps it’s just not noticed.
Take care and good luck to you.
xxx

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I agree with you Pat

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Hi,
I spend a lot of time considering people’s posts. I find it more helpful if people are honest about how they feel.
My neighbour (who lost his wife suddenly ) said " it’s the worst time of your life" it was open , honest and true.
I found it much more helpful than the friend, who a couple of years after her husband died said to me " oh you’ll be fine, I have a great time with my friends now I can do whatever I like" who did she think she was kidding? It was blatantly untrue.
I didn’t say anyone on here had made the actual comment " My way is the only way" but that’s the tone from some of the posts.
Some may find putting on a brave face helpful and I certainly don’t go around being all doom and gloom with other people but I feel there is a pressure on people to think that all will be well if only they would be more positive.
As I said in my post people on this forum are kindly and supportive. Sadme

People are also a different stages in their grief. Shock, trauma, worry, anger, upset and perhaps gaining some acceptance.

Daffy…
…yes i totally agree…plus when one first joins here we are basically all " doom and gloom " we cant see any way forwards, that is until some members eventually get some form of their life back together, ie: start joining things, clubs, societies, hobbies, things that they had never joined before, or had no interest in ever joining before but, joining now as to making some form of a " new " life for themselves instead of sitting indoors crying and going over things all the time, but this if fine for the members who wish to do this and more so the members who can do this, then only then when they feel they dont need this bereavement forum anymore, they leave, our forum has then done its job…it was here when they needed it…but they dont need nor want to continuing being around other doom and gloomer’s forever…thank heavens this forum has no time scale…we leave when one feels they are ready to leave…

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Hi there. You know I have no idea if all will be well and neither do I know if I am being positive. Although told I am, what does positive mean when our hearts are broken. What I do know is that each day I do my best, what is best for me, I look for things that can bring pleasure, I keep busy doing the things that Brian and I enjoyed together and at the end of the day I go to bed, pleased with myself that I have got through that day reasonably well because when I wake in the morning I have no knowledge of how I will cope. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be this hard. I was told that time will ease the pain, how many of us have been told that and still waiting for the pain to ease. I was told this by a man that lost his wife. A very wealthy man who could do exactly what he liked, when he liked. Money no object. He remarried two years later, so time did ease his pain but I can’t say it’s easing mine except that I am now finding an acceptance of my life as it now is. I am a very determined person who does not want to feel like this for the rest of my life, but who knows. I have mentioned that perhaps I shouldn’t be among grieving people all the time but for the time being I find it very comforting to know I am not out there alone. I feel I have ‘friends’ on this forum also. We are all struggling in our own way and dealing with our loss the best we can.
Pat xxx

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Wise words indeed Jackie. I have continued to do the things that Brian and I did together, perhaps because I am in my comfort zone then. I don’t however feel I am among Doom and gloomer’s, but I did say that I didn’t want to be all doom and gloom myself. When I first lost Brian I walked around with my head down, not acknowledging people, probably because I was crying most of the time or likely to do so.
I am making an effort to mix with people now but I don’t visualise that this will be a lasting thing. I will find my place at sometime but for now I wait and take each day as it comes.
Take care
Pat

Pat…
…that is all any of us can do…" take each day as it comes…"I am glad we do not know what is waiting for US around that next corner…

I just adopted a dog- he is helping me so much

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Hi I am so pleased you have chosen to adopt a dog. My two are rescue dogs and they give me so much pleasure and companionship, get me out and make me laugh. I have owned dogs most of my life but these two are special because I need them so much to help get me through each day.
What sort of dog have you got and was it a rescue.?
Good luck

Hi all … it’s nine mo this for me since my husband died, seven years since my firstborn son died a d two years since my remaining son took his last breath with me by his side. It’s horrific abd it’s traumatising. I am absolutely heartbroken and being without my soulmate is so so so hard.

Recently I did start thinking to myself that no one else can do this for me. I needed to help myself. I stead of staying in bed for days on end I would go cycling or walking alternate days and I would start to batch cook and eat better … instead of just eating toast or something on toast. I am starting to feel a bit better … I still cry every single day for the family I have lost! But they would all want me to be a survivor (hard as it is) … not a perpetual victim.

Of course we are all at different stages etc. This is purely my personal opinion … I still have bad days for sure but some are not quite do bad as they used to be.

Love to all here, Sue x

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Sue you are so inspiring. What a lot of awful heartache. Why some people have to go through so much pain is too cruel.

Sue, you put the heartache and grief I feel from the death of my beautiful husband into perspective. I miss him so very much and I feel a permanent emptiness and sadness inside of me but, you have so much to deal with and I admire you so, so much.

I cannot comprehend how much pain you must feel after the deaths of your two sons as well as your husband. Seriously, incomprehensible.

The mere fact that you get out of bed each day is worthy of praise and a testament to your strength, never mind any further achievements throughout each day.

An inspirational lady you certainly are and one I will think about when I have a bad day. I am in awe of you, I really am.

Sending you a hug and lots of love and prayers xxx

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Thankyou hun … it’s so hard. I can’t believe all this has happened to me sometimes … we can only keep trying to carry on. Love Sue x