Good morning do people find it hard to go out and mix. I am usually outgoing but I am turning down offers at the moment as I can’t face people. I know I am lucky to have friends and family and I realise that there are many people on their own but this makes me feel guilty . Sometimes I don’t think I am getting any better and I dread waking up to the panic that lasts most of the day x
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Yes I found it hard going out for well over a year since I lost my mum. I would say that from February this year it’s been easier for me. Will be a year and 9 months tomorrow since my mum died.
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Sorry for your loss @Rosy6.
I’m 19 months into my grief journey. I find I’m happy to spend two or three hours in the company of people I know but I find that I need to balance the social contact with periods of solitude when I can reflect and process my grief.
I guess it’s all about balance. I think we all need periods of respite when we can think of something other than the loved one we have lost.
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I spent thirty five years in the RAF flying planes,in that time I saw many horrible things,I had a bad crash due to equipment failure and was not expected to survive,I then realised life is hanging by a tenuous silk thread and easily cut,I loved my wife of fifty five years to the moon and back,but no amount of my grief would bring her back,life is not a given, tomorrow is not guaranteed, there is a host of laughter, love and enjoyment still out there to grab, grief is like a scab, it needs time to heal,but it never will if it’s constantly picked.
I wish peace, love and happiness to all those suffering.
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I am sorry for your loss too Wilson 9. I would normally push myself to go out but I agree with you I need the solitude to process it all. I think I have done too much to keep busy to keep negative feelings away . I am trying to go with it and work through the pain . It does seem to be helping. Wishing you well .
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Thank you MiloReine7 it’s very helpful that other people felt like this. I am needing to be selfish to survive . People seem shocked when I say I don’t want to go out as it’s so unusual for me but needs must. Take care xx
Thank you Ron11 . I agree with what you are saying. Life is short and we should live every day to the best as we can . I saw that in my job as a nurse. I always grab the positives in life and you do need that when you are having bad days going through Grief. I don’t think I grieved which is why it’s delayed grief. It finds its way to come out and it needs to rather than fester .
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Hello, I’m a newbie, hope I don’t make mistakes. About not going out, I’m disabled so at the moment I’m housebound but I can’t be bothered with visitors. That sounds awful but when anybody calls after the first few minutes of how are you, have you been out, have you seen anybody I’ve had enough, I feel like screaming, I want them to go, I dont want to listen to their wittering, I’m totally different on the phone, then I enjoy having a chat, I can’t explain, and it sounds crazy but I dread the front door opening, is it just me or anbodybelse feel the same.
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Hi Cassie37 From what I have read on here avoiding people seems to be normal. It is a strain being polite and upbeat with people when you don’t feel like it which is what I am feeling . I am sure that will improve when we are feeling stronger. Welcome to Sue Ryder. There seems a wealth of advice and support on here as we are all in the same boat. Take care x
I find going out with people very hard as I’m still constantly thinking about my partner. He died suddenly seven and a half months ago. I feel bad about saying this but I find most conversations with people to be trivial and exhausting sometimes. I have changed, my whole life is empty. I have no motivation and I’m sick of people telling me to get medication, that I must be depressed. Of course I’m depressed!! I lost the love of my life, someone I’d been with for almost 40 years. I don’t want to be like this but that’s how it is now.
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One of the rules I set myself at the start of my journey is that whenever anybody said “do you want to…?”. I always said YES before they finished asking me whatever they wanted me to do. That didn’t mean I actually did it, because I could always change my mind, but it also gave me time to consider it, and it’s surprising how many times I realised that it actually sounded good and I did it!
If my gut reaction was to say NO the opportunity had gone, and they began to think there’s no point in asking Tykey, because he always says no to everything.
I also answer yes if my own thoughts think of doing something (the most memorable being “shall I visit the Outer Hebrides?”) and I answered myself “YES!”. What an incredible epic trip that turned out to be
.
If I had answered myself “NO” I would probably have gone to Cleethorpes for a day trip
, which wouldn’t have been incredible and epic!
So always say yes to your thoughts and invitations, then think about it. You might surprise yourself how brave you are.
Don’t burn your bridges
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Hi Norma1 it’s early days for you and I can understand how you are feeling . People don’t understand unless they have been there . It’s just about surviving some days and getting through isn’t it. Thanks for your response and take care . Thinking of you xx
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Hi Tykey thanks for your response . I do agree with you about accepting offers which I normally do . I am going out but at this moment I need to have a bit iof solitude in between because I haven’t given myself time to grieve . I think I have kept too busy in the early days and blocked it all out but I will turn a corner soon and be back to myself soon hopefully . Wishing you well .
Hi Rosie, I certainly agree with you about the early days. Loads of people said to me, keep busy so you don’t have time to think. That would get me nowhere, the need to grieve is still there, and needs to be tackled. I’m still doing it after 4 years, but it’s nothing like it was at the start.
I guess I’m grieving this week, because I came over to Anglesey where we had many happy memories, specifically to remember the things we did. These days the memories seem very happy, I talk to her many times, but I now smile a lot, with the odd tear mixed in. If I always said no, I guess I’d still be in the spare bedroom doing jigsaws. N
Hi Tykey It sounds to me as if you are doing very well and keeping yourself busy . I am from South Wales but I have never been to Anglesey. However it always looks beautiful. Tenby was out special place and it still is as I have many happy memories of my husband and my children when they were younger . I am hoping you have had a good day .
Rosy
Hi @Rosy6 . It’s interesting that you need some solitude. I needed the same, and still do to some extent. I’m here in Anglesey in a remote shepherd’s hut, for that same solitude. I have our two dogs with me, who provide company and some links to her. They don’t say a lot though. I spend a lot of time on the verandah meditating, talking to her, and playing some music to her on my flute. Her picture is on the table in front of me, 
. I feel close to her and it certainly helps with my grieving, it’s still there to some extent after 4 years. I smile with her, and I’m sure she is smiling back, making sure I (and her dogs) are happy. I actually get a lot more solitude for healing here in this lovely remote hut, sheep and cows in the next fields and the view of Snowdon in the distance. Keep well, keep positive, look after yourself.
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Hi Tykey It sounds idyllic to me especially with you playing your flute and with your dogs. with you. Like you say time to meditate and think of your wife with nobody to bother you. There is a benefit from some solitude to reflect . Enjoy yourself and your memories.
Rosy
@Cassie37 I know where you are coming from i have been like that for yrs, soomeone used to some round and i would be looking for excuses for them to go very quickly, even put my coat on. but since hubby died yrs ago its got worse.
the last yr especially. i have no friends any way and apart from son who is at work all day i have no family near me. i am 70 and have bad healh anyway but since before xmas i have been out 3 times to shops, i dont want to go out and even though i have no one to talk to i dont want people round here, i will talk to them at the door but thats it. i used to be out every day, working in a charity shop. now i am happier being a recluse. sounds really bad but
I wish I had your appreciation of solitude but I m the opposite. Since my partner died I find the silence in the house oppressive, I always have the radio on, TV in the evening. My sister visits a couple of times a week, but visits from friends have lessened. My oldest friend has mobility problems and doesn’t drive anymore. She lives about 10 miles away but there’s no direct public transport, so I can’t visit her unless I get a taxi. I was with my partner for almost 40 years, we enjoyed each others company. I just feel so lonely and vulnerable.
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Hi Norma I think everyone is different about solitude. I was the same as you needing company but at the moment I have gone the other way . i have been like this the last month. I have just been out with my son for lunch and it’s a big step forward as I wasn’t so panicky . I think it’s best to have a bit of both as if you have too much solitude you can become introverted and depressed . Take care as the loneliness is the hardest thing to cope with xx
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