It’s not him, it’s me

Losing a partner
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I lost my amazing husband last June, and I am grieving. Everyone on this site is grieving and it is hell.
One thing occurred to me today, when I was trying to stop crying, and it is this:

Would you want your husband, wife, who-ever, to feel like this? To go through this daily/nightly hell that we are going through? I am sure the answer will be no.
In that case, we are sparing them, they are not going through what we are going through. And that is good, right? That’s something we can do for them.
So, we can’t bring them back. We can’t be with them, we have no choice but to go on. The other option is unthinkable. In that case, the least we can do is live the life they would want us to live. Do stuff, try to find something to smile about, make a memory book, sort out all those photographs, then lift up your chin and say, ‘I can do this. I am brave because you taught me how to be. You can’t live your life, but I can do it for you, my darling, or at least, I can try’.

Easier said than done, I know, but I have grieved for 8 months, and will grieve for the rest of my life, but I figure the least I can do is not waste the time I have left, because my wonderful husband would have wanted me to be happy. I can’t promise him happy, but I will do my best not to waste the life I have that he would have loved to live. I owe him, and me, and my lovely family, that. He didn’t want to die. We were so happy, together for 57 years, and married for 54. (How is it that people who are not happy together, seem to live for ever…?)

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who are suffering like I am. Do the best you can, when you can. Love to you all, Ann x x

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Dear Ann, your words could have been written by me, my husband left in June too, I have found comfort listening to a wonderful guy Tom Zuba, he has experienced loss of his daughter, wife and son in a short time. If you are interested check him out on Google or Facebook. I love how he explains the reason our loved one has left us its because they have finished what they needed to do on earth and have now gone home… I find I’m not as distressed as I was, but still have days when I can’t get out of bed and sometimes sob. But not as much as before. Take care, Margarita

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Hi Ann,

That is excellent advice. It’s the one thing that has kept me going, that and my 3 dogs, that Jim would never forgive me if I mourned him eternally,

My mother did that for my father. When I was 35, I went to see her, and she was peeling potatoes. She said, I was 27 years a wife, and soon I will be 27 years a widow. That was her mantra and she died aged 85, a few weeks before her 86th birthday, in a nursing home. She had vascular dementia and also Alzheimer’s. I am a novelist, before that I was a reporter, and I’ve worked in all sorts of places at all sorts of jobs.

With the Princess Royal’s Trust for Carers, I developed the idea of memory books. Now you see them all over the place, at the Alzheimer’s Society, etc… I could show you the one I made for my mother, but it’s in East Yorkshire, and I don’t know where you live. I am moving soon back to Scotland, my native land. Then I will go to see the PRTFC and ask them, do you really think this is fair? That’s irrelevant, but there is a thing called copyright, which I know very well.

I was married to Jim for nearly 18 years. I was his second wife, he was my one and only husband. I will always be his wife, but I may decide to have another partner or whatever. I am not going to let my life grind to a halt, as my mother did, because that simply makes all the people around you miserable.

You obviously have lost so much more than me, but I would like to congratulate you for your wonderful wisdom and advice, which I deeply appreciate.

With love - we are all sisters in grief, horrible as that is - but my thoughts really are with you, and when you read this, I hope your thoughts will be with me.

Christie xxx

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Dear Margarita
I am so sorry that you are suffering like me. Thank you for telling me about Tom Zuba, I shall certainly look at what he has to say. It sounds like it might help me too.
Take care too, Ann

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My thoughts are indeed with you, Christie and I appreciate your reply. I’m not sure I agree that I have lost more than you. Is that because you were married for a much shorter time? If so, I don’t think the length of time matters, if you love, you love. I am so sorry you lost your husband, and I am able to say I really do know how it feels.
You have led an exciting life so far, and I congratulate you for the Memory books. I agree with you that you have been treated unfairly and I hope it can be sorted out.
I wish you luck with your future plans and I admire your determination. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet, but when I do I hope I will have the strength to go forward.
Ann xx

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My husband said I must enjoy the rest of my life and he knew how hard it would be without him but he told me to get on with my life . He said he was jealous that i had probably another 20 years to live and he did not. This was not jealous in a nasty way , he just wanted to be alive to see his unborn grandchild ( due next month) and enjoy retirement with me. It has made me get up everyday and try and keep it all together . It is very hard when all you want is them back, when yearning for them gets unbearable. When I retire I plan on doing some charity work and try and make a difference to other people’s lives .

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Absolutely. I think you are right, we have to do what they wanted, for all our sakes. A mountain to climb but we will do it!
The charity work is a great idea. Let’s hope this wretched Covid gets moving soon. It isn’t helping! Xx

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Hi Anne
You were married for a life time. You must certainly feel lost without your half. I am only 4 weeks into losing my husband suddenly after 33 years. I now start a new life without him un bearable as I keep crying and want him back. However reading your positive words are encouraging and I trust that I will get to this stage to live out the legacy that my husband left I will do good for him and he would not want me to be crying endlessly as you are right I can’t bring him back.
Thanks Anne
Juneie

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AnnR I agree with you 100% this is exactly what we must all try to do and why we need to do it .
Your attitude and words are very inspiring and as you said it far easier said than done . And the pain is like no other I though childbirth was painful but it’s not even on a par with this painful, lonely, awful journey we are now left to face so again as you said we have to make our journey as memorable and as happy as we can make it . My husband was taken so very suddenly on September 1st no warning sign no illness nothing so that has taught me we don’t know how much time we have left so start living today or as soon as we are able now we appear to be coming out of this awful virus .
Thank you so much for the inspiration and take care
Karen x❤️

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Kasser i have woken up to your hopeful words. In the midst of each of our tragedys we each do not know how much time we have on this earth. With our husbands taken suddenly the shock is we did not see it coming. Time waits for no one. So make the most of what we have now.
Juneie

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You are very welcome Juneie. Four weeks is such a short time, and I remember the extreme pain when I was at that stage, when you think life can’t possibly go on. But it does, albeit in a totally different way, but there is no point in hiding the fact that it will ever be the same. I am trying to count my blessings. I had all those years with Tony, years I look back on with gratitude and pride, and I hope you will do the same.
Good luck, and hugs, Ann x x

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Thanks AnneR such special words. I have just encouraged my sister in law whose husband was buried on Friday gone. He was a nurse and died of COVID. This was my husbands brother. We are suffering the loss of two very special men in our lives. Tragic. So I’m hoping to draw on something positive out of so much tragedy.
Juneie

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My heart goes out to you both. It is bad enough losing someone to a normal illness, but when they are taken when they are helping others, it is appalling and so unfair. My blood boils when I think of someone doing their jobs, caring for people they don’t even know and, wham! That’s it.
I was once quite religious, a Sunday school teacher years ago and I remember telling my class that God acts for the greater good, He loves us and would only give us problems we can handle. Well, he took my darling precious husband who only ever did good for everyone and i can’t for the life of me think that is for the greater good and certainly not for mine. I am probably going to get bombarded with angry comments for this but if that is God acting for the greater good, well, I am no longer sure of my faith. What could possibly have been achieved by taking my husband, not to mention other people on here whose partners died well before their time. Words fail me as to what it is all about!

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Morning
Feel the same why why why
Big question
Not sure what I believe in any more
Please take care xx

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Hi AnneR

I’m just catching up on all the messages.

I’ve just come in and been out much of today to the bank again sorting out financial things changing names, the list is endless what you need to sort out when someone dies as you know.

Also went for a walk with my sister who passes by often and lives nearby. I am blessed to have lovely family around me. Yeah as you say your view is different and therefore that’s what makes us all unique you should not be shot down for your view that’s your view.

AnnR we do not have all of the answers and right now I am with faith and will hold on to my faith as I know that it is only God who can take me through on this lonesome journey.

I am a Sunday School teacher and attend a thriving church in Watford. Support has been impeccable and I’m strengthened by the prayers that I am receiving.

I refuse to be angry as there are people out there in worse situations than myself. I was scared, afraid, lack confidence as George did it all from house maintenance to finances etc. I’m now having to step into new territory since George died. I would rather have George any day but it is what it is and I cannot bring him back. I will learn all these new things that I need to do.

I am hopeful of also seeing George again one day in heaven. I would never begrudge people their happiness. From my humble point of view I believe that God is kind loving all powerful and I do not know why God allows some things to happen to some of us. He is fully in control when we look at the story of Job. We are not always supposed to understand everything and many things are defined by is as pretty awful. I am looking forward to a deeper revelation at this time in my life.

Like you AnnR many will not agree with my view point but that’s ok as we are all different.

You have a good evening…typical my washing is soaked raining in North London!!

Juneie

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Hi Juneie,
All I can say is, I would rather have your views than mine! I’m not happy feeling that I have been kicked in the teeth, but you are right, we need to believe.
You are a far better person than I am, and I will give your response careful thought.
Many thanks for giving me something to think about.
By the way, I didn’t even put my washing out! It’s not been nice here. With the lovely weather we had recently, I thought Spring had come. Silly me!

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Dear AnnR

I can understand the different view points.

My son no longer believes since his dad died in September. God knows that I prayed all the way to the hospital that my husband had survived the crash. Despite my devastation the only thing keeping me going is the belief that I will be reunited with my husband in heaven. I just cannot bear to think that I will never see him or be held by him again.

Understand how each of us come to our different thoughts.

Take care.

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AnneR and Sheila26

Thanks both for such lovely messages. I am no better than you AnneR just a mere vessel to lend support where I can.

You know even those with money cannot avoid death and it’s one certificate we do not relish. I wish we would have been in heaven forever and I blame Eve!!!

Anyway Sheila Yeah my wish is to see George again. Another evening without him just watching Coronation Street never watched all these soaps it was Emmerdale before.

AnneR hoping you can put your washing out tomorrow not sure on weather forecast in your area.

Have a good evening both I’m signing off now. Will do a bit of reading later and a bit more crying….

Juneie

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Dear Sheila,
Thanks for your message. I am so sorry, not only that you lost your husband, but how he died. It must have been especially hard for you with a son to help as well as yourself. That is an amazing feat.
I don’t really understand how i feel. I fluctuate - one minute I am going to see him again, then I go the other way and am convinced I won’t. This grief business is a nightmare. Not only is it a total nightmare, but then things come into your mind and it is so, so, hard to get calm again.
I wish you all the best, and your son too, of course.
Hugs, Ann x

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Dear Ann

Thank you. I also have a daughter but she lives down South and has struggled enormously since her dad’s death. She last saw her dad face to face in June on a social distance walk in Nottingham. She has only recently stopped using text to communicate and began to video-call. Like my son she has received counselling.

I agree grief and life now is a total nightmare. Before this I was a well organised person. I can hardly get out of bed and wash my face at the moment. Our little grandson keeps us all going. I refer to him as the golden thread that will get us through this somehow.

Take care xxx
Sheila