My brain copes that way as well thinking he is still here, plus I write my journal every day to him which I find helps. Day by day is all we can do xx
I write a journal every night to my son too. The very last thing I do at night is talk to him as though heās just above me. I canāt think of him not existing in some form.
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Iām glad Iām not the only one who writes a daily journal to my son, I donāt have a set time in the day doing it but done every day, part of my routine. I really find it helps me cope and whatever works for us to try and make it less painful. When I read back over the months I can see I have made progress, however I never plan ahead to the next day as Iāve learnt tomorrow is not guaranteed xx
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I know Iām in the very early stages of grief but I feel I have been here forever. The pain is as strong now as at the very beginning and as Iāve said, I just cannot believe she is gone. Like you @Taff i block it out by thinking sheās out somewhere but I will see her later. Itās too painful to even consider the alternative, so I shut it down, force the truth and the pain deep, deep down in the hope it will never resurfaceā¦but it does.
I use my phone to write to her, I cannot put pen to paper as I feel like Iām making it real.
I feel like sheās there with me every night that I go to bed and I talk to her.
This is my time for her and me. I canāt write any other time because I get so upset when I write and I donāt want my other daughter to see how badly I feel.
I worry she sees through me and can read my true thoughts.
Iām back to where I was again, canāt stop crying but i today we had my step sons ashes returned so think that is part of it.
Like you I still c t accept we so t see our children againā¦broken is an understatement on how I feel.
Trying to get bit of motivation but none today.
This time of year is not helping and will be glad when itās over.
Take care xx
Nearly his birthday, planning on walking to his grave, will be interesting when iāve just sat on settee for 5 months
Itās constant isnāt it?
You think once you reach an end point things will change, youāll feel better. How stupid is that? I thought once christmas was over Iād feel better, relieved it was over. But I donāt , Christmas took me right back to those first weeks and I havenāt recovered. Iām still reliving it all.
And now you have to get through his birthday, itās too cruel. My daughterās birthday is April. Like your son she will be forever 21.
Iām back to trying to block it all out, block her out when all my body aches for is to hold her again.
I hate that weāre living this life.
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Always seems to be a constant battle somewhere to get through the day. I never think ahead to the next day, and still canāt believe in March it will be a year, most of the time it feels like yesterday but just it all out xx
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Iām constantly thinking back to this time last year, I think New Year forces you to do that.
I am battling my emotions, the anxiety, the fight or flight.
Iām so worried Iām losing her, my memories of her, I used to be able to say ādo you remember?ā or āwho was that?ā or āwhere did that happen?ā And she always knew, always kept me right. Now I have no one to do that and I no longer know if itās a true memory. I constantly feel like sheās just out of reach.
My daughter was 19 when she died in February after a long struggle with her mental health. It hurts like hell to think that Iām never going to hug her again but Iām determined to get through this, for her. Every one is different but for us, she lives on as we talk about her all the time, we laugh at the stupid things she used to do as a kid, the dances she did with her sisters, we decorated the Christmas tree with some of the painted baubles she did last Christmas (and some were slightly hideous!) and we try to focus on the amazing 19 years we had with her rather than the years we donāt get with her.
Donāt get me wrong, I have horrendous days when I canāt even get out of bed, days when the tears wonāt stop, days when I am so angry at her, days when I am so angry at a mental health system which fails so many and days when I not really sure how I will ever be the same again. So I have to accept that I wonāt be and slowly try to live in the new ānormalā.
My energy is also going into the fight for justice for her. We have another inquest date in late February and then hoping to have a date set for the final inquest in late 2024. Whenever I feel weary, I just remember that my daughter would have wanted me to fight for her and the many other young adults like her. Soon after she died, we decided to fundraise for a well-known charity (not sure if I can mention names on here) and we continue to do what we can. After the inquest, I want to create some kind of lasting legacy for her, I just donāt know what yet.
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I hope you get the answers youāre looking for at the inquest. I understand your anger and the need to fight for your daughter and to continue in her name.
I donāt have any fight left in me now and nothing to fight for.
My daughter was poorly and this time last year we were fighting to get her treatment in the US. I feel like Iāve been fighting for so long and Iām battered and bruised. We lost our fight.
I am selfish in my grief.
I have no one to consider or put on a brave face for, thereās just me and my oldest daughter. So I decided there would be no Christmas, no tree, no presents, no dinner, no visitors. I didnāt ask my daughter how she felt. I am a terrible mother now. The child I was a good mother to left. So I grieve alone and resent the world and everyone in it.
I hope there will be a time when I can celebrate the life she had but at the moment all I can see is the loss, hers and mine.
I think setting up a charity is admirable,
to want to help others and stop the cycle of grief makes you a far better person than me. Please keep fighting and do good in your daughterās name.
Missher if only my son had let us fight for him, if he had told us he would have realised the NHS - CBT was completely wrong for him, in fact it made him worse he thought there was nothing a GP could do after that referral.
It is just over a year when my 34 year old shy 2 weeks of 35 took his life. I cry every day and miss him so much. I loved him so much. I donāt understand why he wouldnāt come stay with or let me take to the hospital. I wish i had followed him around until he agreed to get help. He was such a good person, worked hard, smart and handsome. He had lots of friends. He was out with his friends, he called to say they were trying to cheer him up. He said he would becoming over the next day. I told him his dad was making ribs and we could go to the driving range. That is the last time i talked to him. I wiish i could be with him.
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