It was my sons choice

I know what you mean , when I go into town I see some fellows sitting on the bus stop drinking cans of beer all seem healthy, my son never drank, never smoked or ate a lot of red meat and yet why ,there is no answer. This cancer is so bad, the trouble is there is so much research into primary,don’t get me wrong it is a good thing.But they do need more research into Metastasis otherwise what is the use of putting cancer into remission for it to come back later and kill. Pancreatic and gastric are ones of the worst.But childhood cancer is bad to as they have so much to live for.

@Pest I get where you’re coming from, my son never smoked or touched a drop of alcohol and he’s not here. I see other men his age living their lives and I hate that he’s not here anymore. I want him back, I’ve even offered to swap places with him, as stupid as it sounds but I want him to be living a great life not this. I feel empty of any joy at times, like I’m just biding time till I join him.

@MoBe it’s like Groundhog Day, we wake up and immediately think of our loss. It’s like the worst torture ever, punching us in the gut all day as something reminds us again. I’m then angry that the world is still going on, it’s stopped for me. I miss my beautiful boy, my constant laughter machine. I don’t care about myself anymore, just my two other sons. I must carry on for them as you must for your other daughter, we must grab the happiness we can find with them. I’ll never be the woman I was before we lost my son and there will always be a Thomas size hole in my heart.

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I understand what you’re saying because nothing changes the loss, no matter what happens in the day the loss remains the same but for me the days and emotions are so different.
Today I’m having another angry day.
Angry at my sister, angry at my daughter, angry at the world, angry at myself.
Angry at my sister because she’s pretend sad, angry at my daughter because she’s looking ahead, angry at the world because my baby isn’t in it, angry at myself because I’m still here.
I’m also very scared.
I’m scared because I know the anguish will follow the anger, so to me it’s not Groundhog Day, everyday is filled with a new sorrow, a new pain and a new loss.

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MoBe you are so often in my thoughts, thinking how you are feeling. I’ve been through the angry stages, angry with the world, angry with myself for being angry. It’s a vicious circle. Some days I don’t actually like myself let alone anyone else if I was honest. I just can’t deal with trivia matters as it seems to do my head in.
When we are experiencing the pain we feel no one actually understands unless it has happened to them.
Go with your feelings, it’s no good trying to block them out.
I escape by walking, swimming and just bought a treadmill.
Got my son’s mates coming over tonight, it will be nice, usually a few tears along the way.
I ask myself everyday….why, but will never have the answers.
Take it minute by minute if that’s what is right for you…no set path on this journey.
I e had to up my game since I lost my step son and support my partner…he won’t open up and talk about his feelings at the moment. Take care, big hug xx

I’m not at the angry stage yet, I try to be angry with the hospital nurses who didn’t take any notice when I said how my son was struggling to breathe, even though he was on a ventilator. That night he crashed and I believe that’s when he really died, not 4 days later when we let him go. He was brain dead and only kept alive by machines. But I can’t get angry as it won’t change anything, he’ll still be dead. I’ll never hear his voice or hear his excited voice when he tells me his news.

@MJG how did your evening go with your son’s friends?
I’m not ready to see my daughter’s friends yet but I’m sure I will at some point. I find talking about my daughter great at the time but that all comes crashing down in the hours and days following. It’s like all the goals I set myself, they always under deliver and reinforce the isolation I feel.
I think you just need to be patient with your partner, as you know and tell me often, minute by minute xx

@Lcc59 maybe you won’t feel the anger, I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not but, as I have said before, I like the anger, I think I’m a very angry person. I don’t hold anyone accountable for my daughter’s death, that would be too painful, if I thought it was someone’s fault. I am very angry at the system’s that were supposed to help her but didn’t and that we didn’t get the support she needed, I feel I am still being failed by those same systems.
But I am mostly, extremely fucking angry at the life she won’t live.
The nights out with her friends, the holidays with her boyfriend, the songs she has written but will never sing, the wedding she will never have, the children she will never mother, the list is as endless as my grief.
I can’t find joy in my other daughter, she is an adult, independent, she has a career, she had her own home, she has friends and plans, she has a life, I am a drain on her as she is on me.
Many people will think I am an awful person but many will also find some of what I say resonates with how they feel.
I am finding it harder to find reasons to live and that brings me comfort, just as I find comfort at the end of each day, knowing it’s another one down.
I think you are probably a much better person than me and you deserve to have comfort from your other sons. No one deserves the pain of losing a child xx

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Hi MoBe it was lovely evening with my sons friends over thank you, but I always feel sad after they go. I just think why is my son not here. They will be over again in the next few weeks. I don’t ever think the pain will go away, we just have to try and live alongside the pain.
Please do not ever think you are an awful person…you are a Mum who is grieving for her wonderful daughter. I can fully understand what you say about what there futures could of been, I often think about what my sons future may of been, but then I take a positive and think I had him for 35 wonderful years in my life but just wish it had been more.
Little steps, take care xx

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Glad that you had a good night, my son said he had no friends and that looks like it was true, not had any contact from anyone he was at Uni with.

Days just seem to get worse and worse im just sat sitting most days, my SSP runs out in January but i dont want to go back not sure what I will do.

Thank you. The mates that came over I have known for years and used to work with one of them. I am sure your son did have friends but it may be hard for them to contact you as they are grieving as well. I never knew until recently how much my sons friends were suffering, take care xx

I don’t see any of my daughters friends, I would like to say it’s because I don’t want to but the truth is they don’t contact me , no one does, not even my own brother.
As I have often said, this is a very lonely place to be. People don’t want our grief invading their lives, making them sad,
especially this time of year. I am finding it all very difficult.
I also think the financial strain bereavement causes is vastly underrated. I am recently separated with no job, I was my daughter’s carer. Now I have no income and no savings, we didn’t have life insurance for her , she was uninsurable. So by the time
I supplemented our living costs and paid for her funeral I have nothing left to live on, just single person universal credit, it doesn’t cover my bills never mind food.
I can’t work, how can I work when I can’t even get out of bed?
BUT I really don’t care, I don’t care if
I lose everything because I have already lost the most valuable thing in the world, I don’t have the energy to deal with life,
finances and bills. Nothing matters anymore.
Don’t go back to work or even think about it until you’re ready. Why make your life any worse than it already is? xx

It was one of his reasons he couldnt make a connection with anyone , he hadnt at all in Uni…he was so lonely, i wish i had known.

Yes financial is terrible, we didn’t have life insurance for my son, not something you think of for 21 year old.

Please think careful before returning back to work if you feel you are not ready but I fully understand the financial reasons.
Today my partner put up the outside lights, I stood crying, I can’t cope again, just keep crying at anything again.
I just keep asking myself the same question probably like you do …why…
I have exercised loads today and not even that has helped.
This time of year doesn’t help as everyone seems to think you should be happy….how can we be happy. Take care xx

I think our grief rotates, we’ll grieve for what we have lost, we’ll grieve for what our children have lost, we’ll focus on our pain or we’ll focus on their pain.
When I’m spiralling down thinking of her pain and what she has lost I am at my very worst. Thinking of your son isolated and lonely will be so painful. I wish I could offer you some advice on how to make things bearable but there is nothing that will bring your son back… and I know that’s the only thing that can make this better. I am here, going through the same emotions as you, my daughter was 21 and died shortly after your son, the circumstances are different but the loss is the same.

I think we will all be finding things extremely hard right now, the sense of loss is intense and completely overwhelming. I can’t do anything, no tree, no presents, no cards, nothing at all. We’re not having Christmas dinner, no guests, nothing. I’m desperately trying to find a MacDonalds that’s open on Christmas Day so we have somewhere to go.

My other daughter is older, if she’d been younger or it had been her that died not my youngest I may have done things differently. I don’t feel I have to pretend and put on a brave face, I can be sad and grieve.
I’m not able to do anything else.

MoBe I think you are so right that grief rotates, yesterday was a hard day, but today I’m just trying to plod along.
Try and think Christmas is just for one day and it will be minute by minute getting through it, but we will as that is what our kids would want us to do.
Hopefully you can find a McDonald’s open, we are just doing whatever we feel like…nothing.
I think back to last year when both our boys were over for dinner and Boxing Day, sending them back with all there goodies…just like kids, but then we would spend time worrying…are they drinking, taking drugs….none of those worries anymore but I would turn the clock back in a second if I could.
We can all do this and help each other xx

Thats the hard part so many memories , I loved being just the 4 of us, our little traditions every year. MoBe hopefully you will find a McD somewhere open. This time last year I would have already started the Baileys, freezer full of food with do not eat written on it, none of that this year, will we ever have a Christmas again?

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Memories that all we have, so sad for us all. I used to like it when we had lunch together, Boxing Day both boys would be with us, tucking into goodies and having nice time together. The pain i feel again is immense, I have just donated to a charity to help men which is money I would have spent on my son at Christmas. I actually feel numb again. Take care, minute by minute is all we can do xx

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I don’t think we will ever have Christmas again, I think you need a reason or purpose to continue, like if we had young children so you have to do it.
I can’t bear the thought of a Christmas without her, ever… so I’ll just never have one. I still don’t think that she’s gone, are you the same? I know she has but I still can’t think that this is my reality, I’m that woman that lost her daughter.
Do any of you still feel like your children are there with you?
The light bulb flickered for weeks in the bathroom and I was convinced it was her saying I’m here, now it’s gone completely and I’m heartbroken over a fucking light bulb!

Yep I still think my son is here and really struggle to think I will never see him again, hold him again. The pain is immense and yes I think is this what life is like. I try to turn the negativity to positivity if I can and think he is resting and no longer fighting his addiction. I would give anything like you would to have them back. This is all part of grieving I guess. I will be glad when Christmas has gone.
Take care xx

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Yes still think hes here, at Uni but now hes not home for Christmas. Think my brain can only cope if imagine him here, hes just not replying to my messages, cannot think more than day by day still.

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