It's to be expected, but..

I know, after the things that have been said on this site, that there are days when grief hits with sudden devastating impact.
Today is another of those days.
I went out shopping for a while then tried to keep myself busy using a new chainsaw just because, for some reason, I didn’t want to go indoors to an empty house.
There’s only so much wood you can chop up without disturbing neighbours though.
All to no avail today.
Just came in and burst into tears! All I wanted was to see him sitting on the sofa with a cup of coffee in hand as I wittered on.
I think of all those people in the supermarket that I passed who may well be in the same position but stay strong so they too can face the world so I know I shouldn’t be so pathetic.
Today is a bad day, a really bad day and I’m so sorry to bore you all but there’s noone I can talk to who would even understand.
Thank you for listening.

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My mum died 6 weeks ago. And my dad finds certain times of the day really difficult. For example he hates being at home between 5pm and 8pm. When he and mum would have dinner and settle down to Corrie. So he goes out he wanders aimlessly maybe finding a garden centre to sit and have a cup of tea in. Sometimes he might have dinner there. You won’t see him cry. He does that at home alone. But he feels the same as you. You are most certainly not alone. I live 250 miles from dad. He is staying with me this weekend. I worry about him so much. But he says “nothing you can do. I’m lonely and sad and no one can help but mum”. It’s heart breaking

Thank you for your reply Jooles 45
It has now been nine months since my husband died and all I can say is that it does get a little easier as time goes on.
It’s just that at times the grief is overwhelming all of a sudden with out any known trigger. Today was a very bad day.
It is so recent for your father, and it must be hard for you living so far away from him knowing how deeply he is grieving for your mother.
I have no advice as each person copes in their own way.
This site has helped me get through the last few months and I am so grateful to those who responded when I reached out.

It’s a long hard road isn’t it. I moved away a year ago. To give my children a better life. We lived near London and I no longer felt safe anymore with the knife crime. My daughter was badly bullied. So we moved to Cornwall. Mum and dad so happy for us and thinking of moving here. But now it’s just all changed and dad doesn’t want to leave the house he had with mum. Which I understand. I’m sure you will have days like that probably forever. As the saying goes. Grief is the price we pay for love

Hi, sorry you was having a bad day on Friday and that I’m a bit late replying. Computer crashed on Friday which caused me to have a frustrating day also trying to get the damn thing working again. Sent for my grandson and when he arrived today the thing came on alright and he couldn’t understand why I was having a problem. When things like this happen I think of it as Brian messing me about as he hated his things messed with and wouldn’t let me sort anything out, he had to do it, a man thing I think. Now I’m left with struggling.
Sorry but I did smile at the thought of you frantically cutting wood with your chainsaw.
Your not boring people as there’s not one of us that haven’t been in your shoes, we know exactly what it’s like. We just have to accept each day and hope that tomorrow will be a bit better. Like you I try to keep myself busy but any silly little thing will reduce me to a wreck when I used to be so confident and stress was my middle name. Now I hate it.
I do hope your feeling a bit better now.

Pat xxx

Hi Jooles, I can imagine how worried you are about your Dad being so far away from him. It’s a pity that you can’t get him to move nearer to you. Keep inviting him to your house, let him become familiar with your area and give him time and he might change his mind, it would be the answer.
Of course he has said exactly the right thing there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to take away the loneliness and sadness we have to learn to live with it.
You moved to a lovely area for all the right reasons and your parent were considering this, so perhaps when the time is right you can remind your Dad they might have moved near to you also.
My heart goes out to your Dad.

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We don’t stay strong, we look and act fine on the outside, most of the time, but inside we are frequently a mess. I am anyway. I miss my soulmate more with each passing day.
I’m doing all the right things but sometimes they aren’t enough. I attend church, went to the barn dance the other week. I’ve joined a bereavement social group and last week joined a choir. All activities to socialize and meet new people.
I feel good when I am participating but frequently very low when I leave. I feel guilty about enjoying myself without my sweetheart.

Sorry hit send by accident. It was until recently I realised I couldn’t handle it by myself, even with the activities. Your GP is there to help, medications if you feel you need them or referral to local counselling organisations. If you need to talk, it’s frequently easier to talk and cry with complete strangers, there are crisis lines. I’ve used them, a chat with a friendly voice at the other end of the phone can work wonders. Last week I started taking antidepressants, it was a path I didn’t want to take but I felt like I was being sucked in to a black hole.
None of us know the answers or what’s right for someone else, but don’t make my mistake of thinking I could do it alone. Reach out and ask for help. Losing a partner is devastating, the hardest thing we’ll ever face. Strength comes in realisation we are weak and need help from others, please don’t try to handle it alone.
Prayers and best wishes, Carl.

I decided I would not go down the route of anti depressants, helpful though they can be to many.
Today finally felt right at last to attempt a cycle ride to lift my mood and even admire the changing colours. Rarely have I cycled but fortunately I live in a rural area, however with a car behind me and approaching a junction I forgot one foot had to be on the floor when stopping. I keeled over sideways onto a wide grass verge with a passenger calling are you ok which was met with my thumbs up!
My dignity was hurt but not me!
Decided the bike went back in the garage and a walk along the beach was a safer option.
This allowed me to scream at the stormy waves about the injustice of the grim reaper and my incompetence at coping.
However as in the film “tomorrow is another day”.

It isn’t incompetence not to cope, you’re hurting and your emotions are like the waves and tides, peaks and troughs, highs and lows. I too walk along the seafront most days, even when the sea is rough the motion and sound is calming.
I felt the same way about antidepressants, but I didn’t see any other choice in the end, my mood was becoming so dark I was unable to function properly. The effects so far have only been to increase my sleep time from three hours a night to six but even that extra rest improves the way I feel. Next week I’m starting one on one counselling with a therapist.
I’ve always been strong willed and independent so it isn’t easy asking for help, the one friend, confidant and lover I had in the world is no longer with me, I’m heartbroken and devastated.
We must all make our own decisions but it’s important not to rule anything out that may help, just take things one day at a time and see how it’s working out.
I have pretty negative feelings about counselling, they can’t bring her back and whatever discussion there may be I’ll still be alone, I am going to give it a go because I cannot go on feeling the way I do if I want to survive. The one thing keeping me going is I know my sweetheart doesn’t want me to be miserable, she lives on in my heart and watches over me from heaven.
I’m trying to get better for her not me. I know that won’t sound stupid to you or anyone else on this forum, we go on for them because we know it’s what they want.
Prayers and best wishes, Carl.

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Sorry I have just read your message. I hope one day dad will do it. As you say get him familiar with the area. I’m going to start introducing him to our friends and neighbours and maybe one day he will make the move. He just wants to be in the house he had with mum for now which I completely understand. He visited this weekend. He had the best nights sleep he has had for weeks as he does not sleep well at his house. He says it’s so quiet and empty and he goes to bed and his heart sinks as he walks up the stairs alone. I am in so much pain losing my mum. But to lose your soulmate just doesn’t bare thinking about. I’ve told my husband I hope I go first. We are only 45 so hopefully a long way off. But to be the one left behind is just cruel isn’t it. My heart goes out to all those who have lost their beloved partners.

Hi carl1955
I don’t judge anyone for taking antidepressants or any other form of therapy if it gets someone through this most horrendous time in their life.
At the moment it’s just not for me.
I am fortunate in that should I need to talk to relieve the pressure my dear sister just happens to be a trained counsellor.
Not long after the death of my husband she sat with me and let me talk for about four hours just to get things out of my system.
The initial guilt, the blame, the anger and distress.
Now when there are really bad days walking by the sea I find, in the end, calming even if I do rant and rave initially.
Will get through it day by day just as you will I’m sure.
Best wishes.

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I actually rang the Samaritans the other day and talked for an hour. I felt so much better afterwards. I love the walks on the beach too

I totally understand how you feel. I lost my darling hubby Martin in April 2018 and I had very bad weekend just gone. I could not stop crying I was so low and i was in the garden trying to avoid it but eventually i came in and just burst in to tears again. I eventually shared it with my siblings via text and my eldest brother called me to talk. We talked but he said how useless he felt because there is no way he can understand how i feel and he is right. He comforted me and that was nice but as soon as he went off the phone, the tears came again. I saw my grief counselor yesterday which does help. He told me to be more compassionate with myself he explained it so well. He said you need to cry it relieves the stress that grief brings, dont try to stop it. You cannot stop loving your hubby and he is always going to be with you in your heart, but this is tough and rubbish and normal to feel so rubbish. He sees that i have come along way since i started with him in October last year and he assures me that what we feel is normal and I am just being too hard on myself. So he has guided me once again and he always makes sense of what I am feeling, it really helps. So if you can get help like this take it everyone. The pain will never really go away we just learn to move forward - not move on!!! My soul mate i hope will be waiting for me wherever that is?? I would give anything to hear his voice, see his smile and feel his arms around me, but sadly that is not possible…i miss him so much

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I lost my husband last November to cancer. We were together 45 years. I am also lost and lonely. I try hard every day to get up and motivate myself but I’m struggling so much now. The thought that my life will never be the same again is really frightening. I am lucky I have my family but it’s living on my own that has been so hard. This community really helps you to know that all these feelings are normal after what we have all been through. Best wishes to you all x

Hello, I’m with you, I don’t want to go down the road of anti depressants. I can’t see the point. We are not depressed we are grieving. There’s no quick fix, no magic pill, I want to feel all the emotions and hopefully come through them one by one. My therapy is also walking on the beach, I cry as I stare out at the waves, I call out Brian’s name and ask him where he is. Perhaps he’s a cloud in the sky or a seagull flying overhead. Just before he died he told me he would meet me on the seafront, I’m not sure where though as we are surrounded by sea, I walk for miles in the countryside and love nature. My allotment also is a big help and the people I talk to there. My dogs give me a reason to get up and go out and while doing this I talk to people.
I was talking to a GP (not visiting) last week and she said it is very hard for them when someone who is grieving visits because all they can offer is medication and that isn’t really the answer. I tried counselling and the lady was very nice but didn’t really offer anything that I didn’t already know but it was nice to just be able to talk about my husband for an hour. It’s finished now and unfortunately it hasn’t solved anything. We just have to do what we feel is right for us, everyone is coping in their own way. It’s a road we have to walk down and no idea where it leads to. So step by step, treading carefully in case we trip and fall, which does seem to happen quite often but we pick ourselves up and start that walk again.

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My husband keeps on saying I need counselling. But I honestly don’t think I need it. I’m just grieving. If down the line I’m not moving on I will consider it. But it’s early days for me. And I am working my own way through it some days I have intense guilt. Other days just sadness. Other days I remember and cry. Sometimes I’m angry. But I really don’t think I need a counsellor. Although I did ring the Samaritans the other day. I just wanted to talk. I wanted to go over everything that had happened in the hospital. And sons guilt I had. Afterward I felt much better. I might do it again one day when my head feels like another release

Some guilt. Not sons guilt *

Hi Jools. Everything you are going through is to be expected as we are all finding out. I went to a counsellor because we are lost and don’t know what will help us, so I felt, give it a go. The lady said that I was obviously a person that didn’t like to show a weakness, she’s right there, so I am doing what most of us do and covering up my pain, and seeming fine to the outside world. Opening up on this forum has become much easier for me. We are all on this journey together and it’s interesting to see how other people cope.

Hi Pattidot
You do make me smile with your posts.
On the seafront was perhaps a little vague.
My partner was once asked not to move from one spot until I returned in a few minutes. Just a few minutes later he was nowhere to be seen. He had decided to move to stand on a small bridge “so I could see him more easily”.
I could have seen him more easily if he had stayed where he was supposed to be!
How I wish he were here to wander off on his own now.
It’s good sometimes to remember those moments and look back with a smile.
One thing that surprised me was that having a lovely photograph in full sight wasn’t helping.
Each time I looked at it I wanted to cry, in time when I am stronger it will go back in pride of place but until then no.
So no antidepressants, no counselling, no photographs but lots of beach walks, gardening and time.

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