Pattidot. Sorry I hope I didn’t come across as dismissive of counselling. I have had counselling before for depression and anxiety. And right now I know I’m not either. I’m just grief stricken. But if I need it down the line I will be right on the phone to my old counsellor and everyone is so different. This forum is brilliant. And a lovely lady on here got my head straight over some guilt I was carrying. It’s such a blessing and a relief to talk to whoever it maybe that can help you. And we need to do what’s right for each of us. I am actually on antidepressants from when I had depression after my son 12 years ago. I can’t get off them. As I suffer with panic attack’s. And I think they are probably helping me more than I realise at the moment.
Grief and bereavement are classed as situational depression rather than clinical. Depending on how your loved one passed there could also be an element of PTSD. In my case I keep picturing in my head how my soulmate went from a strong, independent, gorgeous 60 year old woman to a physical wreck and dying in intensive care a month after her 61st birthday. That’s pretty traumatic. She was my only friend, my lover and confidant.
We were never legally married and I lived with her illegally in America, when she died I literally lost everything. I’m back in England staying with my elderly parents.
I really didn’t want to take pills, I refused them when they were first offered.
It wasn’t even my own situation making me depressed, I felt guilt that I maybe missed things I could have done to save her and I just felt so bad for her. She worked hard as a nurse caring for others, she saved for a good retirement but never got to enjoy it.
When her heart stopped beating I felt a jolt go up my arm as part of her joined me. I walked out of her hospital room subconsciously holding her hand, I know she continues to live in me. I’ve had many signs and spiritual messages she is watching over me.
In spite of the knowledge she is with me my mood was getting darker, I wanted to be with her again in heaven. I was having suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, although I was almost certain I wouldn’t act on them I felt scared that I could in a moment of uncertainty.
I’m not suggesting anyone else should do anything that doesn’t feel right to them. I thought I was doing OK until a month or so ago. Our emotions can become overwhelming, all I’m saying is don’t rule anything out, never be afraid to ask for help, it’s not weakness or failure.
Prayers and good thoughts, Carl.
Carl I also get flashbacks. My mum was fit and healthy then she started to get back
Ache. She had xrays which came back clear. Then she developed a cough and collapsed. She had lung cancer that had metastasised two days after her diagnosis she
Died. My main flashbacks are from the
Consultant telling her she was dying. When she thought and had been told she had a chest infection to watching her sheer panic and anxiety when being told actually she had terminal cancer with just days left. . She was so poorly that week In hospital. I knew deep down it was more than a chest infection. But she honestly thought it was just a bacterial infection which is what she was told from the beginning. She died two days later after being told she was dying. She wanted out so she went. The whole week was traumatic. I never want to see that fear in someone’s eyes ever again
If only we could convince our brains to only show the good times we shared with our loved ones Jooles, sadly it doesn’t work that way, the bad appears when you least expect it. It can be triggered by seemingly unconnected words from someone else, TV shows, the sermon in church or songs.
We know in our hearts they want us to be happy but our brains don’t synchronise.
Sharing thoughts and feelings here helps us to know we aren’t alone, we may deal with the grief differently but someone else may recognise themselves in a post and draw comfort or ideas for healing from our words.
Take care, Carl.
On the subject of “Happy Pills”, I swore that I wouldn’t take them, I wanted to work through my grief by myself. I thought I was strong enough to do it.
Then, one night, I found myself [edited by admin]. If my sister hadn’t come in right at that moment, I wouldn’t be here now. I knew, at that moment, that I needed more help than my family could give me and started counselling. They’ve put me on Happy Pills and, I have to say, it’s started to even me out a little and they even allow me to get a couple of hours sleep a night without the nightmares and terrors which is a luxury I haven’t had for over 2 years.
They’re not for everyone, and I wish I didn’t need them, but sometimes, they’re the better option.
Hi there Carl, what has happened to you must be so hard and you never cease to amaze me. To lose someone that means so much to you in such a traumatic way is bad enough but to lose everything else just seems so unfair. You have shown a strength in keeping your faith.
I can also certainly relate to your words in watching your soulmate go from a strong, proud person to become weak and so ill that everything has to be done for them. Thankfully it was me caring for Brian. He wanted to stay at home and I wanted to care for him and when I asked god to give me the strength to do this he gave it to me.
I too watched Brian just deteriorate in front of my eyes and it does make you feel so useless and traumatised and wondering afterwards if there was something you missed, could you have done more, did you show them how much you loved them and did they know in those final hours how much they meant to you. The list can go on and on. We beat ourselves up.
For me pills was never an option, I dislike the thought intensely and can’t see that they can help. This subject was brought up in the papers and news a couple of weeks ago as these tablets should only be used for a few days as they can become difficult to get off them again. The dangers of them was being highlighted. One person stating how dangerous they can be was a NHS psychiatrist who was given them and now can’t get off them.himself. But that is only how I feel and other people may find that they can help and be prepared to take that risk.
Your so right when you say our emotions can become so overwhelming never in my wildest dreams did I think I would become the person I am now. I have completely lost myself.
I too know that Brian is with me and my mood can change drastically when I have a visitation, I go almost on a high the next day then I slump back even further, we can all relate to that feeling though.
My therapy and medication is my walking in the countryside with my lovely dogs. I can physically feel my mood lift for a while. My gardening at home and the allotment is also a big help. I work hard and it makes me tired but the sense of achievement when I look at the gardens and pick my produce is helping. It’s being acknowledged that gardening and walking is very therapeutic and helps people in all sorts of situations. Community gardens are starting up in many towns so might be worth looking into. I am already (slowly) attempting to get our local council interested in the idea.
Take care
Pat xx
No Jules of course you didn’t seem dismissive about counselling. I have had it myself with Cruse and go to a bereavement group but apart from a pleasant hour it hasn’t really solved any problems for me. But I’m sure would help others. I was told I was a strong person that didn’t like to show weakness and that is right.
My dislike is medication and your right we are not depressed we are suffering from grief, which I suppose can be very similar. We all know what will cure us in a minute but it’s not going to happen, our loved ones are not going to walk through the door at any moment. As you have said you can’t get off them. This was highlighted in the news and media a few weeks ago. Some people, might find them a help but others are suffering as a result of taking them. Apparently they should only be prescribed for a few days.
I agree it is a blessing to be able to ‘talk’ to others about our emotions and how we feel. Sometimes we can help others and then at times we need help ourselves. So many different people from all walks of life but all sharing the same thing. GRIEF. We understand and can express our feeling when there is no one else. Friends and family expect us to be over the worst when really were struggling as much as ever and having to hold it all in, which can’t be good for us.
I do hope your anxiety attacks will become a thing of the past eventually. I have suffered since losing Brian and it’s usually in a supermarket or similar as I don’t like people surrounding me anymore and hate going into town now. I breath deeply and try to stay calm and find myself talking to Brian and asking him to help me.
God bless
Pat xxx
When I started the antidepressant 12 years ago I was very unwell so I grabbed them With both hands and prayed for relief from the awful post natal psychosis I was in. And they certainly worked and I was so unwell they seemed the only way out of my illness. Unfortunately you feel so ill you take the medication. Then you get better and you can’t get off them. It’s a viscous circle . As another lady said. I’m not sure I would still be here if it weren’t for the tablets. But I wish I could come off them now so I sit on the fence about them.
But I do absolutely believe the best medicine is talking . And exercise. I hope one day I can come off the tablets as they can make me feel numb and foggy. But it’s been 12 years so I don’t hold out much hope. Having said that. I can cope with foggy and numb compared to the hell I was in when I first took them.
Hi there, yes I agree with no antidepressants, tried the counselling, but I do find the photographs a comfort. Brian was a photographer and never without a camera on him. I managed to get some good photo’s of him and I have them all over the house. I talk to him and can feel him watching me. I have a moan at him from time to time about leaving me in this state. I can understand how you feel though as I have CD’s and cassettes of Brian when he was in the Band and this really cracks me up. I put them on and then have a complete meltdown. So why do I put myself through this. I just don’t want him put up the back of the cupboard. He deserves to be heard. Today was one of those days. I put a poor quality cassette on but I could hear him clearly. He was in a pub and at the end of each song the people clap and Brian talks. I put him on loud, don’t know what the neighbours must have thought and I danced and sang along with him, I even clapped. Of course I cried. I went into another room and left him singing it was so good to know he was in the other room, but just to hear him makes me so sad. Belting out those numbers and now he’s gone, where have those years gone to, it seemed like only yesterday. When I met him I had no idea he was a singer in a band, we was only friends but when I saw him on stage, much to my surprise as he was such a quiet man, I fell in love instantly and got my man.
I smiled at you misplacing your husband in our case it was me that Brian kept losing, I was always wondering off and he was always telling me off for disappearing. He would get so annoyed.
Yes my walks are also my therapy and medication I live a short walk from the seafront and as Brian was born just around the corner I wonder if he meant the seafront in this town or of course there are many others very near. Gardening also my saviour. It occupies a lot of my time both at home and on the allotment. I have both mine and Brian’s plot to look after and can feel him with me, watching me and making sure I’m keeping his plot up to the same standard he did. No pressure!!!
Raining here all day so not much done. We got soaked this morning on the dog walk and they have put themselves to bed since.
Pat xxx
Jooles what you went through sounds horrific, no wonder you grabbed at the medication. Desperation makes us need anything that can help us.
Please do have hope that you can one day get off these tablets. I have know people in the same situation as you and they have managed it with medical help. Ironic isn’t it that the people that put you on this medication then have to get you off it. Have you asked for assistance and if your really determined them give it a go.
I worked in the NHS years ago (not general) but had to give out these tablets and similar that I knew nothing about at the time but soon realised how dangerous they could become.
Yes, exercise is definitely helpful. Walking and gardening have also proven to be therapeutic and some GP’s/consultants are acknowledging this now.
Best of luck to you and keep in touch. You can always have a ‘talk’ on the forum. We all understand.
Pat xx
Hi,
I don’t know why I cannot look at my love’s photo.
It’s a lovely photo and I can remember taking it as though it was yesterday.
I even put away a lovely one of him with my son playing on the beach. Just can’t bear to look at them.
Given time I’m sure they will be on display once more, but at the moment they just seem to open wounds not give comfort.
A while ago I would talk to them as though he could hear me, I’m not trying to blank him out of my life, far from it, but just think I need time…
Until then it’s gardening and lonely beach walks until I come to some sort of terms with living without him.
It’s difficult, so very difficult.
Love to you all struggling out there.
Take your time with the photo’s. Some things are just too much to bear at the moment. We react to situations without really understanding why. With me it’s listening to his voice yet I know I’m lucky being able to hear him.
The other day I was messing about with the computer, his computer, and I came across some video’s. He was talking in the background and I totally freaked out and was frantically trying to turn the thing off. So what was that all about. Like you I’m just not ready to listen to him. With his music I don’t want to put him at the back of the cupboard but it’s so hard.
We have no idea how situations are going to affect us we just have to get through each day as best we can.
Good way of putting our situation. We are trying to come to terms with living without them. It is difficult and I for one never dreamt just how hard it would be.
So like you it’s lonely walks and mass gardening.
Love Pat xxx
Dear Carl, you said exactly what i feel! I do all the right things also but inside it is so lonely - I think we will just get used to this. Like you I go out, I work part time, I see people but …
I went to a homeopath, may sleep was very disturbed and whatever drops she gave me it has helped me - in the past week I slept around 6 hours every night while before it was around 4 hours .
Take care
Sadie x
I know it won’t sound daft to people on here Sadie, but I believe my sweet Rhonda lives on as part of me, she is making me do the things I’m doing, she is trying to make me stronger, but I still miss her physical presence. It doesn’t help my brain adjust to her absence when I’m alone, activities take my mind away from it.
I’m doing things I would never have done before, singing in a choir and other things I would have been too reserved to have attempted. Yesterday I went to a writer’s group and read aloud a couple of paragraphs I wrote as an exercise. The thought of reading anything, let alone something I wrote to an audience would have induced fear in me a year ago.
I still feel worse for Rhonda than I do myself, I still see the images of her last days in my head, I cant stop them and I’m not sure I even want to. She fought so hard to stay with me. On her last day in her body I told her she needed to do what was right for her, I would be OK, if it was time to rest she should do it. I will swear I saw her try to smile around the ventilator tube. I’m currently reading a book about experiments which prove even patients in vegetative states can hear and interpret what is being said. I know she heard and understood me in spite of medication and sedation.
That same day I popped out to get lunch and she had tried to leave without me being there, the doctors kept her going. They asked me if I thought it was time to stop the medications keeping her heart beating, I agreed and made sure the rest of the family who wanted to be there could. Two hours or so later she passed with me holding her hand, talking to her and stroking her forehead. The instant the telemetry showed her heart stop I felt a jolt go up my arm as if a part of her was joining me.
I believe she lives on in me and wants to experience the things she guides me to do. Her soul watches over me from heaven and she lives on in my heart.
I sometimes doubt my sanity with these thoughts, but reading comments from other people tells me I’m not alone in the way I feel or think. I’m grateful this forum gives me a chance to express them and share with others, it eases the pain.
Prayers and good thoughts, Carl.
Bless you thank you Pattidot. I’m going to wait til my children are a bit older where I can come off the tablets book time off work and literally spend the time weaning off them without having to worry about getting children to school going to school clubs etc. Few more years and I’ll try. Thank you for your kind words
Carl beautiful words. X
Carl like you I have become ‘braver’ (damn thing keeps trying to type beaver) I now drive a big automatic land rover I’m short so even getting in can be a challenge used to drive a shift, I have driven to places (in two minds about sat nav) ususally hubby did the driving if we were together, I have built things dealt with things for the first time and yes I feel like he is with me guiding my thoughts and my hands. I lift weights and the sense of calm it brings is so helpful, in fact I talk to hubby when I’m doing it as I imagine him saying come on you can do thus. In the beginning I was offered tablet I declined although I did take one sleeping tablet, I lost three days one day sleeping two more being out of it, truth the lack of control scared me so much. People have to do what they need to do to help their individual situation, unless you have walked in someone’s shoes you have no right to judge, that’s the approach I take. X
I agree Silverlady, we have to do what feels right to us, even though we are all sharing similar pain we are unique. I didn’t initially want to take pills but I couldn’t get out of a dark place in spite of my faith and beliefs. At the six month anniversary I couldn’t stop crying, it would only have taken a split second of unconscious thought to have ended the grief once and for all. I know she would never have forgiven me for that so I sought chemical help. I need her to be waiting to greet me when it’s my time. I’ve not been taking them long enough to lift the depression but they are helping me sleep, that in itself is beneficial.
All I’m doing is posting what works for me, my thoughts and feelings in the hope others benefit, plus putting them down is a kind of self help therapy.
Take care, Carl.
Carl truth amongst strangers for the first six weeks after hubby died all I wanted was to be with him, my children and my grandchild were the only things that kept me here, the depth of their pain and the utter mess financially that they would have to deal with was the only thing that stopped me from doing something silly, plus my hubby fought so hard for his life it would have been an insult to him , boy would he have given me sh*t! The dark place no longer calls me , the future without him scares me silly but I am moving forward slowly , some things will never change, some things will. I have my husbands ashes and our two dogs, if I find the strength and right place/time I will spread them but for now it gives me comfort to keep him close. Luckily I am one of those people who doesn’t give a monkey about other people’s views on what’s right for me, my hubby taught me my self worth and I make up my own mind aka stubborn lol