Hi, my husband passed away 2 days ago. He had covid, was on a ventilator 5 weeks and I thought he was getting better until I received a phone call at 11am Thursday asking me to go in because he wasn’t getting better. He took his final breath with me holding his hand. We have three children 7,8 & 10 they are coping better than me. I miss him so much we had never spent more than 1 night apart before he was taken into hospital. I have support but he was always my rock, he gave me my confidence and we did everything together I feel so alone. I don’t know how I’m going to go on without him.
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Hello
So sorry for your loss it so heartbreaking
My husband Andy passed December the 5th due to covid
He was on ventilator 12 days
Andy was my rock i struggle everyday
Please take care xx
Dear Pagen89mummy
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. This is very early days and you will still be in shock. Please just take one day at a time and call upon those you have around you to help in whatever way possible.
I can only send love and hugs to you and your children. There is support from others on this site and I am sure that Sue Ryder volunteers will be in touch to tell you what support they can offer. Also do not hesitate to speak to your GP for support for both you and your children.
Take care and thinking of you and your family.
Sheila
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You need to focus on the fact that you were there. You held him and i would imagine there were lots of I love yous spoken.
I was in the same boat Sunday. I had to let my Soulmate go. She was my best friend in the world.
I feel bring there and hugging her as she passed was a total honour to her life.
I cry every day and every night. Its natural and very normal.
You take care of yourself. Learn 1 thing, if you need help then you shout HELP. We cant do this alone.
X
Daz
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Pagen89mummy , like you my husband was on a ventilator for 4 weeks and I held his hand as he died 6 weeks ago. I was and still am in total shock.
Those 4 weeks were hell on earth and like a rollercoaster.
One day I believed he would pull through and the next they gave me no hope.
The hardest part was not being able to see or be with him. I didn’t get the chance to speak to him before he was ventilated as in their words he was not responsive.
If I’d known the night the ambulance men took him to hospital he wasn’t coming back, I would have hugged him tighter and not let him go. Stupid I know but it never entered my head how bad he was. We had a Sunday roastie 6 hours before!
I am consumed with what ifs, why didn’t I tell him more I loved him, why did I make nasty comments when he annoyed me!
It is getting a little better 6 weeks in. I still cry uncontrollably but I try to tell myself I know he loved me unconditionally. He wouldn’t have coped either if I had died first.
The only advice I can give is cry when you want to, talk to him when you need to and do whatever helps you personally.
If you didn’t suffer this overwhelming grief then there was no love.
Poem that helps me understand a little better what I’m going through.
Grief never ends, but it changes.
It’s a passage, not a place to stay.
Grief is not a weakness, nor a lack of faith.
It is the price of love.
Sending you and your children love and the strength to heal.xx
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Hi everyone
Just wanted to share something that has helped me a little.
I have taken some of my husbands favourite clothes, shirts, jackets etc and had them made into memory bears and cushions.
A friend told me about this and said it might help to have a memory of him on my bed as a teddy instead of hidden in his wardrobe.
I had a bear made and a cushion for my grandson as well ,they were very very close.
Just thought that for those of you with young children it might help them.
Sending hugs to all of us grieving.
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Hi pagemummy, sorry for your loss. Extremely difficult when you are grieving and dealing with your little ones grief too. My husbsnd also died of covid 9 weeks ago. Thinking of you. X
I was the same I wish I’d had a chance to kiss him and tell him how much I loved him before the ambulance crew took him. Because his oxygen levels were so low they rushed him away before I had chance.
I only got to visit him in hospital 4 times in 5 and a half weeks the fourth was to say goodbye. The hospital have lost his jumper he was wearing I wish I had it. My heart aches for him and I miss him so much. I can’t believe I won’t ever talk to him or snuggle up to him again. I’m so lost without him. X
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When they took my wife to the ambulance something really wierd inside said she wasnt coming home so i kissed her on the forehead and hugged her for a split second & said I love you.
I was lucky to see her 3 times in ICU and hold her tight at the end.
I cant imagine the hurt for the people who dont get that. The hospital knit these silly little hearts for ICU, i put ours between us as we hugged and she passed.
I know its stupid but i framed it. It was between our hearts and contains the spirit of our love.
I feel so lucky, to not be there must be heartbreaking.
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Hello Pagen89mummy.
I am so sorry to hear of your very recent loss, but I am so pleased you have reached out on here.
As you can see already our lovely members, who are also dealing with their own grief, will, and are responding to you. They will offer support, by sharing their own stories of coping.
If ever you feel you are in need of a little extra support, please know we, Sue Ryder are here for you. We offer an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling.
Cruse is another source of bereavement counselling, they offer a helpline, email support, and counselling and support groups through their local services: 0808 808 1677, helpline@cruse.org.uk, http://www.cruse.org.uk/bereavement-service.
Please continue to post Pagen89mummy, we are listening.
Take care,
Audrey,
Online Community Team
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My heart is sore for you & you must be lonely, frightened and still in shock. I can hide away, I have no kids, but you must find your strength for your children. Your husband would be asking, pleading with you to look after your lovely children. Tell the kids you all will help, support & love each other & get through this together. In those kids, you still have half of him, cherish that always.
I am now 14 weeks without my soul mate, you are still at the very beginning. I wish you strength to get through this, to reach some kind of , if not normal, routine. The kids will need it, it may just keep you sane. I am thinking of you xx
beautiful words tomtom. If you didn’t suffer this overwhelming grief then there was no love…
My heart goes out to you. To have loved someone & be loved so much is such a wonderful thing.
Reading your message is exactly what happened to me .
My partner was taken in the ambulance on the Friday morning and I was convinced he would be home the next day.
When I got the call to say they we’re putting him in an induced coma,I was devastated but thought he would pull through.
How naive,three weeks later he passed away.
I didn’t say goodbye.
I fortunately was able to hold his hand at the end and for that I’m grateful.
It haunts me every day how scared he must of been going through it all alone xx
I feel your heartache 
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Paula71 my heart goes out to you. I know that hearing we are not alone in our grief should help us but in a way it’s upsetting to know there are people sadly experiencing such overwhelming pain.
Thoughts go through my head daily, how scared my Tom would have been ,as he was such a baby with illness!
4 days before he had to go in and was given oxygen as his breathing wasn’t good. He suffered from asthma. He came home the next morning and said he felt so much better. Then on New Year’s Day he went in again. Naively, like you ,I expected him to come home the next day as he had before.
I didn’t give him a kiss or hug as they also took him out so quickly. I got to speak to him on the phone and he said he was struggling for breath so I told him to stop talking and put his oxygen mask back on.
If only I’d known it would be the last time I spoke to him I would have said just listen and then told him what he meant to me. 6am next morning they said he’d deteriorated and was being ventilated.
I asked to speak to him before they did it, as I realised he’d be put into a coma, but they said he wasn’t responsive!
The following weeks were hell on earth. Then the phone call came on 27th January. I was so shocked and I had an hours drive as early on they had moved him to Devon and Exeter hospital. I don’t know how fast I drove, all the time saying out loud hang on darling I’m coming.
With all the PPE I had to wear and head masks and face shields I couldn’t kiss him, just hold his hand and stroke his forehead. 20 minutes later as they turned the machines down he left me.
I try to believe he knew I was there. I talk to him everyday. Some days I can hold it together then ,like yesterday , I have a total meltdown!
We have to believe this pain will get better but I don’t think it will ever completely go away.
I hope your pain and all those what if questions ,rolling around your head , fade with time.
I don’t know your situation, do you have children etc, but please ,if you’d like to, keep in touch.
I had 30 years with my soul mate and am trying to remember the good times but god it’s hard!
Sending you virtual hugs.
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Hi Maigret
You say you are 14 weeks into losing your soul mate and I need to know ,is it getting any better?
I guess I am just looking for reassurance that I’m going to get through this hell on earth, eventually.
Yesterday was a complete meltdown day for me and until then thought I was coping better.
If only, we could have answers. Ridiculous, I know, but feeling so lost and lonely today.
I am sorry that you are experiencing this grief and have lost someone. My heart goes out to everyone suffering as I am.
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I am so sorry for your heartbreak. Meltdowns are a daily occurring way of life for me, the smallest thing triggers it. During the worst of those meltdowns, I have bargained, begged, pleaded and been angry with my Vince. I simply have no reason to be here any more but am tied to this hell as I must be here for our family. It was our job as a couple to look after the kids, its my job even though I am on my own now, a,though I did not birth them they were ours, he was the undisputed Dad of the family. What a great job he done.
It slowly changes, we becomes I, and letters keep arriving to set a daily reminder of your lone status.
Last night as usual, I fell asleep Sleep crying & woke up crying…
You can say what you want here, I’ve already said I don’t want to go on without my best friend, my love, my funny, handsome, kind & caring guy. He used to tell me he was a good man & we would laugh & say 'you don’t decide , we decide ’ He wasn’t just good, he was an amazing man.
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Maigret, such a sad story. I felt like you to that i didnt want to go on without my husband. It will get better and you will have bad days. Keep strong for your family. The grief of losing one parent is hard enough but if they lost you to it would be horrendous for them. We have to carry on and try to live the rest of our lives the best we can. Keep talking and letting yoyr feelings out. We all understand on here. We are all suffering and can talk you through it. God bless
Oh Maigret that’s exactly how I feel , I don’t want to go on without him. In my darkest hours I think if I just didn’t wake up it would be a release from this hell.
I wouldn’t do anything stupid but I am no longer afraid of dying.
Like you I have to go on ,I have a beautiful grandson of 18 that my husband and I have basically been mother and father to.
He was devastated to lose his grandad and in his words said he’s lost his best friend, father and grandad all in one go.
If it wasn’t for him I think I would just curl up and wait for death…
You have your children and I have my grandson .
We don’t want them to go through the pain we are experiencing and so we keep going for them.
I just hope that one day we will be able to feel happy that we kept going to see them grow into happy compassionate human beings.
Xxx
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My partner passed away the same day💔
I do have family that live nearby and are in my bubble .
My partner had two children and they live next door.
We have been a great comfort to one another in this sad time.
However it doesn’t stop me from feeling so lonely.
My future plans and the social life we had together isn’t going to happen in the months to come x
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What I wouldn’t give to be able to have one last conversation with him, to tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. He is my soul mate, my best friend and my everything. I can’t imagine my future without him in my life or how I’m going to be both mum and dad for our children. I feel