I'v lost my soul mate


I agree the loneliness is the worst.
Even with the support of family and friends it doesn’t ease the emptiness I’m feeling.

I sit here crying and think this is my life now, meals alone and no one to talk to at night about the days events. No planning what we are going to do for the day or where we plan to visit when lockdown is up.
We used to take the dogs to the beach and have a coffee but I can’t face that walk alone now.!

Everything just reminds me of my Tom.

Today is a meltdown day and awoke at 5am crying and couldn’t bear to lay in bed alone so I’m up and looking for answers on here!

I’ve lost my parents and a brother but the grief was nothing compared to this.

Just hoping I can get through this as some days I don’t think I can go on.

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The loneliness seems never ending, we get up alone, go through the day, come home alone, spend the evening alone and go to bed alone. I’m not sure the answers are on here, but there are people who are thinking and feeling exactly the same as you are alone

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I’ve been awake since 5 this morning and my first thoughts are about him.
It’s constant x

I try to tell myself I should be grateful I have a home, have had 30 years of love and many amazing memories.
That there are people out there who are far less fortunate than me. But do you know what, it
doesn’t help one bit!
Guess I’m just going through the angry self pity stage and that’s not the real me.

This grief seems to have changed me beyond recognition and I’m no longer the person with a wicked sense of humour or can do attitude.

I know he wouldn’t want me to change but I can’t help it at the moment. I just need his hugs and annoying habits that I moaned about all the time!

If,if,if .


It bloody sucks doesn’t it!!
It’s like trying to get away from something and never succeeding.
Can’t lay in bed, can’t sit in the kitchen can’t go anywhere to escape the thoughts in our heads.

There has to be more than this to our lives.
Sorry it’s a meltdown day and I so need to sleep for more than 3 hours!

Tiredness makes everything seem worse but I’m not a tablet taker, so don’t know how to find sleep and peace for a few hours.

Just have to keep telling ourselves this hell on earth will get better.

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It’s not just you, that is unrecognisable, I think that is a normal part of the grieving process (well I hope it’s normal)

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Paula, you say it exactly as it is. I feel the same.

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How weird?
I woke early hours and thought,this isn’t me living this life.
Somehow I don’t feel I’m the same person,I just feel numb.
I wonder if this is how I will always feel?
Who knows the answers?

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Tomtom, every word you have written tells my story, my John leaving in the ambulance why didn’t I give him a hug and kiss… like you I struggle with the if’s and why’s. When I read your words it’s as though you have read my mind. It brings me a little comfort that we all on these pages understand we are not alone. Love and hugs to you all. x

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Until I found this group I thought no one else could have gone through the same as me.

What an eye opener! I knew others had lost their loved ones ,obviously , but didn’t think anyone would be carrying the guilt I am.

How we get past this I don’t know. Everyone tells me how much he loved me and he knew how much I loved him. They tell me to be kind to myself. But how do we do that?

I just wish I could have hugged and kissed him and told him myself , before they put him into a coma.
Sadly we can’t ,but we can talk to them everyday and repeat over and over again, I Love you and I miss you. In between sobs!

I am sorry for your loss and hope with all my heart we can both heal in time. Xxx



I’m with you every step of the way, it’s one year this Friday that I called the ambulance and I still feel I sent him away on his own. He spent 17days in ICU sedated, on a ventilator and numerous other things going wrong, I just wanted to tell him I was sorry for leaving him so alone when I know he needed me.

I spent 17 days feeling so helpless and being told every day how poorly he was, and then that call that says now is the time to come and say goodbye. I’ll never know if he could even hear me or feel me kissing and holding his hand. I watched his heart stop and from that moment I have been tormented by the thought that he may have been thinking that I had left him to die on his own.

It’s something I have to live with because I will never know. We loved each other for 28 years why did it have to end like this.

You’re in my thoughts Tomtom I know what you’re going through.

Keep in touch, Jenny


I am crying for you Jenny, and for myself. Was my Vince scared, did he call for me? Why didn’t I tell him how much I loved him, why didn’t I knock the door of that ambulance & say just hold on one goddammit minute we need to speak to each other. I will never know his last thoughts, I held his hand but did he hear me telling him how much I loved him. I should have called for medical help sooner, I should have looked after him better, I probably gave him covid. I lived but just don’t want to be here now, give my place to someone else.


Lets be here for each other, we share the same feelings and the same questions we constantly try and find the answers to. Just to know that you and Tomtom understand is such a comfort. I’ve felt so lonely over the last 12 months, now I can talk to friends who are going through exactly the same feelings as me.

Big hugs, thinking of you. xxx Jenny



It wasn’t your fault ,just like it wasn’t mine ,that we never realised they wouldn’t be coming back.

If we had realised , we both know we would have reacted differently.

I do believe in my heart that they knew we were with them at the end. Hearing is the last sense to go , even in a coma and although I’m not a God botherer, I do believe in God.
He would let us give comfort at the end. The doctor even told me before they took me in to ICU that they didn’t want to talk about dying in front of the patient. That tells me they also believe they can hear.

We have to hang on to that belief JennyB. and find some morsel of comfort in that.
I’m sure you ,as I did ,told him how much you loved him.

I know we would feel better if they had been conscious but they would have been suffering and we wouldn’t have wanted that.

My heart aches for your loss and what we both have to endure in the future. We are together in grief to support each other ,as no one who hasn’t been through this, could possibly understand.


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My heart goes out to you. I lost my husband in November last year. He passed away suddenly at work from a blood clot in his heart. We had only been married for a year and a half. I feel like my life and my future has ended. We were so in love and spent every minute we could together. I can see from reading other’s stories that all the pain I am feeling is normal in this situation. I am so glad I have found this forum.


I lost my soul mate my once in a lifetime 8 months ago, all our plans hope and dreams gone, I try to believe he sends me little signs a rainbow a butterfly but i think today in particular like so many others i feel extremely lost and alone. I found this forum 2 months ago and truly don’t know what i would have done without it. I have surprised myself when i have read back some posts I have written but i think thats the strength in realising that there is at least other people who empathise with our thoughts and feeling especially when they can be so hard to express.
Sending you all a hug and strength


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Believe me, you have just discovered the best friends you could ever have, we are all here to talk and listen. On a day to day basis everyone tells you that things will get better with time, Time just gives you more time to reflect, more time to question yourself. I truly believe we all tried our best to be there for the ones we loved so much. Lets be there for each other.

Jenny, xx

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I have just replied to JennyB and I say the same to you but didn’t know how to share it!!

You cannot think that you gave your partner Covid.
Both Tom and I tested positive at the same time. Did I give it to him or he give it to me? We will never know.

I tell myself better he went first, as I know he would not have coped ,as I am having to. I would not want him to experience my pain.

It works sometimes to make me feel a little stronger but not when I’m in a full blown meltdown!!

Oh Maigret if only our questions could be answered , but would it make us feel any better?
They still aren’t with us !!

Just keep venting our thoughts and feelings on here and if it doesn’t help us it might help someone else.


Such comforting kind words.
We’ve all experienced the same loss and nothing will bring them back.
But knowing someone else knows and understands all that you are going through, really helps x

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You are so right. Friends and family have been amazing and I don’t know how I would have got through the last few months without their support. I joined here and immediately felt an affinity and realised am not alone in how I am feeling right now. It’s so reassuring. I think you are all so brave talking about your loss x

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