Meltdowns are my new normal. I honestly think I’m going batshit crazy. Laughing one minute then sobbing in a heap. Starting to ignore calls too, it can just be to overwhelming & I hate trying to pretend all is fine. It is far from fine.
I took a travel mug from the kitchen cupboard a few days ago to fill with coffee & I found 2 custard creams (loved them) which I hid from my husband, he would eat every single biscuit in the house. I remember thinking he’ll not find them in there. So 11 weeks later I find them, laughing at my madness, T hen cry so hard as I crumble them & feed them to the birds. There’s a half bar of choc in the freezer, was his. Can’t eat it, can’t throw it out.
So meltdowns will keep coming for me, I don’t care who sees them, its like a sneeze, its gotta come out.
Am so sorry. My husband died on March 1st from Covid and I am so lonely. I actually feel ill now and have no desire to live without him. Each day is torture and not worth living. I love him so much and I am desperate.
I feel lonely when I am with anyone really. I have been staying at my daughters and when I go to my house I feel even worse. I can’t believe he is not there
How can anyone survive this ?
Lynn
Dear Lynn
I am so sorry for your loss. It is very early days and emotions are very raw at this time. I wish there was something that I could say but I am 7 months down the line and know how devastating it is to loose a husband. Please just take one day at a time and do things at your own pace. You will find support on this site from others in a similar position.
Take care and will be thinking of you.
Sheila
Dear 1954
I know exactly how you are feeling the love of my life caught Covid at Xmas and after 4 weeks in a coma ,on a ventilator ,died on 27th January. We were together for 30 years through thick and thin!
I wish I could tell you it gets better but we all deal with it differently and for me 10 weeks down the line , it’s just as heart breaking and the loneliness overwhelming!
The coming home to an empty house and bed are the worst.
I have strong days and severe meltdown days. I talk to him all the time and sometimes am thankful he went first ,as I know with certainty ,he would not have coped ,as I am having to.
Believe that your grief is testament to your profound love for him and he can hear and see you and knows that.
I don’t know if you believe in signs from him ,but the last 2 days I have had unexplained electricity cuts and a white feather on the floor. I like to believe it’s a sign he’s with me and it brings me some comfort after a severe meltdown.
I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain.
There are no answers on here but we discover that all of our emotions are very similar to others ,experiencing the same grief.
We can vent our feelings and emotions and nobody judges us ,as we are all in the same boat.
No one can help us with a quick fix. It just helps a little to know that we are not odd!
Just keep posting when you need to and we are here with a shoulder to cry on.
Xxx
TomTom, I have said the same thing. If one of us had to go through this pain then rather me than him. I just wish that I’d had more time as he was only 50 but then, we all want more time don’t we?
how I hope and wish for a sign, I beg every night for a sign
Maigret they say the signs come when you don’t ask for them.
In my case I had had a seriously bad meltdown the day before and was feeling totally drained ,lonely
and wanted to give up on life.
I wasn’t asking for a sign, I was too low , but 2 white feathers and an electricity blip on the same day I’m sure was my Tom telling me he was here with me.
So perhaps if you don’t look for a sign it will come unexpectedly. I really hope it does for you and brings you some comfort.
We have to believe they are with us in spirit to survive this loneliness and I truly believe they will always be beside us.
It won’t mend a broken heart, nothing can ,but it can help to know they are waiting for us when our time comes.
Xxx
Jules4 I am so sorry for your suffering.
It doesn’t matter to us ,does it ,how long we had together it would never be long enough.
I know we all have to go sometime but , naively ,you just don’t think it’s going to happen to you.
We never discussed death and what we would do , it wasn’t supposed to happen anytime soon. It was put on the back burner to be talked about when we were really old!!
Covid put paid to that!
I feel your pain and send you virtual hugs.xx
Virtual hugs to you too
People who can’t give you the time you need and the compassion that you need are no help at all. No one wanted to be in this position and we can only support each other through it. Those who don’t offer genuine support and give people time are not the people to be around at times like this.
Hi all
I have had a strange day. Two of our good friends invited me to their house for dinner and I have spent the whole afternoon with them crying and sharing memories but I do now feel exhausted from just wishi g he was here and grieving the times he will miss. Even a sunny day make me sad for him that he misses out on it.
They have a lovely house and we were looking at moving before this tragedy happened and I know now even if I move he won’t be there and so it’s pointless and I also know I would have been happy living in a tent with him as it is who you live with that makes you happy not the house. I feel he is with me and he has told me off saying that I have to look after our daughters and stop all the pain but that is so hard as my stomach is churning all the time.
I have never known anything like this sadness. It is overwhelming and it engulfs me.
Lynn x
Lynn, I can relate to everything that you have said. Every day is a struggle. A sunny day like today we would have been in the garden or going for a walk but I have no motivation to do it by myself. I have adult children who are devastated as well and I want to be strong for them but this is too much grief to hide from them.
I’m finding the lighter evenings are harder to cope with as the days of feeling sad are now longer.
It’s 10 weeks and I’m trying to accept life on my own and it feels so daunting x
Hello jules4
So sorry for your loss
People don’t understand at all
The pain we are feeling is unbearable
Please take care xx
Dear TomTom
we did discuss ‘what if’ just as recently as December and we both agreed that we would not want to go on without each other. We were so wrapped up in each other, the thought of not being together just wasn’t an option. How right we were. The world is just so very dark, quiet and sad without this big, funny, loving, loud guy.
My stomach continues to churn like a washing machine reminding me constantly that I am alone that he has gone.
I also know Tim would say look after our children and let them look after me, but it’s so hard I’m frightened of the future without him but I am doing what you all say one day at a time I can’t think much pass that it hurts to much.
I hope you all have some peace today,
Julie 
It’s so hard dealing with these awful feelings on a daily basis.
My family were here at the weekend and I feel he’s missing out on so much.
X
Quarterman, Maigret and Paula 71
Everything you’ve posted I’m feeling!
There’s no peace from this overwhelming grief.
I keep telling myself come on Sue make an effort, do the housework, get the shopping in and try to think of the good times. None of it works!
I just want to sleep, wake up and find him beside me. When I accept that’s not going to happen I have a meltdown.
Friends invited me for Easter lunch and I just couldn’t face it. I spent the day feeling alone and crying for the love of my life wondering how I’m ever going to get through this loneliness.
Today I’m a little stronger. Tomorrow who knows.
They tell you to take one day at a time but no one can tell you when it gets easier.
Tried counselling and tablets for all of one day and for me it’s a waste of time!
Just got to get through this on my own and with that comes the realisation ,that’s how it’s going to be for the rest of my life!
I guess when you finally accept that, you start to heal and learn to live with it. I don’t know the answer!
Sorry I hope my post doesn’t make anyone feel worse.
Virtual hugs everyone.xx
- List item
Hi,
This is what this site is for us to vent how we really feel.
After 6 weeks I started to suffer from anxiety attacks, something I’ve never had, ever.
Reluctantly, I phoned the doctor who prescribed me tablets, something I was hoping to avoid.
However, a month on and they’ve helped calm me down, It doesn’t take away the grim reality of feeling lonely but I hope a little better at night.
It’s a prop at the moment.
I think of you all when I’m having a bad day and take comfort others understand what I’m going through.
X
Hi, to everyone reading these heart breaking words. If I tried to tell you how I feel I would just be repeating everything you have told us.
John the love of my life passed away from Covid one year ago this coming Sunday. I still cannot cope with the fact I will never see him again, he’s in my thoughts every minute of every day and as much as it hurts I know he will always be with me.
I recently had all our holiday video cassettes transferred to DVD’s. I thought I would never cope with watching them again, but they remind me of all the happy times we had. the comforting thing was to see his laughing happy smiley face and to hear his voice for the first time in 12 months, the best of which was John doing the recording of me stating “and this is THE WIFE, she’s gorgeous”
More tears but for the first time happy ones.
xxx to you all.